Showing posts from September, 2014

Subscriber feedback jamboree 2014

It’s been more than a year since we last checked in with you, our loyal subscribers, to see how you’re enjoying or not enjoying our newspaper. So, let’s do that, OK? OK.

As a refresher, our renewal notices include two sections: “I like The Glendale Star/Peoria Times because:” and “If I could change The Star/Times I would:” Let’s first examine what you all have enjoyed so far. I am changing all of your names to something ridiculous so nobody sues me for defamation and because it is fun.

Let’s start with Mertha Klonk, who likes the Times because: “I enjoy hearing our local news. It’s also good to hear of the problem areas in our town. Please continue the newsletter.” Thank you, Mertha. And great timing, too, as we were just about to cancel our newsletter before we got your note. In fact, we’ve decided to go in the other direction and start a newspaper. Wish us luck!

Mertha adds in the payment section, “Mike said he would OK a 2-yr senior citizen for $30.” Ha, ha … Mike says a lot of th…

Facebook meme of the day

Guys, I know I usually write up these memes in ALL CAPS, but this is my first country livin'-themed meme, and I want to show some respect.

I want to first show some respect by pointing out a few things pertaining to this meme's general construction:

- The picture is hella blurry.
- The words are hella big and cover up Billie Joe's hat.
- What kind of hat is Billie Joe wearing?
- The lawn does not look like it requires mowing, much less a double-mowing.

Far be it from me to question the stylings of @COUNTRYTHANG; in fact, if the terrible construction of this meme is intended to stay true to the country livin' aesthetic -- "You know 'yer a redneck if your Internet memes be lookin' like this (shows this meme)." - Jeff Foxworthy -- consider this a job well done.

That said, the thesis of this meme is well received: Jobs like mowing your own lawn don't have to feel like work if your buddy Billie Joe is sitting on your riding mower while using a push mower, re…

Spam email of the week

Subject: To:MR.subscribe,  LED Illuminated Signs,Lightbox supplier/manufacture---Greensail

I'm sorry, Mr. Subscribe? I didn't graduate from five extra years of newspaper school to be called mister. It's Dr. Subscribe, thank you very much. That said, yes, of course I need a lightbox supplier.

Dear subscribe,

The name's Mr. Subscribe; Subscribe if you're nasty. So you must be nasty. That is good. Call me Mike though.

We got your information from Internet and knew you are interested in signs products.

Many people - and by "people" I mean "non-people" - seem to be getting my information from the Internet these days. Am I so transparent? Probs. I mean, it's like, pick a social media site where I'm NOT constantly yammering on about my interest in signs products. You can't. And so what? Sue me. I like signs products. So let's do this.

Take this opportunity, please let me introduce our highly welcomed with competitive…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Payment Securement From Afghanistan

Say word.

Hello My Dear,

Hello ... Mom?

I am Gen. D. Rubben Brett,U.S. Army Officer, commanding the 3rd Battalion, 8th Marines Regiment(3/8) in Afghanistan.

Oh, OK. Got it. I forgot for a second that U.S. Army generals (who are also "officers" and who also command the Marines?) often use the very formal salutation of "Hello My Dear" when they email everyday civilians, which is a typical practice of the U.S. military. WELP, WE BE DONE OUR MILITARY EXERMACISES. BETTER EMAIL SOME RANDOMS.

ANYWAY, hello, General! Would it be inappropriate to note that your email so far is "Rubben" me the right way? Ha, ha ... I don't think it would, since nothing could surpass the inappropriateness of you emailing me in the first place. All bets are off. What's poppin'?

I apologize to encroach into your privacy in this manner.

Pffft. Encroach away, General. I am sitting here wearing only socks and underwear and scratching …

Bridge from adolescence to adulthood endless, filled with bumps

You know what’s great about being an adult? Still getting acne. Did I say great? I meant the worst.

I was raised to believe acne was relegated to adolescence, and this belief was affirmed during adolescence, which was not bereft of acne. Luckily for me, I attended an all-boys high school where nobody cared what you looked or smelled like. A friend of mine once popped a zit during class to make everyone laugh, and spent the rest of the day unapologetically walking around with a bloody, blotchy face. (There’s a chance that friend was me, can’t remember.)

