Thursday, December 22, 2016

MSN quick links of the week



BOSS: GUYS I FOUND THE PERFECT STOCK PHOTO FOR THE "BIGGEST PIGS TO ENJOY FRONT PORCHES" ARTICLE I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS, PLEASE MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T GET USED ELSEWHERE

INTERN: SHIT



OMG ATTACKED FOR WHAT

HIS DISLIKE OF THE 2015 SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW

I'LL NEVER KNOW

BIGGEST TAKEAWAY: THE BAND RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS HAS A WIFE



IS THAT BAD




CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE SHOT THE NEIGHBOR FROM HOME ALONE

THE REAL QUESTION IS WHO IS WITHHOLDING THE WORD "HAVE" FROM THIS HEADLINE

YOU JUST GOT SERVED, HISTORYINORBIT

I'M SURE THEY WON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN




"HMMM, FEELS LIKE WE WOULD REMEMBER THAT ONE REGARDLESS" -PUBLIC




OK

UNFORTUNATELY WHAT I NEED IS GEENA DAVIS'S DARKENING SCRUB FOR BRIGHT SPOTS

NEVERTHELESS THIS IS A GOOD NEWS ARTICLE THAT I WILL READ WATCH



BOSS: I WANT YOU TO RESEARCH THE WEIRDEST FOOD FACTS IN EVERY STATE

INTERN: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEA-

BOSS: WE WILL SPARE NO EXPENSE, YOUR FIRST CLASS FLIGHT TO WYOMING LEAVES IN 45 MINUTES

INTERN: I JUST ... WHO WILL WATCH MY DOG

BOSS: I HEARD IN WYOMING THEY EAT SKITTLES WITH SPOONS

INTERN: (FRANTICALLY PUTTING ON JACKET)

BOSS: THIS WILL BE YOUR OLD MAN AND THE SEA



(ADDS ELLIPSES TO HEADLINE)

(YOU CLICK)

"WITH YOUR BUTT"

(THERE IS NO ARTICLE, JUST A PICTURE OF A BUTT WITH COOKIE DOUGH ON IT)

(BTW THAT USEFUL CRITIQUE WAS *MY* OLD MAN AND THE SEA)



YA BURNT, COUNCILMAN JAM

LIBRARY CAT WILL OUTLIVE US ALL




WAIT ARE YOU TELLING ME I CAN'T PUT A CUTE-ASS SANTA HAT ON A KITTEN AND BRING IT HOME WITHOUT ANY PHYSICAL REPERCUSSIONS

COOL FITNESS ARTICLE, US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT




TIME TO FIND OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL IF MY SUSPICIONS ARE CORRECT AND THIS GENITAL RASH IS BEING CAUSED BY MY HOT WATER HEATER

OR COULD IT BE POSSIBLE THAT MY REFUSAL TO HEED THE WARNINGS OF US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT HAVE RESULTED IN MY CHRISTMAS CAT MAKING ME ITCHY

SEEMS FAR-FETCHED GET IT

LOL

ANYWAY I SET THE CAT FREE

IMMA JUST CHILL COMMITMENT-FREE WITH LIBRARY CAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Friday, December 16, 2016

Spam email of the week

Dear Sir,

Hello there.

This letter is a final warning notice

  • This is an email. 
  • This is the first warning notice. 
  • This is not a warning.

regarding the death of Late Edward (last name withheld),
  • “death of Late” is redundant
  • “Late” need not be capitalized.
  • A last name would be helpful.

wife and only daughter while on holiday at Louisiana USA

Imagine asking someone where they’re spending their family vacation and they respond, “WE’RE GOING ON HOLIDAY AT LOUISIANA USA.” I put that in CAPS because that’s the only way a person who would ever speak like this would communicate.

in the August 2005 Atlantic hurricane Katrina disaster.

This email is timely.

According to the laws of England and Wales,

Seems relevant re: Katrina.

section 46 of the Administration of Estates Act of 1925 (with subsequent amendments).

Neither coherent nor a sentence. That said, please don't preach to me about foreign laws of which I am obviously already well aware.

