Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Facebook meme of the week



This heartwarming sentiment is indeed a thematic device from most Disney movies. One in particular that comes to mind-- as is evident in this well-put-together meme-- is Mickey and Minnie Go West. Plot: "After being ignored by his distant but now visiting relative, Uncle Moosehead, more times than he can bear, Mickey Mouse decides to explore the United States' western terrain and become a cowboy mouse. But he can't do it alone, and decides to bring along his on-again, off-again flame, Minnie, who is struggling in her own right to overcome the feeling of not mattering to her stepmother, exemplified in a gut-wrenching opening scene during which Stepmother Horse yells, 'YOU DON'T MATTER!' to a distraught Minnie. Along their travels, Mickey and Minnie discover the invaluable lesson that it's easiest to navigate 'the western terrain' of family when you only deal with the ones you like. Comforted by this notion, they strike gold in San Francisco and never return east."

Speaking of true stories ...


He died doing what he loved: Spammed in the comment thread of a nonsensical Mickey and Minnie Mouse-themed Facebook meme.



"I have no family." - Kim Sybell, emboldened by Mickey Mouse meme

"Mom? It's Kim. Listen, this jackass lawyer told me that I can't work for the parking authority unless I pay my outstanding fines, so I need $250." - Kim Sybell, tomorrow


Is this meme endorsed by God? Hard to say, but Janie Chappel makes a darn good one-word-sentence case.

(Sidebar: I've never wished this blog were more popular for the sake of my ego, only on the sporadic occasions when I wish I could reference something that would be understood by a larger audience. For example, I would love to name my fantasy baseball team this year "Bestie New Family" but who would get that? Even league members who are friends since high school don't read this blog. And if they were to ask what my team name even means it would be difficult to drive home the point that I'm not referencing my own blog-- how vain!-- but a Facebook comment I found to be absurd. Anyway, this is the life I've chosen I guess.)

This is all well and good, but are there any non-Caucasian-American, Disney-obsessed folks who are brave enough to endorse this meme?


Perfect. It's settled then: Bestie New Meme.

Monday, March 20, 2017

MSN quick links of the week



AND NOT EVEN AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR HUMAN DIGNITY

LOOKS GREAT



"AND WHILE I'M AT IT SO IS ROCK 'N ROLL AND BASEBALL HATS"

HERE SENATOR, TRY THIS NEW DEVICE THAT GIVES YOU PHONE PRIVACY IN PUBLIC

"WHAT'S A PHONE, PHONES ARE BRAINWASHING OUR KIDS"



"BUT WHAT WAS *MOST* BONKERS ABOUT THE GREAT WAR, ASIDE FROM THE KILLING AND INCREDIBLE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA FROM WHICH I HAVE NEVER RECOVERED, WAS A COOL-LOOKING MOTORCYCLE TANK THAT I HEARD ABOUT"

TELL US MORE GRANDPA




"BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO MORALS" - JAY LENO

"BECAUSE YOU'RE BRITISH" - ALSO JAY LENO

"BECAUSE I WAS BORN THIS WAY" - LADY GAGA

"BECAUSE YOU NEED BRACES" - MY DENTIST

" ????? " - MEDICAL DAILY



YEAH THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF

NEXT WEEK: JADA PINKETT SMITH REACTS TO FABIO'S ULCER



AND BY CHILDHOOD NOSTALGIA WE MEAN DIARRHEA

AND WHAT ABOUT NOSTALGIA FOR SENIORS

NO ONE EVER THINKS OF SENIORS ON A FIXED INCOME




K THANKS

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Spam email of the week

Subject: Do you poop less 3x per day? (you?re dying a slow death -URGENT)

Pretty liberal with the use of the “URGENT” tag there. What are you going to do when you have to warn our nation’s poopers who are susceptible to a quick death?

And to answer your question: Like any red-blooded American male, I could go four days without pooping at all, and have days where I poop 17 times before lunch. Should I average this out?

Click HERE

Nope.

By eating this one weird food, can you really REVERSE & RESTORE your internal digestive system that may be stewing in rotting feces & disease, slowly killing you?

Stop—you had me at stewing in rotting feces. Also, are you asking me? Because I don’t know. I just got here. I thought you were going to tell me.

This really works: It’s the #1 most important discovery in the last 25 years!

Didn’t NASA just discover seven Earth-like planets? Did that push “one weird food” down the list at all? No? OK. “It’s the #1 most important discovery in the last 25 years!” sounds like a Trump tweet after he realized Obama was tapping his phones. So obviously this is legit.

