Friday, September 19, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Modern Business Form, ad. machine

Please fill out this modern business form to obtain your new ad machine*.

Question one:

What is your credit card number and expiration date and security code?


*there is no ad machine

Hi friend,

Who are you?

From: Elva []

Hi Elva.

To: Elva

I am also Elva? OK.

Greetings from Elva, China:-)

Elva, China is also a place? I am learning a lot about geography and me and Elva and nonsense.

This is Elva Xiao from iWANG Company Limited,

iWANG sounds like an Apple device specifically designed to send out dong pics. But when you add "Company Limited," it sounds legit, so I am on board with whatever is happening here.

who got your data on internet, sorry to disturb you a few minutes to read my presentation.

No trouble at all! My data is on the Internet for no other reason than for special moments like this. And according to the Internet data you have acquired, my name is Elva JUST LIKE YOU, which is totes correct. Everything you say is correct and good. In fact, let's run that sentence back in full, OK Elva? OK:

This is Elva Xiao from iWANG Company Limited, who got your data on internet, sorry to disturb you a few minutes to read my presentation.

Thank you, Elva, for everything. I am ready for the presentation.

iWANG focus on Ad.

Please stop the presentation. I don't need to read anything else. I want iWANG in my life. Why? Because iWANG focus on ad, that's why. End of story. What else is there to know? Nothing.

Actually? Let me read the rest of the presentation, just in case, because I was thinking that maybe I don't know what anything means.

Player and Digital Photo Frame with different sizes and series, there are a large of products on for your reference, you can visit it and let me know which item do you prefer, or tell me what's the main specification you are buying, so that I can help you accordingly.

Here are the bullet points you made to prepare for your presentation, Elva:

  • "iWANG focus on ad." start big, don't bury the lede
  • mention the website and how "there are a large of products on there," proofread for Acura see
  • say how you can visit the website (unlike other websites, which you can't visit; double-check that)
  • offer your help because instead of ordering ON the website, it's easier for humans to visit the website and then call me, Elva, a non-person, to talk about the website
  • end presentation with a wonderful expression of hope and gratitude that proves you have a strong grasp of the English language

Waiting for your comments with great thankful.

Honestly, it doesn't seem possible that this sentiment even exists. Am I dreaming? If I were you, I would ALSO be very skeptical that I've accurately recorded this spam email onto my blog. So here:

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed another installment of "Spam email of the week." As ushe, I am waiting for your comments with great thankful. Love, Elva

p.s. I broke the ad machine trying to make an ad of my butt, which is why there is no ad machine. :/

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Vamo V5 kit mod on sale

Say word - the Vamo V5 kit mod be on sale, yo? You playin'.



Vamo v5 on sale.

You ain't playin'?

Best price and good qulity.

This Vamo V5 quilt be mad quilty
Such good qulity, got me feelin' guilty

From my new single, "Vamo V5," on sale now.

What's the price?


What it look like?

This is not a quilt.


I thought you said the price was $16?

I have no idea what this is. How soon can it be shipped out?

Goods can be shipped out soon.


Please feel free to contact me any further questions.

My only question is what the hell is this.

Best Regards, Danner

Peace out, Danner, catch you on the flip.

Oh snap, the flip be here. Got another dope message from my homeboy Danner:

Subject: Re:Original Mini Nautilus $15.5 in stock

What's that, like, a Nautilus for hamsters? You KNOW I keep my hamsters lookin' fit, y'all. Be Instagrammin' my fine lookin' hamsters. Hamstagram.


Stop playin', Danner. It's me, Mike.

We have Original Mini Nautilus$15.5 in stock.

And you know this, man. What it look like?

wth seriously

Goods can be shipped out tomorrow after payment received.

Oh now you need payment up front? Damn, you changed, Danner.

Please feel free to contact me any demand.

I demand you tell me what this is. J/k I'll take the Nautilus thingee. Holla back, youngin'.

Subject: Re:Dry Herb Titan 2 $33 on sale

You did NOT cop the Dry Herb Titan 2, did you? FOR REAL? I can't even.


You cray.

Titan 2 on sale:for dry herb and wax

No sh*t the Titan 2 is for dry herb and wax, Danner, dang! You think I don't know how to dry herb and wax myself? Whatchu think, I be usin' Titan 1? Pffffffft. Please.

What it look like though?

Is the ice sculpture included?

I understand this.

This nose hair trimmer be TIGHT, son!

Me: Yo, nose hair trimmer - cut my nose hairs.

Nose hair trimmer: (cuts nose hairs)

Me: Also, what's the temperature outside? FAHRENHEIT - DON'T BE PLAYIN'.

