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You cannot count on me but ONLY because I do not live in Colorado and also I am not Carol. This mistake is very understandable however because I used to live in Colorado Arizona and my middle name is Carol Timothy. This is indeed very exciting news, Bridget, and you KNOW how much ya' boy (me) loves attending statewide political bus tours but unfortunately the state I live in is not Colorado. Also I am not Carol. Hello Branden. My thirst to spend my Friday night going door-to-door to talk politics with strangers in this current political climate is UNQUENCHABLE but unfortunately I live literally thousands of miles away from the doors on which you're asking me to knock. Also, the neighbors expecting Carol would be quite taken aback when they answer the door and--surprise!--it's me, not Carol. Because I am not Carol. (And not for nothing, Branden, but a smiley/blush face and American flag emoji would have gone a long way toward convincing me to reconsider...

Subject: QUAYLE - 2016 BUMPER STICKERS NOW AVAILABLE Cool! What ? Dear Mr. FVP Quayle,  Please run for President in 2016. I uh … I’m not sure I’m supposed to have recei- I can sense the media people now realize the days of cracking ignorant jokes at your and quite frankly everyone's expense are long gone. Pretty sure those jokes were only at Dan Quayle’s expense. Also they are long gone because they happened 22 years ago. The days of taking pot shots at Caligula’s barbarism are long gone. Okay, it’s safe to come out now, Caligula! Two days ago I sent these proposed bumper stickers by email to about 300 newspaper publishers, editors and reporters in Indiana just to see what the response would be. I only received one negative reply from someone who was an obvious Obama supporter. I’m not sure ignoring ridonk bumper sticker-related emails counts as an endorsement. Nevertheless, it’s official – Dan Quayle h...

TAKE THAT POLITICIANS DUMB POLITICIANS BE LIKE, "DERP DERP I'M SO STUPID AND DUMB WHERE DA PROSTITUTES AT" ALIENS BE LIKE, "YOUR BUDGET IS FIXED, WE HAVE ANALLY PROBED NORTH KOREA AND DISCOVERED THEIR AGGRESSION IS BORN OF INSECURITY, WORLD PEACE HAS BEEN RESTORED" MEANWHILE POLITICIANS BE LIKE, "JUST SENT THAT HOT-LOOKING ALIEN A PICTURE OF MY SCHLONGER" THESE JOKES ARE TOPICAL VOTE OR DIE ... FOR THE ALIENS - P DIDDY, 2016 HOLD UP I'M NOT FINISHED BLASTING POLITICIANS YET WITH BITING COMMENTARY BOOM, ROASTED NOT HAVING A GOOD YEAR SO FAR, POLITICIANS, WITH ALL THESE HILARIOUS MEMES AT YOUR EXPENSE WHICH WIZARD OF OZ DUDE HAD NO TESTICLES THINK IT WAS TOTO THE WIZARD OF OZ MOVIE IS 75 YEARS OLD AND THE BOOK IS 114 YEARS OLD THE SONG "IF I ONLY HAD SOME TESTICLES" IS ZERO YEARS OLD CAUSE IT DON'T EXIST OTHER THAN THAT YO THIS IS MEME IS ON POINT HOLD UP I AIN'T FINISHED KNOCK KNOCK YOU SAI...

Subject: spiritual help Some people visit their pastor. Some people sit in quiet reflection. Some people escape to their personal oasis of solitude. For my spiritual help, I just LOG ON Y'ALL. GMAIL.COM FOR ALL YOUR SPIRITUAL NEEDS IT'S FREE TELL A FRIEND. Are you finding it difficult finding the right solutions to all your problems? Oh my gosh YES! It's like you are reading my mind and there's no way you could have known that. Yesterday, for example, I had two problems: 1) an inescapable, deep-seeded, fearful and sudden realization of my own mortality and 2) Twitter wasn't working. I tried to solve both of these problems by drinking a 12-pack of Schlitz at my desk at work but it only solved the Twitter problem. But then I posted drunk tweets and now I have more problems and also I got fired. you don't need to hide your problem because if you do, you will never find the solution to it. That is literally the most profound thing I have ever read in my en...

Note: This column appears in the 6/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/1 issue of the Peoria Times My wife and I moved here to Arizona four years ago this very week. Since then, the following things have happened: We were forced to refinance . We purchased our home, unbeknownst to us at the time, at the height of the real estate market. It is not classy, apparently, to talk about how much one spent on his home, so let’s just say we paid enough, at like a 26.3 percent interest rate. When the bottom fell out of the national real estate market and Arizona fell further down than most, our payments remained the same but our home dropped in value exponentially and suddenly we had no neighbors, construction halted, and we were surrounded by empty homes and vacant lots until renters began to move in and their dogs would relieve themselves on our property, which continues to this day. Many things we liked, including people, are gone . Four years ago, a great part of our excitement in moving...

Note: This column appears in the 9/17 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/18 issue of the Peoria Times Last Tuesday, Barack Obama, the President of the United States of America, spoke openly and publicly to the nation’s schoolchildren. The Deer Valley and Peoria Unified school districts, in a wonderful display of caving to the illogical paranoia of a select few, ensured that not every child would see it. It was national news heading up to the speech that parents were concerned that Obama would use this as an opportunity to push his political agenda. Ya’ know, to clamor for that elusive 13-year old vote in the 2012 election, and to impose socialist values upon children who may not otherwise be able to define socialism. Much of the fear stemmed from the phrase “help the president,” which some people believed continued: “…convince everyone of this healthcare plan, and that abortion isn't so bad.” I had hoped this particular area of the country would see through the paranoia, and be ...