Showing posts from April, 2006

Yo momma is SO bad…

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my new favorite television show, “Yo Momma.”

I, for one, have been telling “momma jokes” for the past twenty years, except that I stopped about fifteen years ago, when I a) outgrew them, and b) started to fear that I would insult someone whose mother was either deceased, or who was, in reality, really, really, really fat. But I also retired from telling momma jokes for another reason. I couldn’t foresee a situation in the near future where I’d be provided a forum for telling momma jokes; a forum where I could earn as much as $500 for insulting the mother of a person I didn’t even know (unless momma jokes are taxed, in which case, make that $300). Instead, I decided to go to high school, as you can probably tell by the mathematical equation I just solved in like, two seconds.

But high school was an obvious mistake. If I had held out just a little while longer, I could have appeared on the MTV show “Yo Momma,” hosted by (who else?) Wilmer Valderrama (who…

Classic card of the week

1988 Topps Phillies Leaders

Here is one of my all-time favorite “team leaders” cards, because it shows two Phillies’ stalwarts - Mike Schmidt and Kevin Costner - doing just that...leading. Of course, these two guys weren’t leaders in the “rah-rah” sense, or even the statistical sense (if so, Juan Samuel would have certainly replaced Costner). They led more by example. Or, just by squatting. “This is how you squat, rookies! Now get me some sunflower seeds!” Schmidt was overheard saying shortly after this photo was taken. (To which Costner replied, “Yeah, listen to Schmidtty!”)
It is only appropriate that Topps sampled the “dream sequence” borders for this series, because when I was young, I used to see this card in my sleep, mainly because there were at least four in every pack. It remains uncertain as to how, exactly, Costner got his hands on a Phillies uniform, although this was around the time of “Bull Durham” and “Field of Dreams,” when Costner had convinced himself that he actually…

Classic card of the week

Garth Iorg, 1986 Topps

Garth Iorg was probably the most talented of the Iorgs, baseball’s “first family” even before the days of the Boones, Alous, or Griffeys. His father, Thor, was a relief pitcher for the then Milwaukee Braves from 1962-1963 (and would later go on to manage the Class A Harrisburg Hooligans). He also has a half-brother, Jamaal Iorg, who served as the backup left fielder for Garth’s AL East rival, the Red Sox, from 1984-1986. Actually, Iorg has a real brother, Dane, who – and this is 100% true – has two World Series rings. Look it up. As evidenced from this photo, Garth Iorg was the only major league player at the time who was allowed to hit without wearing a batting helmet, because, as one former AL umpire who wishes to remain anonymous, put it, “He had a head like a bowling ball.” Garth’s lack of power in 1984 (one home run) can be attributed to the fact that, at the time, steroids were not readily available. Had they been, Iorg would definitely be in the Hall of Fa…

For Knicks, more failure not impossible

If my math is correct, and I think it is, the New York Knicks are not making the playoffs this year. In fact, the 2005-06 season has been THE low point of the past few years, which is saying a lot considering the last few years have prominently involved Scott Layden, the knees of Antonio McDyess and Allan Houston, and a 300-pound Clarence Weatherspoon.

You may be asking yourself, “Why the heck is he devoting an entire column to the Knicks, especially when the baseball season just kicked off? I stopped thinking about the Knicks like, four months ago.” And you would have a point. However, when you think about it, this season has been truly special. In an amazingly awful kind of way. I mean, if we’re so quick to celebrate greatness, why can’t we celebrate greatness in the realm of total, unabashed failure? After all, this a team that lived by the motto, “Rock bottom is only a game away” all season long. In fact, I think there was a sign above the locker room door with this saying, and the…

New feature

I'm adding a new feature called "Classic card of the week," where I'll profile some of my favorite baseball cards of lore. The first installment is below.

Classic card of the week

Willie McGee
1994 Topps “Gold Series”

Also known as the infamous “Willie McGee glamour shot,” it took the photographer a reported 17 takes to get the appropriate “quiet confidence” look you see here. McGee was actually the father of popular TV personality Steve Urkel (little known fact), yet somehow managed to carve out for himself a nice little pro career. Believe it or not, Willie led the National League in hits (216) AND average (.353) in 1985, bringing the retail value of this card up to a whopping two cents (it has since gone down). So if it looks like Willie is wiping something from his lip in this picture, maybe he is – the sweat of success. Or it could be mayonnaise.

Did you know?
Willie McGee was not the father of popular TV personality Steve Urkel! It’s true!

It’s the new age! Sorry we’re late…

Our office is slowly but surely succumbing to the latest advances in technology. Of course, no one is mistaking us for the CTU headquarters on “24,” but, in our defense, we DO have a microwave oven, which is more than I can say for “24,” because I have never seen Jack Bauer eating a hot pocket at 9:15 in the morning.

One thing that needs to be understood is that our office is very old skool (the “k” is on purpose…act like you know.) The premises is littered with machines and devices that were outdated as of 1979, but some of those machines are actually still in use, like our manual paper cutter (injury free for 3 years now, mainly because nobody really has that much paper to cut). Our heating and air conditioning system pretty much shows up when it feels like it, and I doubt we will ever enter the scary world of “direct deposit,” because electronic transactions are an unknown, and should be approached very carefully, if at all. But, that said, we are making strides.

Our recent entrance …