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Showing posts from April, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re: Cost of percutaneous Nephrolithtomy

This is a rhetorical subject, as everyone knows the cost of percutaneous nephrolithomy is your very soul. Also: around $6,000.

From: Okey Ukachukwu

Not in my contacts for some reason.

Dear Sir,

Compliments of the season.I was diagnosed as having kidney stone that require surgery as the stone is quite big


This is you, in April: "Merry Christmas. I have a giant stone to pass through my penis."

1cm " in the right kidney. I have attached a copy of the ivu report.

(reviews IVU report) Yep, that's a kidney stone alright. But what the hell are those things? (points to ribcage with Twizzler I am eating) There's like a dozen of 'em. Pretty sure you might die.

My doctor has advised I do percutaneousnephrolithtomy

I see the kidney stones are already causing slurred speech. This is ... (long yawn) ... extremely urgent.

 and I will like to know the cost.

Here are the top four ways to respond when your doctor recommends percutaneo…

It was for the better, it was a wall of good

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The following column appears in the 4/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/1 issue of the Peoria Times, and, in the context of those publications, it is also my last. I have accepted a new position as a writer elsewhere, in a much different capacity, because YOLO. How this affects the personal writing in general and this blog specifically remains to be seen, but this is a very positive development for me and I am excited so please don't kill my vibe. I mean, I love you.
When you really think about, which I do often, there is no reason I should write the things I do in this newspaper. It wasn’t long ago I wrote an entire column about how I have belly button lint—using a different hygienic issue, armpit stains, as a wonderful lead-in. Taken out of context, that makes no sense. Taken in context, that makes no sense. WHAT IS THIS? is a question I couldn’t blame you in the least for asking.
My answer: I don’t know. I never really did, I guess. I tried to keep it local at first, but …

Spam email of the week

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Subject: From Mr Pablo Dench Pirez
Wonder who this is from.
From Mr Pablo Dench Pirez
OK.
p.pirez@aol.fr
Got it. I thought you sounded French.
Please let all correspondence be on my personal email address pablopirez19700@yahoo.co.jp
I mean Japanese. Is this email going to start anytime soon?
Kindest Attention:

My name is Mr Pablo Dench Pirez, I am from Portugal .

I thought you sounded Portuguese.
I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defied all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live,according to medical experts.
Well at least you’ve lived life well.
I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business.
Don’t beat yourself up for loving your business too much. The world would be a better place if more people treated their businesses better than they do actual people. It’s like they always say:
“Naughty girls Businesses need love too.” – Samantha Foxxxxxx
Though I am very ric…

Spam email of the week

Subject: rare earth new materials supplier

All of my earth materials are common and old. This email piques my interest.

Dear Sir/Madam,

One of the common earth materials I own is a penis, for the record.

Glad to learn you are on the markert of rare earth new materials,

Boy, word spreads fast. You tell one person at an earth party that you’re on the markert—you said “on” and slurred market because you were drunk on peach schnapps—for rare new materials, and next thing you know, you’re getting emails.

We are a leading supplier of the new naterials in China.


Has China heard of the new material called spell check? J/k, what are your main products?

main products:

1.rare earth salts and oxides


Been looking for those.

2.rare earth polishing powder

Can’t find that on Amazon, amirite? I’ll take a dozen. ‘BOUT TO POLISH THE EARTH, SON.

3.rare earth catalyst

You don’t think you need a rare earth catalyst until you have a rare earth catalyst. Is a thing I am going to say when I get one. Cop it.