This frightening new report show how this toxic mess, AKA “The Silent Killer”, stored for years inside your colon, leaks out & poisons your cells and other organs!
  1. What frightening report? You haven’t linked to anything, and I don’t see a bibliography. I want to read the frightening report.
  2. “The Silent Killer” is also how we good folks describe the farts that result from the very conditions you outline. Are you saying we’ll have to give up silent farts? I’m not sure we’re willing to make that sacrifice.
  3. All of these typos are theirs, FYI.
Fact is,

Yes, please tell me the facts.

research shows that a simple 7-second trick added to your morning routine can literally REVERSE & ELIMINATE this “Silent Killer” F-A-S-T!

Yes, literally. Not in the figurative or metaphoric sense, like when we say “REVERSE & ELIMINATE this ‘Silent Killer’ F-A-S-T!” and we are referring to our least favorite baseball player from our favorite baseball team grounding into a double play. Also, few terms bolster the notion of “research” better than “weird” and “trick.”

To unsubscribe, click here.

“To unsubscribe from receiving additional ominous warnings about your pooping habits, click here.”

I didn’t click. Just in case.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Facebook meme of the week


This is good stuff right here. I'm usually critical of the random cartoon characters placed into these memes, but I feel like this frog works pretty well for the sentiment. I've seen this frog on a lot of these memes and I don't know where it's from. Am I supposed to? It seems British. I just Googled "who is that weird cartoon frog" and it didn't yield the desired results. If anyone knows, please don't tell me because I've already lost interest. On to the comments!


This is the very first comment in the thread, and I sincerely hope we come across George's initial mistake later on. Whatever the error was, I like how he bravely recovered and persisted in his steadfast intention to comment on this weird frog/shit meme. "Forgive my error in this dialogue; what I meant to say was ..." That said, I'm unsure how being reincarnated as soft toilet paper will help him in any way, as he will still be used to wipe butts and the comfort level will only be realized by the wiper. It's tough to argue, however, that it wouldn't be gross to be used on men's butts. Women's poop is much less poopy. Sexual even? I'm speaking for George here, not myself.


I'm pretty sure we found the first weird frog/shit meme with a comment thread that should come with a spoiler alert. He should have made a joke about Wolverine using toilet paper because, seriously! How does he even do it? lol Anyway, it's hard NOT to believe, based on his profile pic, that Ryan isn't dropping this comment in threads across the internet, indifferent to its relevance or lack thereof. I commend that.


I'm not sure "bulletproof" is an apt word to describe toilet paper, but I don't blame Ronald for using this opportunity to wax nostalgic about the glory of old fashioned toilet paper.

Girl: Grandpa, what were things like when you were a kid?

Grandpa: Back in MY day the toilet paper was bulletproof! Made yer hiney bleed real good! And one handful of toilet paper would get ya' through the whole week! And when it was finally full of poop we'd take it out back and shoot it until it died. But it took a while! Tough sonofabitch. Toilet paper today is too soft!

With a frog profile pic and an obvious affection for TP through the years, my guess is that Ronald will have a difficult time finding a meme that better represents his varied interests. So this one's for you, Ron. Enjoy it.


Thank you for the technicality on this meme, Bradley. "Actually, even though I do love pizza very much, I cannot, in fact marry it, because it's an inanimate object and cannot express its consent. Duh!" - Bradley Mathews, 3rd grade


We might be taking liberties with the term "very well said" on this 10-word frog meme in which 30% of the words are "shit" and "toilet paper." I'm also unsure we can value the opinion of what is and what is not well said from someone who uses the most random capitalization I have seen in quite some time. I mean, how is "frankly" not capitalized when it's so close to Frank?


And there is George's first take. Not his strongest, obvs, but let he who hasn't hit the wrong button while attempting to comment on a frog/poop meme cast the first stone.


I think you mean "wiping," but your point is well received. (It is not.)


Feels like we're losing steam here.


OK yeah, we're done. It was fun while it lasted! (It was not.)

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Spam email of the week

CONFIDENCIAL MESSAGE FROM FEDERAL RESERVE BANK…

Email is the best means to receive confidential correspondence from the Federal Reserve, and spelling “confidential” incorrectly is a clever way to shake imposters off our trail. This all checks out.

(I realize such sarcasm played better during former administrations. It’s more likely than ever that I would actually receive a misspelled email directly from the fed. At least this one isn’t titled “Re: Does Frank have the nuklear codes?”)

Sir. Sylvester Carlos 

If my name were Sir Sylvester Carlos, I would definitely want that to be part of my email handle. SirSly@Carlos.fed or something. That said, I imagine the opportunity to have the very first email address with quotation marks was too big to pass up.

