Friday, February 24, 2017

MSN quick links of the week

ME, EARLIER: I WONDER WHAT BABY NAMES ROCKED THE 1950s


ME, NOW: NICE

THINGS THAT ROCKED THE 1950s: MUSIC, THE COLD WAR, BABY NAMES

KNOW YOUR HISTORY, FAM



OH THAT'S GOOD

THAT WAS DEF WORTH A STUDY

"WEARING A PURPLE SHIRT WON'T GIVE YOU AIDS, STUDY SAYS" - FOX NEWS



EWWW




LEBRON JAMES IS AN NBA ALPHA DOG?

TOUGH SELL

I WON'T CLICK ON LINKS THAT ARE CONTRARIAN FOR CONTRARIAN'S SAKE



LISTEN I LOGGED ON TO THE INTERNET TODAY FOR TWO REASONS:

-FIND OUT IF THIS "LEBRON JAMES" GUY IS AN ALPHA DOG
-SEE IF I SHOULD I VISIT MY GYNECOLOGIST DURING MY PERIOD

AND I'M ALL OUT OF LEBRON JAMES QUESTIONS



OH NO NOT AGAIN

Monday, February 20, 2017

Spam email of the week

Hello everyone. As you might have guessed, if you’ve given it any thought at all, which you definitely haven’t, the spam emails I post for this SEOTW feature are not always sent to me directly; they are often forwarded to me from friendly, astute readers of this blog. One of those readers, troy, is a sender of such spam emails, as well as a frequent commenter, and, dare I say, a friend? Basically, troy is one of the few people who actually reads this blog consistently, for some reason. (HI TROY!) He forwarded me the below spam email, and we had a back-and-forth exchange. I thought it best, and easiest, because I am lazy and also we used up all the jokes, for the exchange itself to serve as the iteration of this SEOTW.

---

From: Financial Help <"info.4@arianhacker.com>?>">
Sent: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 12:55 PM
To: [troy]

Subject: Genidnewwalikabali, do you have cash needs that require up to $2,500?


























troy
: Hmm. Who? Who do I know who might enjoy this? Must be someone ...

Mike: That someone is me, Genidnewwalikabali.

troy: Coming this summer … From the maker of Bad Idea Jeans …

IN A WORLD ... Where people send you emails telling you that you should apply for a loan with them ... With little disclaimers down the bottom noting that they don't actually make or arrange loans ... And where other people are dumb enough to click anyway ...

BAD.

CREDIT.

LOANS.

Because when you're looking for a lender, you definitely want one with 'bad' right in the name.

Mike: “I can't believe I was misled by BAD Credit Loans!” is something that I, Genidnewwalikabali, will definitely not say at some point.

I do appreciate the very relevant question, “Set for Summer?” I, Genidnewwalikabali, must say no, I am not, for the following reasons:

1) It is February.

2) I have cash needs that require up to $2,500.

3) My terrible credit score knows no season.

4) My name is Genidnewwalikabali, and as you might have guessed I am an immigrant. From another galaxy. In this political climate, I will be lucky to make it through winter without being deported.

troy: "In another galaxy, spam Genidnewwalikabalis YOU!"

(Hold on, just going through my '80s pop culture reference checklist for this spam. Hmm ... reference to Kevin Nealon sketch that I think was obliquely alluding to the Gary Hart scandal ... CHECK. Easy Yakov Smirnoff joke ... CHECK. I do it for the kids, Mike. The kids; they can't get enough '80s pop culture references.)

You, Genidnewwalikabali, and your habit of saying your name every time you are talking about yourself have convinced me that I should change my name to Genidnewwalikabali and only speak of myself in the third person. I would go out to dinner with my friends and tell long, winding stories about myself (Genidnewwalikabali) that would double in length because I kept replacing one syllable with eight until I ran out of breath, because my friends were strangling me. But obviously I wanted to get your approval first.

Please make sure to wake me up when it's time to talk about Arian Hacker.

