Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Vacancy(8163164346843)

Looks like there’s a vacancy at the ol’ (8163164346843). Gonna book my reservation now before the ol’ (8163164346843), as it is wont to do, fills up with as$hole tourists.

Hello,
Your contact was provided by the job-board where you recently posted your CV.

I’m as surprised I posted my CV to a job board as I am that I knew enough about what a CV was to post one. But hey, if you say so.

Our Company needs today Branch Coordinator.

Your company needs today Email Writerer, like … yesterday.

On recommendation we had concerning your candidature, I'm kindly want you to seriously weight this letter.

I would describe the weight of this letter as very heavy on nonsense gibberish crap. But I DID weigh it with a furrowed brow, and thus, seriously.

Now let me show the key point of our Company's business.

Please.

We provide the best-in class delivery services for our partners outside of the United States. We proceed correspondence and goods all over the world, directly to its destination.

You’ve obviously meticulously reviewed my CV, in which I made reference to my vast experience as newspaper guy, author, weird blogger, and shipper of international goods.

You can earn pay rate up to $3350 per month.

By “up to” I will assume you mean “exactly, guaranteed” and yes, I’ll take the job.

Our Position involves directly supervising activities such as project assessment and planning, receiving and proceeding client's items and orders through services with which we co-operate.

Not to brag, but I’ve been endorsed on LinkedIn for literally all of those things.

You must have:
- Permanent US address

Pfft. Got it.

- PC connected to internet

Holla atcha boy. Wait, do I have to bring my own computer to wor-

- Mobile

OK so … do I need a mobile phone or do I have to BE mobile? Because—funny story—last week I pulled my groin while reaching for my iPhone which had just fallen into the toilet, and well …

- Be self-motivated and responsible

I don’t have any experience with that, but I’m a fast lear- (falls asleep, takes three-hour nap)

Please reply us at: celestelaytonkwh@yahoo.com
Hope to hear from you soon!
Id856Cs6

“Hello Celeste Laytonkwh! About that vacancy …” is how I will begin my email, which will be followed by a montage of me succeeding at my new CV. The montage will include footage of me depositing $3,350-checks into my ATM every week, and ships crossing the ocean carrying the international goods I’ve sold from my Internet-ready PC. The song that will play over the montage will be Peabo Bryson’s “If Ever You’re in My Arms Again,” just because I like that song. 

Friday, August 21, 2015

Facebook meme(s) of the day

GRANDMA MEMES




I’M IN GRANDMA

LET’S GO GET SOME COCAINE AND PROSTITUTES

I MEAN WHAT

MY BAD, LET’S EAT TOO MUCH SHERBERT

LEAVE A 7% TIP

I DON’T GIVE A WHAAAAAAAAT

GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF PUTTING FOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS INSTEAD OF A QUESTION MARK

THIS GRANDMA GIVES ZERO Fs

TOO BAD GRANDMAS ARE SO OLD




WHAT

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

IS SHIPPING AND HANDLING MORE AGE

I DON’T

WHAT

MAYBE THE COMMENTS WILL HELP



THE COMMENTS DIDN’T HELP




OH WAIT MY BAD THAT HELPS

GRANDMA WAS IN THE PACKAGE THE WHOLE TIME AND SHE HAS A CONCUSSION?

SHE STILL ESPECIAL THO

ESPECIALLY OLD LOL

GOOD NIGHT

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: DEAR BENEFICIARY---YOUR LONG AWAITED FUND WAS FINALLY RELEASED TODAY!!!

Cool cool cool.

From: Miss Donna Gwen

Verified.

Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $3.5,000,000,00

I read this as three dollars and fifty ceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeents. But it’s “to the tune” of that so who knows—it could be more.

Million us dollars

Oh sweet.

due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your  end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.

“And we would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids this email.” – selfish, swindling corrupt government officials

The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current Governor of Washington DC his Excellency Governor Jay Inslee to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owned to you and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling,Inheritance and the likes.

It only makes sense that the governor of DC would finally release my gambling winnings. Because I live in D.C. and gamble a lot and that is how gambling works.

Now how would you like to receive your payment?

Straight cash, homey.

Because we have two method of payment which is by Check or by ATM card?

Hmmm, that’s a tough one. Can you describe how those work? I don’t know about anything.

ATM Card: We will be issuing you a custom pin based ATM card which you will use to withdraw up to $10,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it and the card have to be renewed in 4 years time which is 2018. Also with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your local bank account. The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Even if you do not have a bank account.

ATM card manual

Congratulations on your new automatic teller machine card! Now you are ready to withdraw money from an ATM and finally get back your gambling winnings from the government.

Step 1: Insert your ATM card into the machine as shown on the machine.

Step 2: Type in the custom pin sent to you via email from Miss Donna Gwen of the FBI (winky face emoticon).

Step 3: Choose the account you want to draw the money from. Don’t have an account? NO PROBLEM! Just …

Hold on … checking on this …

Step 4: Walk into the bank and set up an account. Do so under the name “Mr. Bert Frank.” Seriously, this should work. Tell them the Governor of D.C., Jay Inslee (?), sent you money but he accidentally put it inside their machine and you need to get it out. Tell them to call him if they want, but they probably won’t because you just name-dropped a government official so they’ll totally believe you. (If they do call him though, walk out of the bank briskly.)

