Showing posts from April, 2013

‘Pretending you did’ is best way to tell if you got good car service

I know a lot about cars, so it’s always fun dropping my car off for service. Here is a dramatic reenactment of me doing just that.

Me: Here is my car. Please change the oil and inspect it or whatever. I’m having some trouble with the thing that makes the car drive, not sure what it’s called, but please fix it. Unless it’s a lot of money, then definitely do not fix it. A lot of money to me is like $100.

Car person: Oh no problem, boss man. Actually, if you want to pop the hood I’ll give it a quick peek and see if it’s anything we can figure now, on the spot.

Me: Oh, uh, sure. Go in car, pop gas tank.

Car person:

Me: Turn on windshield wipers.

Car person: You know what, chief? No biggie, I’ll check it out later.

Then I go home and wait for the phone call about what is wrong with my car and how it’s not covered by my warranty.

Car person: Hey there big fella. Just calling back about your vehicle. Got a question for ya’—when was the last time you had the transmission fluid changed?

Me: Umm, I do…

Spam email of the week

Subject: tee shirts order

I'm not sure if you're looking for t-shirts or shirts with pictures of golf tees on them. Either way, we have it all here at T-/TEE SHIRT EMPORIUM the weekly newspaper.

I want to know whether you can have blank tee shirts for sale?

When you're looking for blank t-shirts, there are two ways to go about it:

1) Email sporadically until you find someone who sells blank t-shirts. "You're never going to find out if you don't ask." - Tee "Shirt" Johnson, inventor of the t-shirt

2) Go to a t-shirt store or visit a website likely to sell t-shirts.

The first way is better. BUT, we don't sell blank t-shirts here at this particular newspaper. :( Only graphic t-shirts with witty phrases like "Newspapers: it's what's for breakfast," and "Hey Internet, virus much?"

am looking for blank tee shirts with no screen printing.

You should repeat yourself again because I didn't understand what you said the fi…

Back to square one with girl number two

What’s interesting about having another kiddo around is this: I had just, really just reached the point where I felt totally comfortable bringing our daughter pretty much anywhere by myself.

Case in point, Easter weekend. My wife became ill that Friday, the same day we had a follow-up doctor’s appointment for our daughter. When it was determined she couldn’t go, I just assumed we’d reschedule because I sure as heck wasn’t going by myself. Well, apparently we had waited like six months for this appointment, so I was told I would be bringing her. Our daughter sees so many developmental specialists, I wasn’t even 100 percent sure what kind of doctor this was, or his name. Hello, Doctor … person. I am the father. Here is the girl. I assume you have a file or something? Here is my phone if you need to call my wife. It’s under “wifey” in contacts. She might not answer because she is terribly ill I mean her ringer is on low so keep calling. I’ll be in the waiting room.

Everything ended up go…

Spam email of the week

Subject: I'm Syrian little girl 15 yrs old a war victim.

Guys, this is serious. Usually I like to joke around about the weird spam emails I get, but there's no joking around about a 15-year-old Syrian girl who is a war victim but who also uses email. What is your name, "little girl" who is 15?

From: test []

Just to recap, you are a 15-year-old Syrian girl named Test who is a war victim and also your email address is I don't want to give a history lesson here, but when Great Britain occupied Syria during the War That Never Happened, all the email addresses were transferred over.

I'm Syrian little girl 15 yrs old a war victim.

The one thing about 15-year-old Syrian girls who are war victims is that they're kind of redundant. It's like, we get it, you're a war victim. Get over yourself lolz j/k.

I need your help after my parents and little brother was killed.

Oh my that is terrible. Hopefully I can help since I am…

Hopefully-soon-to-be, one more time

There’s an old Bill Cosby bit about how you’re not really a parent until you have two kids. I’m not sure I believe that—one child has been enough to make me lose my freakin’ mind—but it appears as though we’re going to at least test the theory.

My wife and I are, God-willing, adopting again.

