Thursday, August 21, 2014

Spam email of the week

Feeling lonely. Wishing someone could introduce me to some products. (logs on to email)

Subject: Introduction of products

(pumps fist)

Dear Sir/Madam,

Dear [GENDER UNKNOWN],

I am a dude, btw, fwiw.

We are Box Marsh located In Pakistan  City, Sialkot, specialize in exporting various type of garment.

Nice to meet you, Box Marsh! May I also add that you specialize in grabbing my attention :0 :) ;)

Our main products are Martial Arts Uniforms,Boxing Gloves, Mixed Martial Arts Equipments, Protectors Wooden Weapon and relative products.

Here's the thing about email that makes it so great. Let's say I'm a [GENDER UNKNOWN], just sitting here wanting to do martial arts but I don't have a uniform. Also, what about equipments? You can't just do martial arts without equipments. And it's like, all of my martial arts friends ALREADY have protectors wooden weapon, so all of my martial arts moves - performed naked and without equipments because, again, I have no uniform or equipments - are useless because they are protected by their protectors wooden weapons. I have splinters from their protectors wooden weapons in my butt and stuff, and as a result, I am sad. Plus, to top it all off, I need relative products. All seems lost. But then I get this email.

We are proud of our highly experienced, skilled staffs who work very hard for the development of the company and meeting customers’ demand in an effective way.

If I were Box Marsh, I would be most proud of the staff(s) who put this email together because it is fine and wonderful.

Our aim is to serve customers and make sure that they are comfortable and satisfied with our products and services.

If "Protectors Wooden Weapon" doesn't elicit a strong sense of comfort, then you are barking up the wrong customer tree.

We like to work on demands.

BOX MARSH: WE LIKE TO WORK ON DEMANDS.

Bam, there it is, your new slogan. You're welcome. Says it all. All other Box Marsh-related words are superfluous. But just in case, let's hear more.

Please visit our online website www.boxmarsh.com  and mentioned us your interested items.

Holy **** you just killed grammar. Grammar is dead. GO HOME EVERYONE, GRAMMAR HAS DIED. Time of death: now. Victim: Grammar. Suspect: Box Marsh. RIP GRAMMAR, SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS.

Also, I went on your website. The headline is "Box Marsh, Manufacturer & Exporter of Boxing Equipments." I have bookmarked it for two reasons: a) as a general source for all my boxing equipments needs, and b) specifically to browse "MMA RASH GUARDS" when I am feeling down. But what if I still have questions?

If you don't find what you need on our website...e-mail us boxmarsh@gmail.com  , and one of our friendly, knowledgeable Person will be happy to help you.

Thank you. It is indeed comforting to know that within a company as big and Pakistani as Box Marsh, you can still reach a friendly Person (whose name is Person, we can assume) when you want to order a Protectors Wooden Weapon to ward off oncomers. DON'T YOU GO CHANGIN' BOX MARSH.

3 comments:

troy said...

One of the latest topics making rounds on the Internet is that of the parent memoir. Parents are blogging or writing pieces and dragging their kids into it and revealing pretty personal things about them that maybe they won't appreciate when they grow up and start to get teased by other kids/adults who find these pieces. But I'm not sure this far enough; I'm not sure the kid has to be the topic in order to later be mortified. For example, I do not want to be there the day your daughters are looking for answers as to exactly what sort of martial art Daddy was practicing that the splinters were in, and not on, his butt.

troy said...

Goes. I'm not sure this goes far enough.

mkenny59 said...

Part of the reason I feel confident writing about my girls is that, yes, the day they discover this blog, they'll feel more embarrassed for ME than themselves.