Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Wine Order Needed

OK, that is nice. This is a newspaper.

My name is James Adam i WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE THESE Products IN STOCK OR YOU CAN ORDER THEM FOR ME.

Hello James. My name is Mike Kenny and WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME only I can use ALL CAPS SO EASE UP, SON.

Also, I am hoping the products you are looking for are newspapers because this is a newspaper.

1. Louis Roederer Cristal 2005/06, 12  bottles 2. Dom Perignon Vintage 2004, 12  bottles

Unfortunately, because this is a newspaper, we don't carry expensive champagne. We produce newspapers because we are, again, a newspaper. However, I guess I could order these for you? I mean, I have no problem ordering champagne for you, but I feel like I should mention - and I'm not saying this to be a dick; I just want to make sure you're aware of this fact - that another person who could order this champagne for you is: you.

Again, not trying to be a dick. I just feel like all the effort you've put into emailing entities like newspapers to question whether or not they can fulfill your champagne order would be better directed toward logging onto like, I don't know, a champagne website that could definitely fulfill your champagne order because they have champagne.

Forget it, I will order the champagne.

I want you to give me the total cost for everything it will be picking up in your store

Were that a sentence, I would respond thusly: The cost is $700,000. (Don't blame me, James Adam - your taste in champagne is Biggie-esque, and such excess comes at a price, both figurative and, in this case, literal.) I would humbly recommend starting with a lower end champagne since, judging by your subject header, I am skeptical you know the difference between traditional wine and sparkling champagne and run the risk of spitting out in horror your $700K investment. Most champagne is nonreturnable, including the champagne I just ordered for you, so forget what I just said.

ANYWAY, the store you will want to look for is our newspaper store. I will wrap the champagne in newspapers for its safety. (I will not, actually, because I will get in trouble.)

so that i will give you my Credit Card information for the prepayment prior to ordering.

Are you trying to reverse spam me, James Adam? Please don't try these tactics on me - been in this game for a minute.

You can email me the total quotation for everything with tax and how   soon can u have them  ready  .

Is this your first time using a keyboard? Here's a tip: press the "Print Screen/SysRq" to take a screenshot of your lunacy.

i will be expecting your response as soon as possible.Thanks

Don't put ASAPs in my mouth, James Adam. I work at my own pace. Also, you're welcome. The wine is ready. It is champagne and I drank most of it during a recent stay at the VIP section of a hot local club called "the bathroom of our newspaper store." You still owe me though.

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