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Subject: AN OPPORTUNITY IN MY OFFICE Sounds like I am being invited into a pornographic movie. Wish me luck! Dear Friend, I am Mr. KOH BOON HWEE, Managing Director DBS Bank Ltd, Hong Kong. Your name is the most absurd ALL CAPS racial stereotype I have read. Were you not managing director of a prestigious bank, I'd be suspicious. I am contacting you with respect to a portfolio amounting to $30,520,000 USD (Thirty Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollar) deposited by a German Merchant named Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann. Obvs. Bank managers the world over know: when you have questions about a German merchant's financial portfolio, contact Mike. What can I say? It's what I do. (It is not.) On the 15th of May 2002 Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann deposited $12,000,000 USD (Twelve Million United States Dollars) under our portfolio management department for four years and the deposit matured on the 18th of October 2006 with over 196% growth which amounted to a tot...

I currently have something I never thought I’d have: a toolbox. For tools . Because I already had a toolbox, only it was filled with medicine, almost all of which expired in 2007. When we became foster parents, it was required that we have all our medication locked up and secured. Looking for something to do just that, my wife and I stumbled on a traditional ol’ toolbox. I said, “This will work! Plus one day maybe I can actually use it for tools HA HA HA this will be for medication.” But the joke is on me because now I have a tool -toolbox. We were in the process of going through some house junk, and I thought it would be a good idea to go through the medicine toolbox and throw out the ear drop medication my wife brought to Arizona from New Jersey seven years ago and a huge box of DayQuil that only had one DayQuil in it that was four years expired and also everything in the box. Staring at the empty toolbox, I took a deep breath and with a lump in my throat said to myself, “Now is ...

Subject: Dokumenty HA HA spell much? Fahrenheit 9/11 outtakes "My name is Michael Moore, and I'm making a dokumenty about ... pfffffffffff HA HA! Did I just say 'dokumenty?' Cut, cut! I'm not awake yet, guys. Someone get me my coffee! Oh man ... that was hilarious." Witam, OR: "Mike." Almost though! Zwracam się z zapytaniem w imieniu internetowego serwisu tłumaczeniowego. So far this dokumenty is confusing. Polscy przedsiębiorcy szukają dobrych jakościowo tłumaczeń w związku z rosnącym eksportem i chęcią nawiązywania międzynarodowej współpracy. What? Are you serious? I am never eating at McDonald's again, for real. Chciałem się zapytać czy mogę przedstawić ofertę na usługi tłumaczeń pisemnych? Is that a rhetorical question or do you want an answer? Yes? No wait. No. No? Pozdrawiam, Bartosz Mazur I feel like maybe I don't know what this email is trying to convey or who you are or what this dokumenty is about. What is your deal, anyway, Bartos...

Feeling lonely. Wishing someone could introduce me to some products. (logs on to email) Subject: Introduction of products (pumps fist) Dear Sir/Madam, Dear [GENDER UNKNOWN], I am a dude, btw, fwiw. We are Box Marsh located In Pakistan  City, Sialkot, specialize in exporting various type of garment. Nice to meet you, Box Marsh! May I also add that you specialize in grabbing my attention :0 :) ;) Our main products are Martial Arts Uniforms,Boxing Gloves, Mixed Martial Arts Equipments, Protectors Wooden Weapon and relative products. Here's the thing about email that makes it so great. Let's say I'm a [GENDER UNKNOWN], just sitting here wanting to do martial arts but I don't have a uniform. Also, what about equipments? You can't just do martial arts without equipments. And it's like, all of my martial arts friends ALREADY have protectors wooden weapon, so all of my martial arts moves - performed naked and without equipments because, again, I have n...

I went out to run errands during my lunch hour at work. Those errands were: •    Get an iced coffee (not really an errand; bear with me) •    Drop off donations at St. Vincent de Paul •    Get money out of ATM for babysitter I arrived at the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru speaker. Here was that conversation: Speaker : Welcome to Dunkin’ Donuts … (shuffling noises) Me : (waiting for them to follow up with “Can I help you?” so I know it’s OK to speak) Speaker : … Me : … Speaker : … Me : Uhhh, can I get a- Speaker : How can I help you? Me : Yes, can I get a medium iced coffee, easy cream, NO sugar. Speaker : You uh … want cream? Me : Yes, but not a lot. ‘Easy cream’ is what I’ve been instructed to say by other locations, ha. Speaker : $1.08. I pull through. The worker puts my coffee near the window while he goes to the register and I take a look at the coffee and it looks good. They nailed the cream-to-coffee ratio. I lo...

