Friday, January 30, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re:Steel products supplier from Huaye Group

I honestly didn’t know there was a group other than Huaye by which to acquire a steel products supplier, but OK.

Dear Manager,

Nice to contact you,

Is it? I am going to make fun of this.

Shanghai Huaye Iron & Steel Group is a China’s top 500 enterprises Rank No.104 with 24  years' development as a manufacturer of various steel.

I like my steel like I like my facts—cold and hard. And the fact is I only do business with Top 100 Chinese enterprises. You have exactly 24 hours to move up four spots, or the deal is OFF.

Just kidding I don't care let's do this.

I am Cindy with four years sales experience,

Cindy sounds like a traditional Chinese name and your vast experience in steel sales speaks for itself. Show me the dotted line and I will sign for any amount of steel. I need steel, and lots of it. I don't eff around when it comes to steel. Steel me.

Hope this e-mail would make us know more about each other.

Me too, Cindy. Me. Too. One thing you should about me from the outset is that I have a cleft lip. Also, I don’t need any steel. I was joking earlier.

Products are introduced as below: 

If I woke up one morning and this was on my doorstep, I would definitely know what to do with it because I am very good at steel. (I would get inside of it and ask my wife to roll it down a giant hill.) But what I really need is a bundle of steel rods.

This will do.


Well this has been fun. For me at least.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Spam email of the week


This sounds like a cool new show on Disney Channel.

> Saudaзхes amigo,
> Vocк pode se perguntar por que eu estou chegando a vocк, apesar de amigos que conheзo hб anos, a razгo singular й que eu tenho pela prуpria natureza desta proposiзгo e da confidencialidade exigida decidiu lidar com uma pessoa que eu nгo conhecia antes, para que possamos desenvolver a confianзa e executar esta operaзгo sem um terceiro
> knowing.I pessoa nгo teria usado esse meio (Internet), mas eu escolhi para chegar atй vocк
> atravйs dele, porque й a forma mais rбpida, mais segura e mais segura de comunicaзгo.

I went ahead and bolded the words I understand, thinking maybe they are clues. So, knowing that I don’t speak whatever language this is, I decided to scroll down on my Internet, and I discovered MRS VERONICA BRIGHT had translated this entire email to English. They don’t call me Sherlock Homeboy for nothin’.

Ø      Greetings Friend,
> You may wonder why I am reaching out to you in spite of friends that I have known for years,

Yes, that is the first thing I wondered.

the singular reason is that I have by the very nature of this proposition and the required confidentiality decided to deal with a person that I have not known before so that we can develop the trust and execute this transaction without a third
> person knowing.I would not have used this medium (Internet) but I chose to reach you
> through it because it is the fastest, surest and most secured medium of communication.

“I would not have used the Internet, but I used the Internet.”

> However, this correspondence is un-official and private, and it should be treated as such.

I am treating it as very unofficial and public. Hope that works.

I also guarantee you that this transaction is hitch free from all what you may
> think of.

Aside from being a beautiful sentence, that is a Joe Namath-esque guarantee that correctly assumes it can read my thoughts. What I am thinking now is that it’s cool how “hitch” = identity theft + money theft. Bernie Madoff was an honest businessman except for that hitch tho.

> I am Mrs. Veronica Bright of The Bank of East Asia USA, San Gabriel Branch,California (USA)

The Bank of East Asia is in California. I bet when East Asians call their bank’s customer service department, they’re always complaining that the reps speak Californian instead of fluent East Asian.

I am contacting you based on Trust and confidentiality that will be
> attached to this transaction. The Management and the Legal department of our bank in a recent meeting recommended that the account of MR. DAVID ANGELLl, who was one of my branch depositors, should be declared Dormant, confiscated and the depositor's fund sent to the Bank Treasury according to American Banking and financial law.

Sure, but where (yawns) do I come in?

> Mr. David Angell and the wife died

*the wife*

in world trade center as a victim of the September 11,2001 incident that befell the United States of America.

