Posts

Showing posts from October, 2015

Emails from my father-in-law

The background is this: Uncle Paul (Tony’s brother-in-law) has just sent an email attempting to arrange another Sedona hike this winter. Here is Tony’s response, sent eight days after the original email, for what it’s worth:
Hi my BOYS, I like something with the  with tectonic plates shifting and grinding and twerking below ground SO I'm in Let's discuss some dates please
Time for the BREAKDOWN.
Hi my BOYS,
The BOYS in all CAPS, to me, represents Tony’s excitement at the all-guys nature of this nature hike. I do not fault him in the least for this. He was similarly excited for our participation in the Tough Mudder when he passionately suggested our team name should be FORCE FLEX.
I like something
I think this is a good start to any email. We all like something. This is relatable. I am hooked.
I like something with the  with tectonic plates
It’s safe to say no one in the history of the world has ever penned these words exactly as such. Listen—typos are typos, and the extra space between …

My friend Steve

I think it was second semester when Steve walked in—late, of course—to computer class during our freshman year of high school. He was assigned to sit right next to me, and I decided fairly quickly that I pretty much hated him. He had a casual arrogance, an indifference to everything, the required shirt and tie as sloppy as possible yet mostly hidden behind an absurdly large winter coat that went to his knees. I could smell the smoke and sleep on him the second he sat down. I was annoyed. He seemed to me like a “bad kid” cliché.
Being forced to sit next to someone every day will either heighten the angst or relieve the tension, and in this case, it was the latter. We found the common ground of making fun of Mr. Mulligan, our large, red-faced computer teacher. Our seats were in the back corner, against the wall and shielded by a sea of computer monitors, and, combined with Mulligan’s laissez faire style, we could get away with most anything. One day Steve said, “Watch this …” showed me…

Facebook meme of the week

Image
HAPPY TUESDAY MOTHER EFFERS
EVERY TUESDAY SHOULD BE VALENTINE’S DAY IMO
HERE ARE SOME ROSES
PLEASE PUT THEM IN YOUR TUESDAY VASE
ALSO I WROTE YOU A LETTER
THE LETTER IS HEARTS
OPEN THE HEARTS THEY SAY “HAPPY TUESDAY MORNING I AM MENTALLY UNSTABLE”
YO SUN, CHILL WITH THE COFFEE, SON
EYES ABOUT TO POP OUT YOUR SUN HEAD
DAMN SUN YOU ARE HIGH ON TUESDAY AND ALSO PCP MAYBE
ALSO YOU GOT A HEART MUSTACHE LOL
OR A CLEFT HEART LIP IN WHICH CASE, SAMSIES
HEARTS STRAIGHT POPPIN’ OUT YO’ COFFEE WHAT IS HAPPENING
ALSO HOW ARE YOU EVEN HOLDING THAT MUG WHERE ARE YOUR ARMS
MAYBE YOU ARE PACMAN WHO CARES HAPPY TUESDAY
I LOVE THIS PICTURE ANYONE ELSE

IT MAKE ME HAPPY, TOO
“BECAUSE IT MAKE ME HAPPPPPYYYY” – PHARRRELL, ALSO PATRICIA
BTW PHARRELL’S BIG HAT LOL

DAMMIT BOBBI THE MESSAGE WAS “HAPPY TUESDAY” GET A GRIP

I’LL HAVE WHAT SHE’S HAVING
YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS TO THIS MEME ARE BEYOND REPROACH, JOYCE GRANNY

HAPPY TUESDAY ONE COUSIN
RELAX, AUNT—I’LL HOLLA AT YOU ON THURSDAY AIIIIGHT

HOW IS THIS EVEN POSS…

Facebook meme of the day

Image
DANG WALMART PRETTY SURE YOU JUST GOT OWNED BY SYLVESTER THE CAT
IT’S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY OR A CAT SAID THIS
OPEN ALL THE REGISTERS WALMART OR ELSE
WE’LL MAKE ANOTHER MEME
AND GET LESHAUNDA ON YOUR ASS

YOU GOT SERVED, HOW IS WALMART EVER GONNA SHOW ITS FACE AGAIN IN PUBLIC
ACTUALLY MOVE OVER SYLVESTER THE CAT AND LESHAUNDA—LAVERNE IS THE NEW LEADER OF THE MOVEMENT TO NOT WAIT LIKE THREE EXTRA MINUTES
LAVERNE, PREACH

WALMART: UHHHH YES
ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO LAVERNE’S COMMENT ON THIS CARTOON MEME FROM A WEIRD FACEBOOK PAGE, BILLION-DOLLAR RETAIL CONGLOMERATE?