My late client's bank has issued me a Final written notice to provide his next-of-kin within 7 days 

Or 11 years, whichever comes first.

or have his funds declared UNCLAIMED and sent into government treasury.

No one wants that. Especially me, his next of kin.

I have been in charge of managing his properties here in London for a long time. There were some of his properties put out for sale before his death,

“I AM SELLING MY HOUSE SO WE CAN GO ON HOLIDAY AT LOUISIANA USA. YOLO.” – Late Edward Cumberbatch IV (last name withheld)

for which payment has since been made. The proceeds of the sale is deposited into his local account here.

These are good, useful facts about how financial transactions generally work.

I found your name in some of his documents

“DEAR DIARY, TODAY I SOLD MY HOUSE. LOUISIANA USA HERE WE COME! MAYBE MY FIFTH COUSIN THRICE REMOVED MIKE WILL BE THERE. HE IS FROM USA. HE HAS A BLOG."

and that is why I traced your email through an advanced search.

You, sir, are a sleuth who knows his way around an advanced search bar. Tip of the ol’ cap.

I am contacting you because you bear the same last-name with my late client.

But wait, my last name is (last name withheld).

O.

M.

G.

I want to know if you are in anyway related to my late client.

In this instance, “anyway” should be two words. If my fifth cousin thrice removed Late Edward was Alive Edward today, he’d call me the grammar police. That was a little joke we had between cousins. He was my cousin.

Regards,

R.cressman &associates.

You are very good at writing your company’s name. I therefore have full confidence that this will proceed accordingly.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

MSN quick links of the week


YOU DO YOUR THING BOSTON GRADS, ABOUT TIME THE AUTO INDUSTRY GOT ITS JUST COMEUPPANCE




HOW DO I GET THIS LINK INTO A TIME CAPSULE SO FUTURE GENERATIONS UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WE'RE ALL ABOUT




HOLD UP IS THIS ... ARE WE TALKING GRADS FROM BOSTON TECH UNIVERSITY

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUDE

I AM WORRIED THE AUTO INDUSTRY CLAPPED BACK






THANK YOU FOR SPECIFYING "ADULT'S" BECAUSE I LEARNED THE HARD WAY THAT A FOOD PROCESSOR IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THE LIL' TIKES COOK N' LEARN

IT DOESN'T HAVE A GFI

ANYWAY I WILL LOOK INTO THIS THING THAT APPEARS TO BE A POT, WHICH I'VE HEARD SOME GOOD THINGS ABOUT




LET US EAT THIS MICKEY MOUSE SHAPED ICE CREAM SANDWICH FOR MORTALITY REMAINS OUR HELPLESS FATE




OMG

IS THERE A DEAD TECH  GRAD ON THE FLOOR



TOUGH TO SAY

BUT YES



I JUST ... NOW WHO'S *THIS* GUY


A PERIOD COMES AFTER A SENTENCE

WHICH THIS IS NOT

BOOM, ROASTED TRADER JOE'S MAC & CHEESE BITES

MMMM ... ROASTED MAC & CHEESE BITES




PLEASE STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF

YA KNOW WHAT FORGET IT, YOU BOSTON/MATH/TECH GRADS DON'T SCARE ME




I TAKE IT BACK

I WILL CLICK

I HAVE EVERQUOTE INSURANCE NOW

YOU WIN

Thursday, December 08, 2016

MSN quick links of the week



NO. 33 TEACH YOUR TWEEN DAUGHTER TO PLAY GUITAR



MY OUTDOOR PILATES CLASS IS TAUGHT BY A SHIRTLESS BIOLOGIST WHO LIVES BEHIND PIZZA HUT

HE TOLD ME THE NEW DEFINITION OF AGING IS "PROCESS BY WHICH YOU MEET ME FOR A DRINK LATER"



THE THING THAT MOST IMPACTS MY CAR-DRIVING EXPERIENCE IS MY CAR KEYS




OH I GET IT, COOLEST

HOW ARE THERE 10 ICE HOTELS

MY OVER/UNDER FOR NUMBER OF WORLDWIDE ICE HOTELS WAS ZERO ICE HOTELS

IMAGINE YOU'RE AN ICE HOTEL THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT HERE

