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Showing posts from 2016

MSN quick links of the week

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BOSS: GUYS I FOUND THE PERFECT STOCK PHOTO FOR THE "BIGGEST PIGS TO ENJOY FRONT PORCHES" ARTICLE I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS, PLEASE MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T GET USED ELSEWHERE

INTERN: SHIT



OMG ATTACKED FOR WHAT

HIS DISLIKE OF THE 2015 SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW

I'LL NEVER KNOW

BIGGEST TAKEAWAY: THE BAND RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS HAS A WIFE



IS THAT BAD




CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE SHOT THE NEIGHBOR FROM HOME ALONE

THE REAL QUESTION IS WHO IS WITHHOLDING THE WORD "HAVE" FROM THIS HEADLINE

YOU JUST GOT SERVED, HISTORYINORBIT

I'M SURE THEY WON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN




"HMMM, FEELS LIKE WE WOULD REMEMBER THAT ONE REGARDLESS" -PUBLIC




OK

UNFORTUNATELY WHAT I NEED IS GEENA DAVIS'S DARKENING SCRUB FOR BRIGHT SPOTS

NEVERTHELESS THIS IS A GOOD NEWS ARTICLE THAT I WILL READ WATCH



BOSS: I WANT YOU TO RESEARCH THE WEIRDEST FOOD FACTS IN EVERY STATE

INTERN: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEA-

BOSS: WE WILL SPARE NO EXPENSE, YOUR FIRST CLASS FLIGHT TO WY…

Spam email of the week

Dear Sir,
Hello there.

This letter is a final warning notice
This is an email. This is the first warning notice. This is not a warning.
regarding the death of Late Edward (last name withheld),
“death of Late” is redundant“Late” need not be capitalized.A last name would be helpful.
wife and only daughter while on holiday at Louisiana USA
Imagine asking someone where they’re spending their family vacation and they respond, “WE’RE GOING ON HOLIDAY AT LOUISIANA USA.” I put that in CAPS because that’s the only way a person who would ever speak like this would communicate.
in the August 2005 Atlantic hurricane Katrina disaster.
This email is timely.
According to the laws of England and Wales,
Seems relevant re: Katrina.
section 46 of the Administration of Estates Act of 1925 (with subsequent amendments).
Neither coherent nor a sentence. That said, please don't preach to me about foreign laws of which I am obviously already well aware.
My late client's bank has issued me a Final written notice to…

MSN quick links of the week

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YOU DO YOUR THING BOSTON GRADS, ABOUT TIME THE AUTO INDUSTRY GOT ITS JUST COMEUPPANCE




HOW DO I GET THIS LINK INTO A TIME CAPSULE SO FUTURE GENERATIONS UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WE'RE ALL ABOUT




HOLD UP IS THIS ... ARE WE TALKING GRADS FROM BOSTON TECH UNIVERSITY

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUDE

I AM WORRIED THE AUTO INDUSTRY CLAPPED BACK






THANK YOU FOR SPECIFYING "ADULT'S" BECAUSE I LEARNED THE HARD WAY THAT A FOOD PROCESSOR IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THE LIL' TIKES COOK N' LEARN

IT DOESN'T HAVE A GFI

ANYWAY I WILL LOOK INTO THIS THING THAT APPEARS TO BE A POT, WHICH I'VE HEARD SOME GOOD THINGS ABOUT




LET US EAT THIS MICKEY MOUSE SHAPED ICE CREAM SANDWICH FOR MORTALITY REMAINS OUR HELPLESS FATE




OMG

IS THERE A DEAD TECH  GRAD ON THE FLOOR



TOUGH TO SAY

BUT YES



I JUST ... NOW WHO'S *THIS* GUY


A PERIOD COMES AFTER A SENTENCE

WHICH THIS IS NOT

BOOM, ROASTED TRADER JOE'S MAC & CHEESE BITES

MMMM ... ROASTED MAC & CHEESE BITES




PLEASE STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF

MSN quick links of the week

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NO. 33 TEACH YOUR TWEEN DAUGHTER TO PLAY GUITAR



MY OUTDOOR PILATES CLASS IS TAUGHT BY A SHIRTLESS BIOLOGIST WHO LIVES BEHIND PIZZA HUT

HE TOLD ME THE NEW DEFINITION OF AGING IS "PROCESS BY WHICH YOU MEET ME FOR A DRINK LATER"



THE THING THAT MOST IMPACTS MY CAR-DRIVING EXPERIENCE IS MY CAR KEYS




OH I GET IT, COOLEST

HOW ARE THERE 10 ICE HOTELS

MY OVER/UNDER FOR NUMBER OF WORLDWIDE ICE HOTELS WAS ZERO ICE HOTELS

IMAGINE YOU'RE AN ICE HOTEL THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT HERE

