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Showing posts from October, 2016

Spam email of the week

Subject: Position offer 832OZY471838/5531
What has two thumbs and is about to be offered a position?
After saw your resume we found it quite impressive and would like to offer you to be a part of friendly team.
Dope. This excellent verbiage lends an air of legitimacy to this job offer. By the way where did you see my resume? I posted one version to a site called doperesumes.com that listed my objective as “being part of a friendly team” and my skills as “friendliness” and “liking teams.” That was probably the one.
I am Clarissa M. Guillen and I am HR Manager at enterprise named Buying LLC. At this moment we have an opening for Personal Virtual Assistant.
Will you hold it against me if I am an actual person? I’m not saying I am, just wondering. (Oh, another one of my skills is “buying.” Forgot to mention that on the rez.)
Salary: $3,000.00 $36,000 Annual Salary;
Three grand a year seems a little on the low end, but I understand this uniquely-named LLC is probably a start-up. I can make sacrif…

Facebook meme of the week

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TEACH ME SOMETHIN PAPA
DON’T GET ME WRONG THIS EMPTY BOX AND FLOOR POTTY ARE LUXURIES I DON’T TAKE FOR GRANTED
AND DARN TOOTIN’ THESE OSH GOSH B’GOSHES DIDN’T GROW ON OL’ MR. MCGOVERN’S FAMOUS HICKORY TREE
THAT’S ALL WELL AND GOOD BUT GEE WHIZ PAPA I’M 3 NOW AND IT’S ABOUT TIME I LEARNED THE WAYS OF THE WORLD
LIKE HOW DO YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A RIDIN’ TRACTOR WHEN THE SHIFTER’S OFF CENTER
WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO TELL A YOUNG LASS HOW YA’ REALLY FEEL, HOW YOU’D LIKE HER TO ONE DAY RAISE OUR OWN EIGHT YOUNGINS AND LEARN FROM MAMA HOW TO MAKE THE BEST CHICKEN POT PIE
HOW CAN I RETREAT FURTHER INTO A COCOON OF ROMANTICIZED REPUBLICAN IDEALS WHILE THIS DANG WORLD CONTINUES TO EVOLVE (AIR QUOTES) IN A WAY THAT DEMANDS I PRESS 1 FOR SPANISH
AWW SHUCKS PAPA I JUST WANNA SPEND SOME TIME WITCHA I RECKON
WHAT SAY YOU AND I HEAD DOWN TO SMITHTOWN LAKE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON FISHIN’
PAPA: IT AIN’T “YOU AND I” YA’ DANG FOOL, IT’S “ME AND YA’LLS”
LOOKS LIKE THE TEACHIN’ DONE ALREADY GOT STARTED PAPA

Facebook meme of the week

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GARFIELD, YOU MAD BRO?
THIS SENTIMENT DOES NOT ALIGN WITH GARFIELD’S BODY LANGUAGE
COULD IT BE THAT GARFIELD LACKS TRUE FRIENDS
CAUSE I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER A LIL’ JOINT CALLED “GARFIELD AND FRIENDS” THAT I USED TO WATCH ALL DAY ERRRDAY, FAM
ANYWAY LET’S SEE WHAT FOLKS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT TRUE FRIENDS


HOLD UP YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND
I GUESS ALL THAT LOVIN’ IS FOR NAUGHT WITHOUT TRUE FRIENDS
HUSBAND: AYYO SAW YOUR FRIEND JOANNE AT STARBUCKS SHE WAS CHECKING OUT MY JUNK
CAROLYN: WHAT? THAT B*TCH I THOUGHT SHE WAS A TRUE FRIEND
HUSBAND: YEAH THAT SUCKS FOR YOU
CAROLYN: SO WAIT HOW FAR DID THAT GO, YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THREE HOURS
HUSBAND: WHAT (turns on blender)
CAROLYN: FORGET IT, GUESS I’LL NEVER KNOW
“NOT SURE HOW FAR THAT WENT SO HARD”
FOR ONCE, AN APPROPRIATE LACK OF PUNCTUATION

THINGS HAVE TAKEN A MORBID TURN ON THIS GARFIELD FRIENDS MEME
NOT SURE HOW TO REACT TO THIS
MAY I SUBMIT




?

THANK YOU SHERRY JUMP


I INFER BY THIS OBESE CRYING CAT EMOJI THAT YOUR FRIENDS HAVE BETRAYED …