Showing posts from June, 2004

Elvis is in the building

As is quite comon in the professional workplace, an Elvis impersonator visited our office the other day. Why? I'm not exactly sure.

What I did learn however, is that Elvis impersonators make no apologies. This particluar Elvis, who was decked out in full Elvis garb — a white jumpsuit, collar up, sunglasses, and white boots — walked in like he was wearing a suit and tie. There was no, "Hi, I'm Bob. You're probably wondering why the hell I'm in the middle of New Jersey dressed like Elvis Presley. It's because I am an Elvis impersonator, and I believe strongly in what I do, which is why I wear this outfit everywhere. I sleep with this on, in case you were wondering."

No, there was none of that.

I would assume that our noteworthy publication was doing a story on this Elvis. After all, in the last three weeks, we have done features on the Catwoman — a local lady who housed 35 cats and kittens in conditions deemed abusive, and who was forced to turn herse…

A little story

I am the circualtion manager at a newspaper in New Jersey. This means that I have to deal with drivers, those people directly responsible for getting our newspapers to the stores, homes, sewers, etc. This may sound crazy, but older people who deliver newspapers for a living aren't always the most stable of folk. Luckily for me, most of my drivers are very good workers, and good people at that. But I ran into a little problem a few weeks ago that brought me to the conversation I became involved in today.

One of my drivers, let's call him Mr. Alcoholic, went on a drinking binge three weeks ago, never picked up his papers, and stole the money that he had already collected from the stores that was supposed to go directly to me. This is status quo in the field of newspaper drivers, so after I threatened to press charges, I finally got the money back, all in singles. I wore gloves as I counted it. But alas, our newspaper has a policy against going on drinking binges and stealing com…

Liquid Fantast Part II

This was written a couple of weeks after it's predecessor...

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about a great idea that I had. Well, now I have a new idea, and it’s to forget about the old one.

As many of you may remember, I thought up a wonderful invention: an additional shower faucet that releases liquid soap into the water stream, thus making the act of taking a shower more efficient. I was a bit apprehensive about releasing my idea to the general public, or that is, all of you, because I thought many of you jerks would think the idea was stupid. Then I realized that most of you don’t take showers anyway, so why would I care what you think?

Actually, the responses were very positive, and a lot of you actually liked the idea. And as you all know, I had already submitted my name and contact information to the ISC (Inventor’s Submission Corporation). Well, their “patent specialistâ€� called me back last week, and if Mel is in charge of getting things invented, then it’s a w…

Liquid Fantasy

This was written in June 2003, while I was hard at work at my previous job...

About two weeks ago, during the half an hour of May that it wasn't raining, I went outside and managed to get poison ivy. Unbeknownst to me, the worst thing you can do after contracting poison ivy is take a hot shower, which of course, is exactly what I did. Now I obviously didn't know I had poison ivy when I took the shower, so that advice is pretty much worthless. But whatever. I made it worse than it was and the ten days or so that I had it really, really sucked.

But all was not lost, because the poison ivy was a direct contributor to the greatest idea I've ever had, and ever will have.

One of the worst parts of having poison ivy, besides being repulsed by your very own self every second of the day and suffering insatiable itch attacks, is taking showers. It's difficult to wash yourself because you don't want to rub any part of your body with the disgusting yellow bubbles and spread th…

first title

this is my first post...bear with me