Friday, July 24, 2015

Strawberry Shortcut

It was our daughter’s birthday and she needed to bring something in for her class to celebrate.  We decided on organic strawberries because guess what? We are THOSE parents and these kids need some reprieve from the steady “it’s someone’s birthday” diet of Munchkins and cheese sticks. It’s her effin’ birthday and we’re riding the organic fruit train today, OK kids? Deal with it.

I could tell my wife was stressed the night before, getting everything ready for the big day, so I offered to wash the strawberries. (I had heard somewhere that strawberries are like the dirtiest fruit around because of all the nooks and crannies, but until there’s a documentary about it, I need to go about my life as if nothing’s changed.) And I did—a nice, clean, good ol’ fashioned strawberry washin’. I was so caught up in my good husband-ing that I asked if I should cut the strawberries, too. My wife said not to, but I interpreted this as sympathy, like, “Awww, you don’t have to go that far—the washing alone proves what a good father and person you are.” But it was our daughter’s birthday and I wanted to go the extra mile. So I decided to cut the strawberries, obvs.

My wife walked by as I was cutting the strawberries and was like, “You’re not going to listen to me, huh?” and nodded her head in disappointment. This was a definite change in tone, at least based on my own perception of events. I was not dismayed, however, and continued to cut the strawberries. Once finished, I asked my wife where I should put the strawberries, and she said, “Back in the containers they came in,” only she said it in a way that made it seem like a trap. Like, “BACK in the containers they CAME IN” (hard eye roll). Knowing the containers had little holes in them, I thought maybe since the strawberries were now cut, they would go bad if I placed them back in those containers since they'd be exposed to the refrigerator’s elements. And then my wife’s disappointment in my efforts would be validated. No way Jose. Not to mention I couldn’t let Sprouts take all the credit for my hard work. These berries didn’t come pre-cut, you little ungrateful birthday leeches. DAD DID IT. So, I found a nice container and placed the strawberries in there for safekeeping.

The next day, school called my wife. She panicked, thinking that our oldest, who that morning was NOT supportive of the fact it was her sister’s birthday and not hers, had flipped out and was maybe strapped to a chair in the front office. Instead, they informed her that, while they appreciated the gesture of the birthday strawberries, they were unable to distribute them to the children because—this was put as diplomatically as possible—they couldn’t be certain whose hands cut them and whether or not they were exposed to peanuts/gluten/cocaine/et al. However, so the birthday would not be ruined, school staff ran out to the store and purchased organic strawberries to hand out. My wife breathed a hard sigh and informed them that her husband was responsible for the strawberries, and this seemed to suffice as an explanation. After this, my wife immediately called me. It went well!

So, in conclusion, not only were we the parents who brought organic strawberries to a birthday party, they weren’t even fit for consumption. The good news is we got to bring them home and consume them there. These are delicious and cut exquisitely! I thought in my head because I didn’t want to risk saying it out loud. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Attn: MOST IMPORTANT EMAIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll be the judge of that! I once received an email about a freakin’ bomb blaster, so this is gonna have to be pretty dang important.

From: sematco@sematco.net

Oh snap this IS important. Sematco is the emailer so nice, they named him twice.
 
Greetings,
 
Your urgent Partnership is required.

The urgency of my impending partnership is best represented by the capitalization of Partnership, which according to AP Style Sematco, is a word that should definitely be capitalized sometimes.
 
I am aware that this is certainly an unconventional approach to starting a relationship

What? Pfft. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Sematco. This isn’t weird. Some of my best friends emailed me to inform me that my partnership was required. I mean, how do you think my wife woo’d me … with her physical beauty and caring soul? Nah—she cold emailed a playa, son.

but I believe knowing each other starts from a step

“Knowing each other starts from a step.” – Sematco, philosopher, email guy

of which I believe I am not making a mistake exposing this very important business offer to you?

I can’t answer that question because I am on the other side of this email and because that’s not really a question. Nevertheless: no, you’re good.