Considering it’s 2015, this is actually one hitch I didn’t see coming.

he owns a dollar account with the sum of 58.2M (Fifty Eight Million, two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) deposited in a Secret account with my branch .In fact, since his death, no next of kin of the account holder nor any relative of him has shown up for the claim,this is because he has the account as a secret account thus he left all the
> documents for the deposit with me.

Mr. David Angell: Hello. My name is David Angell, and although I work in New York City, I would like to set up an account with the Bank of East Asia, which is in California.

Mrs. Veronica Bright: Sure, Mr. Angell. Would you like that account to be checking, savings, or secret?

Mr. David Angell: Secret, please. I don’t want any of the family I don’t have knowing about this, especially “the wife.” Only you, Mrs. Veronica Mars, will know.

Mrs. Veronica Bright: It’s Bright.

Mr. David Angell: Yes, that is why I am wearing sunglasses.

Mrs. Veronica Bright. No, my name is Mrs. Veronica Bright.

Mr. David Angell: Whatever.

The wife whom he signed in

*the wife*

as his next of kin died with him on that fateful and sad day.

Thank you for rehashing the part where the wife died. I almost forgot about the wife dying.

This is where I am interested and where I want you to come in. I want you to come in as the relation of the deceased;

Sure, why not. Lemme just slide in there like

 Do not be bothered that you are not related in any way to him as I am in position to affix your name as the next of kin.

Oh OK.

The whole Procedures will last only 9 working days to get the fund retrieved successfully without trace even in future. 

Even THE FUTURE is no match for this fail proof plan.

After the transfer of the money we shall share the money 70-30, which is I will have 70% while you will have 30%.

But I am doing all the work. 

K fine.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I really don’t think I’m strong enough … to win this argument

And there I was, as the prophecy foretold, trying to convince my 5-year-old daughter that Cher is a woman.

Friday mornings are flagged as “playlist Fridays” for when I drive the girls to school. What this means is that I create a Spotify playlist of their favorite songs, and we pretty much jam out at volumes that my wife would no doubt deem inappropriate. It’s a little something special we have together, and it also gives me some important leverage throughout the week. For the last time, get out of the dog bed or playlist Friday is CANCELED!

It’s often the case that throughout the week the girls will make requests for the playlist. Our youngest will request literally every song she hears, regardless of whether or not she likes it, if it’s on the playlist already, or if it’s even a song. She has requested commercial jingles for car insurance to be added, and anything with even a faint melody will result in a Pavlov’s dogs-type reaction of, “DADDY, CAN YOU PUT THIS ON THE PLAYLIST?” I just say yes.

Our oldest has a bit more refined taste. So I listened intently as she asked if I could add to the playlist a song she’d been hearing at school, and she was going to try and sing it for me. “Do you belieeeeeeve in life and some (trails off) … I really don’t think it’s dah dah dah OH!”

I was like, hold up—is she singing Cher? How is that … what? They’re listening to Cher at school now? This is what we’re paying for? Anyway, I sang it back to her to confirm, and she nearly lost her ever-loving mind with excitement that I knew the song and would add it to the playlist.

A couple days later, Friday morning, I was building up the anticipation for the song as it was about to premier on the playlist, but when it did—specifically when the vocals kicked in—I was the only one fist-bumpin’. Our oldest was very disappointed, sad even, as she maintained that this was NOT the same song and she didn’t want “a boy song.”

Now, throughout the day, our girls’ school plays, on the intercom speakers, Kidz Bop versions of popular songs. If you don’t know what Kidz Bop is, consider yourself lucky. In fact, there’ve been occasions when I’m signing the girls in for school in the morning, and the five seconds of hearing a Kidz Bop version of “Call Me Maybe” makes me think I’m going to have a seizure, and I’ll ask the girl at the desk how she deals with this all day long, and she’ll turn to me wide-eyed and say, “I DON’T KNOW.”

