Showing posts from July, 2005

Why I’m not a teacher

There are a lot of weird kids out there, and I know this because we have a swimming pool in our development, and that is where all of the weird kids in the world go to hang out, and challenge each other in various Olympic aquatic events, like who can eat the most sour cream & onion potato chips in the pool.

A few weeks ago, I went to the pool after work to relax, and once I hit the lounge chair, I was out, which was amazing in itself since a) there were about 89 kids there that day, all screaming at the top of their lungs in unison, and b) I was in close proximity to the pool, and was constantly getting wet because kids have absolutely no regard for who is around them when they are jumping over the “no jumping” sign in an attempt to splash as much water out of the pool, and onto innocent bystanders, as possible.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was in a deep late-day slumber, until I was steadily awoken by a voice repeatedly saying, “Excuse me…excuse me…excuse me…EXCUSE ME!” When I opene…

Golden Bear takes a seat, attacks writer

With the 2005 British Open getting underway on Thursday, it's time to say goodbye to Jack Nicklaus, who, a couple of months ago, announced that this would be his last tournament, except for maybe some other tournaments that he will play in, whatever that means. Needless to say, Nicklaus has been in high demand these days, which is why I wasn't that surprised when he never answered my e-mail requesting an interview, especially considering that the subject title of my e-mail to him was "Yo, Jack — holla back." Bad choice on my part. Nevertheless, Jack's "people" have given me permission to print what I think he would say with regards to several important topics. And by "Jack's people" I mean no one in particular. No matter. Let's get started.

Me: Hey Jack! Good to see you. You look much slimmer in person.

Jack: What's that supposed to mean?

Me: Nothing. Anyway, according to my notes, you used to be pretty good at golf. Is that tru…

An ‘on-line’ chat with Ricky Williams

In an unprecedented move with regards to recent sports history, Ricky Williams retired, and is now coming back.

Okay, so maybe that HAS been done before. But the circumstances involving Williams’ sudden retirement in particular are truly original in nature. For example, everyone in the NFL soon discovered that the Miami Dolphins’ Plan B following Williams’ departure consisted of just punting on first down to get it over with. Following the 2004 disaster, then head coach Dave Wannstedt has since been replaced by Nick Saban (who doesn’t have a similar one-sided moustache, but may be a better coach), and Williams himself will apply for reinstatement into the league at the end of the month, on the same exact day that he sent in his retirement papers last year, thus paying homage to one of the strangest moments in sports history, not counting Wannstedt’s moustache.

I caught up with Williams’ recently on line at a local 7-Eleven. At least I think it was him. He had a Ricky Williams’ jersey on…