Wednesday, April 26, 2017

MSN quick links of the week



MY ICE CREAM, MY HAND SPATULA




SUGAR RAY LEONARD LOOKS MAD DIFFERENT, SON

MUST BE THE DIABETES (?)




"I'VE LOST MY BELOVED CLASS RING"

"DID YOU LOOK IN THE COUCH"

"YES"

"WELL ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO DO-- CALL THE NEWS"

(SIX MONTHS OF NEWS STORIES ON KOAT ALBUQUERQUE)

"OH HOLD UP ACTUALLY IT WAS IN THE COUCH, MY BAD"




SAMESIES




BECOME A GLADIATOR

KILL EVERYONE

EARN THE RESPECT OF ROME

GET AN AUDIENCE WITH THE UNJUST KING WHO STOLE YOUR THRONE AND MURDERED YOUR FAMILY

ASK HIM TO RESET YOUR PASSWORD




I FEEL LIKE GOATS IN GENERAL ARE FINALLY HAVING THEIR MOMENT IN THE SUN

I CAN'T EVEN FRONT, GOATS ARE THE BEST




WOW I FEEL BAD FOR WHOEVER HAD TO WHITTLE DOWN SO MANY MEMORABLE OPTIONS




"WE SHOULD WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT THE PARTS OF VIDEO GAMES THAT EVERYONE GETS STUCK AT"

"GREAT IDEA, WE'LL CALL IT 'TOP TIMES OF PEOPLE GETTING STUCK PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AT THESE PARTS'"

"NO HOW ABOUT, 'STUCK MUCH? TOP 10 VIDEO GAME TIMES WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING BUT YOU CAN'T GET PAST THE PART ... BECAUSE YOU'RE STUCK'"

"'HELP, I'M STUCK! VIDEO GAME PARTS THAT MAKE YA' SAY 'HMMM, TOP 10'"

"'TOP 10 STUCKS FOR VIDEO GAMES WHEN PEOPLE ARE PLAYING THEM'"

"'EVER PLAY A VIDEO GAME AND GET STUCK? WE RANKED THE TOP 10 TIMES THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, RANKED'"

"BY THE WAY WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS ARTICLE"

"SO THAT PEOPLE WHO PLAY VIDEO GAMES WILL READ IT AND BE LIKE OH YEAH, I GET STUCK THERE TOO"

" ... ... ... "

"THEN WHAT"

"THEN WE CONTINUE OUR SLOW MARCH TOWARD DEATH"

Friday, April 07, 2017

MSN quick links of the week


WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE PHOTOSHOPPED HEADS

HOW HARD IS IT TO FIND A LEGITIMATE STOCK PHOTO OF TWO OLDIES DRINKING CHAMPAGNE IN A HOT TUB

I MEAN C'MON

HONEST QUESTION THO: WHEN OLDIES ARE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE IN A HOT TUB, ARE THEY TOASTING TO HOW THEY AVERTED MEDIGAP PLAN F

IF SO, THAT IS GANGSTA




OH NO NOT AGAIN

NOW WHO IS *THAT* GUY

HE LOOKS LIKE JOHN LEGEND MIXED WITH KID FROM KID N’ PLAY

AND HE DEFINITELY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DISRUPTING A $200 BILLION SOMETHING




THIS ONE FEELS LIKE IT’S BEEN PLANTED TO SEE IF I’LL BITE

I WILL NOT BE TROLLED

MOVING ON



OH WOW WHO’S THAT HANDSOME FELLA

I WANT TO BUY WHATEVER HE IS SELLING




NOT CARRYING PLASTIC STORAGE BINS DOWN CITY STREETS WHILE WEARING FLORAL PANTS IS RULE NO. 1 OF GOOD MANNERS

THIS BITCH THO ... SMH




I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THESE WORDS




1) "SECRETS YOU DON'T KNOW" IS REDUNDANT

2) THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING YOU CAN TELL ME ABOUT DENNY'S THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW, FAM




"WHAT SHOULD WE TITLE THE TEASER FOR THIS ARTICLE ABOUT THE PARROT THAT DOES THE BEST IMPRESSIONS"

"HOW ABOUT 'THIS PARROT DOES THE BEST IMPRESSIONS!'"

