Showing posts from August, 2013

Spam email of the week SPECIAL FRIDAY EDITION

Subject: Gold Ministry

"Go forth and tell the world the good news about ... GOOOOOOOLD." - St. Peter maybe?

Dear Friend,

I am not your friend. J/k we are friends.

I am thedirector from the gold ministry

Wow, this email is really coming from the top. If this email were sent from like, an advertising executive at the gold ministry, I'd probably be like, "Pfft, whatevs." But the director? This is big.

I have a golden opportunity to
share with you


amember registered from the gold ministry from
Australia has a lot ofinheritance here in Benin cotonou west Africa,

Oh wow, what a coincidence! A member of the gold ministry (not a real thing) from Australia (irrelevant) has a lot of inheritance (cool phrase) in Benin Cotonou West Africa (Australians are quite…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Contact person:Mr.John Martins

Been waiting for my contact person for a hot minute. This seems legit.

Your total fund of $1,500,000.00 has been released and registered to deliver.

I hope there is someone at a money factory somewhere who saw my tightly packed bundle of $1.5 mil roll down the assembly line and stamped it in red: REGISTERED: MIKE KENNY, U.S. That is how money works, right? And then it's just delivered? Like on a truck?

It will be sent through dhl delivery company.

DHL delivery person: (rings doorbell)

Me: (answers door wearing overalls, no shirt) 'Sup.

DHL delivery person: Yeah, hey ... got a delivery for you here of a ... (checks clipboard) ... Hello Kitty sing-it-yourself microphone set?

Me: Nope.

DHL delivery person: (checks clipboard again) ... a ... wine refrigerator?

Me: Got one. (lifts up half empty bottle of Charles Shaw red for proof, takes swig)

DHL delivery person: (furiously flipping through pages of packing slips)

Me: Here's a hint: It's the o…

Made up word becomes real source of frustration, joy

Our oldest daughter made up a word, and it may in fact be the word she uses more often than any other word.

I may be partly to blame. I have frequently enjoyed making up words just to see if I’ll get a response from these two knuckleheads we call our daughters. For example:

Girls in unison: Daddy we want ice cream! Can we have ice cream? Pleeeease, daddy, pleeease can we have ice cream?

Me: Well, we’re all out of ice cream, BUT … who wants sclompers?

Girls in unison: I WANT SCLOMPERS! Yea, sclompers! We’re gonna have sclompers!

Is this wrong of me? Possibly.

Sure enough, our oldest daughter followed my lead and made up her own word: coo-kah. I spell it like that intentionally because there is another way to spell it which, it turns out, has terrible connotations in a language other than English. I assure you this word was borne of innocence, however, the mere sound of it does seem to straddle the line. It would probably be ideal for us to just have her, ya’ know, stop saying it. But … yo…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Are you ahead of the curve? Tap into the power of Social Media

What is "social media?"

Dear Colleague,

colleague: Noun. 1) A person with whom one works, esp. in a profession or business. Synonyms: fellow, mate, fellow worker, friend. 2) A person you don't know at all who emailed you once and probably doesn't exist. Synonyms: weirdo, who is this?, Bigfoot, spambot

Looking for an excuse to get out of the office?

No. I am a grown-ass man. If I want to leave the office, I just clock out, sign the sign-out sheet, leave my driver's license and other identification on my boss' desk, attach my ankle monitor, and go get some fresh air for the allotted 45 seconds. Sheesh, this ain't CHINA.

Why not join your Social Media marketing peers at the Two Day Social Media Strategy Seminar in Atlantic City, NJ.

Besides it being a MASSIVE waste of time and resources? THERE IS NO REASON WHY NOT! Nevertheless, do you have any reasons why I actually should? I have to run th…

Adapting to adopting

They say the second one is different, less stressful. I think I can now attest to that.

We were filled with anxiety prior to adopting daughter No. 1. Every night we would pray that things went smoothly, and we would flip out when our correspondence to lawyers, caseworkers, et al was not replied to immediately. The sense of relief when the judge made it official was palpable, and my response to this momentous event was to write overly sappy personal accounts of my feelings. Yikes. Sorry.

Daughter No. 2? Not so much. Three years ago we were all like, “Oh my goodness, we’re adopting a child! Thou hast blest us greatly on this joy-filled occasion of love everlasting!” Last week I had to call out of work like, “Hey boss, I need off Wednesday. ‘Bout to adopt this kid.” It was like running an errand. On the way to court I dropped the dog off at PetSmart for his annual vaccines. Really.

