Thursday, May 21, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: RE:dark grey

There's only one lady I know who sends emails with such eloquent, informative subject headers ...

From: Connie-9 []


Nice day to you my dear friend,

It is so good to hear from you again, Connie! Indeed we are dear friends. This what dear friends do - talk about slabs over email.

How are you?:)

I am good, thanks! Well, to be honest, I guess I could be doing a little bit better. Spring is here and I am all out of slabs :(

Spring is coming, many project is started again,

As they say.

and clients also start concentrating on purchasing or plans for market demand again,

Ahhh, spring. The weather warms up, birds are chirping, butterflies flutter by, the smell of fresh flowers fills the air, and clients start concentrating on purchasing or plans for market demand again. So it goes during CAPITALIST SPRING.

inquiries from them also increase obviously.


So i wonder if you also need    related information.

Yes, I need information related to spring and market demand and also inquiries. Not exactly those things because I already have those things, but something related. Something like, oh I don't know ... a G654?

Anyway here I'd like to share some basic information of G654 for you firstly,


In case there will be more questions, just email me freely,

I anticipate having questions.

My first question is who is taking your slab pics? Is this a picture of a picture of G654 slabs? This is just my opinion - as a dear friend, I feel obliged to tell it like it is - but if you're going to promote G654 top polished big slabs, invest in a slab photographer. It's easy! "WANTED: #slabphotog" Boom.

Hey slab guys - working hard or hardly working? LOL, j/k slab guys - you keep doing your thing. I am curious as to where you think I live that I'd have a staircase made out of these giant G654 slabs, but I can't argue the quality.

Connie, before I order, can you send some info regarding the safety conditions of your manufacturing plants? I feel like floppy 90s-style hats are maybe not the best protection against falling slabs. I know, but hey - I'm a union guy. Thanks.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

How Sex Works, part II

For part I of our ongoing series of “How Sex Works,” click here. Or, you know, don’t. 

We’ve reached the biology part of “How Sex Works”—HOORAY—so everyone strap on your science helmets.

This two-page layout is themed “A girl at puberty” and includes this helpful chart, titled “Differences in growth.” This chart proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that, yes—sometimes humans, even female humans, are different shapes and sizes. Not every human is the same exact height and weight. Seems like the orthodox laws of puberty just got a kick in the ol’ groin. Plus 1

It’s understandable, then, that these particular girls chose to have their faces shadowed out. No one wants to be ostracized by the science community for participating in a study that debunks the traditional thinking that every human is the same person. Also, no one wants to be ostracized by their own group of friends for appearing in a book called “How Sex Works” while wearing a flesh-colored bathing suit.

Hold up though, everyone—my girl Sally has a question:

My breasts are small, but my friend says I still ought to wear a bra, or the muscles will get weak. Do I have to?

Dammit Sally. Your friend is either a complete moron or tricked you into embarrassing yourself in front of everyone single person who has ever read this book (a.k.a. me). I recommend you put down the bra and get some new friends who don’t think going bra-less causes your calf muscles to atrophy. Let’s see what Liz and/or Dick have to say:

Breasts have no muscles. 

Thank you. So what have we learned so far?

  • Not every person is the same exact size. 
  • Breasts are not muscles. 

I can feel my puberty knowledge blossoming already! Plus 2 

Now,  if you thought morphing into a breast-muscle missle machine was tough, try turning into a man! There are a lot of questions.

My friends have started laughing about me and saying that I smell. What can I do? William, 14 years

Have you tried not smelling bad, William? I feel like that might be something you can do. 

Unlike Sally, William’s friends are actually doing him a favor. You cannot call yourself a friend if your friend stinks and you’re not like, “Dude, you stink.” (h/t Winston Churchill) I’m not sure how it reached the point that William posed this question to a teenage sex book before discovering the wonders of deodorant more organically, but whatevs. Let’s see what Liz and Dick have to offer:

Many things about your body change as you grow up. One of these is that you start to sweat more and your sweat has a different smell. A bath or shower every day is the best safeguard against odor. Wear clean clothes and socks whenever possible. Use deodorant or an antiperspirant; you can buy these in supermarkets and drugstores.