I DON’T KNOW WHAT A HOADER IS BUT THIS IS A GREAT COMMENT, VERY RELEVANT TO THE DISCUSSION AT HAND
FOUR LIKES
KAREN BE WAITING IN LINE AT WALMART WITH A SHOPPING CART FULL OF BOOKS LIKE “I HAVE NO TIME TO READ THESE LOL THIS REGISTER IS CLOSED I GUESS”

AND ON THE SEVENTH DAY HE SAID, “THOU SHALT BE A WALMART TO TEACH THEM PATIENCE AND SELF CONTROL”
JOB: WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THESE REGISTERS BUT NOBODY IS HERE. WHAT IS MY STREN…

Spam email of the week

Subject: YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE NEEDED FOR INVESTMENT OF 42.5M
OK. I am dope at investing. (dopeinvesting.com, promo code “2dope”)

Dear Friend.
“Friend” need not be capitalized; that should be a comma or colon, not a period; I am not your friend. Other than that, solid start.

RE-42,500,000.00(FOURTH TWO MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND EURO) INVESTMENT.
Technically it’s negative fourth two million, five hundred thousand euro, but I don’t want to be that guy.

I wish this proposals will not embarrass you as I had no previous correspondence with you.
I’m not sure why I would be embarrassed since “this proposals” was your idea and also (falls down stairs, pants fall down, farts, gets up, brushes self off, elongated fart) … Go on.
I am Mr.Ali Rohit,a Libyan nationality. My objective is to establish a viable business relationship with you.
Objective: met. I just sent you a link to Go To Meeting. Let’s get our business relationship on.
I was a member of Late.Col.Muammar Gaddafi 's regime. At the pe…

Internet teaser link of the week

Image
You know what they say— give a man a good chart and blow his mind for a day. Give a man 10 good charts and feed him for lifetime. Because one of those charts is bound to be about fishing. Anyway, that is the saying.
This teaser link is interesting in that it’s not overtly sexual; however, I should mention that I did not actually click on the link, so it very well might be—probably is, actually—10 sex charts. That will blow a lot of minds.
But even if this link isn’t about sex charts, good luck getting me NOT to click a teaser link about charts … despite the fact that I recently admitted to not clicking on this particular link. I was busy at the time and then I forgot. My point is that I love charts and enjoy having my mind blown by the intensity of various charts. Charts4dayyysszz is my motto and also my Instagram handle. Instagram is another good place to go for charts. If you follow me. Most people there post pictures, which is hella lame. #charts
The chart on this teaser link is t…

Facebook meme of the week

Image
UH NO
WHAT
I DON’T
WHAT
GHOST BE POPPING OUT OF A PUMPIN AND DROPPING BIG SLOPPY WHITE DIARRHEA ALL OVER THE PLACE
AND THIS GUY BE LIKE


WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE
DOES ANYBODY UNDERSTAND


WHAT IS JOT WITH POOP
EITHER WAY YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET A NEW JOB
MONSTER.COM
GET IT? BECAUSE OF HALLO-


THANK YOU SHANKAR
SERIOUSLY WHERE AM I

IS THIS ALL A DREAM
WHO CAN MAKE SENSE OF THIS


SOLID POINT NELISSA
PERSONALLY I’D RATHER BE HIT WITH NO SHITS
IS THAT AN OPTION
EVERYONE COMMENTING HERE IS A FULL-GROWN ADULT FYI


YES MARTHA THIS *IS* GREAT
REALLY GREAT
VERY GREAT
SO GREAT
THE GREATEST
LMFAO

Facebook meme of the day part II

Image
GUY HIT A FIELD GOAL
THE FIELD GOAL WAS GOOD, IN LAYMAN'S TERMS
IT WAS THE KICKER ON MY FAVORITE FOOTBALL TEAM
THAT’S THREE POINTS FOR US
THIS IS BIG NEWS ON THE FOOTBALL FRONT
HOW DO I CAPTURE MY EXCITEMENT



BOOM
THIS IS STRAIGHT FIRE
COULDN’T FIND A PICTURE OF THE FIELD GOAL SO I USED A PICTURE OF HIM KICKING OFF
BUT I THINK I MADE MY POINT
SPEAKING OF POINTS CHECK OUT THE DOUBLE EXCLAMATION POINTS
THAT WAS FRANK’S IDEA
CHECK OUT CARDS CORNER FOR MORE BLAZING HOT MEMES
CARDS IS SHORT FOR CARDINALS
MY FAVORITE FOOTBALL TEAM

Facebook meme of the day

Image
PREACH, DONALD DUCK
DONALD DUCK ‘BOUT TO CHANGE THE GAME WHEN IT COMES TO STANDARDIZED PERCEPTIONS OF BEAUTY
IF YOU HAVE A BIG HEART AND A BIG BUTT THAT IS GOOD
SMALL HEART AND A SMALL BUTT THAT IS BAD
SMALL HEART AND A BIG BUTT I’M NOT SURE
FOR YEARS I’VE BEEN JUDGING PEOPLE BY THE SIZE OF THEIR JEANS

