Thursday, January 19, 2017

MSN quick links of the week



MY HOUSEPLANT LOOKS LIKE A PLANT IN THE HOUSE BUT IN THE WILD IT LOOKS LIKE A PLANT



THIS QUESTION MAKES A LOT OF ASSUMPTIONS

BUT YES

THERE IS ALSO MOLD ON MY CHILD SOPHIE

SHOULD I BE WORRIED



I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS CRAZY CHEF WHO IS ALWAYS FEUDING WAS INVOLVED IN A CRAZY CHEF FEUD



HI IT’S MIKE CAN YOU TELL ME 50 WAYS TO GIVE MY FINANCES A FRESH START

CPA: UH WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

YOU KNOW … FRESH

CPA: I JUST

FINE CAN YOU GIVE ME LIKE 25 WAYS

CPA: I REALLY DON’T KNOW WH-

UGH ARE YOU EVEN A PROFESSIONAL



JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

I HAVE DISSECTED THIS HEADLINE OVER THE COURSE OF THREE GRUELING DAYS AND IT MAKES LESS SENSE THAN WHEN I STARTED



THINK OF MY FINANCES AS OATMEAL

CPA: OH OK SO YOU WANT ME TO PREPARE YOUR FINANCES IN A CRAZY FRESH WAY AS IF I WERE DISCOVERING NEW WAYS TO MAKE OATMEAL

YES

CPA: DOES IT HAVE TO BE CRAZY FRESH OR JUST FRESH

UM JUST FRESH, I DON’T WANT TO BE A DIVA

CPA: OK I THINK I G-

WAIT …

CPA: …

CRAZY FRESH



THIS HOUSE IS PRETTY DOPE BUT IT FEELS LIKE IT’S MISSING SOMETHING

THERE’S A COLD SOULESS EMPTINESS TO IT THAT MAKES IT FEEL LIKE AN INDIFFERENT STRUCTURE RATHER THAN A PLACE TO EXPERIENCE LOVE AFFECTION AND LASTING MEMORIES, NO OFFENSE

HAVE YOUR HOUSEPLANTS EVER SPENT TIME IN THE WILD

YES? OK WELL THAT’S NOT IT

WAIT A SECOND I THINK I GOT IT


THIS IS IMPORTANT MUSIC NEWS

HOLD UP WAIT A SECOND



IS THAT



IS THAT MOLD

Thursday, January 05, 2017

Spam email of the week

From: <arias@infomed.sld.cu>
Date: December 23, 2016 at 3:56:38 PM EST
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: From Paul

Everything seems on the up and up so far.

From. Paul Ndopu

Tel: 
+27834763647,

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME BELOW MY PRIVATE Email= 
paulndopu4@gmail.com

OK. Can I read this first? Let me read this first.

Dear Friend

We are here with our mother

In anxious times such as these, I don’t require context or a backstory. Just get to the point – are you all there and, if so, is your mother there as well? This is the foundation on which I will base my decision to proceed or nah.

Btw, when this email is made into a movie, I want Morgan Freeman to dramatically narrate this opening line on some “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” type ish.

meanwhile we got your name in our search for a foreign partner who will help us as we and our mother status as refugee cannot allow us to transfer our money.

I think I speak for all of us undisclosed recipients when I say, I understand, and thank you for choosing me exclusively.

Please accept our
apology if this e-mail is embarrassing as you don't know us.

Embarrassing is when someone farts in church. This garbage nonsense email elicits feelings of confusion and disgust. So no worries!

My mother and I

We’re not even out of the first paragraph and we’re on the third “mother.” Looks like we got a real motherboy on our hands here.

we are in need of urgent assistance. I the son Paul and my mother

Are you with your mother?

Madam Thokozile and my sister? Miss Miriam Ndopu,

If I ever write a book about spam emails, it will be titled “Is Miss Miriam Ndopu My Sister?” And Other Important Questions I Am Unqualified to Answer. If anyone would like to publish this, holla.

the DOUTHTER of Sir, and Julius Ndopu, of Zimbabwe.

