So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

I call three women Mom. The first is the one who gave birth to me. Makes sense. And although I call her Mom, she remains mysteriously under the impression that I prefer to call her Mommy, even though I haven’t called her that in approximately 30 years. I still receive voicemail messages like this: “Hi Mike, it’s Mommy. Sorry I missed you. Me and Daddy are on our way to The Grove for dinner … probably for pizza. But Daddy said he might get a hamburger. You know Daddy! Anyway, I’ll try and catch up with you later. Oh, before I forget – Susan McDougal died. I think you played baseball one year with her nephew, Billy. Sad. OK, love you!” I also call my mother-in-law Mom. It’s drastically underrated, the transition from referring to your in-laws as Mr./Mrs. [last name] to Mom and Dad. I distinctly recall as a child being perturbed by watching my own parents execute this societal norm. My dad would call my Mum “Mom” and I’d think “IF NANA WAS HERE SHE’D BE PIIIIISSE...

Note: This column appears in the 5/10 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/11 issue of the Peoria Times. Although she is the most strong-willed person I have ever met, there are a few things that scare my wife. Birds, for example. Also, scary movies. Alfred Hitchcock’s Birds —although it strangely played no role in developing her fear of either medium—is, for her, the world’s single worst manmade creation. Another thing that scared her for a while, and sort of still does: motherhood. One of the many things I’ve always admired about my wife is that she has high standards. (Here I could insert a self-deprecating joke about how she relented on those standards regarding her husband, but that would be boring and predictable. Besides, I think I’m a decent guy. There, I said it.) She expects the best from everyone, and I would venture to say that 99 percent of her disappointments occur when the thoughtfulness she has for others is not reciprocated. She holds herself to those same ...

VERSE 3 For VERSE 1 explained, see here . For VERSE 2 explained, see here . Take heed, cause I’m a lyrical poet Take heed, ye’ merry gentlemen. For I am a lyrical poet. I do not use other mediums for my poetry, such as paint, or steel, or birds, or whatever. I use words, or, in my case as it pertains to hip-hop specifically, lyrics. For example, earlier when I rhymed “bikinis” with “Lamborghinis,” that is what we in the literary field call: poetry. Miami’s on the scene just in case you didn’t know it Miami is on the hip-hop scene, thanks in large part to me, Vanilla Ice. I have made Miami proud. My town, that created all the bass sound As Wikipedia can attest: "Miami bass (also known as booty music or booty bass, a term that may also include other genres, such as dirty rap), is a type of hip hop music that became popular in the 1980s and 1990s." You can have your emotionally charged blues, Memphis -– I’ll take my booty bass and sexually perverse rap, thank you very much! Enou...