So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Growing up, our neighbors across the street had a pool. More important than this, they had a sign on the deck of the pool that read “Please don’t pee in our pool; we don’t swim in your toilet.” At the time, this was the absolute zenith of comedic commentary for me. A party at our neighbors’ house meant not only that we could swim, but also that I could stare at that sign and, in my head, break it down to bits until all the humor was lost, which was, of course, impossible. Swim in the toilet! Can you even imagine? I still think about that sign* today, for several reasons. For one, the first time I laid eyes on it, my dream in life instantly became to grow into an adult, get married, have a family, and buy a house with a pool, all as mere means to my true end of posting that sign, claiming it as my own, and basking in its comedic glory. Where did you get that sign? Is there no end to your brash hilariousness? A toast to Mike! Also, since I haven’t yet realized my ultimate dream, and ...

I was at a pool party recently because I am a hip dude who does neato things like that. It was the type of pool party you see in commercials—everybody was laughing continuously for no particular reason and my wife was on my shoulders in the pool playfully trying to knock over my friend’s wife, who was on his shoulders. The party was DJ’d by Ryan Gosling, who I didn’t even know was a DJ. The Coors Light beer train showed up at one point when it got too hot. All ethnicities were represented. Also, none of that is true. Most of the afternoon was spent frantically taking care of kids in the pool while being sprayed with water guns from unknown locations and trying in vain to have adult conversations while being interrupted with information like, “The pizza fell on the ground but I ate it” and “That girl (points to boy) said I can’t swing as high as her did. I have to pee.” That said, I did manage to get in some adult time. Some GUY TIME no less. At one point, a group of us fellas stood ...