Thursday, July 31, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Star-Times,Quartz Countertops and Slabs

Bout to get my slab on.

Hello Star-Times,

My name is Mike.

This is Rachel from Luda Quartz Stone, who manufacturing & exporting quartz stone tiles, countertop and slabs

Come again?

This is Rachel from Luda Quartz Stone, who manufacturing & exporting quartz stone tiles, countertop and slabs

Can I just ...

This is Rachel from Luda Quartz Stone, who [sic] manufacturing [sic] &[sic] exporting [sic] quartz stone tiles, countertop [sic] and slabs [sic]

OK that's better. You were saying?

LUDA’s quartz stone consists of 93%  natural quartz,resistant to cracks, scratches and stains and Non-Toxic, Non-Radiation,

I have been searching far and wide for a kitchen countertop that doesn't exude cancerous radiation. Today is a good day. (-Ice Cube)

You will    know the quality after checking the sampl.e

This is how this sentence looks in real life:

Person: But how will I know the quality?

Rachel: You will

Person: ... ... Uh

Rachel: know the quality after checking the sampl (coughs, throws up in mouth, throws up on quartz countertop)

Person: Oh my goodness, are you OK?

Rachel: .e

Person: I'm sorry, what?

Rachel: .e

Person: I just-

Rachel: .e (urinates self)

Anything we can do, just right here (

What is ... I mean ... what? Is this a slogan? A slogan that ends with a frown?

Rachel: And remember, at Luda Quartz Stone: anything we can do, just right here (frowns)

Person: OK, I ... I don't know what that means. Are you sad?

Rachel: Anything we can do, just right here (frowns)

Person: Are you saying that you can anything, but it has to be here? Can you validate my parking?

Rachel: (frowns) No we canno (coughs, throws up in mouth, throws up on quartz countertop)

Person: I'm going to call 911.

Rachel: .t

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Dentist dread a result of my lack of transparency, infinite wisdom

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to fret, more and more, the exercise of going to the dentist.

Not that going to the dentist has ever, for one second, been not terrible. But, I think, as you mature and adapt to brushing regularly (as opposed to brushing never as a child and using more effort to pretend that you had brushed your teeth than if you had just brushed your teeth … or was that just me?), there should be fewer reasons for dread. The opposite has been true for me.

For one thing, my wife convinced me some years ago to shirk, if not every time, almost every time, the x-rays. Not exposing ourselves to unnecessary radiation has been a modest life goal, call us crazy. And that is exactly what the people at the dentist's office call us.

Because let me tell me you something—the dentist's office does NOT like when you refuse the x-rays. They will say things like, “You know, the amount of radiation is less than two minutes in the sun” or some crap like that, like they’re reading off a portion of their dentist hand guide from the chapter “What To Say When Conspiracy Theory Gen-Xers Refuse X-Rays.” And the nerve, too, because if they manage to convince you otherwise, they’ll put a 50-pound bulletproof vest on you, shove a jaw-cracking device in your head, and then LEAVE THE ROOM. (For some reason, I always close my eyes when they take x-rays, as if closing my eyes will deflect the radiation to the wall.)

I’m telling you, the entire vibe of your visit changes. The pleasant small talk ends, and you become the subject of hallway whispering and the victim of passive aggressive comments like, “Of course we’d know more if we had the x-rays.”

Another reason going to the dentist stinks is because I have periodontal disease, apparently. This was something I was informed of a couple years ago, and the sudden diagnosis was likely retaliation for refusing the x-rays. "WE’LL SHOW HIM (checks off box that reads 'Periodontal disease')." I should solicit a second opinion but that would, you know, require going to another dentist.

While I’m unsure if the nature of periodontal disease was ever explained to me, I do know that it requires me to go to the dentist every four months instead of six—HOLLA ATCHA BOY—and to spend $35 out-of-pocket each visit on a special fluoride mouthwash that requires a) a stopwatch (“do not use for more than one minute, or less than one minute”) and b) avoiding water, even to rinse, at all costs for the ensuing 30 minutes. And the fluoride is actually Plan B, an alternative to some kind of regular laser treatment I refused that contains “less radiation than going through a metal detector.”

What else? They’ve been trying to get me to have my wisdom teeth removed for the past five years, and get this—I have six wisdom teeth. SIX! No joke. I am a case study. The dentist and dental assistants are like, “Everyone, come here! You gotta see this.” I will have them removed, by the way, when they’re sticking through my cheeks, exposed to the world.