WHAT THE HELL IS SNOWSHOEING



HERE WAS MY JOKE:

"NO. 4 DON'T DRINK SO MUCH RED WINE"

THEN I THOUGHT I BET THAT IS LITERALLY ONE OF THE THINGS


GOOD STUFF



REPLACE "BEST" WITH "WORST" AND YOU CAN HAVE MY CLICK

I WANT TO SHAKE THE HAND OF THE INTERN WHO HAD TO SIFT THROUGH DOZENS OF CELEBRITY PASTA-EATING PHOTOS TO DETERMINE THE SWEET 16

SEE HIS WAR ROOM WHITEBOARD

HUGH JACKMAN + ROTINI  TOO PEDESTRIAN




PLEASE CHOOSE ONE OF THESE 50 INTERNET-ASSIGNED BABY NAMES FOR YOUR ONE-OF-A-KIND (AIR QUOTES) CAUCASIAN BABY

THIS BABY WILL WATCH AS YOU CHOOSE

NO PRESSURE






WE CHOSE CADBURY OK, BACK OFF BABY

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Facebook gif of the week



AUNTY ACID DON’T PLAY

LITERALLY, YOU CAN'T PLAY THIS IT'S A SCREENSHOT

HOWEVER “AUNTY ACID” *IS* A PLAY ON “ANTACID” WHICH IS AN AGENT THAT NEUTRALIZES GASTRIC ACID

ONE IS THEREFORE LEFT TO ASSUME THAT ALL IF NOT MOST OF AUNTY ACID MEMES PORTRAY HER ON THE TOILET

ANYWAY

IN THIS SHORT FILM AUNTY ACID RUNS OUT OF TOILET PAPER

THE JOKE IS THAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO ASSUME THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION IS “A PENIS” EVEN THOUGH THE PICTURE CLEARLY SHOWS AUNTY ACID ON THE TOILET

IMO THIS MEME WOULD BE AN ALL-TIME GREAT IF EVERYTHING REMAINED EXACTLY THE SAME BUT THE ANSWER INDEED WAS “A PENIS”

MAN THAT’S GOOD STUFF

IN THE VIDEO SHE DOES A JERKING MOTION

THE JERKING MOTION OF THE EMPTY ROLL IS SUPPOSED TO FURTHER INSINUATE “PENIS”

EVEN THOUGH SHE’S ON THE TOILET

MY WIFE SAW THIS MEME AND ASKED “WHAT IS A TOILET ROLL”

SHE IS THE BEST

ONE WOULD THINK THAT FOR ALL OF HER GASTROINTESTINAL ISSUES THAT AUNTY ACID WOULD CHECK THE TOILET PAPER ROLL BEFORE SITTING DOWN

FEELS LIKE SHE MADE HER OWN BED TOILET ON THIS ONE

I TRIED TO SAVE THIS VIDEO (IT’S A VIDEO BECAUSE THE JERKING MOTION WAS *THAT* IMPORTANT) TO POST ON THIS BLOG WHICH OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T WORK - IT ONLY SAVED TO FACEBOOK, AND THIS HAPPENED



SO THIS IS ROCK BOTTOM

ALSO IF I DON’T KNOW WHAT A TOILET ROLL IS I DEFINITELY DON’T KNOW WHAT A TOILER ROLL IS

ANYWAY THE ANSWER IS NOT PENIS

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



MIGHT BE THE BEST ANTI-GOOD GIRLS MEME I’VE SEEN TODAY

SOLID PHOTOSHOP WORK

IN THIS METAPHOR FIRE AND ICE = TATTOOS AND A GUITAR

PRETTY SURE AMY GRANT CAN PLAY THE GUITAR SO I’M NOT SURE ABOUT THE THESIS HERE

NEVERTHELESS

“THIS ACTUAL BADASS BITCH WON’T BE RELATABLE BUT IF I CUT AND PASTE BETTY BOOP’S HEAD ONTO HER BODY THEN PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND” - PERSON WHO MADE THIS