But now I am 36. Thirty-six. And it’s still an issue. Certainly not the issue it was during the teenage years, when I would ask my sisters for their zit cream and go to bed with sporadic white spots on my face hoping all the zits would be gone when I woke up, although they never were because that cream did nothing. NOTHING I tell you!

Where was I? Oh yes, it remains an issue, albeit on a smaller scale. But that doesn’t make it any less…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Modern Business Form, ad. machine

Please fill out this modern business form to obtain your new ad machine*.

Question one:

What is your credit card number and expiration date and security code?


*there is no ad machine

Hi friend,

Who are you?

From: Elva []

Hi Elva.

To: Elva

I am also Elva? OK.

Greetings from Elva, China:-)

Elva, China is also a place? I am learning a lot about geography and me and Elva and nonsense.

This is Elva Xiao from iWANG Company Limited,

iWANG sounds like an Apple device specifically designed to send out dong pics. But when you add "Company Limited," it sounds legit, so I am on board with whatever is happening here.

who got your data on internet, sorry to disturb you a few minutes to read my presentation.

No trouble at all! My data is on the Internet for no other reason than for special moments like this. And according to the Internet data you have ac…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Vamo V5 kit mod on sale

Say word - the Vamo V5 kit mod be on sale, yo? You playin'.



Vamo v5 on sale.

You ain't playin'?

Best price and good qulity.

This Vamo V5 quilt be mad quilty
Such good qulity, got me feelin' guilty

From my new single, "Vamo V5," on sale now.

What's the price?


What it look like?

This is not a quilt.


I thought you said the price was $16?

I have no idea what this is. How soon can it be shipped out?

Goods can be shipped out soon.


Please feel free to contact me any further questions.

My only question is what the hell is this.

Best Regards, Danner

Peace out, Danner, catch you on the flip.

Oh snap, the flip be here. Got another dope message from my homeboy Danner:

Subject: Re:Original Mini Nautilus $15.5 in stock

What's that, like, a Nautilus for hamsters? You KNOW I keep my hamsters lookin' fit, y'all. Be Instagrammin' my fine lookin' hamsters. Hamstagram.


Stop playin', Dan…

The great pumpkin debate, solved

There’s been a great debate raging about pumpkins, and the debate is a worthwhile one. Because pumpkins have been creeping their way into everything over the past few years – coffee, pancakes, beer, hand soap, tacos maybe, edible underwear, and jewelry. That is the list. The reason for this is, I believe, two-fold.

First, Pinterest. There are just too many ideas on Pinterest that society keeps implementing, and it’s thwarted our concept of reality. Seasonal themes have been jammed down our throat to the point that nothing happens organically anymore. By the time you even realize it’s fall, you’re wearing pumpkin-themed oven mitts and holding a batch of pumpkin muffins for which your wife got the recipe on Pinterest. (Add muffins to the list.) Fun fact: If you search “pumpkins” on Pinterest, Pinterest will explode. It’s too much. Overkill.

Second, there’s a rush to fall. And hey, listen, I get it. Fall is my favorite season, too. But maybe let’s pump the brakes a bit. I’ve noticed this…

Spam email of the week

Subject: FW: Once again stop contacting those people


Kind Attention:

(sits up in chair, salutes computer screen)

My name is Rev. John Anderson;

As evidenced by your email address, Tell me more about yourself, REVEREND.

I am a US citizen, 51 Years Old. My residential address is as follows. 5424 Pent ridge Street Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 19143-4126, United States of America,

I'm glad we're getting this all out of the way now. This is normal. I can do small talk, too. Watch: I live in the United States of America and was born with a cleft lip. Here is my social security number and blood type. So ... do you like rock n' roll?

I am one of those people that took part in receiving Inheritance funds and Lottery funds from African banks and European banks even from many lottery organizers few years ago and they refused to pay me,

Oh, you're one of THOSE people. I heard about that, and still find it hard to believe that the African and European banks…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re; Foreign Supplies

I need supplies. What kind of supplies? Don't know, don't care. But they better not be from here. What am I going to tell my friends? Oh, these supplies came from Madison, Wisconsin? Please. Get out of my face with that mess. I have a reputation to uphold.