Mike: I do feel like I’ve hijacked being Genidnewwalikabali when this email was actually sent to you. Really, do you want to be Genidnewwalikabali? It’s kind of too late for that, tbh, but I want to be fair. I mean, the only rational explanation is that you used the alias Genidnewwalikabali at a trade show for whatever your job is after being solicited by a vendor secretly working for BAD Credit Loans, but also for some reason gave them your actual email address. So you should own this.

Eh, you’re right-- I should be Genidnewwalikabali.

Not to ignore your ‘80s references-- I think we’re all tempted, every now and then, to go to the well of easy Yakov Smirnoff jokes-- but I had another thought. What if “Summer” is the name of the woman in this ad, which is not so subtly suggesting that a $2,500 loan is available for me to propose marriage and/or pursue physical relations? That’s weird, right? But weirder than asking if I’m set for the season of summer on February 15th? I don’t know. It’s possible I’m overthinking this.

troy: NO NO NO NO NO. Now listen right here, Genidnewwalikabali -- if in fact that is your real name -- 'Summer' is one name/entity too many, especially when I lost the thread of what's going on here three Summers ago. We've got an email from Bad Credit Loans except the header suggests that it's actually from someone named Hacker, which is about as good a name for a spammer as Bad Credit Loans itself is. Bad Credit Loans does not make loans or broker loans or, apparently, even send the emails, so already I'm wondering what exactly it is they do. We're being told we were sent this by Sphere Digital, except *they're* not in the header either, and also it says right under that to contact Healthcare Limited to unsubscribe. What does Healthcare Limited have to do with bad (credit) loans? Or with brakecard.com? We don't know, because brakecard.com isn't a working website. I got no friggin' clue WHAT tf is going on AND NOW YOU WANT TO MAKE SUMMER A PERSON?

Although they do capitalize it. Twice.

Oh my God. Oh. My. Ever. Lovin'. God. Dude. Guy. Dudeguy. Buddy. What if we've got this all wrong? What if Genidnewwalikabali isn't you OR me OR EVEN A PERSON AT ALL. What if it's Hindi or Tamil or Urdu and means something like 'Summer is coming' or 'Hey, homeless people' or 'D'you need a new wallet buddy?' or 'An expensive prostitute is headed your way in a dress that the Internet will never agree on whether it is some weird new shade of blueish-green or just bog-standard white'?

Anyway, please ask Summer whether she has a sister.

Mike: Will do. And here I am worried that I was overthinking this. J/k, this is definitely a huge conspiracy facilitated by Trump to distract us from whatever is happening now.

But really though, I can’t get over the summer premise. Here is the ideal scenario this ad presents:

Me, Genidnewwalikabali: I am not set for summer, in large part because I do not have a $2,500 loan. (It is February 15th.)

BAD Credit Loans: “Get your money as soon as tomorrow.”

Me, Genidnewwalikabali: Now I am set for summer! (It is February 16th.)

I struggle to understand how someone with bad credit (who likely has bad credit, at least in some part, because he/she is not great at managing money) is more set for something that will happen four months from now, especially considering that they’re now undoubtedly strapped with a 78% interest rate. Between this and everything you’ve noted, it’s almost as if targeting someone named Genidnewwalikabali is the thing that makes the MOST sense about this email.

troy: I think I agree with you, but I forget: Which one of us is Genidnewwalikabali again?

Friday, February 17, 2017

MSN quick links of the week



CAN’T TALK NOW, NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT MOVIE MOST AROUSED MY NEWBORN BABY GENITALS



FINALLY I CAN SELECT THE PERFECT POST-TRAVEL OMELET

FOR YEARS I'VE BEEN ORDERING A WESTERN OMELET AFTER OUR ANNUAL WEEK-LONG STAY AT LAKE TAHOE

WASN'T CUTTING IT

I WOULD OFTEN HAVE TO CALL OUT AN EXTRA DAY OF WORK DUE TO TRAVEL *AND* OMELET FATIGUE

BUT NO MORE

"YES I WOULD LIKE YOUR FINEST CHICKEN OMELET LIGHTLY WARMED WITH A MINI HAIR DRYER"

