Showing posts from October, 2008

Classic card of the week

Tyrone Calico, 2005 Topps

The only thing better than one Tyrone Calico is two Tyrone Calicos. (Three is just too much Tyrone Calico, as you could imagine.) That is why this is probably -- maybe, haven’t quite decided yet, because there are so many to choose from, but probably -- my favorite Tyrone Calico card. This card speaks to me. And this is what it says:

I’m Tyrone Calico, wide receiver for the Tennessee Titans. Don’t believe me? Check the inset. That’s me. Now stop staring at me. I hate you.

Whoa, Tyrone Calico! Why the animosity? Maybe the back of the card can explain:

Tyrone led the Titans in receiving in the 2004 preseason, but then hurt his knee.

The end.

For real though -– Calico pretty much never played after that. The Titans honored the short career of Tyrone Calico by first, a) cutting him, and then, b) never using a wide receiver ever again. Also, the back of the card fails to mention how he hurt his knee. Thankfully, Wikipedia exists:

After a knee injury caused by a horse-co…

Cards take road baggage on the road again

Note: This column appears in the 10/30 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 10/31 issue of the Peoria Times

Last Sunday, after the St. Louis Rams were narrowly defeated by the defending Super Bowl champions New England Patriots, the headline for the game recap on was: “Faulk grab lifts Patriots over Rams; St. Louis streak ends” I found this amusing because the “streak” being referred to was the two-game winning streak the Rams had enjoyed under the tutelage of newly anointed head coach Jim Haslett, which is the absolute bare minimum of consecutive wins that can logically be considered a “streak.” Not exactly DiMaggio-esque.

Meanwhile, the Arizona Cardinals are on a streak of their own -- a brutal one-game losing streak. They are also on a one-hundred game (approximation) road-losing streak, which is why this upcoming game on Sunday in St. Louis has to scare you if you’re a Cardinals fan.

As dumb as the aforementioned headline was, the Rams are a vastly different, and muc…

I can't believe it any more than you can...

...but nevertheless, for anyone interested, I'll be appearing on the Andrew Tallman Show on 1360 AM at around 5 o'clock this afternoon to discuss this post. You can listen online here.

Classic card of the week

Michael Cage, 1990 NBA Hoops

I’d like to begin the 2008-09 NBA season by paying respects to a team that is no longer with us: The Seattle Supersonics. It is appropriate, then, that we present to you the undisputed greatest player ever in Seattle Supersonics' history: Michael Jerome Cage.

My friend Eric sent me this gem months ago, under the subject title: How about some jheri curl action? To that question, I responded, in my head, “Well alright, sure, I guess. I am not certain what that means at this present moment, but allow me to click on this email and possibly discover what it is that Eric is referring to…” Then it was like, splid-OW! Jheri curl action. In my face. All the time. I was happy.

It has been said, “Once you’ve seen one jheri curl, you’ve seen them all.” (-Plato) Michael Cage would beg to differ. In fact, this is probably my favorite of all time. Why? Because it’s the one I’m looking at right now. I’m very fickle when it comes to my jheri curls; one day it’s Melido, th…

Cards remain reluctant to become road warriors

Note: This column appears in the 10/23 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 10/24 issue of the Peoria Times

I have to admit, I have been curiously amused by what now has become an almost indisputable fact: that Ken Whisenhunt made a crucial mistake a month ago in keeping his team on the east coast for two weeks instead of coming home, which ultimately resulted in a 56-35 loss to the New York Jets.

The idea that grown men who play football for a living cannot adequately function after “unnecessarily” being deprived of the comforts of home for an additional week is ludicrous. I also love how labeling this a mistake implies that the Cardinals would have beaten the Jets if they would have just come home first. As if the Cardinals deserve any benefit of the doubt when it comes to winning on the road.

The reason the Cardinals lost to the Jets is not because nobody was around to tuck them in at night the week prior -- it’s because they haven’t yet learned how to win on the road. It’s the same re…

Classic card of the week

Wade Boggs, 1999 Fleer

I’m uncertain how many more “classic” baseball cards I’ll be able to squeeze in here before the season is over. And if this is going to be one of the last ones of 2008 -- or, possibly the last -- I wanted to go out with a bang. So with that it mind, I decided to post this amazingly exciting card featuring Wade Boggs putting his batting helmet away. Can you even stand it?!

