Friday, September 16, 2016

On a car

A while back, my father-in-law was regaling to us a story about how Uber had failed him. It’s important to note that he only reluctantly agreed to try Uber on his son’s, my brother-in-law Matt’s, recommendation. These types of situations tend to go one of two ways: my father-in-law has success with the recommendation immediately, admits his skepticism was misinformed, and swears by said thing for the rest of his life (see: Apple products, "Homeland," Federal Pizza in Phoenix), OR you may never mention that thing again because it is the worst and it is dead to him (see: everything else).

Anyway, the gist of the story is this: My father-in-law contacted Uber to pick him up somewhere in the city; the Uber driver was having difficulty finding him; my father-in-law ended up getting in a vehicle that, for some reason, he thought was Uber but wasn’t; and he ultimately got charged $50 for canceling the Uber ride he had originally arranged. You might imagine how he feels about Uber.

Actually, you might, literally, imagine how he feels about Uber because throughout this story he kept referring to the company as something else altogether: Hoober or, more accurately, Hubert, with a heavy emphasis on the “H.” During this retelling, Matt initially corrected this pronunciation but—to our amusement—it was willfully ignored and repeated throughout. We privately chalked it up to my father-in-law’s Italian accent. Near the end of the story, as we approached the inevitable climax that proved my father-in-law was not in the wrong (he kind of was), he frantically searched for concrete evidence of such. Thankfully, he found a text proclaiming his innocence:




There is a lot to love about this, not the least of which is the mental imagery of my father-in-law sitting on top of a car named Hubert. It mostly, however, serves to account for the confusion that took place during this incident. Here is Uber looking for my father-in-law, while my father-in-law remains engaged in a frantic search for Hubert. It’s a wonder he made it home at all, much less in a vehicle that, to my knowledge, does not exist.

This could potentially mean that, in my father-in-law’s estimation, there is hope yet for Uber, although it’s highly unlikely. Suffice it to say, Hubert is dead.

If you would like to learn more about my father-in-law -- and why wouldn't you? -- please buy this book. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



I HAVE ONE REQUEST AFTER YOU ARE DONE LOLLING AT THIS EXCELLENT MEME

PLEASE DON’T LET THE SPELLING OF THIS MEME DISTRACT YOU FROM THE EQUALLY ADEPT PHOTOSHOP WORK ON THE MINION’S GLOVE AND BOOT

NOW WHO ELSE OUT THERE HAS TRIPPED AND BLAMED IT ON A SAD FLOOR



“BACK IN THE DAY I USED TO TRIP ON THINGS BUT THIS CANDY IS ALL GROWN UP NOW, I HAVE A SMURF AVATAR AND COMMENT ON MINION MEMES WITH EMOJIS”



YES I BELIEVE THAT IS THE SAYING



WHO REMEMBERS DA TIME WEN A-RON TRIPPED OVER DA STEP IN CREATIONS

LIFE IS BUT A COLLAGE OF SUCH PRECIOUS MEMORIES



THE WINNER IS VIRGINIA



HELLO BETSTROM RU WELCOME TO THE PARTY






“NOT GREAT DREW, JUST FELL ON MY FACE AND THEN POSTED WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A HILARIOUS COMMENT BEFORE I READ THE OTHER COMMENTS

ANYWAY HOW ARE YOU”



REMIX



(FLIPS FURIOUSLY THROUGH MY CALENDAR OF TRIPS)

OMG ZOLTON LUKAS I TRIPPED AT CHUCK-E-CHEESE THE SAME TIME ON THE SAME EXACT DAY I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS WHAT ARE THE ODDS



THAT FACE YOU MAKE WHEN YOU TRY TO STRETCH AN ALREADY DUMB SCENARIO BEYOND ITS LIMITS AND A TYPO MAKES YOU COME ACROSS AS AN INCOHERENT CRAZY PERSON



IF I HAD THE PHOTOSHOP SKILLS OF THIS MEME-MAKER I WOULD TAKE A BITE OUT OF HELEN'S HEAD



OMG HERE WE ARE LAUGHING AND NO ONE HAS THOUGHT TO CHECK AND SEE IF THIS MINION IS OK



CHRIS: (TRIPS)