"DO YOU THINK THAT'S TOO SUBTLE, WILL PEOPLE CLICK"

PARROT: AAAWK "DO YOU THINK THAT'S TOO SUBTLE, WILL PEOPLE CLICK" AAWK

"OMG"

Tuesday, April 04, 2017

Rubin Sandwich


Here are some observations from another outstanding social media community group posting that undermines the intended purpose of social media community groups:
  • "Rubin"
  • "Rubin Sandwich." Neither needs to be capitalized. The is the least of my issues with this, but not not an issue.
  • The subject of this post did not disappoint. It was definitely about a reuben sandwich (or, more specifically, a Rubin Sandwich). When I first saw it pop up I thought, This can't actually be about a reuben sandwich. But it was.
  • Ask a social media community group where to get a reuben sandwich > search Yelp or sites that are more specifically geared to retrieve information about reuben, and other, sandwiches
  • Question for Shirley: Does it have to be a good reuben sandwich? Because if not, I could make you a reuben sandwich. I mean, I won't, but I could.
  • Arby's left? In this scenario Arby's is like some mom and pop sandwich shop (eg. Mom & Pop's Sandwich Shoppe) which met an untimely demise thanks to gentrification and millennials' lack of appreciation for reuben sandwiches. What the hell is that all about? It's Arby's! Even if one Arby's actually did leave under the cover of night, I'm sure there's another one like 1.7 miles away. Because, again, it's Arby's. I've never noticed, but I probably pass 14 Arby's on my way to work. They have the meats!
  • Could you imagine having a husband who is pestering you about finding him a reuben sandwich via social media neighborhood groups? This is the epitome of laziness. Even a 1950s-era misogynistic, borderline abusive husband would look at this situation and be like, "Find your own dang reuben ya' big slob."
  • Husband: Any news on the reuben sandwi- Shirley: DAMMIT FRANK I ASKED OK? IT'S ALL I CAN DO, IF SOMEONE RESPONDS I'LL LET YOU KNOW, IN THE MEANTIME THE WHOPPER DELUXE WILL HAVE TO DO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.
  • The thing is-- and this is crazy, I know, but 100 percent true-- in the past two weeks I discovered that a local restaurant serves an outstanding grouper reuben sandwich. For someone like me, who doesn't eat meat but who used to love a good reuben, this has been a God-send, and I've had it twice since. This, of course, would make me uniquely qualified to respond to Shirley's question. But I did not, because this whole thing is nuts and I am not being dragged into a conversation about reuben sandwiches with a stranger. Can you even imagine?
  • Now, blogging about it? Completely normal.

Monday, April 03, 2017

April Fools from school

Our oldest daughter had a school project related to April Fools' Day. The assignment: "Write about a time you tricked someone. Then, draw a picture." Let's check in.





-->
Strong start. There are few things our daughter loves to do more than draw. If I were to list her favorite things, “drawing” would be top three, easy. Except, apparently, when it’s part of an actual school activity. When confronted with the question of why she didn’t draw a picture, she said that she did but it’s, uh, invisible, a claim as true as the story that follows. In her defense, trying to capture this story in picture form would have been … difficult.


-->

on April Fools day me and my sister went into the bathroom   When the toilet seat was down and put it up and when my mom and dad went to the bathroom they fell in the toilet and when my mom called us we came and she punished us for a week then two days later she realizes that it was april Fools day.