Subject: DRIVE YOUR CAR AND GET PAID ADVERTISING FOR JetBlue Airlines. ($400 Weekly) The way I know this is not spam is because: From: ©JetBlue Airlines Advertisment™   [ulyssesrhg@gmail.com] Totes legit to quit. What's up, Ulysses? We got your email address through a local Business directory on the web. We must apologise for taking some of your valuable time to explain a proposal that will imagine will be of utmost benefit. Please, Ulysses - any email that invites me to get paid for driving an advertising car is never a waste of time. You write well. We are currently seeking individuals Strictly in the United State who would like to make money by simply driving their vehicle advertising for JetBlue Airlines. This is in our view to create more awairness and attract more customers to be willing to patronise us for local and international flights. You have explained well the general purpose of advertising. Also, I must now add to my list of "Benefits of being born ...

Subject: Catalogues of Stone and Concrete Diamond grinding polishing tools, Diamond polishing pads, Backer pads and Accessories, Polishing machines, Stone installation tools, Stone carry tools I wonder what this is about. The subject is vague. Hi, Dear Manager Hi, dear robot. How are you? I am ... okay . A little on the groggy side, but ... okay. Glad to introduce to you our High quality Stone and Concrete Diamond grinding polishing tools, Backer pads and Accessories, Polishing machines, Stone installation tools, Stone carry tools. If you were to ask me how I am doing now I would say a-MA-zing because I have been looking to acquire a high quality concrete diamond grinding polishing tool for a hot minute, but nobody was emailing me and I didn't know where to turn. Enclosed are the catalogues for various of the grinding and polishing tools. First, great sentence. A-plus sentence. Also, I just want to mention that robot dude here is NOT kidding - there are approximat...

It’s been established that I don’t know how to do anything handy. We know this. That doesn’t mean, however, that I can’t do anything that falls under the umbrella of “things men are supposed to do.” For example, I can move things. Like, from here to there. I can pick it up and move it. It should probably be mentioned that even in this endeavor, I fail at the nuances of doing it well. Once while moving a desk I accidentally ripped the top off because I was holding it by the lip, an act that couldn’t support the weight of the base underneath. (As embarrassing as that is to admit, I’m quite proud of myself for even identifying that part of the desk as the lip without having to Google “what’s that part of the edge of a desk that just begs you to lift from there?” It is called the lip, right? Forget it.) I distinctly remember, years ago, helping my dad and his friends put together a shed in my parents’ backyard. Everyone’s confidence in my and my cousin John’s ability to do the techn...

Subject: New TV Casting: Cash In Your Life $$$ "Cash In Your Life (dollar signs)" is a show I will sacrifice everything to be on. New Television Casting for: Ca$h In Your Life Got it. NEW TV #CASTING: Cash In Your Life OK. A new television series Family Ties? J/k it's: Cash In Your Life is seeking out couples and families for a chance to cash in their lives for a fresh start! So let me get this straight. I cash in my life - like you take my life and give me money for it, and then I am dead (bad) but have money (good) - and then I get a fresh start? As a rich dead person? Is this "Weekend at Bernie's III: The Musical?" Have you always wondered, what if? What if you had followed your dreams? What if you no longer had the job you don't love? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdD6RMICpfg&feature=kp What if you had followed your dreams What if you no longer had the job you didn't love What if you should decide That you want...

Subject: Global Foods USA I like my coffee black, my women feisty, and my food global but also from the motha truckin' U S of A. Dear Sirs, My name is Mike. (looks around) No one else is h- Hope you doing well. Me is. Thank you. Please kindly find our Special offer for  Rice as follows i.e : Am I being kindly offered a special deal on rice right now? If you have Basmati rice I am going to crap my pants. With excitement. But also for real. Basmati Rice : Pure Basmati Rice from the foothills of Himalaya My friend and I frequently joke that you can't call it Basmati rice if it ain't from the Himalayas. My friend is imaginary. How much for the pure sh*t? Product Code : GBR 30 Packing 30lb Price : US$ 52.82/ BAG That is a good deal. Is 30 pounds of rice enough though? I live alone. 1121 Basmati  Parboiled Rice I was actually thinking that I might be better off with Basmati parboiled rice. Pure Basmati Rice from  Indian Sub Continent, Longest Grain ...