There is a lot of #science in that answer, and it’s kinda presumptuous on Liz and Dick’s part that clean socks are readily available—uh, we’re middle class over here, not British royalty, sheesh. Still, knowing where to buy deodorant is helpful for the super smelly tween like William who has no parents, teachers, or other life resources to guide him on the most basic of rules of hygiene. And I should know—I spent three embarrassing months looking for deodorant at various Orange Julius locations until a friendly stranger with a van brought me to a drugstore. Plus 1

What should I do about the fluffy hair on my face? Ben, 15 years

The first thing you should do is stop describing the hair on your face as “fluffy.” Seriously, wtf. Are you a Persian cat? Get a grip on yourself, Ben.

The rest is up to you. You can let the fluffy hair grow wild until you have a weird-ass fluffy as hell adolescent fluff-beard, or you can shave it off with a razor, like, for example, Gillette’s new Fluff-Off Xtreme series of blades. Again, this is a great question for a teenage sex book and not like, your dad. A book taught me how to shave, too. (posts picture of an adolescent me standing at the bathroom sink trying to shave while an open book rests on the counter and my mom stands in the background looking on proudly) Minus 2

My breasts  have started to swell , and they are quite sore under the nipples. Am I going to change into a girl? Adam, 15 years

Holy s***, Adam. YES.



This happens in quite a few boys of your age and is nothing to worry about.

Really? I honestly never knew this, but OK—if you say so, weird, outdated sex book. It’s definitely nothing to worry about if you’re a boy and you start growing boobs, which as we all know are just muscles. Plus 1

Thursday, May 14, 2015

How Sex Works

Was given a book the other day for reasons that I trust are ironic. The copyright is 1994 but I think the book is just as relevant today. I want to take an absurd amount of time seeing if I’m right, so I guess this will be a new blog feature? Sure, why not.

Judging by the cover, how sex works is that you’re a grease monkey teenager and you try to give your sleeveless turtleneck-wearing girlfriend a shoulder massage but she’s all like, “Chill. Let’s hold hands.” That is EXACTLY what sex is like for a teenager: no sex. And that’s OK because you are 14 and maybe you shouldn’t be having sex right about now. So far this book nails it. Plus 1

The subtitle of this book is, “A clear, comprehensive guide for teenagers to emotional, physical, and sexual maturity.” This is inherently a false promise. There is no sexual maturity for a teenager because a teenager is a teenager. To wit, I am 37 years old and I think a book called “How Sex Works” is hilarious enough to spend inordinate amounts of time writing about it for a blog. You can imagine how many penises teenage me would have drawn all over this thing. Minus 1

This book was written by Elizabeth Fenwick (vagina parts) and Richard Walker (penis parts). I bet they’re having sex. Plus 1 

Granted, I don’t know a lot about sex—my daughters are adopted—but I’m pretty sure that is not how sex works. That is riding a bike. UNSAFELY I might add. No helmets, and I have no idea what that other boy is sitting on. Wait … that’s a girl? I don’t know. Freakin' 90s, man. Minus 1

Then again, I suppose it’s possible the bike ride has nothing to do with sex, and Liz and Dick are just easing us into this discussion via adolescent stock photos. That’s cool I guess. Plus 1 

Speaking of photos, now seems as good a time as any to mention that I will not be analyzing this book by its actual words, which potentially make sense and are based on some scientific and emotional studies. That is no fun and I don’t think sex-crazed teenagers read anyway. We're going only by pictures. Sorry/not sorry.

Top left: Pretty sure that is the most 90s hair/sideburns combination I have ever seen in a teenage sex book. Plus 1 It also appears the Heimlich maneuver worked. GOOD JOB, JOEL. Plus 1 Unfortunately, I cannot tell where the pattern on her skirt and the one on his terrible shirt begins and ends, and it’s disorienting. Minus 1 Top right: “We’re going to use your otherwise innocuous headshot for a sex book to insinuate you’re happy with your sex life.” “OK.” Minus 1 Bottom: “Mom, have you seen my pressed purple button-down? I wanted to go lie in a wheat field and read a sex book I mean ‘Catcher in the Rye’ cause I’ll be in the rye, get it?” “DAMMIT CALVIN I TOLD YOU TO IRON YOUR OWN CLOTHES I’M NOT YOUR MAID.” Plus 1

Until next time.