It will be a very different situation than what transpired with our first little one, who we had in our care at three months old. This little girl—another girl; it’s just me and the dog at this point—is already 2 ½ years old. With personality by the truckload.

We were chosen to be this girl’s adoptive family because her case manager came across our file in the system and apparently saw something she liked. I’ve not been made aware of exactly what that was, but it probably had something do with my expertise in writing drawn-out exposes about spam emails and my frustration with the DVR. Surely he can impart that wisdom on this impressionable little girl! That, or the fact my wife is a child therapis…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Custom Components Manufacture

Sexy AND relevant to my life.

 (Friendly note:If you are not the right ones, pls kindly reply simple words like”NO”,thanks.)

We've seen this before. Such a great sentence. My favorite sentence. In fact, this email is again from famed Chinaman, Jack Davis. Preach on, Jack.

Dear Sir,

This is shorthand for Dear Sir Random Box, who is the knighted Earl of Worthington and who also needs custom components for all his stupid things. I am not he, but this misunderstanding could prove advantageous.

Have a good day!

Is this the end of the email? This seems like the end of the email, but there are more words? I'm confused. Also, thanks! You too.

We are TTi company come from China.

Well that's all well and good and grammatically correct, but: what do you specialize in?

We specialize in plastic injection moulding and machining field over ten years.

I couldn't have less a sense of what you are even talking about. But 10 years is a decade, s…

Music lessons: On using pop to parent

Our daughter is very much into music. Sure, there are the “Annie” songs, but she also loves the pop music she hears on the radio. As parents, we try to use every opportunity to impart life lessons, and no one ever said pop music can’t be an aid in this endeavor.

Case in point, our daughter’s former favorite song, Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger.” This song is important because it teaches us that, in order to lure members of the opposite sex, we should gyrate in their direction like the 69-year-old lead singer of The Rolling Stones. Okay, so maybe that’s not the best lesson. In fact, our daughter used to just sing the chorus and dance all silly. Now I catch her singing it around the house, almost under her breath, lyrics like “I swear I’ll behave,” which, understanding the context of the song, makes me shudder. Also, the album version of this song, which is on the playlist I created for her, contains a curse word, and I have to turn the volume all the way down when it comes up as I’m dri…

Spam email of the week

Subject: How are you?.

You know what? It's about time somebody asked me that question WITH SINCERITY today. Considering this is the subject header, I imagine the brunt of this email is merely a more involved exploration as to how I am feeling. I wish I received more emails like this -- no requests, demands, pointless questions about "work." Just a genuine inquisition as to my current state of mind -- with a completely unnecessary period at the end -- sent directly to my email address and my email address alone.

To: Recipients

Or to like a billion email addresses. Whatevs.

I have what will bring mutual benefits for your family and my family.

Can I answer the subject header first? THANK YOU. I am fine. A little tired, but fine. Now, about this anonymous thing you have that will bring mutual benefits for my family and yours ... I am interested. I don't know you whatsoever and you are super weird and I have no idea what is going on, but one of my goals in life is to do s…

Wardrobe function: my attempt to class it up a notch

For the past few weeks, I’ve been making a conscious effort to change my wardrobe. I realize that is a sentence not usually written by a man, but here we are.

It suddenly dawned on me that I often dress like a 22-year-old, jobless person living in an apartment. In my leisure time, I only really feel comfortable in t-shirts, and much of my t-shirt collection included a) ripped t-shirts, b) t-shirts with dumb phrases on like them like “Who stole me lucky charms?” and c) t-shirts that don’t fit me well. I tried to avoid the latter, which meant I had a rotation of like four t-shirts, all of which have embarrassed my wife. Last month I walked into our bathroom wearing my Napoleon Dynamite-themed “Liger” shirt and she immediately told me to change. Without stopping I just turned around and went right back to my dresser, and got the plain ripped one instead.

This IS that shirt, and I'm glad to see someone else on the Internet owns it.
Even my work clothes weren’t doing it for me. I felt l…