Also, Sylvester—“Sir” is not an abbreviation and doesn’t require a period. I don’t hold this against you; you’re a knight, not an English teacher.

Dear Respected Customer,

You know me well. I used to be the Respect Director, after all.

My Name Is Mr. Sylvester Carlos,

Mister? What gives?

And I Am Reaching Out To You Regarding A Recent Consolidation Of Your Bank Funds. Your Compensation Files From Four World Banks Were Compiled Earlier This Month And Submitted To Me For Review, Your Accrued A Trust Sum Of $15,500,000.00 Usd.

OK yes, that sounds like my bank funds.

Why is this entire email written like the title of novel?

We Attempted To Contact You Multiple Times, And Hope This Gets To You.

“In this coming-of-age debut, We Attempted to Contact You Multiple Times: Hope This Gets to You, author Sir Sylvester Carlos presents a series of letters to a love unrequited, a collection that is both deeply tragic and mystifyingly bizarre.” New York Times

Anyway, now that you mention it, I do recall receiving several phone calls that began, “Hello, I’m looking for Respected Customer,” but I hung up because it seemed like a spam call for some reason. My bad.

Because You Had Not Claimed Your Trust Before The International Fund Transfer Changes In  2016, Your Account Was Compiled And Locked As A Non-Deductible Escrow Account At The Federal Reserve Bank. This Account Is In Your Name, And Requires Accreditation Before We Can Release The $15,500,000.00 Trust.

Silly me—I forgot to claim my $15 million trust again! Thank you for this email heads up, preesh.

In Order To Speed Up The Process,

The one thing this process is lacking—other than clarity, legitimacy, and any basis in reality—is speed.

I Have Conducted A Thorough Verification Process To Confirm That You Are The Individual Attached To This Account. I Have Also Confirmed That You Have Fulfilled All The Necessary Obligations And Have A Proper Credit Rating To Enable The Release Of Your Payment Into A Personal Account Of Your Choice.

The end result of this thorough verification process is an email that begins, "Dear Respected Customer." Also, my buddy at Equifax told me that one thing which is def helping my credit score is my account that has FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLARS.

The Trust Fund Has Been Authorized For Release By The Federal Reserve Bank, Which Has Your Registered Consolidated Account. You Are Approaching A  Three Year Non-Response, And Your Fund Will Be Released Back To The Four Banks If You Do Not Contact Our Office Within The Next Four Weeks.

This seems like the way things work. In a way, I feel like the four banks probably deserve the money more than I do, a reward for their patience having dealt with my non-response for three years and all. SORRY, BANKS.

The Federal Reserve Bank Utilizes A Secured Macro Transfer System,

Oh ya’ll use Macro? That’s dope. My last Four World Banks Consolidated Trust Fund used the Transfer-O-3000 System which, as I’m writing it out, seems kind of risky.

And Your Funds Can Be Transferred In 2-5 Days If You Reply To This Authorized Email With The Following Information. The More Information You Provide, The Quicker The Approval Process Will Be Completed.

This is an interesting note considering a) all of the below information is marked required, and b) this once again indicates that the quickness of the transaction transcends the transaction itself, which would normally leave me skeptical, although Sir/Mr. Sylvester Carlos has earned my trust with his thorough verification.

First Name*:
Last Name*:
Residential Address*:
City*:
State*:
Country*:
Occupation*:
Email Address*:
Phone Number*:
Gender*:
Birthday*:
Marital Status*:

DEAR BANKS, IN ORDER TO TRANSFER MY $15 MILLION I UNDERSTAND YOU NEED TO KNOW MY GENDER. I AM A DUDE. THANK YOU.
LOVE, RESPECTED CUSTOMER

If You Prefer To Receive Your Funds On A Pre-Loaded Visa Card,

Yes, please put my $15 mill on a gd Visa card. And “pre-loaded” is definitely a term human beings use to describe bank cards.

We Could Ship Your Card To Your Address. Please Note That Cards Have A Daily Withdrawal Limit Of  $10,000 Usd. We Can Also Write You A Draft Check, Which Can Be Deposited In Any Bank.

I would like to test that theory by taking my $15 million check signed off by Sir Sylvester Carlos to any bank.

I Anticipate Your Timely Response Before The Account Deactivates.

This feels like Mission Impossible, the one where I am Tom Cruise and you are Sylvester Carlos, so … the fourth one? Either way, I AM AMPED.

Thank You,

Sir. Sylvester Carlos
President And Chief Executive Officer
Federal Reserve Bank Of North Carolina
Phone;+1(910) 430-5611

Well, Sylvester Carlos is a sir again, so that’s a relief. The “Federal Reserve Bank of North Carolina” is less reassuring, however.