Firstly, let me identify myself without any intention of equivocation.I am Mrs. Ma Kim,

What? I thought you were Sematco of Sematco.net? I mean … what? The only Mrs. Ma Kims I know are a) what rapper Lil’ Kim’s kids’ friends call her and b) the wife of Mr. Choong.

the wife of Mr. Choong

Oh OK.

founder of many Korean leading companies

That is just too specific for me to even question. I believe everything.

 but having problems with the government and executives of their conglomerate on corrupt allegations leveled on my husband, which are basically untrue.

“Your honor, my client, Mr. Choong, without whom Korea would have pretty much no leading companies, is basically innocent or whatever I don’t know the defense rests.”

 However, I have a legitimate business offer for you regarding some secret funds deposited somewhere in Europe for a safe-keeping, totaling the sum of USD$150,000.000.00 (One Hundred and Fifty Million United States Dollars Only). These funds can be released to you for any investment you wish to embark upon for a time period of ten (10) years before refunding it back to us.

Step 1: Get funds.
Step 2: Hold funds for like 10 years.
Step 3: Give back the funds.

This sounds like a plan I definitely want to be a part of.
 
Furthermore, I will be ready to negotiate terms with you, if I know your financial capability, experience and investment preposition, projections you wish to utilize this funds on,

I used to know what stocks were, but I forget. Does that count?

hence, I will direct you to the useful contact, where these process will be concluded within matter of days.

“Hello is this useful contact?”

“Yes it is.”

“Can we conclude *these* process?”

“In matter of days, yes. Is that all?”

“Ummm, do you have a name?”

“Consider me only as the useful contact.”

“You know, a wise person once told me, ‘Knowing each other starts from a step.”

(hangs up)

Finally, I will furnish you with more information when I receive a respond from you.

This truly has been a MOST IMPORTANT EMAIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yours truly
Mrs. Ma Kim

Peace, Ma.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Goonies never say die, always say 'sh*t'

During a family trip to the Pacific Northwest, we went to the Oregon coast to see Haystack Rock. Located on Cannon Beach, Haystack Rock is the giant boulder from which the pirate ship emerges in the classic movie, The Goonies. It was a sight to see on its own, but I almost broke down in tears from nostalgia. I wanted to BE Sean Astin for about two years after seeing Goonies for the first time, and within that span I watched Goonies about 25 more times.

As usual, the girls were unimpressed. For some reason, “Hey kids—look at that rock. It’s from a movie you’ve never seen” failed to wow them. This disappointment, combined with the heavy weight of nostalgia, formed a great decision inside of my brain: That’s it. We’re getting Goonies. The girls are watching Goonies.

My wife was skeptical, mainly because the movie—she was a huge fan as well—was a little bit scary as a kid. I agreed, but argued that our oldest loves being scared—seriously, she is disappointed in movies that aren’t at least a tiny bit unsettling—and our youngest's processing mechanism can lead her to believe that Spider-Man appears in Frozen, so we were good there. My wife urged me to check the rating, and when I confirmed it was PG, I Amazon Primed the DVD right to the hizzz-ouse.

You probably know by now that I wouldn’t be writing about this if my decision wasn’t a disaster. Allow me to list some observations.

  • PG obviously did NOT mean what it does now back in the 80s. This PG movie starts with a gun fight and the word "shit" is said about a dozen times in the first 10 minutes. How do you parentally guide THAT, PG rating?

     (Fratelli brother says “shit”)

     Don’t say that girls.

     (Mrs. Fratelli says “shit”)

     That’s a bad word girls.

     (Other Fratelli brother says “shit”)

     Don’t say that girls. Bad wor-

     (Chunk says “shit”)

     Shit, what the hell?