My wife and I have been trying to get our girls into the habit of praying before bed. The results have mostly been … disappointing. And strange. Granted, prayer isn’t an easy thing for even a mature adult to grasp, and we certainly don’t expect a 4- and almost 5-year-old to fully understand what they’re doing. But we thought it’d better than this : Me : OK, girls, time to pray. Kneel by your beds. Girl 1 : Mommy lets us lay down. Me : (looks at wife) Wife : ONE time I let you do that. Just do what Dad tells you to do, OK? Girl 2 : Daddy, look at my boo-boo. It looks like a castle-farm. Me : A what ? Just—girls, focus. And kneel, please. Now who wants to go first? Girls : (in unison) Me me me me me me me! Me : (to girl 2) Why don’t you go first tonight, OK? Girl 1 : (panicked) I never go first and she went first the other time and you promised me I could go first and you guys are so rude! Wife : (to girl 1) PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER AND KNEEL DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION....

Subject: VL:  shortest delivery time I don't care how you get here (or what you are) Just get here if you can (shortest delivery time) Nice day to you friend,o(≧v≦)o~~ I don't know what emotion that is trying to conv- Here below are our latest information for Wuhan New G603, welcome to check as quality reference. OK. Our advantage of G603: ●Good news!!!  To celebrate our start for new factory and quarry of G603, now we have stock for G603 slabs size in 240upx70upx2cm and 240upx70upx3cm are under selling, quality is as good as before and price will be also attractive.. Good news? More like GREAT news! About to get my G603 slab on. But wait, hold up - didn't Wuhan New G603 experience some problems in the past? I remember at the time feeling very o(≧v≦)o~~ about that. ● No delivery time problems any more: apart from our own quarry in Wuhan, we have our own factories and several cooperated factories help us manufacturing. Delivery time should be put off a lot i...

Subject: Star-Times,Quartz Countertops and Slabs Bout to get my slab on. Hello Star-Times, My name is Mike. This is Rachel from Luda Quartz Stone, who manufacturing & exporting quartz stone tiles, countertop and slabs Come again? This is Rachel from Luda Quartz Stone, who manufacturing & exporting quartz stone tiles, countertop and slabs Can I just ... This is Rachel from Luda Quartz Stone, who [sic] manufacturing [sic] &[sic] exporting [sic] quartz stone tiles, countertop [sic] and slabs [sic] OK that's better. You were saying? LUDA’s quartz stone consists of 93%  natural quartz,resistant to cracks, scratches and stains and Non-Toxic, Non-Radiation, I have been searching far and wide for a kitchen countertop that doesn't exude cancerous radiation. Today is a good day. (-Ice Cube) You will    know the quality after checking the sampl.e This is how this sentence looks in real life: Person : But how will I know the quality? Rachel : You will Person : ... .....

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to fret, more and more, the exercise of going to the dentist. Not that going to the dentist has ever, for one second, been not terrible. But, I think, as you mature and adapt to brushing regularly (as opposed to brushing never as a child and using more effort to pretend that you had brushed your teeth than if you had just brushed your teeth … or was that just me?), there should be fewer reasons for dread. The opposite has been true for me. For one thing, my wife convinced me some years ago to shirk, if not every time, almost every time, the x-rays. Not exposing ourselves to unnecessary radiation has been a modest life goal, call us crazy. And that is exactly what the people at the dentist's office call us. Because let me tell me you something—the dentist's office does NOT like when you refuse the x-rays. They will say things like, “You know, the amount of radiation is less than two minutes in the sun” or some crap like that, like they’re re...

HUSBAND DONE GOT LOST ON THAT THERE DESERT ISLAND LIKE THREE YEARS AGO BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO HOLLA BACK EVER SINCE NONE OF THESE BOTTLES BE HIS, THOUGH "DEAR BARBARA, MY LOVE FOR YOU IS UNDYING, UNLIKE MY PHYSICAL BODY, WHICH IS BEING RAVAGED BY UNKNOWN ISLAND SPECIES. TELL THE WORLD MY STORY." PFFT B*TCH PLEASE I AIN'T BARBARA NOT SURE HOW MANY HUSBANDS WERE ON THAT SHIP OR WHERE THEY BE GETTIN' THEIR BOTTLES FROM THIS ONE JUST SAYS "WE DEAD LOL" IF ONLY MATT COULD DOGGIE PADDLE BUT IMMA BE PATIENT IMMA JUST STAND HERE IN A POWER SUIT WAIST DEEP IN THE SEA WHILE HOLDING AN UMBRELLA ELLA ELLA ELLA CAN'T GET THE DOME WET JUST GOT THE HERRRR DID GOTTA LOOK GOOD FOR THE DUDES YA KNOW? CAN'T WAIT AROUND FOREVER BUT IMMA BE PATIENT