Step 5: Casually withdraw $10,000 every day for the next 350 days. The bank will think this is good and normal.

Step 6: Time to reinvest this money by gambling.

Check: To be deposited in your bank for it to be cleared within three working days. Your payment would be sent to you via any of your preferred option and would be mailed to you via UPS.

Choose any option you want! Choose UPS. UPS is the only option.

Because we have signed a contract with UPS which should expire in next three weeks you will only need to pay $380 instead of $720 saving you $340

“Your contract with us is set to expire so please give your customers like half-off on everything.” – UPS, to you

Ha ha, UPS is so weird. Anyway, $380 seems a like reasonable amount to pay so that I might finally receive all of my gambling money that I got from gambling.

So if you pay before the three weeks you save $340

Yup, got it.

Take note that anyone asking you for some kind of money above the usual fee is definitely a fraudsters

Oh wow, thanks so much. I’ll be on the lookout for anyone trying to charge me $400 to mail out a piece of paper. I’ll be like, “STOP RIGHT THERE! YOU’RE A FRAUDSTERS!” You and I, Donna, are bonded by our common distaste for a fraudsters and for fraudster in general.

and you will have to stop communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any. Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $380.00 nothing more! Nothing less!

Whew! Man, I was very worried about having to spend less than $380. Such a relief. Anyway, I think I’m going to choose the ATM card.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Facebook meme of the day



LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

WHAT IF I SEE YOU WITH THIS BOTTLE BUT IT’S EMPTY LIKE THIS BOTTLE

I’LL STILL RUN I GUESS

NOT TRYING TO GET CHOKED OUT LOL I HAVE A FAMILY

THOSE ARE EMPHATIC INSTRUCTIONS

“USE AS DIRECTED MOTHA F_______!!!!!!!” – YOUR DOCTOR

A.K.A DR. GRAMMAR, EMDEEEE

“IMMA PREVENT THE URGE OF RUNNING THIS LABIL THROUGH SPELL CHICK (POPS PILL)” – ALSO YOUR DOCTOR

FEELS LIKE MAYBE YOU’RE PROJECTING YOUR WHITE TRASH DRAMA/NONSENSE/LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY AND MATURITY ONTO OTHERS BY BLAMING THEM FOR YOUR SELF-INDUCED ADVERSITY AND THREATENING THEM WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE WHICH ONLY SERVES TO PERPETUATE YOUR PRESENT STATE WHICH IS YOU CONSTANTLY PORTRAYING YOURSELF AS THE VICTIM OF IDIOCY WHEN YOU ARE IN FACT THE IDIOT

BUT HEY I’M NO DACTOR

I MEAN WHAT

CRAZY PILLS LOL KEEP THE MEMES COMIN’

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Attn: Dear Beneficiary

This subject has a) a subject, b) an “Attn” AND c) a salutation. I am blushing.

ICPC NIGERIA (Anti-Fraud Unit)
we fight against fraud, funds delay and impersonation.

I would like to make this into one of those law firm-esque commercials you see during the day while staying home from work and watching Judge Joe Brown because you have diarrhea a hangover a bad cold.

Narrator: ICPC NIGERIA, Anti-Fraud Unit!

(gavel slams onto an anvil, everything shatters into pieces)

Narrator: We fight against, fraud, funds delay, and impersonation!

(explosion)

Lawyer quick talk voice: ICPCNigeriaisnotafederallyrecognizedinstitution, fightagainstimpersonationsdoesnotincludehilariousRonBurgundyvoices

Attn: Dear Beneficiary
This letter will definitely be amazing to you because of it’s a realistic value.

So far this letter is amazing because of its typos, but I’m sure it will prove to have realistic value as well.

Sorry for the inconveniences that was rendered to you in your line of Inheritance

No worries. Wait wh-

Payment transaction with some impersonators some while ago. I know that this letter will hit you by surprise, but firstly I will like to introduce myself; I am ( Mr. Nta Ekpo )

That is not how parenthesis work. Or names.

the Legal chairman of "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit). On the 1st of October 2000, the President of The Federal Republic of Nigeria (Chief Olusegun Obasanjo) introduced a Commission named the "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit)

Oh now I understand the acronym:

INigeria’s
CAnti-
PFraud
CUnit

which is duly registered under the United Nations (U.N.O).

Dammit you can’t just add letters onto things. It’s almost enough to make me skeptical about this email. ALMOST.

This particular Commission was initiated to detect fraud/funds delay/impersonation of Government Officials.

I’m only now starting to worry about the call I received yesterday from Ronald Reagan demanding I sell the golf clubs I inherited from my grandfather and send him the money.

Secondly, we are mandated by the US Government to settle foreign debts/fraud victims/UN-paid beneficiaries to satisfactory in other to maintain peace in the world at large and also to create a good relationship with the international bodies.