Obviously, our daughter had heard the Kidz Bop version of “Believe”—from the album “Kidz Bop Sings Late 90s Comeback Pop 70s Diva Hits,” apparently—and had been unable to process the voice discrepancy between tween girls and Cher. This, of course, resulted in me seriously trying to convince her that Cher was a woman, to the point I was becoming legitimately flustered that she didn’t believe me.

Making matters infinitely more complicated was the recent resurfacing of a picture—thanks to my lovely wife—of a Halloween of yore that featured me dressed as Cher and my wife dressed as Sonny. Our girls have seen the picture, and amazingly it has done very little to convince our oldest daughter that Cher is, in fact, a woman. LINES HAVE BEEN BLURRED and I’ve decided to put off this gender discussion (which I guess should include the topic of Cher’s former daughter as well) to a much, much later date.

For the time being, the weekly playing of “Believe” is consistently accompanied by the question, “This is a boy song, right?” I just say yes. 

Note: This column appears in the 1/29 issue of The Glendale Star and the 1/30 issue of the Peoria Times.


Friday, January 23, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Tax refund message!

Cool! Usually my tax refund message comes from my tax professionals after I've filed my taxes and relates to the taxes I pay in America, but this email from seems excited, if not legit.

Tax Refund Notification

Profesh header

HM Revenue & Custωms (HMRC)
Date: 19/12/2014

The “o” in “Customs” here is either a “w” in a weird font or a pair of boobs, in which case, sign me up for taxes! I look forward to arranging the details of my taxes with an organization that is under the impression there are at least 19 months. And what was your gross income for the month of Boinktober? I don’t see it listed on your W2.

A tαx refund of 472.49 GBP. (Still Pending) Due to invαlid αccount record we were unable to credit your αccount. Please submit a verified tαx refund form.

How you gonna mess with a man’s GBPs, UNCLE SAM? Sheesh. Anyway, yeah, let me just fill out a verified tax refund form, which is a thing, for this random email.

A refund can be delayed for a variety reasons. For exαmple submitting invalid recΩrds or αpplying after the deadline.

I appreciate you trying to pass the blame for this to me, but I keep my taxes tight, son. Valid and on time, and you know this, man. Also, the irony is not lost on me that an email accusing me of submitting invalid tax records spells “records” with a horseshoe.

To αccess your tαx refund, please follow the steps bellow:

Am I bellow? Should I bellow? Is that step one? I’m going to bellow just in case.

- downloαd the Tαx Refund Form αttached to this emαil

I’m good.

- open it in a browser (recommended mozilla firefox)

Downloading a zip file and opening a link in a browser are two different things, but I do appreciate the browser recommendation. I was going to open this in Explorer and there’s NO TELLING what could have happened there.

- follow the instructions on your screen

Thank you for making this a step.

Note: If you received these e-mαil in your BULK/SPAM section please add to your address book custΩms@hmrc.gΩ

Can’t think of how an email containing that very sentence could have ended up in spam, but OK.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: No Risk Mattress Business

Pffft. Tell that to “Mattress” Mickey Plume, who infamously crashed and burned during the great mattress recession of ’98. RIP Mickey Plume. His headstone reads, “He loved mattresses, but flew too close to the sun.”

Respected Honor Customers,

Far be it from me to criticize your mattress marketing techniques, but I can only hope this mass email did not reach someone unworthy of the respect and honor you have quite recklessly bestowed. If some sketchy mattress dude is now walking around out there thinking his respect and honor is on par with my own, I’m gonna be pissed.

We are one of the cheapest luxury mattress factory.

If I assume the attention you would have paid to speaking normally is instead focused on mattress production, then and only then is this sentence convincing.

If you want to start mattress business with our factory

I do. (slides ring on mattress factory; we kiss)

(MOQ must be at least one 20 feet container, it is about 200 pcs mattress),

Obvs. What do you think I am, some kind of mattress novice? Like Imma MOQ a 10 feet container for 50 pcs mattress? Bitch, please.