This story has more glaring plot holes than it does massive toilet holes. For one thing, it assumes that my wife and I use the same toilet at the same time. If that were the case, which it’s not (unless you count this), you’d think at least one of us would have realized the toilet seat was up prior to sitting down:

“Good luck going to the bathroom, Babe, I love youooOOO STOP, THE SEAT IS UP” (reaches out to save her, but it’s too late)

Finally, this story—is it even worth mentioning that the teacher was expecting a true story? No, right? I won’t mention it—assumes that falling into the toilet is a descent into a dark abyss. Something like a well, I guess. Baby Jessica scenario. In which case, how did my wife call the girls and punish them? Did they help us out of the toilet well or nah? Why did it take my wife two days to realize this event happened on April Fools' Day? And did that realization quell her anger and reduce the punishment? Like, Oh dang, you kids got me. Here I am getting upset in this dark well of sewage from which I cannot emerge, but I didn't realize it was April Fools' Day when we fell down here. The only emotion I am feeling now is respect and admiration for my clever children. So many questions.

Thank goodness this wasn't one of the school projects the teacher hangs inside the classroom or, worse, outside the classroom on the hallway walls. We had parent-teacher conferences a few weeks ago and we cringed when we saw our daughters' artwork hanging for all to see, as we're never quite sure what they've managed to produce. "MY FAVORAT FOOD IS DOG POOP HA HA HA UNDERWARE UNDERWARE (picture of dog poop wearing underwear)" Anyway, my biggest takeaway from this project—other than the fact that our girls are very weird and, in combination with other instances which I'll refrain from detailing here, mildly obsessed with toilets—was that our daughter does not know the difference between a trick and a terrible prank. So that's our next parenting lesson. Once someone helps us out of this toilet.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Facebook meme of the week


THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE

COUNTERPOINT: PUPPY!


AND WE'RE OFF

"BITCHESS" IS AN UNINTENTIONAL COOL TERM

THANK YOU DEBBI FOR YOUR BRAVERY IN THE FACE OF BITCHES THINKING THEY'RE THE SHIT



WHAT

YOU ARE OVERDRESSED FOR THAT COMMENT IMO




PETER RODRIGUEZ IS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THIS MEME HAS TARGETED HIM AS A "STRESSFUL SITUATION" ON WHICH TO GET PEED AND HE IS FIRING BACK WITH SECOND-GRADE LEVEL RESPONSES AND IMPROPER PUNCTUATION

(PETER RODRIGUEZ READS INTERNET MEME)

"I! KNOW YOU. ARE BUT WHAT AM I:"

(PETER RODRIGUEZ READS INTERNET MEME)

"I'M RUBBER YOU'RE? GLUE. WHAT%EVER YOU SAY. BOUNCES! OFF ME AND STICKS TO- YOU"


YOU DON'T SAY



LOL INDEED

BUT HOLD UP IS THAT ...


MAYBE USE A TEMPORARY PROFILE PIC WHEN YOU'RE COMMENTING ON PEE MEMES ABOUT WHO YOU WANT TO PEE ON

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE LIKE A WOLF OR SOMETHING



EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS PERFECT




WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE CORE OF PURE TRUTH AND IT IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED




IN THAT YOU ARE BOTH ILLITERATE




LISTEN GUYS I REALLY DON'T THINK JESUS ENDORSES THIS MEME




"I LIKE TO PEE ON WOMEN, WINKY FACE" - FREDDY KRUGER

A+ DAY ON THE INTERNET

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Facebook meme of the week



This heartwarming sentiment is indeed a thematic device from most Disney movies. One in particular that comes to mind-- as is evident in this well-put-together meme-- is Mickey and Minnie Go West. Plot: "After being ignored by his distant but now visiting relative, Uncle Moosehead, more times than he can bear, Mickey Mouse decides to explore the United States' western terrain and become a cowboy mouse. But he can't do it alone, and decides to bring along his on-again, off-again flame, Minnie, who is struggling in her own right to overcome the feeling of not mattering to her stepmother, exemplified in a gut-wrenching opening scene during which Stepmother Horse yells, 'YOU DON'T MATTER!' to a distraught Minnie. Along their travels, Mickey and Minnie discover the invaluable lesson that it's easiest to navigate 'the western terrain' of family when you only deal with the ones you like. Comforted by this notion, they strike gold in San Francisco and never return east."

