Thursday, August 07, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Global Foods USA

I like my coffee black, my women feisty, and my food global but also from the motha truckin' U S of A.

Dear Sirs,

My name is Mike. (looks around) No one else is h-

Hope you doing well.

Me is. Thank you.

Please kindly find our Special offer for  Rice as follows i.e :

Am I being kindly offered a special deal on rice right now? If you have Basmati rice I am going to crap my pants. With excitement. But also for real.

Basmati Rice :

Pure Basmati Rice from the foothills of Himalaya


My friend and I frequently joke that you can't call it Basmati rice if it ain't from the Himalayas. My friend is imaginary. How much for the pure sh*t?

Product Code : GBR 30

Packing 30lb

Price : US$ 52.82/ BAG


That is a good deal. Is 30 pounds of rice enough though? I live alone.

1121 Basmati  Parboiled Rice

I was actually thinking that I might be better off with Basmati parboiled rice.

Pure Basmati Rice from  Indian Sub Continent, Longest Grain Available in the World

Why don't we head back to my sub continent and I'll show you the largest grain available in the world? (from my new comedy album, "Rice Penis Metaphor Jokes," feat. CONDO-lease-a-Rice)

Product Code : G1121- 30

Packing 30lb

Price : US$ 62.82/ BAG


You pay extra for the parboiling every time, but it's worth it.

Long Grain White  Rice

Classic. Sometimes you just wanna slide on a pair of blue jeans, throw on some Norah Jones, and order a 30-pound bag of long grain white rice.

Product Code : GGR- 30

Packing 30lb

Price : US$ 40.80/ BAG


Honestly this feels like stealing at these p-rices.

Long Grain Parboiled  Rice

Now this ... this is just cray. Who came up with this? Fire him immediately. Actually? Promote him. THIS JUST MIGHT BE CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK.

Product Code : GPR- 30

Packing 30lb

Price : US$ 44.80/ BAG


Please let us know your requirement by email info@globalfoodsusa.com or by  Fax: 1-864-751-5791

(jams machine at work attempting to manually fax in order to "Muhammad Faheem" for multiple 30-pound bags of rice) (turns to coworkers patiently waiting to use fax machine) What? OH LIKE YOU GUYS DON'T USE THIS FOR PERSONAL STUFF.

Thanks

M Faheem

Global Foods USA


No, Muhammad Faheem - thank YOU. You've restored my faith in being able to receive unsolicited emails to purchase rice. I ... I love you.

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