You just need to pay 30% deposit and 70% balance can be paid 60 days after you get the copy of B/L.

It’s uncouth to talk about money this early in the mattress business process. You have offended my respect and honor.

If your company is avaiable and powerful in your country

Not sure what qualifies a company as available, but—and I don’t mean to brag—I have the most powerful mattress company in America. If you need a bill passed or a foreign dignitary poisoned, come see me. I'll be seated on a fine mattress in the back of the store.

(because we need to check your company credit at first),

This is the second time you have offended my respect and honor. I should also mention that credit score doesn’t tell the whole story. You should check out these customer testimonials:

(10-minute video of elderly woman sleeping on what appears to be a mattress)

Suffice it to say, she got that mattress at Mike’s Mattress Store. I think.  

pls feel free to contact with me to start our cooperation.

I have a feeling this is the beginning of a long and prosperous mattress-based relationship. And while I know I’ve said that before, this time I am serious. (accidentally submits MOQ for 10 feet container, 50 pcs mattress)


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Chasing cars

I’m not sure if the same can be said about the road of life, but on the literal road I prefer leading to following.

It provides for an interesting dynamic, following another’s car. The leader must always be cognizant of the follower, especially when it comes to speed, lane changes, and going through yellow lights. My constant awareness of the person behind me and willingness to sacrifice my usual driving techniques is what makes me, I believe, a pretty good leader.

But there is also responsibility on the follower, who must navigate the timidity of defensive driving with the subtle aggression of staying behind another vehicle. It’s also important that the follower develop a rapport with the leader because when these two drivers are in harmony, it becomes a virtual orchestra of driving beauty in which a synchronized blinker provides the beat.

But that is rare. A few years ago I followed my father-in-law from New Jersey to Pittsburgh. It was a seven-hour drive that mercilessly fluctuated between 92 mph in the left lane and 48 mph, also in the left lane, the difference in speed a result of whether or not he was on the phone or trying to find a protein bar in the console. (It should also be mentioned that when my father-in-law is reluctantly forced to follow me, he does very bizarre things like refusing to stay in my lane and driving way ahead of me and using his indicator to show me which way he thinks we should go, all for the sake of proving that he follows NO MAN.)

Of course, the context for this typically involves a general uncertainty about the whereabouts of the destination. For most of my life, I did not consider there might be an etiquette to leading when everyone knows where they’re going. I was dating my wife when she was following me back to her parents’ house. I wasn’t trying to lose her—NOW’S THE TIME TO MAKE MY ESCAPE—but rather became less and less aware of her whereabouts, subconsciously understanding she knew the way. Nothing was subconscious, however, about her reaction when we arrived: “What’s your problem? Leaving me in the dust like that? WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED?”

I’ve since adjusted my ways, although I have to admit I often feel my wife has to step up her following game. Although her extreme cautiousness is commendable, it makes it very difficult to lead.

Case in point: We picked up my in-laws at the airport, and my father-in-law rode shotgun with me while my wife drove her mom and the girls. Exiting Sky Harbor can be a bit tricky, and my wife felt uneasy about it, so I tried my best to keep her in sight. But there were lane closures and a lot of airport traffic, and she got lost in the shuffle. Still, I slowed to an absurd crawl after merging, cars whizzing by left and right, but I did not see her. What is she doing? I thought I finally caught a glimpse before hitting the highway, and felt reassured she noticed me and was on her way.

Merging onto I10 out of the airport is no picnic, and it’s not something you can do at 40 mph. It’s a sensory overload—202 HERE; 10 EAST THERE; WHO LIKES THE 51?; STAY IN THIS LANE FOR THE SEVENTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN—and I had no choice but to go and try to let her catch up on the 17.
And I tried. There I was, doing about 45 in the right lane, my eyes glued to the rear view mirror as my father-in-law, unaware of how slow I was going or that anyone was even following us, told me a story about how he convinced a Cox customer service rep to sing to him in Italian over the phone. Meanwhile, in the car I could not find, this was going down:

Mother-in-law: What is he doing? Where are they?