“I DON’T COMPREHEND MESSAGES UNLESS THEY ARE RELAYED TO ME VIA RECOGNIZABLE CARTOON CHARACTERS FROM 50 YEARS AGO” – ME

IMAGINE A REAL-LIFE WOMAN WITH AN ARM SLEEVE OF TATTOOS WHO IS IN AN ACTUAL BAND SELF-IDENTIFYING WITH THIS MEME AND SHARING IT UNIRONICALLY

WHICH MEANS THIS MEME’S TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC IS 60-YEAR OLD MOMS WHO CAN POST THIS ON THE FACEBOOK TIMELINES OF THEIR “LIBERAL” DAUGHTERS WITH MESSAGES LIKE “THOUGHT OF YOU WHEN I SAW THIS XOXO WINKY FACE” WHICH READING BETWEEN THE LINES MEANS “SEE I DON’T DESPISE YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES” AND THEN THE DAUGHTER GETS THE NOTIFICATION AND IS LIKE UGH ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS WITH THIS

IT’S POSSIBLE I’M LOOKING TOO MUCH INTO THIS

I AM A MAN BTW

GOOD GUYS ARE MADE OF HANDSHAKES AND COLOGNE BUT I’M A BADASS MOFO FROM THE GD DANGA ZONE

THAT IS A MEME I MADE UP WHERE I PUT DROOPY THE DOG’S FACE ONTO DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER’S BODY

BOTH DOGS SO IT WORKS

IT’S GONNA SELL LIKE HOTCAKES

SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT

I AM TOO BUSY SHREDDING OVER HERE IN MY SLEEVELESS T-SHIRT AND TATTOO BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN MOTIVATED BY THIS MEME

SINCE YOU ASKED YES I AM SHREDDING TO “BABY BABY” BY AMY GRANT

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



LOVING YOUR HUSBAND? HMMM THAT’S A STRETCH BUT LET’S HEAR BETTY BOOP OUT

AFTER ALL BETTY BOOP IS FAMOUS FOR HAVING A HUSBAND

AS A HUSBAND MYSELF I CAN ATTEST TO THIS MEME

I MAKE HER LAUGH (WITH FARTS)

I WIPE HER TEARS (AFTER REALLY BAD FARTS)

AND JUST THE OTHER DAY I CHEECKED HER ON

WIFE: WE NEED TO TALK I THINK I’M HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN FROM THESE CHILDREN

ME: THERE THERE (PLAYING WORDS WITH FRIENDS)

WIFE: ALSO DONALD TRUMP I MEAN IS THIS EVEN REAL LIFE

ME: I KNOW RIGHT WTF

WIFE: I KNEW YOU’D UNDERSTAND, YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE TO CHEECK ME ON

ME: I AM A GOOD HUSBAND … … … … (10-SECOND FART)

WIFE: LOL I LOVE YOU

LET’S SEE WHAT THE MEME COMMENTERS HAVE TO SAY


TRUE LOVE IS WHEN YOUR WIFE TAGS YOU IN A BETTY BOOP HUSBAND MEME AND REFERS TO YOU AS BABY CAKES

SOMEONE MAKE A WIFE MEME FEATURING HE-MAN AND PUT THAT IN THERE



HERE’S TO HOPING A GOOD MAN READS YOUR ELOQUENT WORDS AND DECIDES TO CHEECK YOU ON

GOOD LUCK SHELLY

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Case of the Nips

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We all went out to see Dr. Strange, a guys night that included a pre-movie dinner. My three brothers-in-law, cousin Sal, the incomparable Uncle Carmine and, of course, my father-in-law were the guys involved.

There was a grocery store next to the restaurant, and after dinner it was spontaneously decided that we’d go there to stock up on candy that we’d sneak into the theater. The entire endeavor was admittedly quite juvenile – seven grown-ass men with jobs buying candy on the cheap to sneak into a superhero movie. We regret nothing.

Matt grabbed a Costco-sized bag of Twizzlers. Anthony opted for some gummy bears. I think I saw Milk Duds in the mix. Me? I’m a popcorn guy, although I did partake in the inspired mischievousness by sneaking in a bottle of water. (High School Me is shaking his head in shame and disappointment.) Sal chose a box of Raisinets, which I initially thought was an odd choice although I did indulge in some Raisinet goodness during the movie – they go great with popcorn. Then there was my father-in-law, who excitedly opted for a box of Nips.

