Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Facebook meme of the week



I BET THIS WAS WRITTEN BY AN IMPARTIAL NON-BROWN-EYED PERSON

ALSO PRETTY SURE THESE WERE THE LYRICS TO “BROWN EYED GIRL” BEFORE VAN MORRISON’S EDITOR GOT INVOLVED

MIGHT I ADD THAT BROWN-EYED PEOPLE ARE VERY GOOD AT MAKING MEMES AND WRITING WORDS AND ALSO PUNCTUATION AND CAPITALIZATION AND SYNTAX

“THEY ARE STRAIGHT SHOOTERS AND HONEST TO THE POINT TO BE INTIMIDATING BY THOSE WHO AREN’T USED TO SUCH OPEN HONESTY!”

PERSONALLY I AM NOT USED TO SUCH ELOQUENT PHRASING, BUT THEN AGAIN I HAVE BLUE EYES



BARBARA N RONNIE WAGONER’S DAUGHTER: WHAT I ACTUALLY SAID MOM IS THAT YOU’RE A B*TCH




POTENTIAL EMPLOYER: IT SAYS HERE YOUR NAME IS FLUFFER GHOSTMAN … IS THAT UH REAL

FLUFFER GHOSTMAN: AS REAL AS MY BROWN EYES

POTENTIAL EMPLOYER: AND YOUR SKILLS ARE “TELLING IT LIKE IT IS,” “HAVING BROWN EYES” AND “NOT [BLEEPING] CARING,” IS THAT CORRECT

FLUFFER GHOSTMAN: WHATEVER

POTENTIAL EMPLOYER: CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED AT YOUR LAST PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT

FLUFFER GHOSTMAN: PFFFT MY STUPID ASS BOSS COULDN’T HANDLE HEARING THE TRUTH EVERY DAY

POTENTIAL EMPLOYER: CAN YOU GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE OF THE TRUTH

FLUFFER GHOSTMAN: THAT TIE SUCKS AND FILING PAPERS IS STUPID AND I’M LEAVING SIX HOURS EARLY TODAY TO PICK UP MY COUSIN

POTENTIAL EMPLOYER: I AM SO INTIMIDATED BY YOUR TRUTH BUT ALSO YOU’RE HIRED



COUNTERPOINT

SOUNDS LIKE *SOMEONE* WASN’T ALLOWED IN THE BROWN-EYED FRIENDS CIRCLE




LOL INDEED, SPCOTT TEKRING




FEEL LIKE I'M IN PHILOSOPHY CLASS




WE WILL HAVE TO CONSULT THE TRUTH FOLLOWER AT A LATER DATE




I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE HERE WHEN I SAY I AM ALSO PROUD OF WENDELL’S BROWN EYES AND OLD HIP

IF THERE ARE ANY OTHER BODY PARTS THAT REQUIRE SELF-AFFIRMATION, YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME




THANK YOU EVERYONE

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

MSN quick links of the week

WHAT IS THE GOOD AND RELEVANT NEWS OF THE DAY




THERE IS ONLY ONE THING I THINK ABOUT MORE THAN WHAT THE WOMAN FROM THRILLER LOOKS LIKE NOW

AND THAT'S SWIMMING WITH PIGS IN THE BAHAMAS




(READS LIST, REFERENCES PERSONAL NOTEBOOK)

QUESTION NO. 19: CAN YOU RIDE THE PIGS -NO

QUESTION NO. 20: CAN THE PIGS RIDE YOU -NO

QUESTION NO. 38: ARE THE PIGS NATIVE

QUESTION NO. 46: WHY

SO NOT *EVERYTHING* I GUESS SMH




IF THEY CAME TO THIS COUNTRY LEGALLY, SURE




AS IF YOU NEEDED MORE INFO, THIS ONE HAS A LEDE




SURE EATING SUSHI IS FUN, BUT SO IS RUBBING SUSHI ON YOUR HEAD, WHICH IS A THING PEOPLE DO? HA HA I DON'T MEAN RUBBING ACTUAL SUSHI ON YOUR HEAD, BUT ONE OF THE CONDIMENTS ASSOCIATED WITH SUSHI. HOLD ON, LET ME START OVER, NOT BY DELETING THAT INTRO, BUT BY CONTINUING TO WRITE. FIRST OF ALL, EVERYONE WANTS TO SMUSH SUSHI ON THEIR HEAD. LET'S START WITH THAT. HEAD SUSHI. #HEADSUSHI. BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT. EVER HEAR OF WASABI? USUALLY WASABI IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE SUSHI THAT YOU'RE DYING TO SMASH ON YOUR HEAD. ANYWAY, LET'S ASSUME THAT WASABI IS REAL. ACCORDING TO SCIENCE