WHAT THE HELL IS SNOWSHOEING



HERE WAS MY JOKE:

"NO. 4 DON'T DRINK SO MUCH RED WINE"

THEN I THOUGHT I BET THAT IS LITERALLY ONE OF THE THINGS


GOOD STUFF



REPLACE "BEST" WITH "WORST" AND YOU CAN HAVE MY CLICK

I WANT TO SHAKE THE HAND OF THE INTERN WHO HAD TO SIFT THROUGH DOZENS OF CELEBRITY PASTA-EATING PHOTOS TO DETERMINE THE SWEET 16

SEE HIS WAR ROOM WHITEBOARD

HUGH JACKMAN + ROTINI  TOO PEDESTRIAN




PLEASE CHOOSE ONE OF THESE 50 INTERNET-ASSIGNED BABY NAMES FOR YOUR ONE-OF-…

Facebook gif of the week

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AUNTY ACID DON’T PLAY

LITERALLY, YOU CAN'T PLAY THIS IT'S A SCREENSHOT
HOWEVER “AUNTY ACID” *IS* A PLAY ON “ANTACID” WHICH IS AN AGENT THAT NEUTRALIZES GASTRIC ACID
ONE IS THEREFORE LEFT TO ASSUME THAT ALL IF NOT MOST OF AUNTY ACID MEMES PORTRAY HER ON THE TOILET
ANYWAY
IN THIS SHORT FILM AUNTY ACID RUNS OUT OF TOILET PAPER
THE JOKE IS THAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO ASSUME THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION IS “A PENIS” EVEN THOUGH THE PICTURE CLEARLY SHOWS AUNTY ACID ON THE TOILET
IMO THIS MEME WOULD BE AN ALL-TIME GREAT IF EVERYTHING REMAINED EXACTLY THE SAME BUT THE ANSWER INDEED WAS “A PENIS”
MAN THAT’S GOOD STUFF
IN THE VIDEO SHE DOES A JERKING MOTION

THE JERKING MOTION OF THE EMPTY ROLL IS SUPPOSED TO FURTHER INSINUATE “PENIS”
EVEN THOUGH SHE’S ON THE TOILET
MY WIFE SAW THIS MEME AND ASKED “WHAT IS A TOILET ROLL”
SHE IS THE BEST
ONE WOULD THINK THAT FOR ALL OF HER GASTROINTESTINAL ISSUES THAT AUNTY ACID WOULD CHECK THE TOILET PAPER ROLL BEFORE SITTING DOWN
FEELS LIKE SHE MADE HER OWN B…

Facebook meme of the week

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MIGHT BE THE BEST ANTI-GOOD GIRLS MEME I’VE SEEN TODAY
SOLID PHOTOSHOP WORK

IN THIS METAPHOR FIRE AND ICE = TATTOOS AND A GUITAR
PRETTY SURE AMY GRANT CAN PLAY THE GUITAR SO I’M NOT SURE ABOUT THE THESIS HERE
NEVERTHELESS
“THIS ACTUAL BADASS BITCH WON’T BE RELATABLE BUT IF I CUT AND PASTE BETTY BOOP’S HEAD ONTO HER BODY THEN PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND” - PERSON WHO MADE THIS
“I DON’T COMPREHEND MESSAGES UNLESS THEY ARE RELAYED TO ME VIA RECOGNIZABLE CARTOON CHARACTERS FROM 50 YEARS AGO” – ME
IMAGINE A REAL-LIFE WOMAN WITH AN ARM SLEEVE OF TATTOOS WHO IS IN AN ACTUAL BAND SELF-IDENTIFYING WITH THIS MEME AND SHARING IT UNIRONICALLY
WHICH MEANS THIS MEME’S TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC IS 60-YEAR OLD MOMS WHO CAN POST THIS ON THE FACEBOOK TIMELINES OF THEIR “LIBERAL” DAUGHTERS WITH MESSAGES LIKE “THOUGHT OF YOU WHEN I SAW THIS XOXO WINKY FACE” WHICH READING BETWEEN THE LINES MEANS “SEE I DON’T DESPISE YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES” AND THEN THE DAUGHTER GETS THE NOTIFICATION AND IS LIKE UG…

Facebook meme of the week

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LOVING YOUR HUSBAND? HMMM THAT’S A STRETCH BUT LET’S HEAR BETTY BOOP OUT
AFTER ALL BETTY BOOP IS FAMOUS FOR HAVING A HUSBAND
AS A HUSBAND MYSELF I CAN ATTEST TO THIS MEME
I MAKE HER LAUGH (WITH FARTS)
I WIPE HER TEARS (AFTER REALLY BAD FARTS)
AND JUST THE OTHER DAY I CHEECKED HER ON
WIFE: WE NEED TO TALK I THINK I’M HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN FROM THESE CHILDREN
ME: THERE THERE (PLAYING WORDS WITH FRIENDS)
WIFE: ALSO DONALD TRUMP I MEAN IS THIS EVEN REAL LIFE
ME: I KNOW RIGHT WTF
WIFE: I KNEW YOU’D UNDERSTAND, YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE TO CHEECK ME ON
ME: I AM A GOOD HUSBAND … … … … (10-SECOND FART)
WIFE: LOL I LOVE YOU
LET’S SEE WHAT THE MEME COMMENTERS HAVE TO SAY