And stay safe out there. Wear a helmet.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Spam email of the week

Do you know a doctor who is good at being a doctor but bad at having pens? Well have I got the email for you!

Subject: Promotional Pens for Doctors - Offer #7117


Here are my questions/comments:

  • Does a "pcs" = a pen?
  • If so, $75 seems like a lot for 300 pens, even on a doctor's salary. I would probably pay $7 for 300 pens. Or, better yet, zero dollars for zero pens.
  • Then again, I am not a doctor. Just a writer.
  • Are the non-customized pens blank or do they read "Your Message Here?" If the latter, I would like to order three non-customized pens because I think that's sort of funny, maybe, it's not, forget it, I don't want any pens.
  • If choosing my pen colors becomes burdensome, is it possible for you to surprise the sh*t out of me by choosing the colors yourself? I realize that is risky but YOLO.

Give your customers a gift to remember your business

Are promotional pens really an effective means of medical advertising?

Man: (writing grocery list, stops to look at pen) You know, I should really have my spleen removed.

OK I guess they are.

Orders are shipped in 3 business days with FREE SETUP & FREE SHIPPING

I can't believe there isn't an exorbitant setup fee to imprint a message onto these plastic pens. And I feel bad for the delivery guy who has to carry 300 pens all by himself without even getting paid for it, but hey - not my problem. This is a great deal, and too good to pass up. I guess I will become a doctor after all.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Fw:Necklace wholesale 2015 latest design crystal necklace jewelry

This seems relevant to our newspaper. Let me check it out.


Dear ... somebody whatever doesn't matter just buy the necklaces dammit,

Good day.
(Quality is our culture)

Following a weak salutation with what appears to be a motto, inexplicable in parenthesis, indicates that quality is certainly not your culture when it comes to emails. But who I am kidding - I need some m______ f______ necklaces. What's up?

This is Vickie from Aicharme Jewelry Co., Ltd, professional supplier from Austrian Crystal Jewelry for Europe and U.S. market for more than 8 years.

Hi, Vickie! We have been with our respective employers for almost the same amount of time. TWINSIES.

We own 2 factories and thousands of Austrian Crystal Jewelry designs, whatever you are looking for, you can find it in our factory.

I need mailing labels for our newspapers. Also: mad necklaces.

"We believe our products will give you an edge over your competitors."

This is in quotes (and red font, fwiw) as if it's a first-person testimonial that was provided by someone other than Vickie. Also, who are my necklace competitors? 2 Chainz?

Please check attached new designs. Hope you like any of them and hope we can have chance to serve you in the near future.

I am looking at these words but don't see any necklaces. Where does the good business start?


Thank you.

This is OK but my wife thinks heart jewelry is mad cheesey, son (her words). No offense, Vickie.

That is a beautiful necklace. I will take ... (counts amount of wives I have on my fingers) ... one. Also, some mailing labels.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re: Cost of percutaneous Nephrolithtomy

This is a rhetorical subject, as everyone knows the cost of percutaneous nephrolithomy is your very soul. Also: around $6,000.

From: Okey Ukachukwu

Not in my contacts for some reason.

Dear Sir,

Compliments of the season.I was diagnosed as having kidney stone that require surgery as the stone is quite big

This is you, in April: "Merry Christmas. I have a giant stone to pass through my penis."

1cm " in the right kidney. I have attached a copy of the ivu report.

(reviews IVU report) Yep, that's a kidney stone alright. But what the hell are those things? (points to ribcage with Twizzler I am eating) There's like a dozen of 'em. Pretty sure you might die.

My doctor has advised I do percutaneousnephrolithtomy

I see the kidney stones are already causing slurred speech. This is ... (long yawn) ... extremely urgent.

 and I will like to know the cost.