Nips, for the uninformed, are hard candy. Far be it from me to question someone’s taste for sweets, but Nips are not exactly the ideal movie candy. You don’t eat them out of a box as much as place them into a small glass bowl next to a framed picture of your grandchildren. You can’t snack on them over the course of a movie as much as suck on one during the course of like, an afternoon.

Moviegoer 1: Pssst, you want some Peanut M&Ms? (holds out box)

Moviegoer 2: NAH FAM, BUT PASS ME A HANDFUL OF THEM WERTHER’S ORIGINALS.

This was seemingly lost on my father-in-law, who treated his choice as quite commonplace and almost cliché, like, OK fine, I’LL get the Nips, but you guys can all share. He actually literally said something to that effect, which left all of us flabbergasted and LOLing in bewilderment. Undeterred but amused, my father-in-law doubled down on his choice my repeating several times in the grocery store aisle, “I love Nips.” This profession, obviously, was not lacking in innuendo, and the smirk on his face as he repeated this phrase seemed to acknowledge as much. Somewhere in there was a Trumpian joke about grabbing the Nips, but this was the day after the election and the wounds were still waaaay too fresh for me to make jokey references. I still can’t even, but I DIGRESS.

Part of me, in the interest of sheer hilarity, wanted my father-in-law to be the only one among us to get caught, a box of Nips falling out of his coat pocket as he handed the usher his movie ticket. Had that happened, however, the usher probably would have thought nothing of it, as if he had witnessed a couple cough drops fall of out the pocket of someone searching for his ticket stub. I’m sorry sir, but you dropped your Nips.

That would have been an appropriate mantra for Guys Night 2016, facilitated by a man with a Ph.D. in placing us in awkward situations. Dr. Strange indeed.

Tuesday, November 08, 2016

Political correctness: a counterpoint



Well, here goes nothin'


Nailed it. I don't know. What I DO know is this does warrant a BREAKDOWN.

Everyohe wants to be politically correct,

When you’re attempting to make a profound or grandiose statement, it’s good practice to make sure you at least spell the first word correctly. An adequately-spelled first word can really draw the reader in and supply them the confidence that they’re in for a well-reasoned statement. If a big steaming pile of nonsense follows, at least a strongly-spelled first word buys you a little time. This … this does not do that.

Let’s also discuss something else. What people describe as “politically correct” is most often a compassionate attempt to not offend. Opposition to political correctness is usually due to people feeling deprived of their ability to issue racist, homophobic, misogynistic, and generally derogatory statements. In the case of the supposed “war on Christmas,” it’s an attempt to clearly claim the season as primarily if not solely Christian despite the fact that other religions celebrate holidays at this time of year. “Happy holidays” is an attempt to wish others well regardless of their religious beliefs, which is in itself a practice that could be accurately described as Christian. Political correctness, therefore, could alternately be known as common decency.

ANYWAY my point is—even if this phrase were spelled correctly, which it’s not—you just KNOW something good is about to happen if only because it’s essentially promising a counter-argument to basic decency.

but even Santa says “ Mary Christmas”.

And there it is. Better than anyone could have ever hoped. Several notes here:

-“*even* Santa” is like … very wrong. You’re using the most recognizable symbol of the holiday (other than Jesus) as validation for your argument, which makes no sense. Try these on:
  • Everyone wants to be politically correct, but even Rabbi Santa says, “Merry Christmas.”
  • Everyone wants to be politically correct, but even "Ru Paul’s Drag Race" contestants say, “Merry Christmas.”
  • Everybody thinks Suicide Squad was a bad movie, but even Margot Robbie from Suicide Squad says it is a good movie. (And “Merry Christmas.”)

-It’s "Merry Christmas." "Mary" is someone who plays a crucial role in the Christmas story and, although she would eventually help spur her Son's first miracle of changing water to wine, she never likewise convinced Him to change a proper noun to an adjective.

