So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

ARGH STUPID COWORKERS ARE SO FRUSTRATING THIS MEME IS BOTH RELATABLE AND ADORBS IF OTHER PEOPLE ARE STUPID THAT MEANS WE ARE SMART TO WIT: THIS MEME IS NOT ABOUT YOUR LITTLE BUBS, MERNA , IT'S ABOUT STUPID COWORKERS THIS MEME IS NOT ABOUT MAKING HARD POOPS, IT'S ABOUT STUPID COWORKERS, DANG THIS MEME IS NOT ABOUT HAIR(ZZ) LOSS, IT'S ABOUT STUPID COWORKERS ALSO *THIS* IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE, GAIL : THAT FACE YOU MAKE WHEN YOU'RE RAILING AGAINST YOUR STUPID COWORKERS BUT AREN'T SMART ENOUGH TO UPLOAD A PROFILE PIC THIS MEME IS NOT ABOUT CHICKENS OH MY GOODNESS IT'S TOUGH  BEING THE SMARTEST ONE IN THE OFFICE GOOD SENTENCE BUT THIS MEME IS NOT ABOUT SIBLINGS SAFE TO ASSUME THAT'S NOT YOU AND YOUR BROTHER IN THAT PROFILE PIC THIS MEME IS ALSO NOT ABOUT ONE COWORKER BUT COWORKERS PLURAL ALL OF THEM ARE STUPID C'MON DEBRA SMATHERS ??????????????????????????????????????????????????...

Subject:   Do you poop less 3x per day? (you?re dying a slow death -URGENT) Pretty liberal with the use of the “URGENT” tag there. What are you going to do when you have to warn our nation’s poopers who are susceptible to a quick death? And to answer your question: Like any red-blooded American male, I could go four days without pooping at all, and have days where I poop 17 times before lunch. Should I average this out? Click HERE Nope. By eating this one weird food, can you really REVERSE & RESTORE your internal digestive system that may be stewing in rotting feces & disease, slowly killing you? Stop—you had me at stewing in rotting feces. Also, are you asking me ? Because I don’t know. I just got here. I thought you were going to tell me. This really works: It’s the #1 most important discovery in the last 25 years! Didn’t NASA just discover seven Earth-like planets? Did that push “one weird food” down the list at all? No? OK. “It’s the #...

Subject: furniture Again ? This time it will be legit. Fool me once with furniture-themed emails, shame on you. For doing that. Fool me twice though with furniture-themed emails? Shame on you again because why are you doing this? What's that? You're totes not fooling me? You promise this is for realsies? OK. I am no fool. Hello Sir, See? They know I'm a dude. Hello. Hope you are fine. I am fine. Thank you. I hope you are fine, too. This is appropriate small talk and I am convinced this email is good and worthy of my time. Glad to know you from online OK, sure I guess. If by "online" you mean "Microsoft Outlook" and if by "know" you mean "have emailed" then what you say is true and nice. and do hope this email will not bother you. Awwww, you are sweet. And no bother. I mean, your email WAS repeatedly knocking on the bathroom door while I was trying to make a poopy earlier, but that is OK. This is Maggie from Yueming...

Jack Clark, 1987 Topps Normally I like to make fun of my old cards. After all, that is what I get not paid to do. But today I am here to tell you: this is a pretty darn cool card. It’s got action, dashing good looks, eye black, suspense, dirt, an unbelievable head of hair … all the things I look for in a great baseball card. There’s also this: check out the peeps in foul territory. Media? Maybe. One guy’s got a tripod. Other dudes are just sort of hanging out, watching the game. How is that a thing that used to happen? I don’t think the guy in the white shirt has the reflexes to get out of the way of a hard-hit foul ball, but he doesn’t seem to care. Man … the 80s. Sit wherever you want! Here’s some cocaine. Enjoy the game. Try not to die. As for Clark himself, I enjoyed this tidbit from that source of all that is good and right, Wikipedia : But Clark hated the Giants' Candlestick Park, a notoriously bad park for power hitters because of the wind coming off of the San Fran...

Note: This column appears in the 12/8 issue of The Glendale Star and the 12/9 issue of the Peoria Times We are currently in full throttle potty-training mode. Not for ourselves—let me clarify—for our daughter. I have to admit that this is one instance where foster parenting truly afforded me valuable experience. The first occasion of me, by myself, having to enter the bathroom with our first foster daughter, who we also potty-trained, was one of the most frightful occasions of my life. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, where to stand—should I crouch?—and most importantly, how to enact the wiping process. Somehow, someway, by only the grace of God, I got through it. By the time that little girl returned home, after months of being able to notice the subtle behaviors that required an all-out rush to the bathroom by which I carried her like a football as she insisted she didn’t have to go, I’ll be darned if she wasn’t potty-trained. I’ll be darned . It wasn’t easy though, and as we a...

Note: This column appears in the 4/28 issue of The Glendale Star and the 4/29 issue of the Peoria Times Recently, the City of Glendale expanded its recycling program. Unfortunately, this expansion did not include plastic grocery bags, which cannot be recycled because, according to Debbie Coy, Glendale Recycling Coordinator, they “gum up the machinery.” Not cool, bags. My wife and I try to do our part in the ongoing fight against plastic bags. For one thing, we have several reusable shopping bags. Granted, we almost always forget to bring them to the store, but the point is—we have them. We also reuse the plastic bags we acquire as garbage bags in our tiny garbage can . Because these bags often have holes in them, I typically go through a roll of paper towels cleaning up the coffee grinds and miscellaneous liquids the bags leak when I go to dispose of them. Such is the nature of saving nature. Unfortunately, cities like Glendale and Peoria cannot rely solely upon the commitment of envir...

Note: This column appears in the 5/20 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/21 issue of the Peoria Times One of the interesting things about parenthood is adjusting mentally to the fact that you are, indeed, a parent. This has been a slow process for me. For I am a planner. I am always thinking ahead to the specifics of how the plans I have laid forth inside of my head will play out. For example, on Monday morning I am already thinking about the possibilities, and then the details, of Friday night. I will think, “Friday is supposed to be really hot. Maybe we can go to the movies. Westgate or Peoria? Westgate. We could park in the east lot. I’m not getting the large popcorn this time -- that was too much popcorn. That new documentary about the dangers of plastic is supposed to be good. Very romantic. It starts at 7:25. We should leave by 6:30, the latest. I’ll wear my yellow shirt.” Not surprisingly these plans rarely play out the way I had envisioned. There are many reasons for this, no...