That is one emphatic-ass gross misspelling, but it has left me with the pleasure of imagining the Zimbabwe version of Pearl Jam singing, “Don’t call me DOUTHTER.”

During the current crises against farmers in Zimbabwe and from the support of our president ROBERT MUGABE to claim all the white owned farms in our country. All the white farmers were ordered to surrender their farms to his party members.

I am so tired of whites being oppressed.

Our father Sir Julius Ndopu who was one of the best farmers in our country did not support his idea. And so the party
members invaded my father's farms and burnt everything in the farm, and our father was beaten up by this evil men and made away with a lot of properties in our father's farm company And the tension was so
much on him he was rushed to a SPECIALIT HOSPITAL in South Africa

“Farming got you down? Political parties burning your Caucasian corn crops? Feel like there’s nowhere to turn? There is. Doctors and nurses at the SPECIALIT HOSPITAL FOR FARMER TENSION in South Africa are experts in relieving crop- and political-related strife, as well as injuries sustained during beatdowns by evil farming villains. So if you’re a white farmer with adequate insurance, call us today. You’ll be happy you did.”

along with us and our mother

Hold up, this is the first I’m hearing about your mother.

we move out of Zimbabwe because our lives were in danger. And after much distress our beloved father died
here in South Africa. But before then, our father handed over to our mother

#mother

a proof of deposit slip/Agreement and some documents which was made between him and A VERY RELIABLE FINANCIAL SECURITY COMPANY here in South Africa on which he deposited the sum of $30MILION (THIRTY MILLION
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLAR)

Sir Julius Ndopu (father): I cannot survive these (cough) significant injuries from being beat up by evil farming men, but (cough) before I go … here … a deposit slip from A VERY RELIABLE FINANCIAL SECURITY COMPANY.

Madam Thokozile (mother): Geez, did you summon all your strength just to yell that?

Father: Yes, this is very important. Also, here are some documents (throws papers on floor). This obviously proves I have deposited $30MILLION UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLAR.

Mother: I just, what? This deposit slip has a picture of a stick figure handing a sack that reads “$30MILL USA” to another stick figure and it’s signed by “very reliable financial security company guy president.”

Father: You must be surprised that I never revealed my legitimate riches. I had my reasons. My reasons were that I wanted it for myself. Sorry/not sorry. (dies)

This money was raised by his farmer's group for the purchasing of farming equipments/machineries before the land dispute Rose.

Rose (Mother’s skeptical friend): So, I don’t get it. Where did he get $30 million to invest in securities?

Mother: This money was raised by his farmer's group for the purchasing of farming equipments/machineries before the land dispute, Rose.

So we decided to make contact with an overseas person,

I’M AN OVERSEAS PERSON

who will assist us
to transfer this money out of South Africa, we want to be there in your country. We are here as refugee and our status don't allow us to stand for the fund for transfer, we will like you to stand as our father's
beneficiary,

I understand completely. Do you think my status as “not your father’s beneficiary” will allow me to stand for the fund transfer?

and with the help of our father's financial attorney this transfer is going to be fast and easy.

Honestly, I don’t get involved in any fiscal transactions that aren’t blessed by a Zimbabwean financial attorney. And fast and easy is how I prefer my fund transfers, women, coffee, and boxed mac n’ cheese.

Note that for your time and help 35% of this fund is yours and 5% of the fund is for any expenses incurred
both locally and internationally in the course of this transfer and the remaining 60% is for our family to start up business in your country with your support.

This is an extremely fair breakdown. Financial attorney much? lol

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME BELOW MY PRIVATE Email= 
paulndopu4@gmail.com

When you reply we will tell you things you need to do.

OK. I am with my mother. Does that matter?

THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU
Mr. Paul and Miss Miriam Ndopu
(FOR THE FAMILY)

FOR THE FAMILY, the new hit CBS sitcom starring Mr. Paul and Miss Miriam Ndopu, premiers this Wednesday!

“Where did all the money for the farming machineries go?”