(Now seems like a good time to mention that I wear a mouth guard every night as well because I grind my teeth like a mo fo. If I were single and had to place a personal ad based solely on my dental history, I would ... remain single.)

Oh, and I always have cavities. Always. It’s not even the treatment that bothers me that much—at this point I’m accustomed to having a giant needle stuck into my gums and becoming a drooling mess for the next four hours—it’s the condescending reminders of how to brush, as if I am 6. Make sure to brush in gentle, teeny-weeny circles, okay? And don’t forget the back teeth! They’re important, too. Now, for your new toothbrush—do you want Winnie the Pooh or My Little Pony?

I guess what I’m saying is, kids—brush your teeth. You don’t want to end up like me. Also, don’t have six wisdom teeth. And adults—refuse the x-rays. This is a revolution, and you don’t want to be on the wrong side of history. (And dentists—I’m kidding!)

COULDN'T HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THIS WITHOUT THE X-RAY

Note: This column appears in the 7/31 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/1 issue of the Peoria Times.

Facebook meme of the day


HUSBAND DONE GOT LOST ON THAT THERE DESERT ISLAND LIKE THREE YEARS AGO

BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO HOLLA BACK EVER SINCE

NONE OF THESE BOTTLES BE HIS, THOUGH

"DEAR BARBARA, MY LOVE FOR YOU IS UNDYING, UNLIKE MY PHYSICAL BODY, WHICH IS BEING RAVAGED BY UNKNOWN ISLAND SPECIES. TELL THE WORLD MY STORY."

PFFT

B*TCH PLEASE I AIN'T BARBARA

NOT SURE HOW MANY HUSBANDS WERE ON THAT SHIP

OR WHERE THEY BE GETTIN' THEIR BOTTLES FROM

THIS ONE JUST SAYS "WE DEAD LOL"

IF ONLY MATT COULD DOGGIE PADDLE

BUT IMMA BE PATIENT

IMMA JUST STAND HERE IN A POWER SUIT WAIST DEEP IN THE SEA WHILE HOLDING AN UMBRELLA

ELLA ELLA ELLA

CAN'T GET THE DOME WET

JUST GOT THE HERRRR DID

GOTTA LOOK GOOD FOR THE DUDES YA KNOW?

CAN'T WAIT AROUND FOREVER

BUT IMMA BE PATIENT

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re:Best Selling High Quality eGo-C Twist CE4 from Kapopo , ego c twis t 900ma h,ego c twist 6 50best pl ace to buy ego t wist

This is a good subject. It is nice.

Dear Friend,

I have no friends.

Good day

Is it, friend? Is it? With so much strife in the worl-

I am very glad to know you from your professional website,

You must be talking about glendalestar.com, the very professional website I manage but also a place to learn a lot about me, personally, like that time I Council hears updates on Loop 303 improvements or how I always Property taxes go up 2 percent. I put myself out there, I guess.

you are the leading company of e cigarette products.

We are? Just kidding. We are. Our motto is: The Glendale Star: Glendale's community weekly since 1978 - news best enjoyed while inhaling an e cigarette (which we also manufacture)

I also notice that you pay much attention to lower your cost for quality e cig.

Weekly editorial meeting

Editor: And Mike, please make that correction online because that item is not included in the city's budget.

Me: Got it.

Publisher: Now, I need to make a point here. How much attention are we paying to lowering our cost for purchasing quality e cigarettes?

Me: I'll take this one. Boss, let me answer that truthfully, because I know it's been a point of contention among everyone in this room for the past few months. We are paying zero attention to lowering the cost for purchasing quality e cigarettes. But that is only because we do not purchase e cigarettes. We are a weekly newspaper.

Publisher: Is there anyone that can be of help?

That is where I can be of help.

Me: I think I know someone who can be of help. Let's just say it's a good friend.

When you next consider your arrangements for e cigarette products, I would welcome the opportunity to understand your requirements and situation.

Here are our requirements and situation, for your understanding. I wasn't exactly sure what you meant by situation, so I played it safe.

Requirements: zero e cigs 

Situation: not an e cig manufacturer 

Situation:



I will send you more detailed information regarding this product in another email.

Please don't.

Best regards

Martina


Martina, may I have your address so I can mail out my e cig requirements?