TRUE LOVE IS WHEN YOUR WIFE TAGS YOU IN A BETTY BOOP HUSBAND MEME AND REFERS TO YOU AS BABY CAKES

SOMEONE MAKE A WIFE MEME FEATURING HE-MAN AND PUT THAT IN THERE


HERE’S TO HOPING A GOOD MAN READS YOUR ELOQUENT WORDS AND DECIDES TO CHEECK YOU ON

GOOD LUCK SHELLY

Case of the Nips

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We all went out to see Dr. Strange, a guys night that included a pre-movie dinner. My three brothers-in-law, cousin Sal, the incomparable Uncle Carmine and, of course, my father-in-law were the guys involved.
There was a grocery store next to the restaurant, and after dinner it was spontaneously decided that we’d go there to stock up on candy that we’d sneak into the theater. The entire endeavor was admittedly quite juvenile – seven grown-ass men with jobs buying candy on the cheap to sneak into a superhero movie. We regret nothing.
Matt grabbed a Costco-sized bag of Twizzlers. Anthony opted for some gummy bears. I think I saw Milk Duds in the mix. Me? I’m a popcorn guy, although I did partake in the inspired mischievousness by sneaking in a bottle of water. (High School Me is shaking his head in shame and disappointment.) Sal chose a box of Raisinets, which I initially thought was an odd choice although I did indulge in some Raisinet goodness during the movie – they g…

Political correctness: a counterpoint

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Well, here goes nothin'


Nailed it. I don't know. What I DO know is this does warrant a BREAKDOWN.

Everyohe wants to be politically correct,
When you’re attempting to make a profound or grandiose statement, it’s good practice to make sure you at least spell the first word correctly. An adequately-spelled first word can really draw the reader in and supply them the confidence that they’re in for a well-reasoned statement. If a big steaming pile of nonsense follows, at least a strongly-spelled first word buys you a little time. This … this does not do that.
Let’s also discuss something else. What people describe as “politically correct” is most often a compassionate attempt to not offend. Opposition to political correctness is usually due to people feeling deprived of their ability to issue racist, homophobic, misogynistic, and generally derogatory statements. In the case of the supposed “war on Christmas,” it’s an attempt to clearly claim the season as primarily if not solely Ch…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Position offer 832OZY471838/5531
What has two thumbs and is about to be offered a position?
After saw your resume we found it quite impressive and would like to offer you to be a part of friendly team.
Dope. This excellent verbiage lends an air of legitimacy to this job offer. By the way where did you see my resume? I posted one version to a site called doperesumes.com that listed my objective as “being part of a friendly team” and my skills as “friendliness” and “liking teams.” That was probably the one.
I am Clarissa M. Guillen and I am HR Manager at enterprise named Buying LLC. At this moment we have an opening for Personal Virtual Assistant.
Will you hold it against me if I am an actual person? I’m not saying I am, just wondering. (Oh, another one of my skills is “buying.” Forgot to mention that on the rez.)
Salary: $3,000.00 $36,000 Annual Salary;
Three grand a year seems a little on the low end, but I understand this uniquely-named LLC is probably a start-up. I can make sacrif…

Facebook meme of the week

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TEACH ME SOMETHIN PAPA
DON’T GET ME WRONG THIS EMPTY BOX AND FLOOR POTTY ARE LUXURIES I DON’T TAKE FOR GRANTED
AND DARN TOOTIN’ THESE OSH GOSH B’GOSHES DIDN’T GROW ON OL’ MR. MCGOVERN’S FAMOUS HICKORY TREE
THAT’S ALL WELL AND GOOD BUT GEE WHIZ PAPA I’M 3 NOW AND IT’S ABOUT TIME I LEARNED THE WAYS OF THE WORLD
LIKE HOW DO YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A RIDIN’ TRACTOR WHEN THE SHIFTER’S OFF CENTER
WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO TELL A YOUNG LASS HOW YA’ REALLY FEEL, HOW YOU’D LIKE HER TO ONE DAY RAISE OUR OWN EIGHT YOUNGINS AND LEARN FROM MAMA HOW TO MAKE THE BEST CHICKEN POT PIE
HOW CAN I RETREAT FURTHER INTO A COCOON OF ROMANTICIZED REPUBLICAN IDEALS WHILE THIS DANG WORLD CONTINUES TO EVOLVE (AIR QUOTES) IN A WAY THAT DEMANDS I PRESS 1 FOR SPANISH
AWW SHUCKS PAPA I JUST WANNA SPEND SOME TIME WITCHA I RECKON
WHAT SAY YOU AND I HEAD DOWN TO SMITHTOWN LAKE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON FISHIN’
PAPA: IT AIN’T “YOU AND I” YA’ DANG FOOL, IT’S “ME AND YA’LLS”
LOOKS LIKE THE TEACHIN’ DONE ALREADY GOT STARTED PAPA