-It’s always risky to use a mythological figure to defend a real-life stance. “A lot of people think euthanasia is OK, but let us not forget what the huge dog from The Neverending Story says about the value of life.”

So if he can say it,

If you’re quoting Santa directly here by attributing to him "Mary Christmas," I would argue that he can’t say it. The qualifier is false, and I'm walking away.



OK fine I'm still here,

why can’t you?

You got me. Also, I fully acknowledge the likelihood that Darryl is trolling us all, which would render all of this useless and demand my respect. 

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Spam email of the week

Subject: Position offer 832OZY471838/5531

What has two thumbs and is about to be offered a position?

After saw your resume we found it quite impressive and would like to offer you to be a part of friendly team.

Dope. This excellent verbiage lends an air of legitimacy to this job offer. By the way where did you see my resume? I posted one version to a site called doperesumes.com that listed my objective as “being part of a friendly team” and my skills as “friendliness” and “liking teams.” That was probably the one.

I am Clarissa M. Guillen and I am HR Manager at enterprise named Buying LLC. At this moment we have an opening for Personal Virtual Assistant.

Will you hold it against me if I am an actual person? I’m not saying I am, just wondering. (Oh, another one of my skills is “buying.” Forgot to mention that on the rez.)

Salary: $3,000.00 $36,000 Annual Salary;

Three grand a year seems a little on the low end, but I understand this uniquely-named LLC is probably a start-up. I can make sacrifices at the outset. That said, are there bonuses?

Bonuses: Yes;

OK, that seems explanatory enough. Judging from the salary range, I’ll guess the bonuses can be anything from a fruit basket to an airplane.

Career growth: Available;

Is it too early to decline this? I decline this.

Trial period: Yes, 30-Day;

For you or me? Let’s say for you.

Post schedule: 5 days a week on regular tasks; few hours per day;

Yeah well, OK, I mean, I know I’m new to this job, but this seems a little micro-manage-y. I’m used to working a couple, or—if it’s really crazy—a handful of hours per day. On menial tasks. I don’t do Fridays. We’ll talk.

Type of job: home-based;

Whenever I meet someone and I ask, “What type of job do you have?” and they say “Home-based,” I know I am dealing with someone who is good at jobs and also describing them. Anyway, this seems perfectly in line with being part of a friendly team.

Please look below at basic job duties:

I am going to look below now.

- Research for projects as needed using the Internet;

I’m familiar with the internet. Hoping that “as needed” means “not often.” And by “projects” you mean “bras.” And by “research” you mean “research.”

- Shopping and acquisitions including gift ideas, purchasing, wrapping and delivering as needed;

Wait, is my boss Santa Claus?!

- Arrangements for VIP or out-of-town customers with scheduling, booking, collaboration and follow-up.

“Yes, Mel Gibson, I understand you are concerned that I have not booked your trip yet to the La Quinta Inn for the big Buying LLC convention. But I am still researching on the internet while also trying to gift wrap this tin of sugar cookies. You’ll just have to be patient. What? No, sugar cookies. Oh. You really shouldn’t call me that.”

For you to fill this vacancy you have to be at least 18 y.o..

These qualifications are tough, but I am checking off all the boxes here.

It is a plus to be experienced in office equipment handling.

Oh I can handle the equipment all right.




That was a sexua-

We expect you to start work ASAP.

Uh too late because I’ve already started. I am at my desk and just bought a bunch of stuff. How do I submit for reimbursement? What is our tax ID?

Please write us back and we will get in touch with you shortly for a conversation.

About the bonus, right? Because I have questions/ideas.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



TEACH ME SOMETHIN PAPA

DON’T GET ME WRONG THIS EMPTY BOX AND FLOOR POTTY ARE LUXURIES I DON’T TAKE FOR GRANTED

AND DARN TOOTIN’ THESE OSH GOSH B’GOSHES DIDN’T GROW ON OL’ MR. MCGOVERN’S FAMOUS HICKORY TREE

THAT’S ALL WELL AND GOOD BUT GEE WHIZ PAPA I’M 3 NOW AND IT’S ABOUT TIME I LEARNED THE WAYS OF THE WORLD

LIKE HOW DO YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A RIDIN’ TRACTOR WHEN THE SHIFTER’S OFF CENTER

WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO TELL A YOUNG LASS HOW YA’ REALLY FEEL, HOW YOU’D LIKE HER TO ONE DAY RAISE OUR OWN EIGHT YOUNGINS AND LEARN FROM MAMA HOW TO MAKE THE BEST CHICKEN POT PIE

