Posts

Nextdoor post of the week

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THUS CONCLUDES JULIEANN'S ONE-WOMAN PERFORMANCE OF "sENIOR HELP" 👏👏👏

MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN JULIEANN SAID "I WILL DO FOR SENIORS GROCERY SHOPING"

I LAUGHED, I CRIED

THE REVIEWS ARE IN FOLKS

"WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO RELYING ON SOMEONE WHO CANNOT OPERATE A CAPS LOCK KEY" - GLORIA, 89

"FIVE STARS. MY ONLY QUESTION IS WHETHER JULIEANN IS NEAR ROUTE 9" - FRANK, 91

"I CALLED THE NUMBER BUT IT IS A FAX NUMBER" - HARRIET, 86

"IF YOU'RE ASKING ME IF I NEED OR WANT MORE, THE ANSWER IS YES!" PETER TRAVERS, ROLLING STONE

"JULIEANN PROMISED TO TAKE ME GROCERY SHOPPING BUT SOMEONE CLAIMING TO BE HER BOYFRIEND PICKED ME UP AND WE ONLY WENT TO 7-ELEVEN SO HE COULD BUY CONDOMS. IT WAS OK I GUESS." - SHIRLEY, 90

"THANK YOU, JULIEANN, THANK YOU" - JULIEANN

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Nextdoor posts of the week

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LOOKING FOR AN ALTO SAX

I MEAN AN ALSO SAX

MUCH BETTER TO HAVE A TYPO IN THE ALTO THAN IN THE SAX, IMO

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU FOLLOW IT UP WITH THE TURN OF PHRASE "IN THE CLOSET WAITING FOR AN EAGER YOUNG BOY"

I MEAN WTF IS THAT ALL ABOUT

THAT SAID, I DO HAVE A SPARE ALTO SAX (OBVIOUSLY) BUT IT'S MOUNTED ON THE WALL IN MY ALTO SAX ROOM, NOT THE CLOSET, AND ITS IDEAL PARTNER IS A MATURE CURVY WOMAN ... DO I STILL QUALIFY

ALSO:




BY THE WAY I HAD TO PAY LIKE $500 FOR MY DAUGHTER TO RENT A FLUTE FOR SIX MONTHS SO NO WAY YOU'RE GETTING AN ALTO SAX FOR FREE VIA NEXTDOOR




CAN'T BELIEVE IT

"AN ALTO NEEDING A HOME" SMH WHAT IS HAPPENING




I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WOMEN'S SHOES BUT: WHAT

"PEEP TOE ANKLE BOOTS SHOES, NO HOLDS" -- ERNEST HEMINGWAY, 2019





AN HONEST ALBEIT WEIRD (GOOGLE AND YELP STILL EXIST, "DO U LIKE IT?") POST ABOUT HAIRCUTS, BUT THAT'S NOT WHY WE'RE HERE

LET'S CHECK ON PAT IN THE COMMENTS




FARMINGDALE IS A TOWN




W…

Spam email of the week

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Really having a tough time determining if this means “Yo, your blog is SICK, dawg,” or “Your blog is terrible.” NEVERTHELESS, it needs a doctor. And who better than (check notes) … Willium Scott?


Hey mikekenny.blogspot.com Team,
I have a team? I mean yes, I have a team.
Hope you are doing good !
I am doing OK. The rest of my team (peaks into adjacent room where daughters are arguing over who is a better pretend gymnastics coach as dog barfs on the rug) … not so much.
Your website “mikekenny.blogspot.com” communicates in many different ways to the visitor.
Rarely if ever have I heard the grand impact of my blog described so exquisitely and accurately. It DOES communicate in many ways to the visitor! One way is through the words I write on it. Also sometimes it calls people on the phone. One time it used body language to alert a police officer about a crime in progress.
I see your competitors
I have competitors? Who else is writing about this email and also memes about Phil Collins’s daug…

Teaser link of the week

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I DID IT

I FOUND THE BEST TEASER LINK


CONSUMERS’ INSATIABLE APPETITE FOR PHIL COLLINS CONTENT MANIFESTS ITSELF YET AGAIN
IF MY REPUTABLE AND COMMENDABLE HISTORY OF RESEARCHING TEASER LINKS DIDN’T INFORM ME THAT THE “YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE NOW” IS IMPLIED, I WOULD BE CALLING THE POLICE ON THIS AD
“PROBABLY?” TAKE A STAND DAMMIT
I EXPECTED MORE FROM LOCKSMITH OF HEARTS
PHIL SEEMS AS SURPRISED AS THE REST OF US THAT HE CREATED CIVILIZATION'S MOST PRETTY WOMAN