“I told you, mother - father invested the money in securities before he died.”

“Well what about MY security? Who's gonna plow these crops, ADT? ”

(laugh track)

“(in unison) What now, Rose?”

“I mean, do guys understand even the basic concept of a legal financial transaction?”

“(in unison) Goodbye, Rose! (door slams)”

(laugh track)

CBS Wednesday! 

Thursday, December 22, 2016

MSN quick links of the week



BOSS: GUYS I FOUND THE PERFECT STOCK PHOTO FOR THE "BIGGEST PIGS TO ENJOY FRONT PORCHES" ARTICLE I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS, PLEASE MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T GET USED ELSEWHERE

INTERN: SHIT



OMG ATTACKED FOR WHAT

HIS DISLIKE OF THE 2015 SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW

I'LL NEVER KNOW

BIGGEST TAKEAWAY: THE BAND RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS HAS A WIFE



IS THAT BAD




CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE SHOT THE NEIGHBOR FROM HOME ALONE

THE REAL QUESTION IS WHO IS WITHHOLDING THE WORD "HAVE" FROM THIS HEADLINE

YOU JUST GOT SERVED, HISTORYINORBIT

I'M SURE THEY WON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN




"HMMM, FEELS LIKE WE WOULD REMEMBER THAT ONE REGARDLESS" -PUBLIC




OK

UNFORTUNATELY WHAT I NEED IS GEENA DAVIS'S DARKENING SCRUB FOR BRIGHT SPOTS

NEVERTHELESS THIS IS A GOOD NEWS ARTICLE THAT I WILL READ WATCH



BOSS: I WANT YOU TO RESEARCH THE WEIRDEST FOOD FACTS IN EVERY STATE

INTERN: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEA-

BOSS: WE WILL SPARE NO EXPENSE, YOUR FIRST CLASS FLIGHT TO WYOMING LEAVES IN 45 MINUTES

INTERN: I JUST ... WHO WILL WATCH MY DOG

BOSS: I HEARD IN WYOMING THEY EAT SKITTLES WITH SPOONS

INTERN: (FRANTICALLY PUTTING ON JACKET)

BOSS: THIS WILL BE YOUR OLD MAN AND THE SEA



(ADDS ELLIPSES TO HEADLINE)

(YOU CLICK)

"WITH YOUR BUTT"

(THERE IS NO ARTICLE, JUST A PICTURE OF A BUTT WITH COOKIE DOUGH ON IT)

(BTW THAT USEFUL CRITIQUE WAS *MY* OLD MAN AND THE SEA)



YA BURNT, COUNCILMAN JAM

LIBRARY CAT WILL OUTLIVE US ALL




WAIT ARE YOU TELLING ME I CAN'T PUT A CUTE-ASS SANTA HAT ON A KITTEN AND BRING IT HOME WITHOUT ANY PHYSICAL REPERCUSSIONS

COOL FITNESS ARTICLE, US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT




TIME TO FIND OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL IF MY SUSPICIONS ARE CORRECT AND THIS GENITAL RASH IS BEING CAUSED BY MY HOT WATER HEATER

OR COULD IT BE POSSIBLE THAT MY REFUSAL TO HEED THE WARNINGS OF US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT HAVE RESULTED IN MY CHRISTMAS CAT MAKING ME ITCHY

SEEMS FAR-FETCHED GET IT

LOL

ANYWAY I SET THE CAT FREE

IMMA JUST CHILL COMMITMENT-FREE WITH LIBRARY CAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Friday, December 16, 2016

Spam email of the week

Dear Sir,

Hello there.

This letter is a final warning notice

  • This is an email. 
  • This is the first warning notice. 
  • This is not a warning.

regarding the death of Late Edward (last name withheld),
  • “death of Late” is redundant
  • “Late” need not be capitalized.
  • A last name would be helpful.

wife and only daughter while on holiday at Louisiana USA

Imagine asking someone where they’re spending their family vacation and they respond, “WE’RE GOING ON HOLIDAY AT LOUISIANA USA.” I put that in CAPS because that’s the only way a person who would ever speak like this would communicate.

in the August 2005 Atlantic hurricane Katrina disaster.

