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Showing posts from November, 2005

National Lampoon’s Florida Vacation

Before liftoff, one of the lovely flight attendants informed us over the loudspeaker that we were going to “Florida, the hurricane capital of the world!” She giggled after she said this, as if it were meant to be a joke. Pure hilarity. Maybe that would have been mildly humorous LAST year, before one of the deadliest hurricanes in world history hit New Orleans, and before another bad one hit the very state we were flying into just two weeks beforehand. And maybe she could have mentioned the word “hurricane,” if she felt so inclined, AFTER we had landed, and had escaped the wrath of any potential gale-force winds and flying trailer homes. Actually, she did get on the loudspeaker again after we landed, saying, “We made it to Fort Lauderdale!” Laughter followed this statement as well, as if she was trying to say, “Can you BELIEVE we made it?!”

And so began our Florida experience.

We landed in Fort Lauderdale, and had to make the trip to Jupiter, where my cousin Amy was getting married to h…

The BCS motto: If it’s broken, don’t fix it

About a year ago, as the college football bowl games were getting underway, Nike ran a great ad in Sports Illustrated. It was simply a grid, matching up two games between the four undefeated teams in college football that year, followed by a National Championship Game for the two winners. It was like the Final Four grid in a college basketball pool. Underneath it read, “Just do it.” It was a tremendous advertisement, not because the concept of a college football four-team playoff was Nike’s idea – we had all heard it before - but because seeing it in print made everyone realize the practicality of such an inherently simple, and feasible playoff system. Just do it. Well, nobody did it.

In fact, nobody has done anything to remedy the issues plaguing the current BCS format of college football, a system by which several computers collaborate with various FBI agents to determine whether or not Iowa State has the right to play in the Sealy Posturpedic Mattress Bowl. It’s utterly ridiculous. …

Meet the Survivors!

It’s “Survivor: Guatemala,” a.k.a. the most boring season ever! The tribes have merged, and it’s time to meet who is left from the this extremely unlikable cast. So without further ado…

Cindy
Hello, I am Cindy. Smiling hurts my face. I am disappointed in everyone, and also everything. The good news is that, either I am losing weight, or my boobs are getting much bigger. Either way, I hope Probst is noticing. He looks so hot in his safari hat.

Jamie
What’s up. I’m Jamie. Were you on my original tribe? Cause if not, I don’t want to talk to you. I treat my original tribe like a family, and everyone else is an outsider. And outsiders must die. Around the camp, I like to spruce things up by sitting on a rock with a sourpuss look on my face. One time I farted, and it was hilarious, but the cameras missed it. I hate Bobby Jon. One time we almost came to blows during a challenge because I rolled a giant rock to a designated spot faster than he could. He’s pretty much my mortal enemy. Back home I …