Wife: I don’t know, MA!

Girl 1: Mommy, I-


Mother-in-law: Him and your fatha … I tell ya’. Listen, he’s driving way too fast, what can I tell ya. But I’m not gonna say anything … I just got here.

When we arrived at breakfast, my wife wasn’t as reluctant to say something. Turns out I am the only one who thinks I am a pretty good leader. Oh well. There’s always the road of life, I guess.

Note: This column appears in the 1/22 issue of The Glendale Star and the 1/23 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Happy Day Partner

I'm not sure if this is a salutation, an email from a dating site, or a solicitation from a daycare for cowboy children.

Happy Day Partner

It's a salutation.

Please Partner accepts my apology''

I forgive you? (I am Partner.)

 Hope this mail will fine you an excellent
Condition of health with your family. I'm happy to inform you about my

in getting those funds transferred or diverted under the co- operation of
a new Partner from Paraguay as i cannot wait any longer. Presently I'm in
South Korea For investment projects with my own share of the total sum.

Starting a new paragraph mid-sentence is something that would normally cause me to immediately end a partnership, especially considering there is a new Partner from Paraguay in the picture (slut). But as I stated earlier, I forgive my partner. We can work this out.

Meanwhile I didn't forget you're past efforts and attempts to assist in
Transferring these funds despite that it failed us some how because of
your lack Wisdom.

My ability to forgive is truly being tested, as much for the insult as for the misuse of "you're."

Now contact my new secretary in Nigeria her name is

I can't believe you've cycled through yet another Nigerian secretary, partner. Sheesh. Welp, at least JOY AZU sounds better than your last one, DEPRESSED UZA. Man, what a B.

Ask her to direct you how to get the total
US$2, 000,000 which I deposited
as Cheque as your compensation for all your past efforts and attempts to
assist me in this matter.

Yes, sure. I will ask the Nigerian JOY AZU about my $2 million. This is a very casual conversation.

I appreciated your efforts at that time very much and I am God fairing man
I Promised my God that I will not let any fellow or sit on some body sweat
so far God has made it possible for me.

Moses: (breaks commandments)

God: Moses, for crying out loud!

Moses: Sorry, God. I got kind of upset down there. Yeah so, uh ... how many commandments were there? I'll carve them over again on this rock.

God: Twelve.

Moses: Twelve? I thought there were only 10?

God: The last two were on the back.

Moses: Really? OK. What were they?

God: No. 11 was "Though shalt not let any fellow."

Moses: ...

God: ...

Moses: You, uh ... you gonna finish th-

God: No. 12 was "Though shalt not sit on somebody sweat."

Moses: ...

God: ...

Moses: ...

God: You know what? Just forget those last two, OK? Those are just common sense rules now that I think about it. And I'll carve these over, don't worry about it.

Moses: (sits on somebody sweat)

God: MOSES! For crying out loud ...

 Don't bordered or worry your self by contacting the office to avoid
charging you for illegal claims or double transaction or trace your
information for arrest

Is this your first time using language? I feel like maybe it is. Anyway, thanks for your reassurance to just not worry about getting arrested.

Thanks Once more, as I cannot afford to lose this fund. I am very sorry, as There s nothing I can do than this and I want you to share this joy with me since Your information made this to come through but Do to lack of finance and wisdom.

You know, I DO have a college degree.

It will take me a while before I can reach Africa or get in touch with you


and our office is now closed and relocated in my guesthouse to
avoid trace.

Best Regards,
 Mr/Mrs. Peters Williams.

What happens at Mr/Mrs. Peter Williams' guesthouse stays at Mr/Mrs. Peter Williams' guesthouse. Because it's untraceable. (For what it's worth though, what happens there is that Peter Williams scientifically transforms himself into a hybrid man/woman and has impure relations with an assembly line of Nigerian secretaries, making each a false promise of a lifetime partnership. But you didn't hear that from me.)