Speaking of true stories ...


He died doing what he loved: Spammed in the comment thread of a nonsensical Mickey and Minnie Mouse-themed Facebook meme.



"I have no family." - Kim Sybell, emboldened by Mickey Mouse meme

"Mom? It's Kim. Listen, this jackass lawyer told me that I can't work for the parking authority unless I pay my outstanding fines, so I need $250." - Kim Sybell, tomorrow


Is this meme endorsed by God? Hard to say, but Janie Chappel makes a darn good one-word-sentence case.

(Sidebar: I've never wished this blog were more popular for the sake of my ego, only on the sporadic occasions when I wish I could reference something that would be understood by a larger audience. For example, I would love to name my fantasy baseball team this year "Bestie New Family" but who would get that? Even league members who are friends since high school don't read this blog. And if they were to ask what my team name even means it would be difficult to drive home the point that I'm not referencing my own blog-- how vain!-- but a Facebook comment I found to be absurd. Anyway, this is the life I've chosen I guess.)

This is all well and good, but are there any non-Caucasian-American, Disney-obsessed folks who are brave enough to endorse this meme?


Perfect. It's settled then: Bestie New Meme.

Monday, March 20, 2017

MSN quick links of the week



AND NOT EVEN AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR HUMAN DIGNITY

LOOKS GREAT



"AND WHILE I'M AT IT SO IS ROCK 'N ROLL AND BASEBALL HATS"

HERE SENATOR, TRY THIS NEW DEVICE THAT GIVES YOU PHONE PRIVACY IN PUBLIC

"WHAT'S A PHONE, PHONES ARE BRAINWASHING OUR KIDS"



"BUT WHAT WAS *MOST* BONKERS ABOUT THE GREAT WAR, ASIDE FROM THE KILLING AND INCREDIBLE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA FROM WHICH I HAVE NEVER RECOVERED, WAS A COOL-LOOKING MOTORCYCLE TANK THAT I HEARD ABOUT"

TELL US MORE GRANDPA




"BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO MORALS" - JAY LENO

"BECAUSE YOU'RE BRITISH" - ALSO JAY LENO

"BECAUSE I WAS BORN THIS WAY" - LADY GAGA

"BECAUSE YOU NEED BRACES" - MY DENTIST

" ????? " - MEDICAL DAILY



YEAH THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF

NEXT WEEK: JADA PINKETT SMITH REACTS TO FABIO'S ULCER



AND BY CHILDHOOD NOSTALGIA WE MEAN DIARRHEA

AND WHAT ABOUT NOSTALGIA FOR SENIORS

NO ONE EVER THINKS OF SENIORS ON A FIXED INCOME




K THANKS

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Spam email of the week

Subject: Do you poop less 3x per day? (you?re dying a slow death -URGENT)

Pretty liberal with the use of the “URGENT” tag there. What are you going to do when you have to warn our nation’s poopers who are susceptible to a quick death?

And to answer your question: Like any red-blooded American male, I could go four days without pooping at all, and have days where I poop 17 times before lunch. Should I average this out?

Click HERE

Nope.

By eating this one weird food, can you really REVERSE & RESTORE your internal digestive system that may be stewing in rotting feces & disease, slowly killing you?

Stop—you had me at stewing in rotting feces. Also, are you asking me? Because I don’t know. I just got here. I thought you were going to tell me.

This really works: It’s the #1 most important discovery in the last 25 years!

Didn’t NASA just discover seven Earth-like planets? Did that push “one weird food” down the list at all? No? OK. “It’s the #1 most important discovery in the last 25 years!” sounds like a Trump tweet after he realized Obama was tapping his phones. So obviously this is legit.

