Thursday, August 28, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: AN OPPORTUNITY IN MY OFFICE

Sounds like I am being invited into a pornographic movie. Wish me luck!

Dear Friend,

I am Mr. KOH BOON HWEE, Managing Director DBS Bank Ltd, Hong Kong.


Your name is the most absurd ALL CAPS racial stereotype I have read. Were you not managing director of a prestigious bank, I'd be suspicious.

I am contacting you with respect to a portfolio amounting to $30,520,000 USD (Thirty Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollar) deposited by a German Merchant named Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann.

Obvs. Bank managers the world over know: when you have questions about a German merchant's financial portfolio, contact Mike. What can I say? It's what I do. (It is not.)

On the 15th of May 2002 Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann deposited $12,000,000 USD (Twelve Million United States Dollars) under our portfolio management department for four years and the deposit matured on the 18th of October 2006 with over 196% growth which amounted to a total of $30,520,000 USD (Thirty Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollar).

Where can I find Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann? I would like him to analyze the growth potential of the multiple $50 savings bonds I received for my First Holy Communion that MY MOM idiotically refused to deposit in a Hong Kong bank.

Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann has since passed away

RIP JURGEN ZIMMERMANN

without stating his next of kin because he deposited the funds in our establishment at a point he was finalizing divorcing his wife and had no kids coupled with the fact that he
 was an orphan, this funds has since mature and the roll-over on the funds has also expired.


Jurgen Zimmermann, age unknown. Mr. Zimmermann, a German merchant, which is a thing in 2014, died of unknown causes (though possibly a bomb blaster). An orphan who was never adopted and who basically just graduated the orphanage, Mr. Zimmermann somehow worked his way up the corporate German merchant ladder to the point he made $12 million, which he invested into a diversified portfolio and saw mature to the tune of $30,520,000. One thing that didn't mature, however, was his relationship with his gold digger wife, who couldn't even bear children on account of not being real. Mr. Zimmermann will always be remembered by ... people, we guess, and for his love of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" which is a great show he probably watched. In lieu of flowers, please do nothing. This is a dream.

This sum of $30,520,000 USD (Thirty Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollar) is still in my possession in my Bank lifeless and unnoticed because there will never be a claim on the funds and all material and immaterial documents and certificates relating to the funds is also in my possession.

There is nothing sadder than a humongous pile of money that is lifeless and unloved because no one will claim it. Somewhere, Mr. KOH BOON HWEE is wasting away the hours diving into a sea of cash, Scrooge McDuck-style, in a pitch black room while also crying. It's almost as if the money is an orphan just like Mr. Zimmermann and oh man now I am going to cry.

According to the Hong Kong Law

Something I am well-versed in so DON'T FRONT.

regulating cases of this nature which is also typical to other Asian countries, at the expiration of 7(seven) years, such funds will revert to the ownership of the Government for financing military operations, such as purchasing of arms and ammunitions for the military.

AIN'T TRYING TO SEE CHINA REINFORCE ITS DEFENSE, SON. What can I do?

In order to avert this negative development, I will like to seek for your permission as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann so that the fruits of this old man's

*dead* man's

That was my first order of business as his, ummm ... son.

labor will not be use for financing weapons which will further enhance the courses of war in the world in general.

Yes, fine - I will take the $30 million in the interest of world peace. It's what dead Jurgen dad - which is what I call him, affectionately - would have wanted.

The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 60% for me and 35% for you and the balance of 5% for will be responsible for the major /trivial expenses incurred in the course of the transaction.

There is no trivial expense when it comes to honoring the memory of Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann. For example, I have already spent $12,000 on unlimited massages at Massage Envy to relieve the stress of this money transfer, so please take that out of the five percent or whatever.

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this project will be done by my attorney

Me: Babe, great news. Copped a cool $11 mill just by checking my email. Looks like we goin' on that Rick Springfield cruise after all ... (raises roof) (twerks)

Wife: (rolls eyes) Wonderful. How did it happen this time?

Me: Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann died. The German merchant. I just have to pretend he was my dad or whatever.

Wife: Honey, I hate to see you get your hopes up again after deals like this have fallen through so many times. Are you absolutely sure this is legit?

Me: Oh no doubt. Mr. KOH BOON HWEE's lawyer is doing all the paperwork. He's a lawyer, babe.

Wife: Oh, well in that case ...

and with my position as the credit officer guarantees the successful execution of this project. 

Me: Plus Mr. KOH BOON HWEE himself is the credit officer. It's like, pfffffttt. This b*tch is failproof.

Wife: ...

Me: Ya' know, sometimes I wish you would just trust me.

Upon your response, I shall then provide you with further information's and modalities that will help you understand the transaction.

Yes, please do that. For I am but an unfrozen caveman email user. I am unfamiliar with your "transactions" and "modalities."

You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this project would be most profitable for both parties because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country.

Oh snap, Mr. KOH BOON HWEE's going to invest his share in 'Merica? USA! USA! USA! Mr. KOH BOON HWEE and I are basically saving the country o'er here. What about you, OBAMA?

Awaiting your urgent reply.

Thanks and regards,

Mr. KOH BOON HWE.


I see you dropped the extra E off your last name and replaced it with a period. Very profesh. Smart move. You know, for your brand. Speaking of your brand, I thought of a cool tagline for every time a super-rich orphan German merchant dies and we get the money: KOH BOON, son!

3 comments:

troy said...

I KNEW you'd catch that dropped 'E.' I ... I love you.

mkenny59 said...

I LOVE YOU TOO!


Is this weird? This isn't weird.

troy said...

Nope. Then again, I just discovered Stefon, and have been on a binge, so my weirdness threshold might be a tad off.