  • For claiming to be such a fan of the movie, I had forgotten almost all of it. Had I remembered a fraction of what I believed I did, I never would have condoned a 4- and 5-year-old watching this. A penis falls off a statue, a frozen dead body falls on Chunk about 20 times, the d-bag boyfriend tries to look down that girl’s shirt in the car … we pretty much fast-forwarded through the entire thing. It was a wonderful family experience.
  • The girls weren’t scared of anything. When I thought about the movie providing a healthy sense of fear, I was thinking about Mrs. Fratelli and Sloth, mainly. The girls couldn’t have cared less. I had hoped Sloth would teach them a lesson about not judging people who look different, but they weren’t even scared. WHY AREN’T YOU GIRLS SCARED OF SLOTH?! YOU’RE MISSING THE LESSON THAT YOU SHOULDN’T BE SCARED OF SLOTH!
  • In typical 80s fashion, I had ignored some of the movie’s more glaring weaknesses as a kid. Especially the end. Why is everyone on the beach? How did they all know these missing children would emerge there? And why is the construction representative on the beach hounding Mikey’s dad about signing away the house? I understand he’s supposed to be the bad guy, but dang—CHILL, YO. Maybe let the guy reunite with his two missing kids who just emerged from a cave or whatever. Also, Sloth is going to live with Chunk now? Really, Chunk’s parents? Maybe you want to take some time to think this through? No? You’re cool with adopting, on a whim, an adult with disabilities who has been chained in the basement his entire life and who befriended your son thanks to a mutual love of candy bars? OK, fine. I guess I shouldn’t question the judgment of parents who went to the beach RANDOMLY HOPING their missing boy would show up, and had several Dominos pizzas with them just in case he did.
  • Worst of all, the rock from which the Pirate ship sails out at the end didn’t look anything to me like Haystack Rock. As strange as this sounds, it just didn’t. I mean, I know it is … right? When we stood at its foot and took pictures, we were in total belief that it was, and everyone who saw our vacation pictures agreed. But I’m telling you—it doesn’t look like it in the movie. It made me question everything, like the catalyst of this entire poor decision-making process wasn’t even real.
Shit.


Roomies

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Spam email of the week

-->
Subject: URGENT ATTENTION:!!!

You’ve got mine:!!!

From: "Mr Jan Eliasson"<adm@gerlein.com.co>

You know you're spammy when even the “From” is doing air quotes.

My name is Mr Jan Eliasson, I am a crime fighter

Sure, why not.

and Deputy Secretary-General of the United Nations. I was mandated to come to Nigeria-Africa to investigate frauds that are being committed here in Nigeria at intervals.

President of UN: Frauds are being committed in Nigeria at intervals:!!! Who is our best internal crime fighter?

Mr. Jan Eliasson: That would be me, sir … (frantically tries to Velcro cape to back of suit, puts on plastic Halloween Batman mask)

President of UN: Geez. Alright, well, I mandate you to go to Nigeria-Africa to investigate!

Mr. Jan Eliasson: You got it, Commissioner Gordon!

President of UN: My name is Stephen.

Mr. Jan Eliasson: You said Nigeria-Africa, right? Not Nigeria-Canada? Just don’t want to make that mistake again.

President of UN: (face palms)

"I am very honoured to be invited to eradicate fraud completely in Africa which I have vowed to do without any fear or favour," but it baffles me to discover

Pretty sure Mr. Jan Eliasson just quoted himself without credit.

 that your impending funds from Africa, which was intercepted,has not been released to you till this moment

You think YOU’RE baffled, Mr. Jan Eliasson? I’ve been waiting for my funds to be released from Nigeria-Africa since 2013. When I found out they *was* intercepted by Evil Darrelle Revis I was hella pissed, and hoped the United Nations would assign a crime fighter to solve this. So you can imagine my relief.

We have managed to apprehend some scam syndicates who made some confessional statements and indited Ex-Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria(Professor Charles Soludo and his successor Dr.Lamido Sanusi.

Scam Syndicates is officially the name of my new band and/or fantasy team. Also, if I may, I just want to recap this very real and important email:

A UN crime fighter with a woman’s name went to Nigeria to fight evil and has since apprehended several members of a scam syndicate, which include a professor named Charles and his understudy, Lamido. They have since been indited, which is something I am unfamiliar with but I assume means killed.

They have confessed how they have impersonated the names of some UN Executive members like MR BAN KI-MOON

Me: (picks up phone) Hello?

Person: Oh yes hi I uh … have a lot of money for you from Nigeria or whatever.

Me: Sounds great. Heeeeeyyy … is this Doctor Lamido Sanusi?

Person: What? No, this is MR. BAN KI-MOON.

Me: The famous UN executive member?

Person: Yes.

Me: This is the greatest day of my life.

the irregularities in foreign payment files intentionally masterminded by these scammers and urgently called the attention of the World Bank President and Mr. Bank Ki-Moon and they both came to a resolution that the Federal Government of Nigeria must pay a total amount of $10.5M to each of the people whose names were found in the list till this irregularity has been corrected.

