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Showing posts from July, 2006

Classic card of the week

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Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck

Kenny Rogers didn’t always hate cameramen. In fact, back in 1993, he would even sit for a few minutes and pose for a shot. Ya’ know, to make the job of the cameraman just a little bit easier. He was that kind of guy in 1993. No, seriously - he was! This particular pose is called the “I’m Just Happy to Be Here – Make Sure You Get My Mullet” pose. Very popular at the time. Of course, this was eventually replaced by the “Get the $#@! Out of My Face Before I Stick That Camera Up Your Ass” pose, which was slightly less popular among the cameramen community (population: 12). You can tell by his face that Kenny Rogers has no idea he’s about to go to the Yankees for two straight years of sub par pitching. Look – he’s clueless! You’ve been punk’d, Kenny Rogers! Ha, ha! Actually, wait – we’ve been punk’d. Whatever. Kenny Rogers also has very large eyebrows, but they remain excellently groomed, as you can see. Legend has it that Rogers had to comb his ‘brows with the…

John Sterling update: Still not very good

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Last summer, I detailed the inadequacies of John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman, the fumbling radio broadcasting team of the New York Yankees. Since last season was their first together, and because I’m a nice guy, I thought I was pretty diplomatic in my assertion. I detailed the positives and negatives of both. In fact, here’s a short recap:

Sterling:
Positives: good voice
Negatives: everything else

Waldman:
Positives: not nearly as exhausting as Sterling
Negatives: bad voice, virtually nonexistent

So, yeah…that was basically it. But now it’s one year later and honestly, I can’t take it anymore. Forget about Waldman – she’s just a necessary evil in the booth/world of John Sterling, as evidenced by his innate ability to simply ignore her, or, to casually yet condescendingly disagree with her. Whatever. My beef here is with Sterling. I mean, how many more seasons do we Yankee fans have to endure with this guy? Seriously? How many?

With that in mind, let’s take a deeper look at the reasons behind m…

Classic card of the week

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Jacquez Green, 2000 Fleer

There are few things as artistic as the self-portrait in which the subject looks pensively forward, while another version of the subject plays football in the background. I think it was Picasso who said that. Whatever the case, Jacquez Green is gangsta. Straight up gangsta. Do you know another player who rocks the 100 percent cotton skullcap in the 90-degree Tampa heat? “Yeah, it be hot as a mo fo in TB, but it get cold as mo fo up in Philly. Ya’ heard?” Do you know another player who can kill someone on the other team just by looking at them? “Hey, do my contacts look alright? Bam – you’re dead. Fool.” Do you know another player who only wears the “breathe-right” strip as a means of stealing oxygen from the opposition? “Do I LOOK like I need help breathing? I just returned a punt 95 yards for a touchdown, and I held my breath the whole time, just for fun. Now go fetch my thigh pads, bitch.” Obviously, this card would have been even that much cooler (if you ca…

Classic card of the week

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*Special Friday edition
George Bell, 1989 Baseball Cards magazine

There are afros. There are jheri curls. And there are mullets. These are the facts of life. You pick one, and you stick with it. Well, back in 1988, George Bell said, “F#@* it. I’m going for all three.” Then, he threw in the mustache just for good measure. The results were obviously fantastic, but more importantly, this enabled George Bell to revolutionize the way baseball hats were worn. In the past, players wore hats for utilitarian reasons (i.e., to keep the sun out of their eyes, to shield them from Pterodactyls, and to cover up the effects of baldness). George Bell disagreed. Bell decided to wear his hat more like a yarmulke, so as not to disturb any of the jheri curl-ed goodness that was happening underneath. Style over substance was George Bell’s motto. (Please notice how the sun is definitely in his eyes. Look at him – does he care? He doesn’t care.) And if the hat should fly off while running after a ball headed …

A love story starring Tiger Woods

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Thursday
Announcer No. 1: Hello everyone, and welcome to the 2006 British Open here on TNT! I’m your host, Tigerlover43, and next to me here is my partner, Woodsrules89. We’re using our AOL names for these next two days because names like “John” and “Bob” are just plain boring, and do little to represent our affection for the best golfer to ever to walk the face of the earth ever. And without further ado, let’s get down to business here. Woodsrules, you saw Tiger yesterday during his practice round. How did he look?

