Thursday, July 17, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Glendale Glitter and Glow block party rocks downtown Glendale ... 2014-06-13 3:29:35

So this initially didn't strike me as SO odd because the Glendale Glitter and Glow block party is an actual thing, something we cover and an event posted in print and online. But it was still kind of odd because the Glendale Glitter and Glow block party happens just after Christmas, and also:

From: ALan

Listen, I know to a lot of you something seemingly subtle like the first two letters of a name being capitalized can be perceived as an honest mistake, but let me tell you - as someone who's been in the spam game for a hot minute, that kind of stuff is crazeballs. Not to mention:

[alan@alan888.9299.org]

This is the most terrible email address. I hate this email address. It is offensive. I am offended.

Dear sir or madam,

Here we go.

How are you?

Ugh. Fine. I am fine, ALan. What do you want?

This is Alan from Ningbo Prolin, China.

ALan from China is emailing me about Glendale Glitter and Glow, got it.

which is professional Bar&Home ware manufacturer and supplier,barware, wine cooling... especially ice bucket,

Welcome to Ningbo Prolin! Please feel free to browse our fantastic display of barware and homeware, and PLEASE - form a single-file line near the ice buckets. We realize most of you are here to browse the ice buckets, and we only ask that you respect one another while doing so. We have plenty of ice buckets to go aroun- ... hold on, I am being told that several of our most popular ice bucket models are on backorder. EVERYONE PLEASE, MAINTAIN ORDER WHILE I CALL FOR BACKUP.

I'd like to recommend two hot-selling cup to you.

If I had a nickel.

This is classic ALan - reel you in by mentioning a Christmas show specific to your locale, and then close the deal by selling you the two hottest cup(s).

1.induction cup

  capacity:301ml-400ml

  material:plastic

  description:the cup will change color when you pouring the liquid.


Pfft, ALan, seriously, cups cannot change color while "you pouring the liquid." What is this, the future? I mean-




PUT ME DOWN FOR 30 INDUCTION CUPS.

2.size:12*5.5cm

  capacity:301ml-400ml

  description:the shape is unique


The description of this cup is: the shape is unique. I realize you just read that, but I feel compelled to remind you. Let us see if this description is accurate:




What is ... what? This cup looks like a science experiment and/or a headless rodent, but it definitely does not look like something I want to drink out of.

J/k I would definitely drink out of this:

Waiter: Which brings us to our finest red, an '86 Tuscan merlot, which is $229 per bottle; $38 per glass. Care to try?

Me: TOTES PUT ME DOWN FOR THE WHOLE SHEBANG.

Waiter: Lovely. (pulls out glass)

Me: HOLD UP THERE, CHIEF. GOT A BYOG SITUATION - BRING YOUR OWN GLASS. POUR MINE IN THIS BABY, IT'S FROM CHINA.

Waiter: Ummm, I just-

Me: IMMA DRINK IT OUTTA THE TAIL LOL.

We do hope there is a chance for us to cooperate with each other in the near future.

If a weird cup manufacturer from China can't cooperate with a newspaper publications manager in Glendale, Arizona, then I'm sorry, but I've lost my faith in mankind.

Any questions,let me know.

I have nothing but.

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