From: Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE []

Sure, why not.



We the Bahrain Tender Board is interested in business cooperation with you/company.

This is Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE at the bar:

Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE: Greetings! My tender board is interested in cooperation with you ... or your company (nods head toward friend).

Girl: (slaps Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE, walks away) 

(different girl sits down)

Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE: Is this a banana in our pocket or is business cooperation inevitable?

Girl: (throws drink in Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE's face)

It is noteworthy to note

Bring it back, please.

It is noteworthy to note

One more time.

It is noteworthy to note

Thank you.

It is not…

Say hello to the bad guy

The movie Up, if you’ve never seen it, is a heartbreaking-turned-heartwarming story centered around the relationship between a young, quirky boy and an elderly, bitter but really sweet man. It features balloons and a flying house, funny animals, and the type of general silliness you typically find in animated kids films.

There is a scene in the movie when, angry and frustrated by the possibility of his home being destroyed by corporate interests, the old man hits a construction worker on the head and the construction worker begins to bleed. It is our oldest daughter’s favorite part.

Yes, in a movie filled with hijinks and, again, a flying house, the only scene that truly resonated with our daughter is the one scene that featured violence. This was disconcerting.

With each movie since, we’ve witnessed an increasing fascination with and, yikes, affection for, the bad guy. When we watched Bolt, she was enamored with “the man with the green eye.” During 101 Dalmatians she asked a thousan…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Plastic Part Design Engineering

This is right up my alley. I work at a newspaper store.

We live with the moulds we produce

That is the most thought-provoking and inspirational statement I have ever read. How do I get this stitched on a throw pillow? Or how about a meme ...

12.Dear Sir Or Madam,

Did you make a list of at least a dozen potential salutations to which a human might be receptive, and then forget to delete the number? That is definitely what happened. I forgive you, and also - good choice! I am a sir, btw.

I am?writing?to?you to learn if you need?a good partner to make?plastic molds for you?to support?you to?be more?competitive .

Should I use the space bar here or a question mark? That is a dilemma that has plagued people who write emails for years. There's no right answer, of course - "Go with your gut" is what Strunk & White say - but what you've achieved here is a masterwork of balance. And to answer your question marks, yes - of course I need…

Spam email of the week

Subject: From Dr.K.K

It's difficult to parse what's least trustworthy from this subject header:

that a doctor is sending thisthat his name is something you text back to someone just to let them know you got their
If the greeting is impersonal and plural, I'm out.

Dear Sirs,

I changed my mind. I am in.

We are in much pleasure to introduce ourselves us one of the leading Global Web portal development and online marketing Company from India.

(emerges from pit of pleasure, brushes self off) No, no, it is I who am very much in pleasure to receive this. Please, tell me more about India-based web portal development, for such pleasure is typically illegal in the United States.

In this regard we have planned to publish online all your business commercials of your newspaper or magazine or any printed edition of your product that you market.

Please excuse my ignorance, Dr. K. K, as you are a doctor who speaks doctor-speak and I am a mere publications manager…

Marking up change; cleaning up indifference – a hero’s story

I arrived home last week and noticed that part of my driveway was spray-painted orange, as were a bunch of rocks in our front yard and also there were little yellow flags everywhere that read GAS LINE. “Cool,” I said to myself. “This will end smoothly.”

I had a hunch as to the culprit. A few years ago I arrived home and in place of one of our lantanas rested a beautiful new green tower. Far be it from to know or care about the purpose of this tower, but the only way I can describe it is as one of those things you tell children not to touch so they don’t get electrocuted.

No one had made us aware we were getting a brand spankin’ new electrical tower in our front yard, nor that we were unwittingly losing one of our plants in the process, but we traced the gift-giver/plant-killer back to a local cable company. I called and expressed my displeasure that we were not notified of this, as well as my desire that our plant be replaced. This request surprised the company, which, I can only assu…