"PREPARE TO RESET, BODY"


WOW I DID NOT REALIZE THAT

I MEAN NO SHIT YOU BIG GALOOF

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED AN OMELET



IF I WERE EDITOR OF PEOPLE, FOR MY OWN AMUSEMENT, I WOULD HAVE REMOVED "AFTER LATEST FLYING INCIDENT" FROM THIS HEADLINE

THAT SAID, I CAN'T BELIEVE HARRISON FORD HAS THE BALLS TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC USING AND PURSUING VARIOUS MODES OF TRANSPORTATION

HE SHOULD BE HOME REPENTING FOR GETTING IN A PLANE CRASH AND VOWING NEVER TO FLY AGAIN

AS SOMEONE WHO IS FULLY INVESTED IN HARRISON FORD'S PERSONAL HOBBIES, I AM DISAPPOINTED




I ALWAYS KNEW THERE WAS A CONNECTION

REMINDS ME OF THE TIME PAPA JOHN PAID HARRIET TUBMAN'S UTILITY BILLS




WHY WOULD WE EVEN DOUBT KELLY RIPA'S GUAC HACKS IN THE FIRST PLACE

WHO HAVE WE BECOME AS A SOCIETY

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Facebook meme of the week


HEART TOUCHING FUN

DON’T THINK I WOULD HAVE CONNECTED TO THIS MEME IF IT WERE JUST ANY OL’ ANGRY LIZARD

BUT THIS HIP LIZARD WITH THE SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP AND CIGARETTE REALLY DRIVE THE POINT HOME

THE POINT IS GO TO HELL

GRAMMAR RULE: WHEN TELLING SOMEONE TO GO TO HELL, USE ELLIPSES IN DESCENDING ORDER BY DOTS

ME: YES HI SO I DON’T LIKE SOMEONE AND I WANT TO BUY A MAP WITH HELL ON IT SO I CAN GO THERE

CASHIER: UH WE HAVE MAPS BUT NO HELL MAPS

ME: WHAT THE HELL

CASHIER: I’M NOT ONE TO GET ALL UP IN PERSONAL BUSINESS BUT WOULDN’T IT BE BETTER TO RESOLVE YOUR DIFFERENCES WITH THIS PERSON RATHER THAN VOLUNTARILY SUBJECT YOURSELF TO ETERNAL DAMNATION

ME: WELL IT’S NOT SO MUCH A PERSON AS IT IS A VERY ANGRY BUT HIP LIZARD

CASHIER: ….. …. …

WHAT DO THE PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY




THANK YOU SHELL ROUNDTREE

YOU ALWAYS COME CORRECT WITH THE EMOJIS



PRETTY SURE THAT’S IMPLIED BUT THANK YOU

YOU ARE GOOD AT ADDING TO MEMES WITH MORE DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS, BERYLK FELTS



IT’S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, DON’T POST PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SMOKING LIZARD MEMES ON FACEBOOK IF YOU’VE JOINED A CULT

IT *WILL* BACKFIRE



PERSON: IF YOU DON’T LIKE ME GO BUY A MAP GET A CAR AND GO TO HELL

ESSIE: FINE I WILL, BUT I DON’T NEED A CAR

PERSON: FINE

ESSIE: I’M GONNA WALK TO HELL

PERSON: OK YEAH WHATEVER

ESSIE: BUT I’M STILL GONNA NEED A MAP

PERSON: OK I DON’T CARE

ESSIE: BUT WITH THE MAP I’M GONNA WALK ON YOUR FACE

PERSON: WHAT

ESSIE: BOOM ROASTED

PERSON: NO, NO ONE IS ROASTED, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