Note: According To Our Agreement With The Assigned Legal Solicitor From The Imf And Un, All Our Communications Should Be On E-Mail, Or Sms +1(910) 430-5611 For Record Purpose.

This adequately addresses my earlier concerns about this notice being sent via email. I have zero questions.

Thursday, March 02, 2017

MSN quick links of the week

WHAT'S TODAY, THURSDAY

OK I NEED 40 FLAVORFUL EGG RECIPES, 6 BIGGEST RIPPLE EFFECTS, 8 CARS WITH CONNECTIVITY FEATURES, 16 CHRISSY TEIGEN RECIPES, AND 35 HOMEMADE HACKS FOR PACKAGED SNACKS

IF ONLY I COU-


WOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY

MSN: HOW ABOUT THANK YOU

THANK YOU

ALSO

GOURMANDIZE CEO: HOW DO WE HACK A SNACK

INTERN: DOES A SNACK NEED HACKING? I THINK YOU JUST EAT IT

GOURMANDIZE CEO: LOL YOU ARE SO NAIVE, WE DON'T GET CLICKS WITH ARTICLES LIKE "ONE WAY TO EAT A SNACK"

INTERN: OH

GOURMANDIZE CEO: DOES ANYONE KNOW IF TRISCUITS CAN BE USED FOR CROWN MOULDING

INTERN: HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF EATING OREOS OUT OF THE PACKAGE LIKE AN A$$HOLE YOU STACK THEM ON A PLATE LIKE A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING

GOURMANDIZE CEO: OK NOW WE'RE TALKING-- BARB, ARE YOU WRITING THIS DOWN

OH I ALMOST FORGOT, I ALSO NEED 7 MYTHS



HOLD UP ARE YOU SAYING THAT DRESSING LIKE POPEYE AND JAZZERCISING WITH MY CREW WILL *NOT* RESULT IN ME LOSING FOUR POUNDS?

THIS HAS BEEN A LIFE WASTED

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE




IS THAT GOOD OR BAD

SHOULD I BE SHOCKED AND INDIGNANT OR PLEASANTLY SURPRISED

DAMMIT FOOTWEAR NEWS, YOU'VE FORCED MY HAND TO CLICK ONCE AGAIN




I THINK I SAW THIS DOCUMENTARY ALREADY




I RODE A WHALE UNDER A RAINBOW IN HAWAII ONCE

IT WAS EH




OH THAT'S COOL I GUESS




RIP PRESIDENT OPRAH WINFREY

THE NEWS CYCLE CANNOT CATER TO YOUR FICKLE WHIMS, OPRAH WINFREY

(BUT LET US KNOW IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND)




THIS IS THE MOST NEWS ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WON'T HAPPEN IN FOUR YEARS THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN



ALL CELEBRITY DEATHS SHOULD BE FILTERED THROUGH THE CONTEXT OF CHER

BECAUSE BRIT AND JLO DIED I GUESS

I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO READ THIS

AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT CLICKING

...

...

OK FINE I'LL CLICK

(TURNS OUT EVERYONE IS ALIVE AND WELL AND THIS IS A FLUFF PIECE ABOUT CHER BEING MAD OLD)

(I REGRET CLICKING)




THE SURPRISE IS THAT THIS OLD MAN IS GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE IN VIRGINIA AND TELL YOU ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE EATING OATMEAL EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH

AND ALSO USE YOUR BATHROOM

CONGRATULATIONS VIRGINIA HOMEOWNERS

Friday, February 24, 2017

MSN quick links of the week

ME, EARLIER: I WONDER WHAT BABY NAMES ROCKED THE 1950s


ME, NOW: NICE

THINGS THAT ROCKED THE 1950s: MUSIC, THE COLD WAR, BABY NAMES

KNOW YOUR HISTORY, FAM



OH THAT'S GOOD

THAT WAS DEF WORTH A STUDY

"WEARING A PURPLE SHIRT WON'T GIVE YOU AIDS, STUDY SAYS" - FOX NEWS



EWWW




LEBRON JAMES IS AN NBA ALPHA DOG?

TOUGH SELL

I WON'T CLICK ON LINKS THAT ARE CONTRARIAN FOR CONTRARIAN'S SAKE



LISTEN I LOGGED ON TO THE INTERNET TODAY FOR TWO REASONS:

-FIND OUT IF THIS "LEBRON JAMES" GUY IS AN ALPHA DOG
-SEE IF I SHOULD I VISIT MY GYNECOLOGIST DURING MY PERIOD

AND I'M ALL OUT OF LEBRON JAMES QUESTIONS



OH NO NOT AGAIN