Here are the top four ways to respond when your doctor recommends percutaneous nephrolithotomy but you don't know the cost:

1) Ask your doctor who is standing right there
2) Call your insurance company
3) Google/WebMD for a ballpark figure
4) Email the publications manager at two weekly newspapers

I listed those in reverse order of optimal convenience.

I will also like to know how long it will take me to recover fully and resume  normal activities.

About as long as it will take me to recover from this email, so: never.

(one hour and two minutes later)

Dear Sir,


One greeting. Pathetic considering all I have done for your kidney stone.

As per doctor opinion you required advance Shock Wave Therapy which is available at our headquarter hospital in India.

Yes, as per our last conversation, regarding my professional medical opinion, I recommended shock wave therapy to get your kidney stone through your penis faster, and also said you could probably find a decent shock wave therapy machine (???) at a hospital in India. These are things I said within the hour between these two rational emails.

This procedure doesn't required any surgery and can be cure by this therapy.

Thanks, captain Okey obvious. I would have recommended shock wave surgery if I wanted you to have surgery, duh.

As the opinion and estimate will come accordingly i''ll inform you

Please do. I must keep abreast of how quickly your kidney stone passes through your penis and also how much it will cost. I didn't not become a doctor to NOT keep tabs on Okey Ukachukwu.

Relationship Manager

a.k.a. Rajdeep. Makes sense. By the way, I bet you are a great relationship manager. You probably say to your boo, "We need to talk ... " and then email the publications manager at two weekly newspapers to find out how to cure erectile dysfunction. (Shock Wave Boner Stimulator 3000, fwiw.)

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

It was for the better, it was a wall of good

The following column appears in the 4/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/1 issue of the Peoria Times, and, in the context of those publications, it is also my last. I have accepted a new position as a writer elsewhere, in a much different capacity, because YOLO. How this affects the personal writing in general and this blog specifically remains to be seen, but this is a very positive development for me and I am excited so please don't kill my vibe. I mean, I love you.

When you really think about, which I do often, there is no reason I should write the things I do in this newspaper. It wasn’t long ago I wrote an entire column about how I have belly button lint—using a different hygienic issue, armpit stains, as a wonderful lead-in. Taken out of context, that makes no sense. Taken in context, that makes no sense. WHAT IS THIS? is a question I couldn’t blame you in the least for asking.

My answer: I don’t know. I never really did, I guess. I tried to keep it local at first, but there are only so many topics you can poke at with a stick, and it became a chore. So I started writing about my life, about silly things, about my girls and adoption, about underwear that has a pouch for your testicles, about folding sheets, about hating scorpions and losing my sunglasses, about my family … mostly about my father-in-law. My publisher and editor never told me to stop, so I didn’t.

Thanks to that patience and your unusual interest—or, possibly, indifference—I found the voice I had always sought. I aimed for humor, of course, but that is subjective and laughter is but a small miracle from above, out of my hands. While I can’t say for sure what seemed to connect, I suspect it was that opening up my life helped you realize you’re not the crazy one—we are. My daughters are your kids; my father-in-law is your father-in-law; my underwear is your underwear, although not literally because that is gross and also you are a woman and don’t need a pouch.

The writing I enjoyed the most growing up and to this day was honest and personal, and that is what I tried to do, for better or worse. SPOILER ALERT: It was for the better, for me at least. Your support gave me the confidence to write books, and your physical presence gave me the great pleasure of signing one for you, an indescribable feeling of self-satisfaction and pure, unadulterated joy.

As I move on to new ventures in life, I want to say thank you for reading this column. What it has meant to me to be able to do this is beyond words, and I am a writer, so there.

I had a bulletin board in my office here where I tacked on all the kind things you ever wrote to me. It was as full as my heart is now, and I called it the “Wall of Good.” (It includes a hand-written letter from Nancy urging me, on the heels of a column I wrote about my, ummm, digestive issues, to eat almonds to stop the “fire in the belly.” Man, you guys are THE BEST.) Below it was the “Wall of Bad.” It contained only two notes, one criticizing the column for being self-indulgent—it totally was—and the other one simply read, “stop Kenny articles.” Today, good sir, I tell you—you got your wish.

Thank you all for granting me mine.