HOW CAN I RETREAT FURTHER INTO A COCOON OF ROMANTICIZED REPUBLICAN IDEALS WHILE THIS DANG WORLD CONTINUES TO EVOLVE (AIR QUOTES) IN A WAY THAT DEMANDS I PRESS 1 FOR SPANISH

AWW SHUCKS PAPA I JUST WANNA SPEND SOME TIME WITCHA I RECKON

WHAT SAY YOU AND I HEAD DOWN TO SMITHTOWN LAKE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON FISHIN’

PAPA: IT AIN’T “YOU AND I” YA’ DANG FOOL, IT’S “ME AND YA’LLS”

LOOKS LIKE THE TEACHIN’ DONE ALREADY GOT STARTED PAPA

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



GARFIELD, YOU MAD BRO?

THIS SENTIMENT DOES NOT ALIGN WITH GARFIELD’S BODY LANGUAGE

COULD IT BE THAT GARFIELD LACKS TRUE FRIENDS

CAUSE I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER A LIL’ JOINT CALLED “GARFIELD AND FRIENDS” THAT I USED TO WATCH ALL DAY ERRRDAY, FAM

ANYWAY LET’S SEE WHAT FOLKS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT TRUE FRIENDS



HOLD UP YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND

I GUESS ALL THAT LOVIN’ IS FOR NAUGHT WITHOUT TRUE FRIENDS

HUSBAND: AYYO SAW YOUR FRIEND JOANNE AT STARBUCKS SHE WAS CHECKING OUT MY JUNK

CAROLYN: WHAT? THAT B*TCH I THOUGHT SHE WAS A TRUE FRIEND

HUSBAND: YEAH THAT SUCKS FOR YOU

CAROLYN: SO WAIT HOW FAR DID THAT GO, YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THREE HOURS

HUSBAND: WHAT (turns on blender)

CAROLYN: FORGET IT, GUESS I’LL NEVER KNOW

“NOT SURE HOW FAR THAT WENT SO HARD”

FOR ONCE, AN APPROPRIATE LACK OF PUNCTUATION


THINGS HAVE TAKEN A MORBID TURN ON THIS GARFIELD FRIENDS MEME

NOT SURE HOW TO REACT TO THIS

MAY I SUBMIT




?


THANK YOU SHERRY JUMP



I INFER BY THIS OBESE CRYING CAT EMOJI THAT YOUR FRIENDS HAVE BETRAYED YOU

I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE ON THIS GARFIELD MEME COMMENT THREAD WHEN I SAY, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE SHARON

I RECOMMEND YOU CONTACT SHERRY JUMP, SHE SEEMS CHILL

Friday, September 16, 2016

On a car

A while back, my father-in-law was regaling to us a story about how Uber had failed him. It’s important to note that he only reluctantly agreed to try Uber on his son’s, my brother-in-law Matt’s, recommendation. These types of situations tend to go one of two ways: my father-in-law has success with the recommendation immediately, admits his skepticism was misinformed, and swears by said thing for the rest of his life (see: Apple products, "Homeland," Federal Pizza in Phoenix), OR you may never mention that thing again because it is the worst and it is dead to him (see: everything else).

Anyway, the gist of the story is this: My father-in-law contacted Uber to pick him up somewhere in the city; the Uber driver was having difficulty finding him; my father-in-law ended up getting in a vehicle that, for some reason, he thought was Uber but wasn’t; and he ultimately got charged $50 for canceling the Uber ride he had originally arranged. You might imagine how he feels about Uber.