ELSE: LOL HAVE A NICE TRIP SEE YOU NEST FALL

CHRIS: IT’S NEXT FALL ASSHOLE

ELSE: UH WRONG, IT’S NEST FALL BECAUSE FALL IS WHEN THE FAMOUS TRIPPING BIRD BUILDS ITS NEST

CHRIS: YEAH WELL I DIDN’T EVEN TRIP THIS FLOOR NEDDED A HUG

ELSE: IT’S NEEDED ASSHOLE

CHRIS: UH WRONG, IT’S NEDDED BECAUSE … I JUST … OK FINE YOU WIN THIS ROUND, WILL YOU AT LEAST HELP ME UP

ELSE: HA OK SURE, LIKE I ALWAYS SAY YOU ARE ACCIDENT GOING SOMEWHERE TO HAPPEN



IF DEBBIE GAY FALLS IN THE CHICKEN HOUSES BUT NO ONE IS THERE TO SEE IT DID SHE REALLY GIVE THE GROUND A HUG

KIND OF MAKES YA’ THINK

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



THIS IS AS FUNNY AS IT IS TIMELY

THANK YOU DAVE’S WORDS OF WISDOM FOR THE LOLZ

“PEOPLE KEEP ASKING IF I’VE SEEN PRECIOUS WOW I DIDN’T KNOW THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT MY BASEBALL CARD COLLECTION”

YOU CAN USE THAT IF YOU WANT DAVE

ANYWAY WHO ELSE IS ENJOYING THIS MEME



I RESPECT YOUR OPINION



APPROPRIATE REACTION

YOU SHOULD READ ALLIE BROSH I BET YOU WILL ENJOY IT AND GET IT

BECAUSE OF YOUR GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR



YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, A NATURAL GREY REALLY SHOWS D JEWELS

I HEARD THEY ALSO SHOWED D JEWELS IN THE MOVIE



MAYBE YOU’RE USING THE WRONG DIR



THANK YOU RUSSELL

YOUR INPUT HAS BEEN INVALUABLE



YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHY YOU WERE DYEING YOUR HAIR UNTIL YOU SAW THIS MEME

THEY SHOULD PUT YOU ON THE NEWS



A+ COMMENT



“I WILL NOT CUSS EVEN IN ACRONYM FORM AND EVEN WHEN FACED WITH UNDENIABLE HILARITY THAT THREATENS TO OBLITERATE WHAT RESTRAINT I HAVE LEFT” – CLEAH WALKINSHAW



NO THANK *YOU* FOR THE ODD COMMENT



LOOKS LIKE THIS MEME JUST RECEIVED THE DONNA RUKIN STAMP OF APPROVAL

CONGRATULATIONS DAVE

WELL DESERVED

Monday, August 29, 2016

Inspiration

Our girls have a tendency to pass notes to each other during times of conflict—see here:


—and distress. We came to discover that, when they are sent to their rooms for any of the wide range of infractions they commit daily, they’ve been secretly escaping, if only to slide notes under each other’s doors. My first assumption was that these notes were a means to continue the pointlessly bizarre argument that earned them room time in the first place, but I was mistaken. They are actually notes of encouragement (!). It’s as if they are bound to the walls of a maximum security prison, and whatever energies they spent on crime must now be expended more selflessly, to ensure that all hope is not lost.

This was certainly the nature of the best note we found (the name cross-outs are mine):






Don’t go too far away from your dreams

It’s a marvelous, inspiring, 30 Rock-esque sentiment, made more impressive by the correct spelling of “too.” I darn near shed a tear on this one. It’s true that being hopelessly confined to a room full of books and toys for like seven minutes might compromise the very dreams that sustain us all. The fact that our 7-year-old felt this deep in her soul, and that through her own hardship she was able to draw strength and empathy for the plight of her sister is just … it’s just freakin’ wonderful, alright?

It’s just freakin’ wonderful.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



THEY RECYCLED THIS MEME BUT THIS TIME IT DOESN’T HAVE AN EGREGIOUS ERROR

[SAD FACE]

BUT IT DOES HAVE PAPA SMURF

[HAPPY FACE]



#SOCIALISSUES

AND YET YOU ARE STILL SMARTER THAN PEOPLE WITH PETS

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO MMMM (H/T C&C MUSIC FACTORY)



"CURRENTLY I DERIVE FULFILLMENT FROM COMMENTING ON PAPA SMURF MEMES ON THE INTERNET ... IT DOESN'T PAY AS WELL BUT AT LEAST I'VE MAINTAINED MY DIGNITY" - JULIE N LIAM TAPIA



ARE THESE “HIGHER CLASS” OF PEOPLE ASKING YOU TO REPEAT YOURSELF SLOWLY BECAUSE YOU ARE FORGETTING TO INJECT IMPORTANT WORDS INTO CONVERSATION



