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Showing posts from September, 2013

Spam email of the week

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Subject: Re: supply sinochem PE / PVC resin

Hey I recognize some of those words! One of those words!

Dear Sirs:

I am ... but one man. But yeah, sometimes it feels like I do the work of three sirs, LOL. Thanks for recognizing my work ethic, uh ... I'm sorry - I didn't catch your name ...

This is Helen from " DAER POLYMERS GROUP " in China.

Oh word? Helen, like Jack, is a very common Chinese name, so thank you for specifying you are Helen from " DAER POLYMERS GROUP, " which is another thing I understand. Everything is adding up nicely here.

We export SINOCHEM and Recycled plastic materials nearly 10 years :

Is that a colon or an emotionless emoticon?

We export SINOCHEM : (feeling "eh" about exporting SINOCHEM)

and Recycled plastic materials : (feeling "eh" about exporting Recycled plastic materials)

nearly 10 years : (feeling "eh" about being in business nine years)

and also we are traveling to Chinese water park tomorrow for field …

No sense harping on the past, unless you’re tagged in it

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Not too long ago I got the email notification that everyone dreads: “(Person you are ‘friends’ with but haven’t spoken to, seen, or even thought about in more than 10 years) tagged a photo of you on Facebook!”

“What the … ”

(immediately logs on to Facebook, heart beating fast in chest)

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

And there it was, in all its pre-digital camera resolution glory. Me, about a dozen or so years ago, standing next to a co-worker from my second job out of college, during what appeared to be some sort of super-lame, themed office function. Lord only knows what the theme was, but I was wearing an oversized Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, and a sombrero (Mexico meets Hawaii meets Old Navy?). One could assume that such a wild, untamed outfit in an otherwise professional atmosphere would have led to some semblance of joy, but I looked very sad. Somewhere off in the distance was a plate of homemade spinach dip resting on a copy machine. Most importantly for the purposes of my…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Fund Release Confirmation .,

The subject header of this email is "Fund Release Confirmation (space) (period) (comma)"

Attention:

With that subject header? YOU HAVE IT.

I wish to remind you that after many attempts to reach you through our correspondence in your country which proved abortive,

Hold up, wait ... wait for a second, hold on, stop. Stop. STOP. First of all, there are like several hundred ways I can be reached. I have 38 Internet profile pages, plus a phone, plus email. Not to mention the mother freakin' U.S. of A. postal service, which can be trusted to deliver anything, anytime, sometimes, maybe. Did you even try to send one of your country's singing telegramists to my home or office? That is usually how the other countries that owe me money do it. I mean, how has your correspondence not reached me? I am going to kill my secretary. Oh, my bad - ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT.

Also, kudos on "proved abortive." Great phrasing, although it makes …

Birth of a salesman

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To my great surprise and delight, my wife finally relented and agreed that we should purge some stuff from our house. Of course, this backfired immediately, and rather than being able to get rid of one of the thousand awkward-shaped and space-eating children’s toys we have somehow acquired which our children never actually use, I was instead asked to purge something of my own: my beloved Pro Form Fusion 1.5 “Power Tower.”

The Power Tower—God bless it—was the best. I had used it frequently (approximately .001 percent of its standing existence) to do pushups, pull-ups and ab-thingees. The rest of the time (99.99 percent) it was also useful, as I was able to hang things from it, namely, my mom’s “Arizona pocketbooks,” which she keeps here and which hold things like golf balls (?), loose change, and her Advil for when she gets migraines. I had hung the pocketbooks from the top pull-up bar of the Power Tower to keep them out of reach from our children because I am a great and resourceful p…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Shooters Revolution

Hello,


I hope this message finds you well. I am  reaching out to you in hopes of support.


Let me guess - your parents were killed in the Shooters Revolution but they left behind $9.8 million in life insurance money that you'd like to transfer to my American account so that I can hold it for you while you make your way to America, where you will set up an orphanage for the less fortunate.

Myself and partners residence of Arizona have launched a new product, the Evo Basketball.

Oh.

The first smart basketball, the ball is equipped with a built in micro sensor that emits audible feedback when shot correctly.

Me: (shoots Evo Basketball)

Evo Basketball: Bad shot dumbaaaasssssss ... (emits fart sound) (clanks off rim)

Me: (gets rebound, trys a layup with Evo Basketball)

Evo Basketball: (emits sound of crowd cheering) (ball swishes through hoop) Nice shot! Why don't you get a little closer next time, Jimmy (laugh track) ...

When the sensor is removed the ball turn…

Get your sleep on: New eyewear to make us a better family

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I opened my email and found this exciting message: “Confirmation of Amazon order of 4 X Uvex S1933X Skyper Safety Eyewear.”

Well, I thought, she did it. She ordered them.

The previous evening, as I was trying to drift off to sleep in bed while my lovely wife sat next to me alert and on her iPad, she explained to me the details of our daughters’ annual checkups from that morning. The pediatrician had asked my wife if our older daughter was continuing to have sleep issues, and indeed she was, my wife told her. The pediatrician had a recommendation.

Maybe we should try having her wear these special glasses that reduce the impact of blue light and naturally produce melatonin in the body! My wife was on the sun sleep glasses website doing important research.
“It says here the glasses will help you sleep through the night and even help prevent obesity,” she said excitedly. “What do you think?”

“Sure, yeah, whatever,” I said because I was trying to sleep.

“Please look!” she said. “THIS IS AB…

Spam email of the week

Subject: seek a Godly heart

This is powerful advice because it's one thing to hear this in church, quiet another to get it from the unlikely source of a terrible spam email. Kind of stops you in your tracks. It's like, I know the Ten Commandments, but if I were to walk into Spencer's Gifts and see an animatronic monkey toy robotically repeating, "HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER; HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER," it would really drive that point home, you know?

Anyway, what is your name, wise nonperson?

good day,i am mrs daras virginie.

Cool name! I like what you did with all the letters there.

im 82years,

YOUNG! Ha, ha, j/k that is mad old. That's cool how you are 82 and on email. Some of my best friends are 82-year-old email users. Always interfacing about the hottest trends. Anyway, how are you? Good health?

i just survived the 2nd heart attack in less than 2 years

Oh sh*t that sucks re: heart attack. Good to see you're up and running, back on email and everythi…

My accounts and time, apparently not at a premium

With a full-time job and two kids under 5, I have a lot of free time on my hands. One of my favorite things to do with all that free time is to call my bank to find out why they have been charging a $25 monthly “premium” fee on my account for the past several months. Picture me sitting by a pool, drink in hand, my well-behaved children playing quietly nearby, and me on the phone having a lighthearted conversation with a bank representative about why they have been stealing my hard-earned money, and you have a good idea of how this conversation played out.

I would have noticed this unwelcome charge the very first month it was assessed but, again, kids. It’s as if the bank knew the exact time to strike—while I was getting my “hair done” by two adolescent hairdressers while simultaneously trying to text my wife, who was upstairs, to please bring down my phone charger.

One thing I’ve always done when calling customer service is to make sure I get the name of the rep to whom I am speaking.…