So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Intro: There are some Arizona Cardinals fan sites that like to express their insecure love for the local team via weird trash talk and hyper-masculine threats of violence. Let us explore some today, OK? OK.



PRETTY SURE IT IS THO

ONE HUNDRED YARDS + 160 FEET WIDE + 22 HUMANS = MAD ROOM

ALSO IT'S THEIR FIELD

ALSO THE FIELD IS IN A STADIUM THAT IS LITERALLY LIKE THE BIGGEST STADIUM THAT HAS EVER EXISTED

ALSO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

I'VE NEVER WATCHED FOOTBALL BEFORE SO NOT SURE HOW IT WORKS

DOES THE FATTER TEAM GAIN RIGHTS TO THE FIELD, AT WHICH POINT THEY SET UP THEIR KINGDOM

J/K I LIKE YOUR MEMES DO HAVE ANY ABOUT OTHER TEAMS OR PLAYERS




OH SNAP ... WHAT

HIS LAST NAME IS GORE SO THIS SHOULD BE "FRANK WHO?" WHICH ALSO DOESN'T MAKE SENSE BUT STILL, OH SNAP

PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE HAS THE BALL AND IS GETTING TACKLED

ONLY THE BEST, MOST RECOGNIZABLE PLAYERS DON'T EVER GET TACKLED IN FOOTBALL, LIKE ALL THE CARDINALS

ALSO THAT'S A 15-YARD P…

Subject: Congratulations beneficiary!

This is going to be a good day. Everyone is happy and proud of my ability to earn money just by sitting around.

Good day,

I know, right?

This is to inform you that the WESTERN UNION management is no longer happy
with your inability to contact us since the last time we sent you an email in
regards to the below information.

Welp, now I am sad. At first, WESTERN UNION management was happy with my inability to contact them, our clever game of me not responding to emails they never sent producing a kind of joy similar to when a father tries to call his estranged son from jail before remembering he doesn't have a son. But that persisted, and they changed emotional course, and they are no longer happy with this. As someone who has made a lifelong, conscious effort to never disappoint WESTERN UNION management (WWWUMD?), this has obviously rocked my world.

This is the 4th time we are reaching you and
would probably be the last if you fail to comply.

The &qu…

When I go food shopping, if circumstances allow, I bag my own groceries.

What are the necessary circumstances? First and foremost, I must be shopping alone. If I have my girls with me, I’m sorry, but all of my attention and energy on the checkout line is focused on keeping their hands off the candy and trying to prevent them from repeatedly asking the cashier for stickers. Not that I succeed at this, as I typically leave the store with two girls plastered with stickers on their body and faces that read “THIS ALCOHOL IS PAID FOR.”

Second, there has to be no store employee available to bag. I wouldn’t want a grocery store employee coming to my job, pushing me out of my chair and sitting down to write a rambling column about my family, so I won’t impose. This rules out shopping at Safeway, which usually has baggers. By the way, I’m pretty sure Safeway baggers are obligated to ask, “Do you need help out with this?” which is embarrassing for everyone involved when I’m declining while being…

Subject: Glendale Incidents - Glendalestar.com: News 2014-08-28 2:05:53

This is an interesting spam email tactic. They've taken an actual article from our actual website and used it as the subject header for this email. So, theoretically, were I an idiot, I would say to myself, "Oh, this legit person must be emailing me about something online. I better open this email and see what is happening so I can address it instantaneously and professionally. After all, I am the web editor, and I must adhere to my responsibilities."

Then I open the email.

Dear Sir / Madam,

"This person is good and nice, and I don't hold it against them that they don't know whether I have a penis or a vagina. After all, my work email handle, 'subscribe,' is not gender specific. But I definitely don't have a vagina, for what it's worth.

"Not sure why I needed to remind myself of that, but no going back now. My inner dialogue bites its tongue for no one."

I’m Mr. Z…