I EVEN JUDGED MJ

@fart big jeans much mj? pic.twitter.com/pPVjjp8IBM — 9 followers (@realstevejobs2) December 11, 2014

I WAS WRONG THO
“DON’T JUDGE PEOPLE BY THE SIZE OF THEIR JEANS.” – PANTSLESS DUCK
ALSO THE BIBLE MAYBE
LET’S GO TO THE COMMENTS


YES, FINALLY, I HAVE NEVER HEARD THIS SENTIMENT BEFORE IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE THIS IS GROUNDBREAKING STUFF WELCOME TO THE INTERNET MELODI, YOU SHOULD GOOGLE SIR MIX-A-LOT


THAT IS A GOOD PRAYER
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, I PRAYER GUYS WILL TALK TO ME EVEN THOUGH  I HAVE A BIG BOOTY AND NO PROFILE PIC AMEN


IF THAT’S HOW YOUR BEAUTY TALK IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF WE JUDGE YOU BY YOUR BUTT


SERIOUSLY STOP TALKING HILDA


SORRY ABOUT YOUR HEART, OROBAS B…

Internet teaser link of the week

Image
Well here I am thinking I know everything there is to know about the Ivory Coast. Here are 18 things I DID know about the Ivory Coast:
1)It’s a place.
2)It’s coastal.
3)It’s where ivory comes from (?).
4)Dudes are mad buff.
5)“Welcome to the IC, bitch.”
6)Oh it’s on Wikipedia.
7)It is a country in West Africa.
8)Its capital is Yamoussoukro.
9)Felix Houphouët-Boigny's one-party rule was not amenable to political competition.
I could go on—my 18 and yours are probably samsies—but you get the point. This teaser ad is right in my wheelhouse because most of my time spent on the Internet is a subconscious search for obscure Ivory Coast information that I can shove in other people’s faces at parties. The parties I am talking about are children’s parties because I haven’t been to a real party in five years. Tryin’ to get a one-party rule up in herrrrr like my boy Felix Houphouët-Boigny.

Anyway, I didn’t click the link. Sorry/not sorry.

Two kids on the block

Image
I had the girls for a few hours, SOLO, over the weekend. I decided, hey, let’s do something fun! It should be mentioned that this thought process never produces positive results, but I was convinced that this time it would. I am a sucker.
It was the first day since April that it wasn’t 100-something degrees, so I thought we should take advantage. (I remember being a kid in New Jersey when it would hit like 50 degrees on a random late winter day, and I’d excitedly venture outside wearing shorts and a T-shirt. It’s the same thing here, just the complete opposite—it’s 99 degrees and slightly overcast, so I put on a hooded sweatshirt and search the neighborhood for signs of life amid the scorched earth.) I grabbed the Razor scooter our youngest had received for her birthday and the bike that was ALSO hers but that I would let our oldest ride. They spotted me putting air in the bike’s tires and darn near lost their minds at the realization we’d be riding around the neighborhood. Now, it’s s…

Facebook meme of the week

Image
SOMEBODY PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL GARFIELD
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T HEARD FROM GARFIELD DOESN’T MEAN HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU
HE WAS BUSY EATING LASAGNA AND HATING MONDAYS, GIVE HIM A BREAK
BESIDES, IT WORK BOTH WAYS
THIS IS GOOD, PRODUCTIVE DIALOGUE
NO ONE IS SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER
BUT WE CAN COMMUNICATE THROUGH PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MEMES
WITH GARFIELD AS THE ARBITRATOR
HOW YOU FOLKS DOING TODAY?



HERBERT IS SORRY
NOT SURE WHO HERBERT IS TALKING TO OR IF THAT’S SARCASM
CLASSIC HERBERT
SOMEBODY CALL HERBERT ASAP



ANNA WILL STRAIGHT DELETE A BITCH FOR NOT CALLING BACK
AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT
BEST TO STEP UP YOUR CALLING BACK GAME LEST YOU FEEL THE WRATH OF ANNA
THANKS ANNA


DAMMIT I AM GOING TO CRY



SHOUT OUT TO JIM JIM
I WONDER IF JIM JIM IS JIM DAVIS, CREATOR OF GARFIELD
PROBS


LEONARD JUDITH IS KEEPIN’ IT MAD REAL
COMMENTING ON TYPO-FILLED GARFIELD MEMES IS AS REAL AS IT GETS
HEADS BETTER RECOGNIZE



SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED SUDHI CHAI COFFEE POSITIVE TO PUT EVERYTHING IN PERSPECTIVE
REA…