Nose hair trimmer: (reads "375 F")

Me: Won't be needin' my quilt then, I suppose.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The great pumpkin debate, solved

There’s been a great debate raging about pumpkins, and the debate is a worthwhile one. Because pumpkins have been creeping their way into everything over the past few years – coffee, pancakes, beer, hand soap, tacos maybe, edible underwear, and jewelry. That is the list. The reason for this is, I believe, two-fold.

First, Pinterest. There are just too many ideas on Pinterest that society keeps implementing, and it’s thwarted our concept of reality. Seasonal themes have been jammed down our throat to the point that nothing happens organically anymore. By the time you even realize it’s fall, you’re wearing pumpkin-themed oven mitts and holding a batch of pumpkin muffins for which your wife got the recipe on Pinterest. (Add muffins to the list.) Fun fact: If you search “pumpkins” on Pinterest, Pinterest will explode. It’s too much. Overkill.

Second, there’s a rush to fall. And hey, listen, I get it. Fall is my favorite season, too. But maybe let’s pump the brakes a bit. I’ve noticed this on a much higher level here in the Valley than I ever did back East, where fall actually exists. Here, it’s like we’re so darn excited to get away from summer that we WILL ourselves into fall waaaaay before it’s ready. And again, I get it. But the thing is, I am not drinking this pumpkin spiced latte right now. You know why? BECAUSE IT’S 107 DEGREES OUTSIDE.

(Another thing. I think we can all agree Sam Adams’ Octoberfest is a wonderful beer. But it shouldn’t be in stores Aug. 23. Again, a rush to fall.)

What’s important to note here is the pumpkin has a shelf life unlike any other seasonal fruit (vegetable? Whatever). It’s relevant for Halloween because of Jack-o-lanterns and it also signifies Thanksgiving because those mini pumpkins are in the cornucopias the Pilgrims gave to the Native Americans in return for teaching them how to harvest normal-size pumpkins. (#history)

So, implementing pumpkins too early is as unnecessary as it is harmful. People are getting sick of pumpkins, which has accounted for this pumpkin backlash. And this is unfortunate because pumpkins don’t deserve this.

What this really all boils down to is your affection, or lack thereof, for pumpkins. Personally, I think pumpkins are fantastic. Maybe you don’t like pumpkins, and that is OK, to be wrong. As such, I am on board, generally, with all of this, provided it’s all in due time. And, like everything, in moderation.

Like pumpkin pancakes. They are great, as long as there’s a hint of pumpkin and it doesn’t taste like I’m eating a condensed-into-a-flapjack pumpkin. The pumpkin already has texture issues - don't make it worse. Pumpkin spiced latte? Sure. Maybe once a week. Not every day. If you are drinking a pumpkin spiced latte every day, you are probably going to die of fall. Pumpkin beer? Please God, no. Stop with that. Stop with THIS. You can make a beer seasonal—see Octoberfest above—without making it literal. And disgusting. Stop.

So, in conclusion, pumpkins rule. But also, everybody – chill with it. Seriously.

Thank you.

"Today" is Sept. 13 and I am sitting by the pool, but OKAY?

Note: This column appears in the 9/18 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/19 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: FW: Once again stop contacting those people


Kind Attention:

(sits up in chair, salutes computer screen)

My name is Rev. John Anderson;

As evidenced by your email address, Tell me more about yourself, REVEREND.

I am a US citizen, 51 Years Old. My residential address is as follows. 5424 Pent ridge Street Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 19143-4126, United States of America,

I'm glad we're getting this all out of the way now. This is normal. I can do small talk, too. Watch: I live in the United States of America and was born with a cleft lip. Here is my social security number and blood type. So ... do you like rock n' roll?

I am one of those people that took part in receiving Inheritance funds and Lottery funds from African banks and European banks even from many lottery organizers few years ago and they refused to pay me,

Oh, you're one of THOSE people. I heard about that, and still find it hard to believe that the African and European banks that host inheritance lotteries did not prove true to their word. Africa especially has let us down, as that continent is rolling in money and can certainly afford to pay an honest reverend his fair share.

I had paid different fees or charges of over $85,000 while in the USA trying to get my funds from those banks and lottery organizers but all to no avail.

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were being scammed.

So i decided to travel to WASHINGTON D.C USA with all my payment approval documents,and I was directed by the F.B.I. Director to contact a man called Mr. Stephen David Purchase, A BRITISH CITIZEN and a member of the UNITED NATIONS ORGANISATION (UNO) & INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUNDS (IMF) COMPENSATION AWARD COMMITTEE currently staying in United - Kingdom. I contacted him in United Kingdom and he explained everything to me.

I just looked up this movie on IMDB and here is the cast:

Rev. John Anderson: Liam Neeson
Victor: Karen Haynes
FBI Director: Jon Voight
Mr. Stephen David Purchase: Mr. Bean
Evil African Bank Manager: Denzel Washington Madea

Mr. Stephen David Purchase personally directed me on how to successfully claim my Inheritance and Lottery payment from the paying bank and right now I am the happiest man on earth because I have now finally received my funds totaling US$ 6 Million (Six Million U.S Dollars).