Address:9F,No.4 Houdishan,Xinsha Road,Bao'an District,Shenzhen,Guangdong,China

(writes out letter expressing love for low cost e cigs, mails to:)

Martina
9F
No. 4
Houdishan
Xinsha Road
Bao'an District
Shenzhen
Guangdong
China

(letter returned to sender eight weeks later with note that reads "Xinsha DRIVE")

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Frozen out by ‘Frozen,’ dang Disney



I’ve mentioned before our family’s distaste for Disney, but allow me to briefly elaborate.

Specific to the realm of raising two impressionable young girls, we—when I say “we” in this regard, people may assume that I mean “my wife,” and while she does spearhead this line of thinking, I honestly couldn’t agree more—feel that Disney, generally, too heavily markets the princess aesthetic to girls. Realizing the fantasy life is omnipresent during childhood, we’d prefer our girls be less influenced by a non-working, male-reliant position within a fundamentally un-American monarchy whose “job” is to, essentially, look pretty, than, say, virtually anyone or anything else (sans Katy Perry, of course). I mean, even Dora explores and is bilingual.

However, over the course of the past year or so, our stance on Disney has ever so slightly—gasp—softened. This is a result of equal parts our sheer inability to escape its wide-reaching entertainment net and, more specifically, Frozen. Though it touts not one but two princesses, its overriding theme is the love between sisters. That combined with its lack of bare midriffs and the color pink made it more palatable.

As if we had a choice anyway. Our girls are two of millions upon millions obsessed with the film. So, when my wife saw a post on Pinterest marketing the fact that, if your child writes a letter to a specific Disney character, Disney will send your child back a signed photo from that character, she jumped at the chance.

The timing was perfect. Our oldest, enamored with Elsa, is forever eager to practice her writing, and that very week at school she was learning how to write letters. My wife sat down with her and helped her pen a letter to her favorite ice queen:

“Dear Elsa, I love you. How is your ice castle? Please say hi to Anna and Olaf. (sporadic pictures of Elsa, hearts, and, I don’t know what that is … a shark?)

It’s entirely possible that, without compromising our ideals, our stance on Disney could have softened to mush had we received what was promised. No doubt my wife and I were more excited than our daughter to hear back; our daughters’ joys are our joys times two, and besides – they cannot see their own faces.

Welp, last week we received something back. It was a postcard featuring every Disney princess ever—the gentrified African-American and Middle-Eastern princesses stand out like a sore thumb amidst the sea of Caucasianness, as if Disney were unwittingly bound by Affirmative Princess Action (recall this is the same company that introduced this character as "Latina")—sans, of course, for Anna and Elsa, on the front. On the back is the well-thought out note, “May all your dreams come true,” signed by “Cinderella and my royal friends.”

Thanks for the meaningless cliché, Cinderella, but our DREAM WAS TO HEAR FROM ELSA, YOU WITCH. NO WONDER YOUR SISTERS HATED YOU.

We haven’t even told our daughter yet that anything has arrived in the mail for her because we’re not sure what to say. “Honey, I’m sorry, but the multi-kajillion-dollar corporation you wrote to couldn’t afford to mail you back a generic 4X6 photo with a stamped signature. But remember Cinderella? That movie we won’t let you watch because of its misguided ideals and because Cinderella is the worst? She sends vague well wishes.”

She will cry, but I will promise her that she can and should help forcefully release Disney’s chokehold on capitalist America by one day running for princess oops I mean senator.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, we’re back to despising Disney WITH MORE FERVOR THAN EVER. Won’t you join us? It is fun.

                                                  BELIEVE IN THE STARS
 
Note: This column appears in the 7/24 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/25 issue of the Peoria Times.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Wine Order Needed

OK, that is nice. This is a newspaper.

My name is James Adam i WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE THESE Products IN STOCK OR YOU CAN ORDER THEM FOR ME.

Hello James. My name is Mike Kenny and WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME only I can use ALL CAPS SO EASE UP, SON.

Also, I am hoping the products you are looking for are newspapers because this is a newspaper.

1. Louis Roederer Cristal 2005/06, 12  bottles 2. Dom Perignon Vintage 2004, 12  bottles

Unfortunately, because this is a newspaper, we don't carry expensive champagne. We produce newspapers because we are, again, a newspaper. However, I guess I could order these for you? I mean, I have no problem ordering champagne for you, but I feel like I should mention - and I'm not saying this to be a dick; I just want to make sure you're aware of this fact - that another person who could order this champagne for you is: you.