This email is timely.

According to the laws of England and Wales,

Seems relevant re: Katrina.

section 46 of the Administration of Estates Act of 1925 (with subsequent amendments).

Neither coherent nor a sentence. That said, please don't preach to me about foreign laws of which I am obviously already well aware.

My late client's bank has issued me a Final written notice to provide his next-of-kin within 7 days 

Or 11 years, whichever comes first.

or have his funds declared UNCLAIMED and sent into government treasury.

No one wants that. Especially me, his next of kin.

I have been in charge of managing his properties here in London for a long time. There were some of his properties put out for sale before his death,

“I AM SELLING MY HOUSE SO WE CAN GO ON HOLIDAY AT LOUISIANA USA. YOLO.” – Late Edward Cumberbatch IV (last name withheld)

for which payment has since been made. The proceeds of the sale is deposited into his local account here.

These are good, useful facts about how financial transactions generally work.

I found your name in some of his documents

“DEAR DIARY, TODAY I SOLD MY HOUSE. LOUISIANA USA HERE WE COME! MAYBE MY FIFTH COUSIN THRICE REMOVED MIKE WILL BE THERE. HE IS FROM USA. HE HAS A BLOG."

and that is why I traced your email through an advanced search.

You, sir, are a sleuth who knows his way around an advanced search bar. Tip of the ol’ cap.

I am contacting you because you bear the same last-name with my late client.

But wait, my last name is (last name withheld).

O.

M.

G.

I want to know if you are in anyway related to my late client.

In this instance, “anyway” should be two words. If my fifth cousin thrice removed Late Edward was Alive Edward today, he’d call me the grammar police. That was a little joke we had between cousins. He was my cousin.

Regards,

R.cressman &associates.

You are very good at writing your company’s name. I therefore have full confidence that this will proceed accordingly.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

MSN quick links of the week


YOU DO YOUR THING BOSTON GRADS, ABOUT TIME THE AUTO INDUSTRY GOT ITS JUST COMEUPPANCE




HOW DO I GET THIS LINK INTO A TIME CAPSULE SO FUTURE GENERATIONS UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WE'RE ALL ABOUT




HOLD UP IS THIS ... ARE WE TALKING GRADS FROM BOSTON TECH UNIVERSITY

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUDE

I AM WORRIED THE AUTO INDUSTRY CLAPPED BACK






THANK YOU FOR SPECIFYING "ADULT'S" BECAUSE I LEARNED THE HARD WAY THAT A FOOD PROCESSOR IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THE LIL' TIKES COOK N' LEARN

IT DOESN'T HAVE A GFI

ANYWAY I WILL LOOK INTO THIS THING THAT APPEARS TO BE A POT, WHICH I'VE HEARD SOME GOOD THINGS ABOUT




LET US EAT THIS MICKEY MOUSE SHAPED ICE CREAM SANDWICH FOR MORTALITY REMAINS OUR HELPLESS FATE




OMG

IS THERE A DEAD TECH  GRAD ON THE FLOOR



TOUGH TO SAY

BUT YES



I JUST ... NOW WHO'S *THIS* GUY


A PERIOD COMES AFTER A SENTENCE

WHICH THIS IS NOT

BOOM, ROASTED TRADER JOE'S MAC & CHEESE BITES

MMMM ... ROASTED MAC & CHEESE BITES




PLEASE STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF

YA KNOW WHAT FORGET IT, YOU BOSTON/MATH/TECH GRADS DON'T SCARE ME




I TAKE IT BACK

I WILL CLICK

I HAVE EVERQUOTE INSURANCE NOW

YOU WIN

Thursday, December 08, 2016

MSN quick links of the week



NO. 33 TEACH YOUR TWEEN DAUGHTER TO PLAY GUITAR



MY OUTDOOR PILATES CLASS IS TAUGHT BY A SHIRTLESS BIOLOGIST WHO LIVES BEHIND PIZZA HUT

HE TOLD ME THE NEW DEFINITION OF AGING IS "PROCESS BY WHICH YOU MEET ME FOR A DRINK LATER"



