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Showing posts from March, 2005

NCAA Q & A, with U and I

In an effort to be more interactive, I have opened the floor to all of you regarding the upcoming NCAA Tournament. Like my teachers always said, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question,” however, if your particular question did not make the cut, it’s probably because it was stupid. Or maybe you spelled everything wrong. Or maybe you questioned my general expertise of the NCAA Tournament, and wondered why you would be asking ME for advice rather than someone who has a real job on TV, like Dr. Phil, or someone actually involved in college basketball. If you really need to know, I’m not an expert, but neither are you. So let’s interact.

On to your questions…

No. 1: My friend says I should always pick at least one big upset in my tournament grid, but it never seems to work out for me. What should I do? — John, Howell

A lot of people fall into the trap of picking a crazy upset (like a No. 15 seed over a No. 2) just so they can say things like, “Hey — did you see that Western Boise Tech / …

Friday morning quarterback

From now on, for all intents and purposes, Thursday nights will now be referred to as “the Mark Burnett marathon.” And no one is happier about this than me. Except for maybe my wife, who during a commercial break last night, broke into a two-minute dance sequence when she found out that Kohl’s is having a 50% off sale tomorrow. Three consecutive hours of great reality TV AND a sale? I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say it was the greatest night of her life. Coincidentally, it had nothing to do with me. On to the recap…

We were all informed that on THIS season’s “Survivor,” there would be “no help of any kind.” Well, I guess that’s pretty much gone by the wayside considering on last night’s episode they were building bathrooms, showers, and then having guys from Home Depot build whole shelters. Isn’t Home Depot’s motto, “If you can do it, we can HELP?” What is Jeff Probst supposed to say each week — “Listen guys, THIS time around you’re not getting any help. But here’s some fire, …

What a long, strange trip — Part deux

Last week I commented on some of the crazy things that have occurred in the NBA this year, but to stay on the topic, this HAS to have been the strangest offseason in Major League Baseball history. I mean, in what OTHER year did a former MVP winner call a press conference that went like this:

Player: I’m sorry.

Press: For what?

Player: I can’t tell you.

Press: Why?

Player: I’m not allowed. Are there any other questions?

Press: Does it begin with an “s” and end in “teroids?”

Player: No further questions.

Of course, almost all of the weirdness — including the aforementioned press conference — has been centered in New York. For example, the Yankees acquired Randy Johnson, who celebrated by attacking a local cameraman. The Mets’ locked up Pedro Martinez, who immediately defused his “prima donna” image by telling the media to treat him with “respect,” and to not write anything bad about him or his family (also, he wants PLENTY of rest in between starts). Then the Mets also added Carlos Beltran, al…

True Hollywood Bore Me

There has been a long-standing rumor throughout the Hollywood community of the existence of a secret “Formula for Comedic Success.” Legend always had it that the secret formula was locked up in Sinbad’s attic for almost two decades, right next to Sinbad. Well, in case you haven’t heard, or noticed, the formula has been discovered. Yep — the secret has leaked out quicker than a Hollywood sex tape starring a D-list celebrity with something to promote. The formula is out, and now EVERYBODY knows the secret to how Hollywood churns out comedic masterpiece after comedic masterpiece. Amazingly, what was thought to be an extensive pamphlet chock full of comedic wisdom was nothing than more than a simple “formula” scribbled on a sticky note. It read:

“Black person meets white person. Comedy ensues.”

There it is. THAT’S how Hollywood has been having us collectively rolling in the aisles over the past twenty years, trying to get out of the theatre. In fact, every single “comedy” released in the la…

What a long, strange trip it’s been

We’re officially in March, and from a sports standpoint, quite frankly, there’s really nothing to talk about. Fortunately, this is why God invented pointless lists — to save wannabe columnists from having to write flowing, coherent thoughts when there’s nothing going on. So, this list goes out to God.

Hmmm, let me think. Okay — we’ll call this list the “Top Five Strangest NBA Stories of the Year, So Far.”

No. 5: Don Nelson allows Avery Johnson to coach a game. Nelson, the head coach of the Dallas Mavericks, allowed his assistant, Avery Johnson, to coach a game earlier this year. Why? Because Johnson wants to be a head coach one day. Well good for him. But maybe Nellie could have given Johnson some coaching experience in a preseason scrimmage instead of a regular season game. Joe Torre often allows one of his players to manage a game, but it’s usually the last game of the season, when the Yankees are already in the playoffs, and their starting lineup includes Bubba Trammel and Homer Bus…