Seems fair.

NOTE: On no account must you be requested to pay any fee by any Bank or individual in Nigeria. The only fee you must pay to receive your fund which covers every other fee is  a UN POLICE FUND CLEARANCE REPORT FEE OF $225.

Pfft. Paying the UN POLICE FUND CLEARANCE REPORT FEE is basically like paying shipping. I’m used to it. But I’m kind of scared that the fee won’t arrive safely. Is that normal?

Do not be afraid for the fee

OK. Thanks.

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re:: Reminder:: Good News ("AS YOU WISH") 

This email is regarding a reminder about good news. And I must do with it as I wish, which is write about it for my blog.

From: "Mark Ubadi (ATM CARD DELIVERY EXPERT)

Mark Ubadi at Safeway: I didn’t spend eight years at ATM card school for YOU to tell ME which way to swipe!

Cashier: But it’s upside do-

Mark Ubadi: GET ME THE MANAGER.

We have concluded arrangements for your ATM CARD worth $10.5 Million to be released to you Immediately. 

It’s about time my $10.5 million pre-paid ATM card was released. Here I am burning through a line of credit like some kind of peasant asshole. (“Immediately” with a capital “I” is faster than Jimmy Johns, FYI.)

There has been an order from above to release all the packages

God: RELEASE THE KRACKEN! … … … … j/k I mean ALL THE PACKAGES!

that are being held after the beneficiary of the package comply with the instructions that will facilitate the delivery of the package.

Those words make sense.

I have requested for a Privilege Certificate from our Sub-Consulate, 

In Mark Ubadi’s office hangs a framed degree from the online university ATM Card Expert School and a Privilege Certificate signed by the Sub-Consulate. The Sub-Consulate signed it “Steve.”

this Certificate will make sure you receive your package without request for more payment and the cost of the Privilege Certificate is $35 only.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – a $35 Privilege Certificate fee to get a $10.5 million pre-paid ATM card is a no-brainer. If you think otherwise, I’m sorry, but you’re no ATM card expert.

The Privilege Certificate is $35

I Immediately forgot about that so thanks for reminding me.

and you have to pay the fee on or before Thursday 7th of May

Oops oh well it was only $10.5 million.

via Western Union or Money Gram in the name stated below: 

RECEIVERS NAME: UFOMA JAMES

I am looking forward to going to the Money Gram store, which is a place, and saying, "My name is Mike Kenny and I am here to Money Gram $35 to Ufoma James."

ADDRESS: 18 TAIWO STREET, AKURE, ONDO NIGERIA 

TEXT QUESTION: GOOD 

ANSWER: NEWS

Me: I’ll take common Money Gram text questions for $10.5 million, Alex.

Alex Trebek: The answer here is “NEWS.”

Me: (beeps in) What is “GOOD.”

Alex Trebek: Oooh, sorry, Your answer must not be in the form of a question because the word GOOD is not a question and also you were supposed to text that to me, not say it, idiot.

Me: what

Alex Trebek: You’re out of Nigerian Jeopardy, please leave.

Thank you and God bless you. MARK

Thank YOU for invoking God on this terrible email, Mark Ubadi. I trust you sleep soundly at night on a pile of fraudulent ATM cards after saying your prayers.

 --- This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software. http://www.avast.com 

Oh thank goodness nothing illegitimate got through. That would have been bad.

Thursday, July 02, 2015

Spam email of the week

Good Day, Consider my letter as a breakthrough and lets work to actualise it.

This letter (not a letter) is a breakthrough in the same way that a picture of a unicorn is a breakthrough. The joke there is that a unicorn, like everything contained in this letter (not a letter) isn’t real. Nevertheless, yes—let’s work to actualize it. The unicorn, I mean. (draws picture of a unicorn) (unicorn jumps off page, winks at me and flies away) There. Awesome. Are we done?

I was just leafing through the profiles of some names in the Internet before I came through your Contact information. 

Seems like a legit way to spend time and an equally legit result.