Facebook meme of the week

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GARFIELD, YOU MAD BRO?
THIS SENTIMENT DOES NOT ALIGN WITH GARFIELD’S BODY LANGUAGE
COULD IT BE THAT GARFIELD LACKS TRUE FRIENDS
CAUSE I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER A LIL’ JOINT CALLED “GARFIELD AND FRIENDS” THAT I USED TO WATCH ALL DAY ERRRDAY, FAM
ANYWAY LET’S SEE WHAT FOLKS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT TRUE FRIENDS


HOLD UP YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND
I GUESS ALL THAT LOVIN’ IS FOR NAUGHT WITHOUT TRUE FRIENDS
HUSBAND: AYYO SAW YOUR FRIEND JOANNE AT STARBUCKS SHE WAS CHECKING OUT MY JUNK
CAROLYN: WHAT? THAT B*TCH I THOUGHT SHE WAS A TRUE FRIEND
HUSBAND: YEAH THAT SUCKS FOR YOU
CAROLYN: SO WAIT HOW FAR DID THAT GO, YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THREE HOURS
HUSBAND: WHAT (turns on blender)
CAROLYN: FORGET IT, GUESS I’LL NEVER KNOW
“NOT SURE HOW FAR THAT WENT SO HARD”
FOR ONCE, AN APPROPRIATE LACK OF PUNCTUATION

THINGS HAVE TAKEN A MORBID TURN ON THIS GARFIELD FRIENDS MEME
NOT SURE HOW TO REACT TO THIS
MAY I SUBMIT




?

THANK YOU SHERRY JUMP


I INFER BY THIS OBESE CRYING CAT EMOJI THAT YOUR FRIENDS HAVE BETRAYED …

On a car

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A while back, my father-in-law was regaling to us a story about how Uber had failed him. It’s important to note that he only reluctantly agreed to try Uber on his son’s, my brother-in-law Matt’s, recommendation. These types of situations tend to go one of two ways: my father-in-law has success with the recommendation immediately, admits his skepticism was misinformed, and swears by said thing for the rest of his life (see: Apple products, "Homeland," Federal Pizza in Phoenix), OR you may never mention that thing again because it is the worst and it is dead to him (see: everything else).
Anyway, the gist of the story is this: My father-in-law contacted Uber to pick him up somewhere in the city; the Uber driver was having difficulty finding him; my father-in-law ended up getting in a vehicle that, for some reason, he thought was Uber but wasn’t; and he ultimately got charged $50 for canceling the Uber ride he had originally arranged. You might imagine how he feels about Uber.

Facebook meme of the week

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I HAVE ONE REQUEST AFTER YOU ARE DONE LOLLING AT THIS EXCELLENT MEME
PLEASE DON’T LET THE SPELLING OF THIS MEME DISTRACT YOU FROM THE EQUALLY ADEPT PHOTOSHOP WORK ON THE MINION’S GLOVE AND BOOT
NOW WHO ELSE OUT THERE HAS TRIPPED AND BLAMED IT ON A SAD FLOOR


“BACK IN THE DAY I USED TO TRIP ON THINGS BUT THIS CANDY IS ALL GROWN UP NOW, I HAVE A SMURF AVATAR AND COMMENT ON MINION MEMES WITH EMOJIS”


YES I BELIEVE THAT IS THE SAYING


WHO REMEMBERS DA TIME WEN A-RON TRIPPED OVER DA STEP IN CREATIONS
LIFE IS BUT A COLLAGE OF SUCH PRECIOUS MEMORIES


THE WINNER IS VIRGINIA


HELLO BETSTROM RU WELCOME TO THE PARTY





“NOT GREAT DREW, JUST FELL ON MY FACE AND THEN POSTED WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A HILARIOUS COMMENT BEFORE I READ THE OTHER COMMENTS
ANYWAY HOW ARE YOU”


REMIX


(FLIPS FURIOUSLY THROUGH MY CALENDAR OF TRIPS)
OMG ZOLTON LUKAS I TRIPPED AT CHUCK-E-CHEESE THE SAME TIME ON THE SAME EXACT DAY I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS WHAT ARE THE ODDS


THAT FACE YOU MAKE WHEN YOU TRY TO STRETCH AN ALREADY DUMB SCENARIO BE…