“THEY BUILT THIS COUNTRY … THEY BUILT THIS COUNTRY FROM THE SCHOOOOOOL OF LIFE” TO THE TUNE OF “WE BUILT THIS CITY” STAT

BTW DOES THE SCHOOL OF LIFE OFFER A GRAMMAR 101 PROGRAM OR NAH



GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY

MORE LIKE ASS-IMILATED AMIRITE



WE’RE GETTIN’ DEEP INTO CONSPIRACY THEORY TERRITORY ON THIS PAPA SMURF MEME FOLKS

MIGHT WANT TO PUT A SHIRT ON FOR THIS ONE


YOU TOO BILL



BOOM ROASTED

OH AND BY THE WAY BILL LEARNED TO SPELL CAPILIZATION IN THE SCHOOL OF LIFE



ANDREW SMITHSON: (SEES PAPA SMURF COMMON SENSE MEME ON FACEBOOK) HMMM THAT’S A TOUGH ONE I BELIEVE THIS REQUIRES SOME REFLECTION

(MONTAGE OF ANDREW SMITHSON THINKING, WALKING ALONG SHORELINE, LYING AWAKE IN BED, LISTENING INTENTLY TO DRIFTERS AT STARBUCKS, READING A BOOK ENTITLED COMMON SENSE VS. EDUCATION, BY PAPA SMURF WHILE ON THE TOILET)

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

ANDREW SMITHSON: UPON REFLECTION…COMMON SENSE ...



HOW MANY PRETEND SCHOOLS ARE THERE WHERE I CAN OBTAIN VAGUE KNOWLEDGE TO SUPPLEMENT WHAT I LEARNED AT ACTUAL SCHOOLS

SO FAR I HAVE

  • SCHOOL OF LIFE
  • SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS
  • SCHOOL OF KISS MY HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA BUTT




OK I GUESS



I JUST



LOL THAT KILLS ME TOO

OMG

I CAN DEFINITELY CHANGE THE TONER

IT’S EASY

I MEAN

SOMETIMES I HAVE TO ASK CATHY TO H-



BUT THEN SHE DIED (?)



I AGREE WITH JACKIE POPP ARKANSAS



DON’T LEAVE ME HANGIN’ MICHAEL HARPER

WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THIS ISSUE

THAT COMMENT WAS A RECIPE FOR SUCCESS

THANK YOU EVERYONE

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Facebook meme of the week


MY ONLY REGRET IS NOT BEING ABLE TO LIKE THIS HARDER

#BAREFEETMEMES



THERE GOES VICKI J TALLEY “TENDERFOOT” HENSON

HER DAD WAS A TOUGH DISCIPLINARIAN BUT HER ADULT-ONSET SOFT FEET MADE IT ALL WORTH IT



THROWBACK THURSDAY TO THE TIME CAROL MCCUE NELSON SLEPT AT ANN JORGENSEN HEBERER’S HOUSE AND THEY WASHED THEIR FEET

HOW DOES NOSTALGIA GET A BAD RAP



“COVER ME, I’M ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE MY WIDE-FOOT DISEASE AND ALSO DISPARAGE CHINA IN THIS BARE FEET MEME COMMENTS THREAD” – SHEILA



TREI GOMEZ: (CLIMBING MOUNTAINS BARE FOOTED)

TREI GOMEZ'S WIFE: (RUSHES OUT OF FRONT DOOR OF MOUNTAIN SHACK) TREI! TREI!

TREI GOMEZ: WHAT WOMAN? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M CLIMBING MOUNTAINS BARE FOOTED I HATE SHOES

TREI GOMEZ'S: THEY JUST POSTED A MEME TO FACEBOOK, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS

TREI GOMEZ: THIS BETTER BE GOOD ...




GOOD STUFF



YOUR DAD TOLD YOU ABRAHAM LINCOLN DIED OF FOOT BLISTERS

OTHER THAN THAT HOW WAS THE PLAY

“WELL LIKE I SAID IT WAS OK EXCEPT FOR THE FOOT BLISTERS” – MRS. LINCOLN

ALSO DID YOU SAY YOU WALKED ON A HOT ROAD WHILE PREGGERS

THAT IS HELLA IRRESPONSIBLE IMO



YEAH RIGHT WHAT'S HIS NAME SHOELESS JOE JACKSON, MAN I HATE WHEN PEOPLE LIE ABOUT HAVING SHOELESS FRIENDS JUST TO IMPRESS

BE ALL LIKE "SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS HATE SHOES!"

PFFT



I ALSO HATE WHEN PEOPLE SEE A BARE FEET MEME AS A WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY TO PROMOTE THEIR BLACK MARKET MOVIE LINKS

SHEESH

I MEAN REALLY




...


(WATCHES “BAD MOMS”)