ESSIE: UH I’M GONNA GET A MAP TO WALK ON YOUR FACE WITH, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT

PERSON: IT JUST DOESN’T MA-

ESSIE: BASICALLY I TURNED AROUND YOUR DISS AND MADE IT A MUCH BETTER DISS

PERSON: NO YOU DIDN'T, YOU RUINED EVERYTHING

ESSIE: I RUINED EVERYTHING ON YOUR FACE

PERSON: OH MY GOSH I AM LEAVING

ESSIE:

 


Tuesday, February 07, 2017

MSN quick links of the week


IS THIS AN ARBITRARY NUMBER OR IS IT JOE DIMAGGIO'S BIRTHDAY

ALSO ARE YOU SAYING LIFE COACHES WON'T TELL ME THESE SECRETS FOR FREE, LIKE I DON'T HAVE TO PAY THEM TO NOT TELL ME

ONE TIME I PAID A LIFE COACH $500 TO NOT TELL ME 56 SECRETS AND I FELT LIKE I GOT RIPPED OFF

OR ARE YOU SAYING LIFE COACHES WON'T TELL ME THE SECRETS UNLESS I PAY THEM BUT YOU WILL TELL ME THE SECRETS FOR FREE

EITHER WAY I AM NOT BITING

IF ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE NORMALIZING LIFE COACHES

OK FINE I WILL CLICK



WHAT




HOLD UP I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CONSUMING FOOD EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE?

ME: DOC PLEASE HELP, I AM EATING LITERALLY ALL THE TIME AND I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS GOOD OR BAD, WHAT DO THE NEW GUIDELINES SAY

DOC: (FLIPPING THROUGH NEW GUIDELINES) UHH TAKE SOME CARE

ME: WHAT

DOC: IT SAYS TAKE SOME CARE

ME: ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD STOP

DOC: YOU SHOULD TAKE SOME CARE

ME: WHAT KIND OF CARE

DOC: FOOD CARE? I DON'T KNOW, JUST TAKE SOME OKAY

ME: WHAT DID THE OLD GUIDELINES SAY

DOC: TO TAKE LUCK

ME: WHAT

DOC: LOL GET OUT



UM YES? NO?


MORE LIKE SEX WAYS (?)


FRIED CHICKEN NEWS IS TRENDING FOR DIFFERENT REASONS IN EVERY RESPECTIVE U.S. STATE?

HAVE A MOMENT, FRIED CHICKEN




THIS IMPLIES THAT WHAT I ALREADY KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT WHAT WENT ON BEHIND THE SCENES OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES MIGHT IN FACT BE FALSE

COLOR ME INTRIGUED

SO YEAH I CLICKED

TURNS OUT THEY MOSTLY TALKED ABOUT WHAT THE NEXT JEEP WRANGLER GRILLE WOULD LOOK LIKE

AND A FEW OF THEM STRETCHED OUT THEIR FEBRUARY PAYCHECKS TOGETHER IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

Friday, February 03, 2017

Facebook meme of the week


MORE LIKE *ALL* OF THE PROBLEM

WHAT A SIMPLER TIME, WHEN SNAPPIN’ GREEN BEANS WITH GRAM-GRAM MADE ALL THE WORLD’S PROBLEMS MELT AWAY

IF KIDS THESE DAYS SPENT MORE TIME SNAPPIN’ GREEN BEANS THAN SNAPPIN’ NECKS ON MORTAL KOMBAT WE WOULDN’T HAVE AIDS

“GRANDMA MY FRIEND BILLY SAYS RACISM IS BAD” (SNAPS GREEN BEAN)

“HMMM, BILLY YOU SAY? DARK-SKINNED FELLA WHO LIVES DOWN BY OL’ MAN SCOOTER’S INN?” (SNAPS GREEN BEAN)

“YEAH GRANDMA. I MEAN, HE’S NICE AND ALL BUT HE’S ALSO KIND OF ANGRY ABOUT STUFF, LIKE WHEN WE PLAY THE GAME ‘IGNORE BILLY AND WHISPER ABOUT HOW HE’S DIFFERENT” (SNAPS GREEN BEAN)