Of course, this is not a reflection of our feelings toward one girl or the other—we love them in the equal…

Spam email of the week

Subject: A New Business Opportunity

I've been looking for one of those! Whenever I get an email about a new business opportunity, I know it is legit because: who would want to bust my balls like that? Granted, none of the prior emailed business opportunities I have relentlessly pursued have worked out and now I am broke and living in an abandoned warehouse and also my identity was stolen. But still, THIS one? This one is it. I can feel it. I hope it is about duct cleaning.

Revolutionary Duct Cleaning!


Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. "The Revolution (Of Duct Cleaning) Will Not Be Televised," is a song I am going to record in response to this email and also to get the word out. About to call Rick Rubin in a hot minute to produce that joint. But first I need to understand the revolution, which is an appropriate word to use re: duct cleaning methods (shout out to all revolutionary war vets around the globe, mad respect).

What's t…

Color me happy: books inspire my inner artist

You know what’s fun as all heck? Coloring. I love to color. Like in coloring books. I am 35 years old.

Granted, I probably went a good quarter century without coloring—that awkward time in a man’s life between 8 years old and becoming a dad—but I simply cannot pretend it is not an extremely enjoyable endeavor.

Our daughters have 8,000 coloring books. Really, a new coloring book emerges every single day, from where I do not know. Plus there are the family restaurant placemat coloring thingees that are covered in food and drink stains but that they absolutely INSIST on bringing home because they promise to “finish” them (they don’t). My point is: our home does not lack in mediums on which to color.

But I know what you’re asking: Do you have crayons? YOU BET WE HAVE CRAYONS. Thin crayons, thick crayons, broken crayons, half eaten crayons, crayons with paper coverings, naked crayons … all kinds of crayons. The only crayon we’re perpetually missing is the color you absolutely need to finis…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Stone mosaic and Glass mosaic and Metal mosaic????????

Me: What are: types of mosaics I love and want to learn more about.

Alex Trebek: Correct.

Me: I'll take STUPID USELESS CRAP for $800, Alex.

邀请您观看 Stone mosaic and Glass mosaic and Metal mosaic 的相册: masaike

I have to admit, there was not ONE time during the reading of this email that I ever forgot I was reading about Stone mosaic and Glass mosaic and Metal mosaic. Kudos to keeping my focus because I am easily distracted. Also, the word "masaike," which is Japanese for "mosaic???????" is hyperlinked and leads to a Picasa web album. According to Picasa:

This content has been removed because it violates our Terms of Service.

I bet Glass mosaic was showing its nipple. Glass mosaic is a sluuuut. Sorry, someone had to say it.

Still though, now I don't have any visuals on which to be base my important decision re: Stone mosaic and Glass mosaic and Metal mosaic.

OH SNIZZ-AP. Blown away. BA-LOWN. AWAY. I have…

Parents, international: only call if it’s an emergency

My parents and in-laws are presently on vacation. Together. In Canada.

Yes, my parents and my wife’s parents are actually friends. They were sort of forced into a friendship when my sister married my wife’s brother. With two children each betrothed to members of the same family, it became impossible for them to hide behind the birthday party small talk so commonly associated with the parents/in-laws relationship.

Now, are they vacation friends? We shall see. As someone who has spent many a vacation with my parents … we shall see. (Back in ’88 my mom told my dad to turn left when he should have turned right while trying to find our way back to the Howard Johnson’s hotel on a family vacation in historic Williamsburg, VA. I ended up on the verge of tears in the back seat, thinking their divorce was imminent. I experienced this raw emotion while wearing a tri-corner colonial hat.)

As far as their ability to get along is concerned, my wife and I were both comforted by our respective parent…

Spam email of the week

Subject: I: opportunity

Cool, like "I, Robot." This email stars Will Smith as an alien-fighting detective looking for an opportunity, and the opportunity is played by his son, Jaden. "It's the email of the summer!" says I Heart Emails magazine.

Hello, you ride a material concerning a new social network that will start from June.

(dismounts material) I'm sorry, what did you say? I couldn't hear you - I was riding this material.

Up to 27 this month there is the ability to subscribe and you formed a net under you, through which you can make some good gains, because whenever a person comes to open anything on you RPLLN you will be awarded a percentage of the company's earnings.

So wait, hold up - you're telling me this whole time I could have been getting percentages when people open anything on my RPLLN? Mad peeps have been opening my RPLLN for years! I am losing money! How can I fix this re: my RPLLN?

All this is done through an invitation that I owe…