This frightening new report show how this toxic mess, AKA “The Silent Killer”, stored for years inside your colon, leaks out & poisons your cells and other organs!
  1. What frightening report? You haven’t linked to anything, and I don’t see a bibliography. I want to read the frightening report.
  2. “The Silent Killer” is also how we good folks describe the farts that result from the very conditions you outline. Are you saying we’ll have to give up silent farts? I’m not sure we’re willing to make that sacrifice.
  3. All of these typos are theirs, FYI.
Fact is,

Yes, please tell me the facts.

research shows that a simple 7-second trick added to your morning routine can literally REVERSE & ELIMINATE this “Silent Killer” F-A-S-T!

Yes, literally. Not in the figurative or metaphoric sense, like when we say “REVERSE & ELIMINATE this ‘Silent Killer’ F-A-S-T!” and we are referring to our least favorite baseball player from our favorite baseball team grounding into a double play. Also, few terms bolster the notion of “research” better than “weird” and “trick.”

To unsubscribe, click here.

“To unsubscribe from receiving additional ominous warnings about your pooping habits, click here.”

I didn’t click. Just in case.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Facebook meme of the week


This is good stuff right here. I'm usually critical of the random cartoon characters placed into these memes, but I feel like this frog works pretty well for the sentiment. I've seen this frog on a lot of these memes and I don't know where it's from. Am I supposed to? It seems British. I just Googled "who is that weird cartoon frog" and it didn't yield the desired results. If anyone knows, please don't tell me because I've already lost interest. On to the comments!


This is the very first comment in the thread, and I sincerely hope we come across George's initial mistake later on. Whatever the error was, I like how he bravely recovered and persisted in his steadfast intention to comment on this weird frog/shit meme. "Forgive my error in this dialogue; what I meant to say was ..." That said, I'm unsure how being reincarnated as soft toilet paper will help him in any way, as he will still be used to wipe butts and the comfort level will only be realized by the wiper. It's tough to argue, however, that it wouldn't be gross to be used on men's butts. Women's poop is much less poopy. Sexual even? I'm speaking for George here, not myself.


I'm pretty sure we found the first weird frog/shit meme with a comment thread that should come with a spoiler alert. He should have made a joke about Wolverine using toilet paper because, seriously! How does he even do it? lol Anyway, it's hard NOT to believe, based on his profile pic, that Ryan isn't dropping this comment in threads across the internet, indifferent to its relevance or lack thereof. I commend that.


I'm not sure "bulletproof" is an apt word to describe toilet paper, but I don't blame Ronald for using this opportunity to wax nostalgic about the glory of old fashioned toilet paper.

Girl: Grandpa, what were things like when you were a kid?

Grandpa: Back in MY day the toilet paper was bulletproof! Made yer hiney bleed real good! And one handful of toilet paper would get ya' through the whole week! And when it was finally full of poop we'd take it out back and shoot it until it died. But it took a while! Tough sonofabitch. Toilet paper today is too soft!

With a frog profile pic and an obvious affection for TP through the years, my guess is that Ronald will have a difficult time finding a meme that better represents his varied interests. So this one's for you, Ron. Enjoy it.


Thank you for the technicality on this meme, Bradley. "Actually, even though I do love pizza very much, I cannot, in fact marry it, because it's an inanimate object and cannot express its consent. Duh!" - Bradley Mathews, 3rd grade


We might be taking liberties with the term "very well said" on this 10-word frog meme in which 30% of the words are "shit" and "toilet paper." I'm also unsure we can value the opinion of what is and what is not well said from someone who uses the most random capitalization I have seen in quite some time. I mean, how is "frankly" not capitalized when it's so close to Frank?


And there is George's first take. Not his strongest, obvs, but let he who hasn't hit the wrong button while attempting to comment on a frog/poop meme cast the first stone.


I think you mean "wiping," but your point is well received. (It is not.)


Feels like we're losing steam here.


OK yeah, we're done. It was fun while it lasted! (It was not.)