There are so many exciting things going on here. For example, look at all those bats! All different colors, and lengths, and possibly weights. Which one would YOU choose? It’s so hard to decide. Also, look who is standing next to Wade Boggs -- none other than the Crime Dog himself, Fred McGriff! And he’s just standing there like nothing is going on -- like he’s NOT standing right next to Wade Boggs! And there’s ol’ Boggsie, acting like HE’S not right next to Fred McGriff! I’ll tell ya' -- baseball players are so freakin’ cool. Also, if you look really hard, to the right of Boggs in the backgr…

Cardinals continue to prove that they’re no joke

Note: This column appears in the 10/16 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 10/17 issue of the Peoria Times

As many of you may have noticed by now, the purpose of this column is less to inform than it is to entertain. Whether or not it is working is up to you to decide, but I can only hope that I haven’t informed anyone of anything.

As for me? I am struggling. For the past two months or so I have been writing about the Arizona Cardinals, and I will continue to do so for the remainder of their season, which hopefully, for Cardinals’ fans, ends later than sooner. But let me tell you something -- for someone who attempts, each week, to add a little dose of humor into a discussion about Cardinals football, this has become quite a challenge.

Why? Because the Cardinals are not funny. (Another reason could be that I am not funny. I will accept both answers.) I was led to believe that this team was comical in its dealings and in its misfortune, but that does not appear to be the case.

For examp…

Classic card of the week

Jake Plummer, 2000 Upper Deck

During this rare time of Arizona Cardinals’ mediocrity, I say we take a step back and remind ourselves that the Cardinals actually used to be very mediocre. It’s difficult to remember this now -- if you have zero long-term memory -- but once upon a time the Cardinals employed a quarterback named Jake “the Snake” Plummer. His nickname was “the Snake” because a) he played in the desert, where snakes live, b) “snake” rhymes with Jake, and every person named Jake who has ever lived has, at some point, been referred to as Jake “the snake,” and c) he was, literally, ¼ snake.

Let’s find out more:

Most professional athletes would prefer to come out strong and not have to worry about coming back from behind.

Case in point: During a game in December of 1992, Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls fell behind the Dallas Mavericks by three points late in the second quarter. It was at this point, after a timeout, that Jordan refused to reenter the game. Afterwards, he speci…

Why I would like the Cardinals to beat the Cowboys

Note: This column appears in the 10/9 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 10/10 issue of the Peoria Times

There are so, so many reasons why I want the Arizona Cardinals to beat the Dallas Cowboys this Sunday. Of course, that may be a tall order, considering that there appears to be a rather vast talent gap between the two teams, and because -- since this isn’t a playoff game -- the Cowboys are less prone to choke it away. Nevertheless, a man can dream.

But why? Why do I want the Cardinals to win so badly? I mean, I’m not even a Cardinals’ fan. Hmmm…

Because two weeks ago a Cardinals’ wide receiver almost got his head knocked off going across the middle of the endzone for a pass and was taken off the field on a stretcher and later vowed not to change his aggressive style of play whatsoever. And because on that same day, a Cowboys’ wide receiver openly complained that he wasn’t getting enough passes thrown his way, even though he was targeted 20 times during the game. I’d rather have the d…

Classic card of the week

Alvaro Espinoza, 1990 Donruss

This week marks the beginning of baseball’s postseason. Noticeably absent from this years’ playoffs are the New York Yankees. But that doesn’t mean they won’t be heard from this October. Because I have a blog.

In honor of my favorite team, I proudly present to you: Yankee legend Alvaro Espinoza. (Mr. Espinoza was unable to attend the pregame ceremonies during the final game at Yankee Stadium because he had a dentist appointment. And also because he was not invited.)

Let me tell you something about Alvaro Espinoza: Every single time a Yankee fan of my generation starts talking to another Yankee fan of my generation about how big of a Yankee fan they are, and that they were a Yankee fan before the Yankees started winning all those World Series, the very first name that comes up when these two people start reminiscing about the leaner years is Alvaro Espinoza. I don’t know what this means -- it’s just a fact of life. (And also extremely annoying.)

Anyhoo, since…