THE THING THAT MOST IMPACTS MY CAR-DRIVING EXPERIENCE IS MY CAR KEYS




OH I GET IT, COOLEST

HOW ARE THERE 10 ICE HOTELS

MY OVER/UNDER FOR NUMBER OF WORLDWIDE ICE HOTELS WAS ZERO ICE HOTELS

IMAGINE YOU'RE AN ICE HOTEL THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT HERE

WHAT THE HELL IS SNOWSHOEING



HERE WAS MY JOKE:

"NO. 4 DON'T DRINK SO MUCH RED WINE"

THEN I THOUGHT I BET THAT IS LITERALLY ONE OF THE THINGS


GOOD STUFF



REPLACE "BEST" WITH "WORST" AND YOU CAN HAVE MY CLICK

I WANT TO SHAKE THE HAND OF THE INTERN WHO HAD TO SIFT THROUGH DOZENS OF CELEBRITY PASTA-EATING PHOTOS TO DETERMINE THE SWEET 16

SEE HIS WAR ROOM WHITEBOARD

HUGH JACKMAN + ROTINI  TOO PEDESTRIAN




PLEASE CHOOSE ONE OF THESE 50 INTERNET-ASSIGNED BABY NAMES FOR YOUR ONE-OF-A-KIND (AIR QUOTES) CAUCASIAN BABY

THIS BABY WILL WATCH AS YOU CHOOSE

NO PRESSURE






WE CHOSE CADBURY OK, BACK OFF BABY

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Facebook gif of the week



AUNTY ACID DON’T PLAY

LITERALLY, YOU CAN'T PLAY THIS IT'S A SCREENSHOT

HOWEVER “AUNTY ACID” *IS* A PLAY ON “ANTACID” WHICH IS AN AGENT THAT NEUTRALIZES GASTRIC ACID

ONE IS THEREFORE LEFT TO ASSUME THAT ALL IF NOT MOST OF AUNTY ACID MEMES PORTRAY HER ON THE TOILET

ANYWAY

IN THIS SHORT FILM AUNTY ACID RUNS OUT OF TOILET PAPER

THE JOKE IS THAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO ASSUME THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION IS “A PENIS” EVEN THOUGH THE PICTURE CLEARLY SHOWS AUNTY ACID ON THE TOILET

IMO THIS MEME WOULD BE AN ALL-TIME GREAT IF EVERYTHING REMAINED EXACTLY THE SAME BUT THE ANSWER INDEED WAS “A PENIS”

MAN THAT’S GOOD STUFF

IN THE VIDEO SHE DOES A JERKING MOTION

THE JERKING MOTION OF THE EMPTY ROLL IS SUPPOSED TO FURTHER INSINUATE “PENIS”

EVEN THOUGH SHE’S ON THE TOILET

MY WIFE SAW THIS MEME AND ASKED “WHAT IS A TOILET ROLL”

SHE IS THE BEST

ONE WOULD THINK THAT FOR ALL OF HER GASTROINTESTINAL ISSUES THAT AUNTY ACID WOULD CHECK THE TOILET PAPER ROLL BEFORE SITTING DOWN

FEELS LIKE SHE MADE HER OWN BED TOILET ON THIS ONE

I TRIED TO SAVE THIS VIDEO (IT’S A VIDEO BECAUSE THE JERKING MOTION WAS *THAT* IMPORTANT) TO POST ON THIS BLOG WHICH OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T WORK - IT ONLY SAVED TO FACEBOOK, AND THIS HAPPENED



SO THIS IS ROCK BOTTOM

ALSO IF I DON’T KNOW WHAT A TOILET ROLL IS I DEFINITELY DON’T KNOW WHAT A TOILER ROLL IS

ANYWAY THE ANSWER IS NOT PENIS