Announcer No. 2: Vintage Tiger, Tigerlover. He looked so calm out there. I lost count after the first few holes, but I’m pretty sure he had eight holes-in-one. That’s gotta be like, a record or something. The competition better watch out!

Announcer No. 1: No doubt about that. Speaking of Tiger, here he is on the first tee. He nails his driver…Wow!…That shot must have been 400 yards! What power! It’s a little to the left…into the gallery actually…and it appears as though someo…

Classic card of the week

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Cleveland Gary, 1991 Pro Line (Portraits series)

This is Cleveland Gary, and he’s going to be on the “skins” team, okay? You got a problem with that? I didn’t think so. Cleveland lists his interests, in order, as “working out, grooming his mustache, working out, messin’ with some *#@*$!, and all types of ill &@*!.” Though many professional athletes from Scottie Pippen to John Starks have been credited with the trend, it was actually Cleveland Gary who revolutionized the early 90’s wave of wearing spandex under your shorts, except that the spandex is much longer than the actual shorts. It was shocking when that trend expired. Also, if you can’t tell from the picture, Cleveland Gary did not play for the Cleveland Garys – he played for the Rams. Apparently. I mean, that’s what it says on the back. Also on the back are some helpful hints from Cleveland. Ya’ know, for the kids. “So each Sunday you have to be prepared – there’s no half-stepping.” (Big Daddy Kane would later say, “Only Cl…

Classic card of the week

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*Special Friday edition
Mike Tresemer, 1989 Star

I am 100 percent certain that, with the possible exception of one Mike Tresemer, I am the only person on the planet in possession of this card. And honestly, I have no idea where this thing came from. It’s not a “classic card” in the sense that people are at least mildly familiar with the player. Or the team. Or the brand of card. Or anything really. But there is a great mustache, and a surplus of the color blue, and that’s gotta count for something. In fact, I’m not even sure this is a real baseball card. For starters, Mike Tresemer, according to the card, is a pitcher, yet, he is holding a baseball bat. “This is me getting ready to bunt.” Also, Tresemer appears to be a member of a team called the Memphis Chicks, which would seem like quite an effeminate name for a baseball team, especially one that features at least one great ‘stache. But upon further inspection, the “Chicks” were short for “Chickadees,” which was the name of a Native A…

Classic card of the week

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Car 26 Quaker State, 1991 Pro Set

We break from our usual “classic card” baseball theme to bring you, quite possibly, the most action-packed card ever made. This one, entitled “Car,” was the most popular card to ever come out of the Pro Set Racing Series, which is saying a lot, because a year later they would release a card where you could almost make out who the driver was. (It kind of looked like Samuel L. Jackson, but I don’t think it was.) It’s difficult to determine from the card whether “car” is a) beating the crap out of everyone, b) in dead last place, or c) running a practice lap. But one thing’s for sure – it’s got a mean front spoiler. The mindset behind the Pro Set Racing Series was simple: If there’s anything – anything – more exciting than getting drunk and watching a car drive around a track 2,000 times, it’s not getting drunk and staring at a still photo of a car driving around a track 2,000 times. And I have to admit - I was totally into the racing card circuit for a w…

Classic card of the week

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Paul Coleman, 1990 Topps

Sweet! A Bo Jackson rookie card! Wait…what’s that you say? That’s NOT Bo Jackson! What the crap are you talking about?! Well, upon further inspection, you may be correct. For example, Bo Jackson would never pose in front of his high school for a baseball card photo; he would be too busy doing Bo Jackson-type things on various fields of play, like making diving outfield catches while wearing a football helmet because he forgot to take his helmet off after a game in which he scored eight touchdowns. Take a picture of THAT, bitch! Secondly, Bo Jackson wouldn’t be using an aluminum bat, because if he ever did, we would already have our first recorded 1,000-foot home run. This dude is Paul Coleman, who, as the card specifies, is “built along the lines of Royals’ Bo Jackson.” Hey, no shit. But that’s not all. Paul is SO Bo Jackson, it’s not even funny. He’s noted for his “prodigious 500-foot home runs,” “holds the Texas state pitching record of 21 strikeouts in one g…