(TYPES IN "WOMAN FROM THRILLER")

(WAITS 10 SECONDS)

(BRACES SELF)

*YOUR SEARCH HAS YIELDED 0 RESULTS*

WHAT THE HELL




HARD PASS

WHAT IS BTS



"MARRIAGE CAN BE RUFF, BUT IF YOU'RE DOG-GONE SURE YOU'RE IN PUPPY LOVE ... I'M SORRY, I CAN'T DO THIS, I HAVE A DEGREE IN FINANCE" (STRIPS OFF MICROPHONE, WALKS OUT) - DOG MINISTER




YOU CAN STOP RIGHT THERE, I KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW

NEW ZEALAND NAVY: HELLO, FIRM?

FIRM: YES

NEW ZEALAND NAVY: THIS IS THE NEW ZEALAND NAVY. WE'D LIKE TO PAY YOU $700,000 TO DO STUFF

FIRM: OK

NEW ZEALAND NAVY: YOU'RE NOT MIRED IN ANY FAT LEONARD SEX, ARE YOU

FIRM: UH ... NO

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Facebook meme of the week



OK I guess.

But like, do you mean kill them? Because I will do whatever you say, owl.

Am I the only one who is 100% on board with this top hat-wearing owl's worldview?




Thank you, Lesley.

Lot to digest here.

From what I can gather, Lesley knows a mouthy bitch who’s got more gob (a.k.a. “gab,” a.k.a. words) than an elephant as (a.k.a. “has”) ass, which is to say a lot of words (elephants have big butts, scientifically). Lesley would like to sew this metaphorical elephant ass of words shut so it stops sh*tting words on her, and when she does sew the elephant butt closed, she will wipe off the words that have already spewed on her. Relative to this meme, I think Lesley would also like to wipe this mouthy bitch out of her life. My guess is that Lesley has been feeling this way about her mouthy bitch friend for some time now, and this owl meme was the catalyst allowing her to express her true feelings … and eloquently I might add. Anyway, good luck, Lesley!




“Today I settle all family business, so don’t tell me that you’re innocent.” – Sandra Gentry, on her tour of confronting backstabbing, two-faced, greedy, disgusting people




Honestly she has a point.



Whoa, Delores slow your roll—this is a family meme comment thread. If you want to sew shut the elephant ass of a mouthy bitch, that’s one thing. But your vile sentiment has no place here.



OK sure. You too?



One can only hope Mariah gets this.

Mariah: (at home, wiping away tears … gets Facebook notification) OMG this owl is so right. That’s it—I’m finally going to kill Lois.





I think the word you’re looking for is “advice,” which need not be capitalized, and also this is equal parts nonsensical and terrible advice, from a cartoon owl on a meme that’s unaware a space should go after a comma, and which generally seeks validation of its ill-conceived sentiment through awful, misspelled comments like yours. But other than that, I feel ya’. 

Anyway, have a great Thursday evening, everyone.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Spam email of the week

Subject: Attention:

You: certainly: have: mine:

From: Ademola Johnson <”www.”@triton.ocn.ne.jp>

I was expecting ajohnson@ustreasury.gov, but this seems equally legit. Other than not knowing the difference between a website and an email address, you have proven yourself worthy of my attention. By the way do you still need my attention? I am easily distrac-

Attention:

OK fine, sheesh.

Good day, this is to inform you of your long overdue Compensation Payment In this office Files records over here.

That is an impressive collection of words that almost form a coherent thought. I especially like the concluding “over here,” because for a second I thought these words were coming from over there.

This department founds your name

Me thinks yours’ department be good at founding things.

and email address in the Central Computer / Federal Ministry of Finance among list of Scam Victim unpaid Compensation Funds and have to update your information by contacting you

Are you allowed, over there at Triton, which is a branch of the federal government, to run words through the Central Computer to see if they have the capacity to form sentences? Try it! It will be cool.

Through this email for your immediate confirmation response back to my Office without delay. The value capital Compensation fund amount of $3,800, 000.00 USD (Three Million Eight Hundred Thousand dollars only) is to your favor listed name for immediate payment.

Exactly how immediate will the time be with which I will receive my $3.8 million? Despite the remaining words in this email which I can see through my peripheral, I am currently assuming that there are no obstacles and that maybe you sent me the money already?

However

Dammit.

we received an email from one Mr.George M. Muthara, who told us that he is your NEXT OF KIN and that you died in a car accident last four Months back.

OMG, classic George. One time in high school, George called the main office pretending to be my dad and told the secretary that we had to cancel school because I fell off Bear Mountain. And they did! It was hil-AIRES. Anyway, I don’t know him.