Again, not trying to be a dick. I just feel like all the effort you've put into emailing entities like newspapers to question whether or not they can fulfill your champagne order would be better directed toward logging onto like, I don't know, a champagne website that could definitely fulfill your champagne order because they have champagne.

Forget it, I will order the champagne.

I want you to give me the total cost for everything it will be picking up in your store

Were that a sentence, I would respond thusly: The cost is $700,000. (Don't blame me, James Adam - your taste in champagne is Biggie-esque, and such excess comes at a price, both figurative and, in this case, literal.) I would humbly recommend starting with a lower end champagne since, judging by your subject header, I am skeptical you know the difference between traditional wine and sparkling champagne and run the risk of spitting out in horror your $700K investment. Most champagne is nonreturnable, including the champagne I just ordered for you, so forget what I just said.

ANYWAY, the store you will want to look for is our newspaper store. I will wrap the champagne in newspapers for its safety. (I will not, actually, because I will get in trouble.)

so that i will give you my Credit Card information for the prepayment prior to ordering.

Are you trying to reverse spam me, James Adam? Please don't try these tactics on me - been in this game for a minute.

You can email me the total quotation for everything with tax and how   soon can u have them  ready  .

Is this your first time using a keyboard? Here's a tip: press the "Print Screen/SysRq" to take a screenshot of your lunacy.

i will be expecting your response as soon as possible.Thanks

Don't put ASAPs in my mouth, James Adam. I work at my own pace. Also, you're welcome. The wine is ready. It is champagne and I drank most of it during a recent stay at the VIP section of a hot local club called "the bathroom of our newspaper store." You still owe me though.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Glendale Glitter and Glow block party rocks downtown Glendale ... 2014-06-13 3:29:35

So this initially didn't strike me as SO odd because the Glendale Glitter and Glow block party is an actual thing, something we cover and an event posted in print and online. But it was still kind of odd because the Glendale Glitter and Glow block party happens just after Christmas, and also:

From: ALan

Listen, I know to a lot of you something seemingly subtle like the first two letters of a name being capitalized can be perceived as an honest mistake, but let me tell you - as someone who's been in the spam game for a hot minute, that kind of stuff is crazeballs. Not to mention:

[alan@alan888.9299.org]

This is the most terrible email address. I hate this email address. It is offensive. I am offended.

Dear sir or madam,

Here we go.

How are you?

Ugh. Fine. I am fine, ALan. What do you want?

This is Alan from Ningbo Prolin, China.

ALan from China is emailing me about Glendale Glitter and Glow, got it.

which is professional Bar&Home ware manufacturer and supplier,barware, wine cooling... especially ice bucket,

Welcome to Ningbo Prolin! Please feel free to browse our fantastic display of barware and homeware, and PLEASE - form a single-file line near the ice buckets. We realize most of you are here to browse the ice buckets, and we only ask that you respect one another while doing so. We have plenty of ice buckets to go aroun- ... hold on, I am being told that several of our most popular ice bucket models are on backorder. EVERYONE PLEASE, MAINTAIN ORDER WHILE I CALL FOR BACKUP.

I'd like to recommend two hot-selling cup to you.

If I had a nickel.

This is classic ALan - reel you in by mentioning a Christmas show specific to your locale, and then close the deal by selling you the two hottest cup(s).

1.induction cup

  capacity:301ml-400ml

  material:plastic

  description:the cup will change color when you pouring the liquid.


Pfft, ALan, seriously, cups cannot change color while "you pouring the liquid." What is this, the future? I mean-




PUT ME DOWN FOR 30 INDUCTION CUPS.

2.size:12*5.5cm

  capacity:301ml-400ml

  description:the shape is unique


The description of this cup is: the shape is unique. I realize you just read that, but I feel compelled to remind you. Let us see if this description is accurate:




What is ... what? This cup looks like a science experiment and/or a headless rodent, but it definitely does not look like something I want to drink out of.

J/k I would definitely drink out of this:

Waiter: Which brings us to our finest red, an '86 Tuscan merlot, which is $229 per bottle; $38 per glass. Care to try?

Me: TOTES PUT ME DOWN FOR THE WHOLE SHEBANG.