“WELL IT’S LIKE MY GRANDMA USED TO SAY TO ME WHEN WE WUZ SNAPPING THESE HERE GREEN BEANS AFTER THAT EYE-TALIAN FAMILY HAD JUST MOVED TO THE BLOCK– WHEN THE PIGEON FLIES DUE SOUTHWEST, YOU CAN EITHER WONDER WHERE HE GOIN’ OR GET TO MAKIN’ THE POT PIE” (SNAPS GREEN BEAN)

“OK YEAH I GUESS, I JUST … WHAT” (SNAPS GREEN BEAN)

“YOU’LL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU’RE OLDER AND HAVE A DEEPER WELL OF MISINFORMATION FROM WHICH TO DRAW FOLKSY NONSENSE” (TAKES SHOT OF VODKA)

“OH OK” (SNAPS GREEN BEAN)


(LOTS OF GREEN BEAN SNAPPIN’)


“GRANDMA” (SNAPS GREEN BEAN)

“YES DEAR” (SNAPS GREEN BEAN)

“WILL WE EVER HAVE A PRESIDENT FROM A BIG CITY WHO GREW UP RICH AND ENTITLED BUT WHO APPEALS TO OUR SMALL TOWN IDEALS IN THAT HE IS RACIST” (SNAPS GREEN BEAN)

“I SURE HOPE SO” (LEANS BACK IN ROCKING CHAIR) “I SUUUUUUUURE HOPE SO”

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Blog post comment of the week

My name is Mrs Sharon Sim.

Hi, Mrs. Sharon Sim.

I live in Singapore and i am a happy woman today?

Are you asking me? Sure, you seem happy. But I suppose it ultimately depends on how you define hap-

and i told my self that any lender that rescue my family from our poor situation, i will refer any person that is looking for loan to him,

“I told myself a long time ago—if I can find a person to rescue me and my family from poverty by loaning me hundreds of thousands of dollars, I will refer all of my friends to that person. It’s the least I could do, and will in fact be the only thing I do because I have no means to pay back hundreds of thousands of dollars at a 73% interest rate. Neither do my friends, but this is all semantics. The point is that I have thought about this.” – Mrs. Sharon Sim

 he gave me happiness to me and my family, i was in need of a loan of S$250,000.00 to start my life all over as i am a single mother with 3 kids I met this honest and GOD fearing man loan lender

“So I basically need to hit the reset button on my life. How much do you think that would cost, relative to my current situation in Singapore plus inflation?”

“Hmmm, let’s see … (counts heads of children behind her) … three kids … (typing in calculator) … single mother … life reset processing fee … (looks up) two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.”

“Seems fair. Now, before I agree to not pay back this significant loan, tell me, sir—are you a God-fearing man loan lender?”

“Uhhh … yes?”

“Okay, whew. Where do I sign?”

 that help me with a loan of S$250,000.00 SG. Dollar, he is a GOD fearing man,

Without hyperbole I can safely say that this is the most God-fearing loan lender I have ever heard about in the comments section of my blog.

if you are in need of loan and you will pay back the loan

I understand how loans work. Do you though?

please contact him tell him that is Mrs Sharon, that refer you to him. contact Dr Purva Pius,

The God-Fearing Loan Doctor. I’m sold.


Should be Godfearingloandoctor@gmail.com. Missed opportunity. (Although we can all agree that the Gmail factor lends an air of legitimacy to this whole sitch.)

Thank you.

Dear Dr. Purva Pius,

I was referred to you by Mrs. Sharon Sim, who spam commented on my blog one time. She tells me you are very God-fearing, and I also see that you are Pius, literally (LOL). Anyway, I need a $300,000 loan. Sure, I could go through more traditional channels, but emailing you based on the recommendation of an illiterate non-person seems as good a method as any based on my credit score considering current industry trends. Make me a happy man today? Please don't take that sexually. Love, Mike