“The world at large” is my new favorite phrase. Looks like we can officially give credit to ICPC Nigeria for all the peace going on in the world at large right now. And speaking of international bodies …




Presently, we are being paid by the American government in other to avert beneficiary funds delays/fraud here in Nigeria. So far, we have settled the likes of (Mrs. Debbie Hargrove, Mr. Michael Wagner etc).

Oh snap—you settled the funds of Deb-Deb and my boy Mikey Wags? Why didn’t you say so?

You are being contacted by this office today dated because your Case File (A) is the very first File on our Settlement Files Cabinet.

So … I guess my recommendation would be to put the file *in* the cabinet? Or maybe just-

From our intelligent investigations and Probing processes

Based on correspondence thus far, I have no reason to believe your investigations have been anything less than intelligent. As far as your processes are concerned, I can only hope they've been as probing as you claim. These are my enemies we're talking about, so ... you know ... butt stuff really probing.

we discovered that you are a victim of fraud/funds delay.The "ICPC", is faithfully under my governance as the Legal Chairman of the great Commission and to this Authority I took an oath of allegiance to settle all fraud victims peacefully.

I was not aware an oath of allegiance was involved. I hereby retract any previous sarcasm, and look forward to my fraud being settled peacefully, albeit not without the possibility of additional fraud.

This Memorandum is to notify you that you will be settled by the Nigerian Government from our initial Deposit Account with HSBC Bank Plc London-UK. You will be settled with the actual amount which you lost in your previous transaction, including your Inheritance Funds. Your settlement will be actualized within 3working days after your
response to this Official Letter. For further clarifications/investigation kindly send the below information to us immediately:
1.    Your residential address.
2.    Mobile and fax number (for regular official contact).

Thank you for confirming it’s for regular contact only. I don’t want to be getting any spam on my fax machine.

3. Your inheritance funds value.
4. Amount, which you have lost previously.

Had I any doubts about the official nature of this email, they’ve since been squashed. “We totally know how much money we owe you, but tell us again just so we know for sure.”

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your Payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed victims to be settled.

I understand. I will do my best to get back to you immediately so you can finalize Case File (A) and move onto Case File (B), which is somewhere near the Settlement Files Cabinet, maybe near the boiler room? I just …

YO NTA—WHERE CASE FILE (B) AT?

Friday, August 07, 2015

Facebook meme of the day


I REMEMBER WHEN THE MINIONS SAID THIS

IN THE MINIONS MOVIE

SO TRUE SO TRUE

TIMES ARE A CHANGIN’

“BIG GIRLS DON’T CRY” – THE JERSEY BOYZ (?), 1907

“BIG GIRLS CRY A LITTLE BIT, BUT THEN THEY KEEP HAVING A SWORDFIGHT” – MINIONS, 2015

AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT

SPEAKING OF ENLIGHTENMENT LET’S GO TO THE COMMENTS





THANK YOU AMY. HERE IS AMY:

“I DON’T CRY … THEN CRY WHEN I’M ALONE LATER.”

EIGHT PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

MAKE IT NINE (ME)



BERNADETTE DOESN’T LIKE OLIVIA BECAUSE OLIVIA IS IRRITATING

IF I WAS OLIVIA I'D BE LIKE, "CALL ME WHEN YOU GET A PROFILE PIC AND LEARN HOW TO SPELL YOU STUPID BITCH"

OR SOMETHING

ANYWAY I SMELL A SWORDFIGHT BREWIN’

WHAT ABOUT YOU PAM?



THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

J/K PAM YOU HANG IN THERE

THANKS AGAIN PAM FOR YOUR INPUT

#MINIONS

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: FEEL some warmth of Wren Y. Buran’s genitals

I feel pretty confident stating that I will never receive an email with a more wonderful subject header.

Adieu baby . This is Wren!!

Couple things, Wren. Adieu means goodbye, so … goodbye baby to you, too? Also, are you the same Wren from the subject? The one whose genitals are going to keep me warm this summer? If so, please—go on.

I found your profile via facebook. I was excited! You’re cute!

Thanks, Wren! I just want to make sure you understand that I am the dude in my facebook profile picture and not the chic, who is my wife. Cause lemme tell ya’—she does NOT believe that genitals are a legitimate source of warmth, so don’t even waste your time.

I want to share some hot photos with you, babe!

OK. But what if the hotness generated from the photos precludes me from needing the warmth of your genti-

Got big boobs, and a big butt… and know how to use them J

I read that big boobs are only utilitarian in their ability to produce milk for babies. I should also point out that boobs and butts are not genitals, in case those are the bodily attributes you were planning to use to keep me warm. Don’t blame me, Wren—blame science. #blamescience

Click bellow to view my (11) private photos:

Listen, I know spam is inherently weird. But its universal inability to spell the word “below” is fascinating to me.

NewSlut.ru/?s=Wren95

HR Director: I’m sorry—can you explain again why you clicked the link that read “New Slut?”

Me: Ugh, for the 10th time … I was freezing—who handles the thermostat in here anyway?—and was promised warmth!

HR Director: You know you’re fired, right?

Me: You know, your heart could use the warmth of some properly placed genitals.