Actually, you might, literally, imagine how he feels about Uber because throughout this story he kept referring to the company as something else altogether: Hoober or, more accurately, Hubert, with a heavy emphasis on the “H.” During this retelling, Matt initially corrected this pronunciation but—to our amusement—it was willfully ignored and repeated throughout. We privately chalked it up to my father-in-law’s Italian accent. Near the end of the story, as we approached the inevitable climax that proved my father-in-law was not in the wrong (he kind of was), he frantically searched for concrete evidence of such. Thankfully, he found a text proclaiming his innocence:




There is a lot to love about this, not the least of which is the mental imagery of my father-in-law sitting on top of a car named Hubert. It mostly, however, serves to account for the confusion that took place during this incident. Here is Uber looking for my father-in-law, while my father-in-law remains engaged in a frantic search for Hubert. It’s a wonder he made it home at all, much less in a vehicle that, to my knowledge, does not exist.

This could potentially mean that, in my father-in-law’s estimation, there is hope yet for Uber, although it’s highly unlikely. Suffice it to say, Hubert is dead.

If you would like to learn more about my father-in-law -- and why wouldn't you? -- please buy this book. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



I HAVE ONE REQUEST AFTER YOU ARE DONE LOLLING AT THIS EXCELLENT MEME

PLEASE DON’T LET THE SPELLING OF THIS MEME DISTRACT YOU FROM THE EQUALLY ADEPT PHOTOSHOP WORK ON THE MINION’S GLOVE AND BOOT

NOW WHO ELSE OUT THERE HAS TRIPPED AND BLAMED IT ON A SAD FLOOR



“BACK IN THE DAY I USED TO TRIP ON THINGS BUT THIS CANDY IS ALL GROWN UP NOW, I HAVE A SMURF AVATAR AND COMMENT ON MINION MEMES WITH EMOJIS”



YES I BELIEVE THAT IS THE SAYING



WHO REMEMBERS DA TIME WEN A-RON TRIPPED OVER DA STEP IN CREATIONS

LIFE IS BUT A COLLAGE OF SUCH PRECIOUS MEMORIES



THE WINNER IS VIRGINIA



HELLO BETSTROM RU WELCOME TO THE PARTY






“NOT GREAT DREW, JUST FELL ON MY FACE AND THEN POSTED WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A HILARIOUS COMMENT BEFORE I READ THE OTHER COMMENTS

ANYWAY HOW ARE YOU”



REMIX



(FLIPS FURIOUSLY THROUGH MY CALENDAR OF TRIPS)

OMG ZOLTON LUKAS I TRIPPED AT CHUCK-E-CHEESE THE SAME TIME ON THE SAME EXACT DAY I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS WHAT ARE THE ODDS



THAT FACE YOU MAKE WHEN YOU TRY TO STRETCH AN ALREADY DUMB SCENARIO BEYOND ITS LIMITS AND A TYPO MAKES YOU COME ACROSS AS AN INCOHERENT CRAZY PERSON



IF I HAD THE PHOTOSHOP SKILLS OF THIS MEME-MAKER I WOULD TAKE A BITE OUT OF HELEN'S HEAD



OMG HERE WE ARE LAUGHING AND NO ONE HAS THOUGHT TO CHECK AND SEE IF THIS MINION IS OK



CHRIS: (TRIPS)

ELSE: LOL HAVE A NICE TRIP SEE YOU NEST FALL

CHRIS: IT’S NEXT FALL ASSHOLE

ELSE: UH WRONG, IT’S NEST FALL BECAUSE FALL IS WHEN THE FAMOUS TRIPPING BIRD BUILDS ITS NEST

CHRIS: YEAH WELL I DIDN’T EVEN TRIP THIS FLOOR NEDDED A HUG

ELSE: IT’S NEEDED ASSHOLE

CHRIS: UH WRONG, IT’S NEDDED BECAUSE … I JUST … OK FINE YOU WIN THIS ROUND, WILL YOU AT LEAST HELP ME UP

ELSE: HA OK SURE, LIKE I ALWAYS SAY YOU ARE ACCIDENT GOING SOMEWHERE TO HAPPEN



IF DEBBIE GAY FALLS IN THE CHICKEN HOUSES BUT NO ONE IS THERE TO SEE IT DID SHE REALLY GIVE THE GROUND A HUG

KIND OF MAKES YA’ THINK