Subject: Re:Best Selling High Quality eGo-C Twist CE4 from Kapopo , ego c twis t 900ma h,ego c twist 6 50best pl ace to buy ego t wist This is a good subject. It is nice. Dear Friend, I have no friends . Good day Is it, friend? Is it? With so much strife in the worl- I am very glad to know you from your professional website, You must be talking about glendalestar.com, the very professional website I manage but also a place to learn a lot about me, personally, like that time I Council hears updates on Loop 303 improvements or how I always Property taxes go up 2 percent . I put myself out there, I guess. you are the leading company of e cigarette products. We are? Just kidding. We are. Our motto is: The Glendale Star: Glendale's community weekly since 1978 - news best enjoyed while inhaling an e cigarette (which we also manufacture) I also notice that you pay much attention to lower your cost for quality e cig. Weekly editorial meeting Editor : And Mike, ple...

I’ve mentioned before our family’s distaste for Disney , but allow me to briefly elaborate. Specific to the realm of raising two impressionable young girls, we—when I say “we” in this regard, people may assume that I mean “my wife,” and while she does spearhead this line of thinking, I honestly couldn’t agree more—feel that Disney, generally, too heavily markets the princess aesthetic to girls. Realizing the fantasy life is omnipresent during childhood, we’d prefer our girls be less influenced by a non-working, male-reliant position within a fundamentally un-American monarchy whose “job” is to, essentially, look pretty, than, say, virtually anyone or anything else (sans Katy Perry , of course). I mean, even Dora explores and is bilingual. However, over the course of the past year or so, our stance on Disney has ever so slightly—gasp—softened. This is a result of equal parts our sheer inability to escape its wide-reaching entertainment net and, more specifically, Frozen ...

Subject: Wine Order Needed OK, that is nice. This is a newspaper. My name is James Adam i WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE THESE Products IN STOCK OR YOU CAN ORDER THEM FOR ME. Hello James. My name is Mike Kenny and WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME only I can use ALL CAPS SO EASE UP, SON. Also, I am hoping the products you are looking for are newspapers because this is a newspaper. 1. Louis Roederer Cristal 2005/06, 12  bottles 2. Dom Perignon Vintage 2004, 12  bottles Unfortunately, because this is a newspaper, we don't carry expensive champagne. We produce newspapers because we are, again, a newspaper. However, I guess I could order these for you? I mean, I have no problem ordering champagne for you, but I feel like I should mention - and I'm not saying this to be a dick; I just want to make sure you're aware of this fact - that another person who could order this champagne for you is: you. Again, not trying to be a dick. I just feel like all the effort you've put into...

Subject: Glendale Glitter and Glow block party rocks downtown Glendale ... 2014-06-13 3:29:35 So this initially didn't strike me as SO odd because the Glendale Glitter and Glow block party is an actual thing, something we cover and an event posted in print and online . But it was still kind of odd because the Glendale Glitter and Glow block party happens just after Christmas, and also: From: ALan Listen, I know to a lot of you something seemingly subtle like the first two letters of a name being capitalized can be perceived as an honest mistake, but let me tell you - as someone who's been in the spam game for a hot minute, that kind of stuff is crazeballs. Not to mention: [alan@alan888.9299.org] This is the most terrible email address. I hate this email address. It is offensive. I am offended. Dear sir or madam, Here we go. How are you? Ugh. Fine. I am fine, ALan. What do you want? This is Alan from Ningbo Prolin, China. ALan from China is emailing me abou...

Growing up, our neighbors across the street had a pool. More important than this, they had a sign on the deck of the pool that read “Please don’t pee in our pool; we don’t swim in your toilet.” At the time, this was the absolute zenith of comedic commentary for me. A party at our neighbors’ house meant not only that we could swim, but also that I could stare at that sign and, in my head, break it down to bits until all the humor was lost, which was, of course, impossible. Swim in the toilet! Can you even imagine? I still think about that sign* today, for several reasons. For one, the first time I laid eyes on it, my dream in life instantly became to grow into an adult, get married, have a family, and buy a house with a pool, all as mere means to my true end of posting that sign, claiming it as my own, and basking in its comedic glory. Where did you get that sign? Is there no end to your brash hilariousness? A toast to Mike! Also, since I haven’t yet realized my ultimate dream, and ...