He has also submitted his account information’s to the office Department for transfer of the fund payment credit to him as your Inheritor of the fund stated herein.

See now I’m kind of annoyed. George always takes these things too far. But hey, lemme ask you this—for a department that so easily founds my name, can’t you just as easily rectify this situation with even a modicum of research?

No? Can’t do that? OK. You know what—I don’t need to deal with this George drama. In fact, I’m getting another dope email right now. Lemme check it out …

Subject: GREETINGS TO YOU DEAREST !

Seems promising.

From: MR MIKE PENCE

Wow, this is big.

GREETINGS TO YOU DEAREST !

Consistency equals legitimacy. I am dearest, I think. This better not be an invite to a platonic, man-to-man dinner.

I am  Mike Pence,Vice President of the United States

I don’t normally play favorites, but STEP ASIDE, ADEMOLA JOHNSON.

and this is to inform you about your  Bank Check Draft brought back by the United Embassy from the government of Benin Republic in the white house Washington DC as your compensation fund 

I didn’t realize that U.S./Benin Republic diplomatic relations had improved since the travel ban, but it’s about time the United Embassy retrieved my money. (FYI, the “white house” is in Washington DC, so this checks out.)

 been mandated to be deliver to your home address ,To avoid wrong delivery of your check draft worth Ten   million  united states dollars ( 10.000.000,00 Million)  Kindly reconfirm to me the below data

It is indeed my preference that my $10 million not be delivered to someone else by mistake. I will confirm my contact info … but only if you give me yours. Samsies, lol. For real though, these are my terms.


Contact Email Address: (pence.m62@yahoo.com)
Contact Cell Phone-Number (202) 844-7255

Thank you, Mike Pence. I will hit you up at your Yahoo address as opposed to your Gmail, as I understand this is mad confidential, son. And I know how your administration values confidentiality

YOURS SINCERELY,MR MIKE PENCE
VICE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES

This is literally how I imagine actual Mike Pence signs off. Anyway, I would say that this email is embarrassing to the White House, but … you know.

Friday, May 05, 2017

MSN quick links of the week



HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW I DRINK MY WATER, FAM

BUT ARE YOU SAYING THAT SHOOTING IT UP MY BUTT WITH A GARDEN HOSE IS SO 2000 AND LATE




YEAH WELL YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL *ME* ABOUT HOW POORLY WHALE STOCKS ARE PERFORMING

THAT'S IT, I'M ONLY GIVING THESE DANG WHALES 9 MORE YEARS TO JUSTIFY MY INVESTMENT




WORD




OH NO

NO. 3: TWO MILLION IS NOT EVEN THAT MANY

NO. 5: THE GAMING SYSTEM'S PRODUCTION WAS INTRINSICALLY TIED TO WHALE STOCKS






WILD HORSES COULDN'T DRAG ME FROM CLICKING ON THIS TIMELY AND INFORMATIVE NEWS ARTICLE




HOW DOES ONE RETIRE FROM PUBLIC LIFE

"... AND SO IN CONCLUSION, FOR REAL THIS TIME ... LEAVE ME ALONE"

[PRINCE PHILIP GOES TO USE THE PUBLIC RESTROOM AT A LONDON APPLEBEES, STOPPED BY MANAGER] "I'M SORRY SIR THIS IS ONLY FOR ACTIVE PUBLIC PEOPLE; YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE PEE-PEE OR POOPY IN YOUR CASTLE"




IS YESTERDAY TOO SOON

"I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ... BUT ONLY ONE OF US CAN FIT ON THIS HOT MESS OF A DEATH TRAP, SO YA' BURNT" [FLIES INTO TELEPHONE POLE]





DOC, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS BUT I'VE BEEN INVOLUNTARILY RAISING MY HAND TO SHAMEFULLY ASK MY BOSS IF I CAN I FART IN THE OFFICE ... BUT THEN I FART ANYWAY




"WELL HE WILL NEVER RACE AGAIN, BUT BEFORE WE SEND HIM OFF TO THE GLUE FACTORY, I HAVE AN IDEA ..."

LOL THAT DUDE'S SMOCK

"STAY ON CANVAS RUSTY, DANG"

THAT HORSE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT *THAT* GREAT AT PAINTING

JUST SAYIN




'SUP PLAYA

GET YOUR DISRUPTION ON SON

CUT-RATE CAR INSURANCE HAS NEVER LOOKED SO FLY

ANYWAY I NEED TO BUY INSURANCE FOR MY AWESOME FLYING CAR




HOLD UP IS THIS COMPANY RUN BY HOMELESS PEOPLE NOW