IT'S GRAMMATICALLY CHIC NOW TO ADD AN APOSTROPHE+S TO SHOW POSSESSIVE FOR A NAME ENDING IN "S," ALTHOUGH CONSIDERING "MOST PRETTY" AND THE MULTIPLE MISSING WORDS, I DOUBT THAT WAS INTENTIONAL
THAT SAID, THE PERIOD IS MY FAVORITE PART
MY OTHER FAVORITE PART IS EVERYTHING
CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERYONE INVOLVED HERE

Nextdoor posts of the week

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PEST JOKE OF THE WEEK

THANK YOU BILL

YOU DON'T OWN A PEST CONTROL BUSINESS DO YOU

EITHER WAY THIS IS GOOD AND RELATABLE CONTENT

GRAMMAR JOKE OF THE WEEK

WHY ARE "A'S" AND "BEE'S" POSSESSIVE

BECAUSE BILL IS A WEIRDO

#GRAMMARJOKEOFTHEWEEK

(PLEASE BUY MY GRAMMAR SOFTWARE, LINKED IN THE COMMENTS)



WHAT ARE HEAT INDICES

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WEATHER IS OR HOW TO REACT TO IT SO THANK GOODNESS FOR THE GARAGE SALE SITE NEXTDOOR.COM" - A PERSON?




THANK YOU PUBLIC INFORMATION OFFICER LAURA FOR PUBLIC INFORMATION THAT IS FILLED WITH ERRORS AND ALSO MISLEADING AND THANK YOU LUANNE FOR CALLING OUT THIS PSA WITH A BROKEN ATTACHMENT

ALL OF THIS IS GOOD AND WORTH EVERYONE'S TIME




I COME TO NEXTDOOR FOR TWO REASONS, TO BUY ADULT DIAPERS AND TO FIGHT CRIME, AND RIGHT NOW I'M GOOD ON ADULT DIAPERS




THANK YOU JOE, YOU REALLY GOT 'EM

(*THE* JAIL)




WHAT

I MEAN YES I'M SURE THESE CREDIT CARD THIEVES ARE ENGAGED IN THE LOCAL POLITICAL PROCESS




I HATE TO S…

Rules for life

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I found some very helpful rules for life on Facebook recently in the form of a meme video that has snowflakes falling for some reason and which features a sketch drawing of your everyday white man-- let's call him Steve-- who clearly endorses and lives by these rules. Let's check them out, shall we?



Solid advice. This first rule really sets the tone that these rules for life will be angry and bitter and not at all helpful in any discernible way. (Shout out to Beautifulquotes.co for all of the beauty you are about to read. You should totally check out the site which is, uh ... something.)




You better come out of the womb MEETING QUOTAS or no one will affirm your good temperament and smooth skin. BACK IN MY DAY I didn't feel good about myself until NEVER as evidenced by the fact that I am 64 and still feel the need to elevate myself above subsequent generations based on sweeping, false generalizations.



CAR PHONE lol. I have so many questions about this rule.
1. Not to sound l…

Snorkeling only

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We purchased a snorkel for our daughter to use in the pool (for her upcoming birthday, so SHHHHH!). Here are the instructions that my wife discovered in the packaging (MUCH to her delight):


“Yes hello, snorkel customer service? Yeah, I just had a couple questions about the sn-”
“It will be a little fog.”
“OK uh, that wasn’t really why I was calling, but yes, the fogging is kinda heavy.”
“Are you wearing the mask properly?”
“It goes on your butt, right? J/k, but I mean, your previous statement suggested that the fog is an issue with the mask, not a user error.”
“What is the temperature of the water? Is it at least 18 kilopascals?”
“What”
“Are you a competent swimmer?”
“Well, I figured I'd learn how to snorkel first, then swim.”
“Doesn't matter. Don’t snorkel alone, always have a companion.”
“It’s funny you say that, because my wife and I have a framed photo above our bed with that exact quote.”
“Are you trying to snorkel in high or rapid wave?”
“Yes, absolutely. One wave. The …