Well, this has been a great story! Bravo on this email, reverend, which has brought a ray of sunshine to my otherwise dull day. Congratulations on your money, and mad props to Mr. Stephen David Purchase - no doubt a legit human - for helping you get there. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get b-

Moreover Mr. Stephen David Purchase, showed me the full information of those people that are yet to receive their payments and I saw your names/your email address as one of the beneficiaries


and that is why I decided to email you to stop dealing with those people because they are not with your funds but they are only making money out of you.

It's like I've been saying for years, "If they're not with your funds, they're not your friends." No doubt I have been contacting mad peeps about these funds that I literally just found out about, and now I understand why I've gotten nowhere and I've spent $85,000 in the process. Thank goodness for kind, real people like this fake-ass reverend and Mr. Purchase, whose name is EXACTLY WHAT IMMA DO when I get pizz-aid.

I will personally advise you to contact Mr. Stephen David Purchase in United-Kingdom immediately after reading this message. You have to contact him directly on this information below:

Contact Person: Mr. Stephen David Purchase
Contact Address: No. 285 Griffiths Drive Wolverhampton WV11 2JT United Kingdom.

Hold up - he lives in the United Kingdom?

eMail ID:
Telephone Number: +44 702 406 8431

Why don't I just give you my phone number and Mr. Stephen Dav- ... honestly, do I have to say all three names every time? Is he one of THOSE people?

You really have to stop dealing with those people that are contacting you now telling you that your funds is with them because your funds is not in anyway with them, they are only taking advantage of you and they will dry you up until you have nothing left with you.

You saved my life, reverend. When my dry, withered financial body is refreshed by the flowing life of African-based beneficiary funds, I will float on a sea of money to the local Hallmark store and send you a card expressing my thanks. In the meantime, I only have one question: Should I stop contacting those people?

Once again stop contacting those people,


Thursday, September 11, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re; Foreign Supplies

I need supplies. What kind of supplies? Don't know, don't care. But they better not be from here. What am I going to tell my friends? Oh, these supplies came from Madison, Wisconsin? Please. Get out of my face with that mess. I have a reputation to uphold.

From: Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE []

Sure, why not.



We the Bahrain Tender Board is interested in business cooperation with you/company.

This is Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE at the bar:

Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE: Greetings! My tender board is interested in cooperation with you ... or your company (nods head toward friend).

Girl: (slaps Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE, walks away) 

(different girl sits down)

Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE: Is this a banana in our pocket or is business cooperation inevitable?

Girl: (throws drink in Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE's face)

It is noteworthy to note

Bring it back, please.

It is noteworthy to note

One more time.

It is noteworthy to note

Thank you.

It is noteworthy to note that the Bahrain Government is undertaking periodic re-construction/maintenance works and various supply projects through various Ministries in this fiscal year 2014 and over One Billion United States dollars has been allocated for this purpose.

This all sounds very specific and not vague. But just to be sure, let me check my textbook on recent history.

In March of 2014, the U.S. government - at the time carrying a deficit of approximately $12 trillion - allocated more than $1 billion (U.S.) to the country of Bahrain for them to, as United States Treasurer Rosa Gumataotao Rios described it, "do stuff with."

This checks out.

We are mandated to source for capable foreign companies/individuals that has the capability and integrity to supply needed products and execute same.

In turn, many lead Bahrain officials promised to filter the money back into the U.S. with false business arrangements made via terribly constructed emails to unsuspecting American civilians. One American in particular, Mike Kenny of Arizona, agreed to go "halvsies" on a Bahrain Chuck E Cheese franchise with a man claiming to be Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE. As a result, Kenny lost his life savings. Kenny, however, recounted his experience in his best-selling book, "Tuesdays with ALSAIE," which is essentially 400 pages of Kenny waiting for Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE to meet him at Chuck E Cheese.

If interested, contact me with full company/personal profile and more details will be divulge to you.

Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE: Hows about you contact us with your personal profile and I will divulge to you ... the details. (motions toward his pants)

Girl: (agrees to marry him on the spot, they live happily ever after)

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Say hello to the bad guy

The movie Up, if you’ve never seen it, is a heartbreaking-turned-heartwarming story centered around the relationship between a young, quirky boy and an elderly, bitter but really sweet man. It features balloons and a flying house, funny animals, and the type of general silliness you typically find in animated kids films.

There is a scene in the movie when, angry and frustrated by the possibility of his home being destroyed by corporate interests, the old man hits a construction worker on the head and the construction worker begins to bleed. It is our oldest daughter’s favorite part.

Yes, in a movie filled with hijinks and, again, a flying house, the only scene that truly resonated with our daughter is the one scene that featured violence. This was disconcerting.