HO HUM WHAT TO DO LET’S LEAF THROUGH SOME PROFILE NAMES ON THE INTERNET

JUST GONNA TYPE IN WWW.PROFILENAMES.COM AND LEAF THROUGH MY COMPUTER LIKE PAPER

THERE’S A NEAT NAME MAYBE HE WANTS TO EMBARK ON A CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS VENTURE WITH ME

I am Mr. Mrs. Stella Marine 

This is you trying on names:

Dr. Phd. Pippy Navy Seal

Lord Dame Gladys Air Force 1

Mr. Mrs. Stella Marine

GOT IT!

expert accountant and head of the accounting department of First National and Trust Bank London. 

People ask, “Why do you bank with First National and Trust Bank London?” And I tell them, “Because they put their expert accountants in charge of accounting.” (walks away smiling while holding the hand of a child) (gentle piano outro) (end of commercial) 

I have a proposal urgent and very confidential business to make with you, 

Wait—is this about sex, or a petroleum consultant Brazilian?

In January 2008 a petroleum Consultant Brazilian has opened an account with a value of ?15,342,500 (Fifteen million three hundred and forty two thousand five British 

question marks?

pounds)

Oh. OOOOHHHHHHHHHH …

We have been notified the depositary of the fund to our bank died of cancer since December 2008 

Our bank has been died of cancer since December 2008. This is indeed a breakthrough letter (not a letter).

and after investigation I discovered that he had died without making a will and all attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless. 

Maybe if you sent his kin some fruit baskets they would have come forward. That's on you.

After study of all the parameters in this case, I contacted that i could dispose of these funds without problem and the transfer to a foreign country in any legality and this i will need the help of a partner living outside of my country. 

My uncle was a petroleum consultant Brazilian, so I feel like you came to the right place.

For that, I am prepared to give you 40% of these funds and the rest will be for me and after your response, I will give you more details and documents to help you understand this transaction. 

Pretty sure I have a firm grasp on the sitch.

Waiting for your reply I wish you a good day. Email: barsewilmer@hotmail.com Cordially, Mrs. Stella Barse Wilmer. 

Congratulations on your decision to be a woman, and marrying into the Barse Wilmer family. I’m sure the Marines are going to miss you, but they’ll make do. They always do.

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Snoop Dogg Dry Herb Vaporizer -----USD7.9/set

From: Joyce Wang [kteresacig@163.com]


CAN'T TALK NOW - MY HOMEGIRL JOYCE WANG JUST EMAILED ME ABOUT SNOOP DOGG'S DRY HERB VAPORIZER

Hello friend,

HELLO JOYCE WANG, BFF

how are you?

I AM GOOD, JOYCE WANG

hope your everything goes well!

THANKS, JOYCE WANG. HOPE YOUR EVERYTHING GOES WELL, TOO. YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING, SO IF YOUR EVERYTHING GOES WELL THEN MY EVERYTHING GOES WELL.

great new!!!!

IT WAS WORTH SACRIFICING THE "S" FOR THE FOURTH EXCLAMATION POINT. "LEAVE OFF THE LAST 'S' FOR SNOOP DOGG" IS YOUR NEW MOTTO. YOU'RE WELCOME, JOYCE WANG.

Snoop Dogg Dry Herb Vaporizer -----USD7.9/set

AMERICAN SUCCESS FORMULA NO. 7655: BE A GANGSTA RAPPER > MAYBE KILL A GUY > BECOME AN ACCEPTED POP CULTURE ICON DESPITE/BECAUSE OF A LONG AND STORIED HISTORY OF PROMOTING MISOGYNY, VIOLENCE, DRUGS AND ALCOHOL > ROAST JUSTIN BEIBER > RELEASE A LINE OF HERB VAPORIZERS > DIE A HERO

MOQ 5 sets

FIVE SETS IT IS THEN! BTW WHAT IS A DRY HERB VAPO-

welcome to order!

THANK YOU! IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE AT THIS ORDER. I'D BE REMISS IF I DIDN'T THANK JOYCE WANG AND SNOOP DOGG, THE TWO PEOPLE MOST RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ATTENDANCE AT THIS ORDER TONIGHT. NOW, I UNDERSTAND THEY'RE BRINGING OUT THE PASTA SHORTLY, BUT I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY A FEW THINGS ...