Waiter: Lovely. (pulls out glass)

Me: HOLD UP THERE, CHIEF. GOT A BYOG SITUATION - BRING YOUR OWN GLASS. POUR MINE IN THIS BABY, IT'S FROM CHINA.

Waiter: Ummm, I just-

Me: IMMA DRINK IT OUTTA THE TAIL LOL.

We do hope there is a chance for us to cooperate with each other in the near future.

If a weird cup manufacturer from China can't cooperate with a newspaper publications manager in Glendale, Arizona, then I'm sorry, but I've lost my faith in mankind.

Any questions,let me know.

I have nothing but.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Poor pity, pondering pool problems, private probe

Growing up, our neighbors across the street had a pool. More important than this, they had a sign on the deck of the pool that read “Please don’t pee in our pool; we don’t swim in your toilet.” At the time, this was the absolute zenith of comedic commentary for me. A party at our neighbors’ house meant not only that we could swim, but also that I could stare at that sign and, in my head, break it down to bits until all the humor was lost, which was, of course, impossible. Swim in the toilet! Can you even imagine?

I still think about that sign* today, for several reasons. For one, the first time I laid eyes on it, my dream in life instantly became to grow into an adult, get married, have a family, and buy a house with a pool, all as mere means to my true end of posting that sign, claiming it as my own, and basking in the revels of its comedic glory. Where did you get that sign? Is there no end to your brash hilariousness? A toast to Mike!

Also, since I haven’t yet realized my ultimate dream, and our family is faced with the indignity of using our community pool (#firstworldproblems), I often wonder if we are, in fact, swimming in a toilet.

I was talked out of having a pool when we first moved here. You have a community pool for which you pay HOA fees, they said. Plus don’t forget about all the maintenance of a private pool, they told me. And the cost, they said. Besides, it’s not THAT hot, and you won’t use it as often as you think, no one said.

The problem, however, with the community pool is the community. Apparently, selfish people like to take up the entire pool to swim laps (pfft) or conduct “swim team practice.” Two years ago, some neighborhood kids thought it would be funny to throw a bunch of donkey feces (our community pool is surrounded by wild burro because, of course it is) into the pool, which—let’s be honest—was pretty darn funny, if I lived in a different neighborhood. The association had to drain the entire pool and we couldn’t use it for two weeks. CLOSED FOR DONKEY POOP REPAIRS. COME BACK IN TWO WEEKS.

(The hotel pool, a close cousin of the community pool, presents similar issues. While on vacation a few weeks ago, a sign posted at our hotel’s pool warned that anyone with “active diarrhea within the previous 14 days shall not be allowed to enter the pool water.” That kind of peace of mind is not something every hotel pool offers, but we don’t stay at just any hotel. Only the fancy ones.)

Oh, and just getting to the pool is a hassle. The ratio of pool prep/commute to actual pool time is at least 2-to-1. Also, for whatever reason I am some kind of child magnet, and it never fails that, while trying to watch a 3- and 4-year-old in a pool, I will be awkwardly approached by children who aren’t mine and who say things like, “I CAN HOLD MY BREATH FOR THREE MINUTES, WATCH” and “MY DOG AT HOME HAS A DOG TOY.” (There is no doubt they are peeing as they say these things.)

My point is, I would love a pool. In my backyard. I’m trying to convince my wife that it’s an awesome idea to have bulldozers tear down everything in our yard plus our neighbor’s block wall at a cost of $30K we definitely don’t have. I’ll let you know how it goes.

It failed. Alas, I remain deprived of my life’s dream, relegated to being Clark Griswold, staring out the window at what could be. For now. Someday we will have a pool, and I’ll finally be able to hang up a hilarious sign that my wife will immediately take down because it’s “tacky.” Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s been 14 days and thus ... (puts on one-sided banana hammock) ... it’s time to swim.


*A similar pool sign of my youth read, “Welcome to our ool. Notice how there’s no ‘p’ in it. Let’s keep it that way.” Had I saw this sign first, my feelings might be different, but as it stands this sign is obviously the lesser. Too wordy. And yes, my entire humor background is strictly based in pool signs banishing urine.

UPDATE: I discovered after writing this that The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo himself had the "Welcome to our ool" sign posted at his above-ground ool in Brooklyn because: OF COURSE HE DID. So that one is now my favorite. Thank you.

Note: This column appears in the 7/17 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/18 issue of the Peoria Times.