With each movie since, we’ve witnessed an increasing fascination with and, yikes, affection for, the bad guy. When we watched Bolt, she was enamored with “the man with the green eye.” During 101 Dalmatians she asked a thousand questions about Cruella de Ville’s background. Rudolph? Pfft. Since she was 2 it’s been called “The Abonimal Snowman Show.” And if the movie doesn’t feature a bad guy per se, our daughter identifies with the most tragic part of the movie. We watched the 1960s film Pollyanna not long ago, and her favorite part was when Pollyanna FALLS OUT OF A TREE AND ALMOST DIES.

We’ve been telling our parents about these things and they’ve laughingly attempted to quell our concerns with general statements about kids being kids. Even the team of various therapists we have at our disposal, though slightly perturbed by it all, agree that a childlike morbid curiosity is not all that uncommon. My wife and I, however, remain on guard against curiosity becoming obsession.

And so it was that we took our girls to see “Peter Pan” at Arizona Broadway Theatre a few weeks ago. Since ABT is dinner theater, our youngest had her head in a bowl of pasta and was not acutely aware a show was even happening. Our oldest watched with varying degrees of interest until the introduction of one particular character.

Science may dispute that eyes can physically light up, but our daughter’s eyes LIT UP at the sight of Captain Hook. I’m talking fixated. She was—I know Peter Pan’s arrogant naïveté can be a bit much, but c’mon—rooting for him.

After the show there was only one character she wanted to meet, and as chance would have it, Captain Hook was one of only two characters—his crocodile nemesis being the other—available for introductions and pictures.

Unsurprisingly, no child in the lobby wanted anything to do with the cap’n. Except one, that is. Our daughter blew through the sea of awestruck, standing-at-a-safe-distance children and stood before the captain, her captain, looking up as if a heavenly light were shining down on him. Even Captain Hook himself was taken aback, and, with a look that implied this had never happened before, stumbled as he said, “Hi! You, uh … you look like you want ... a hug?”

You didn’t have to tell her twice, and our daughter rushed to embrace her captain while the other children shielded their eyes in horror (and that included our youngest, who clutched tightly to my leg hoping her sister wouldn’t be forced to walk the plank). There might as well have been birds singing as they spun around in their joyous embrace while the Carpenter’s “Close To You” played on the speakers. She then held on to his hook hand while we snapped a few pictures.

My wife told her mom what happened shortly thereafter and my mother-in-law, after her brief chuckle was cut short when reality registered, said, “Oh no there’s something wrong with that. You gotta do something about that.”

At least we have the happy-go-luckiness of our youngest, who, when asked by my mother-in-law how she liked the show and if she preferred Peter Pan or Captain Hook, assured her the pasta was good.


Note: This column appears in the 9/11 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/12 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, September 05, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Plastic Part Design Engineering

This is right up my alley. I work at a newspaper store.

We live with the moulds we produce

That is the most thought-provoking and inspirational statement I have ever read. How do I get this stitched on a throw pillow? Or how about a meme ...

12.Dear Sir Or Madam,

Did you make a list of at least a dozen potential salutations to which a human might be receptive, and then forget to delete the number? That is definitely what happened. I forgive you, and also - good choice! I am a sir, btw.

I am?writing?to?you to learn if you need?a good partner to make?plastic molds for you?to support?you to?be more?competitive .

Should I use the space bar here or a question mark? That is a dilemma that has plagued people who write emails for years. There's no right answer, of course - "Go with your gut" is what Strunk & White say - but what you've achieved here is a masterwork of balance. And to answer your question marks, yes - of course I need a good partner to make plastic molds for me, duh. How do you think newspapers get made, anyway? Magic? LOL

2K (2 components)
Sandwich (Stack-mold)
Gas-assisted injection
Rapid Prototyping
MIM (Metal injection moulding)

I like all types of plastic molds, obvs. BUT, gun to my head ... gotta go with the ol' sandwich stack-mold. I know, I know - pretty conservative for a mold head. But I should mention that I like mine with extra mustard, as we say in the biz. (mustard = sparkle glue)

Support to design and engineering
Moldflow adviser:
- Filling
- Warpage
- Shrinkage
Dimensional control
Mold Trials
Production of pilot runs

Person: Hello?

Me: Hi, this is Mike, from the newspaper store. Listen, we're running out of newspapers here and I need a moldflow advisor to get over here quick and warpage my sandwich mold, STAT!

Person: You got dimension control?

Me: Hell no we don't have dimension control! If we had dimension control I would have called the fire department, not ... wait, who did I call?

Person: This is Subway.

Consumer electronics
Food & Packaging


And many others


We are constantly looking for better solutions – to the benefit of our customers.
Looking forward to participating in your next projects!

We have many upcoming projects revolving around plastic molds for which we welcome your eager participation. We don't want to make any mistakes. After all:

I made this meme at work, btw.