4.rare earth ph…

Loud and clear: a breakdown of spousal communication

Here is something that happens to me pretty much every single day.
I’ll be in a room somewhere in the house, doing something productive since I have no time for leisure, and my wife will storm into the room and say, “I’VE BEEN CALLING YOU!”
I will, as calmly as I can muster, remind her that I am in this room and obviously did not hear her since she was in a different room. Her frustrated mannerisms seem to refute this explanation, and I am left wondering if she honestly thinks I did hear her calling me and simply thought to myself, I hear a person who sounds like my wife calling me in a time of need, but I choose not to answer. This is where I seriously lament the stereotype of dumb and lazy husbands who have selective hearing, especially considering what I am doing at that very moment is more than likely washing dishes or wiping a child’s rear end.
If I can manage to convince my wife that I did not, in fact, hear her, she changes course and takes issue with one of my senses. “THEN Y…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: CONTACT MY SECRETARY MR JAMES PACK FOR YOUR CHEQUE
OK EMAIL
Good day TO You!!
LOL EMPHASIZE MUCH?
It is my pleasure to reach you after our successful attempt on our business transaction. Well, I just want to use this medium to thank you very much for your earlier assistance to help me in receiving the fund,
DIDN’T HELP, DON’T KNOW ANYTHING, I HATE YOU, YOU’RE WELCOME THO
I am obliged to inform you that I have succeeded in transferring the fund with the help of a new partner from Paraguay Mr.James Pack.
CONGRATS ON FIGURING OUT HOW TO TRANSFER MONEY. YOUR NEW PARTNER SOUNDS TOTES PARAGUAYAN
Everything was perfectly done because we stroke a deal with one of the Lady accountant
SORRY YOUR LADY ACCOUNTANT HAD A STROKE, I WILL SEND A SYMPATHY CARD (NOPE)
In appreciation of your earlier assistance to me in receiving the funds, I have decided to compensate you with the sum of $1.5million USD(One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars),
OH YEAH I REMEMBER NOW THAT I HELPED

Recalling all the recalls: a one-year vehicle retrospective

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I would say 60 percent of the mail I receive is from car dealerships urging me to do something important, namely, to see them immediately. Every now and then, a humungous piece of worthless mail I receive from a car dealership will literally have a key stuck to it. I once assumed this was the key to a new vehicle I won in a contest I unknowingly entered, but I soon discovered it is merely symbolic. This seems, to me, quite curious and expensive in the effort of symbolism, as the latest car sold to me features keyless entry and—take it from someone who mails newspapers for a living—mailing stuff is not cheap, especially when it has hunks of symbolic metal stuck to it. It’s good to see at least part of the ridiculous car dealership mark-up goes toward flushing money down the toilet and also hurting the environment. I remember years ago, after spending the entire day at a dealership and making the informed decision to purchase a vehicle, I received a letter from said dealership a month …

Spam email of the week

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Subject:forth to meet the King and fell on one knee and kissed his
OMG kissed his what? Work can wait, let’s dive into this …
Then to him the Sheriff spoke at length concerning Robin Hood;
I feel like I missed an introductory paragraph or something. Yes? No? No? OK. (shrugs)
how that for many months the outlaws had defied the King, and
slain the King's deer; how Robin had gathered about him the best
archers in all the countryside; and, finally, how the traitorous
knight Sir Richard of the Lea had rescued the band when capture
seemed certain, and refused to deliver them up to justice.

Ha ha, classic Sir Richard. Anyway, so like … did you want to subscribe to our paper?
The King heard him through with attention and quoth he:

"Meseems I have heard of this same Robin Hood, and his men, and
also seen somewhat of their prowess.  Did not these same outlaws
shoot in a royal Tourney at Finsbury field?"

Oh snap, da king done brought up Finsbury. It’s. About. To go. DOWN. #Finsbury #Ne…

Coin star rejected, forced to use CoinStar

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I spent a good 30 minutes putting the loose change I had acquired over the past two years into those roll thingees. It added up quite nicely—to almost $60—and I put the rolls in a plastic bag with plans to deposit it into our bank account the following day. I filled out a deposit slip and everything. It was going to be great.
During my lunch break the next day, I decided to walk across the street to a particular American bank and make my deposit. (Is “American bank” too much of a giveaway? Let’s say instead it was a bank of American nature.) The rolls were way too heavy for the plastic sandwich bag I had placed them in, so I had to cradle the bag like a baby while also trying to shield it from inquiring eyes. This particular part of Glendale can be … interesting, and I have been asked for many things while trying to peacefully walk across the street—cigarettes, change, a lighter, a bus ticket, some meth, my sunglasses—and I didn’t feel confident I’d be able to plausibly refute having…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: Power Foods Are The Game Changer When It Comes To Losing Weight And Feeling Fit
Welp, that seems like everything I need to know. Thank you for this email and have a nice d-
Dear Mike Kenny:
OMG they actually know my name. What else do they know about me? Hopefully not how many fad diets I’ve tried FROWNY FACE
Instead of starting the year out with another fad diet that doesn't work,
Dammit.
learn the benefits of super foods from Peru!
OK.
Actually, what? I forget what we’re talking about on account of my lack of intake of Peruvian super foods.
They not only promote weight loss but boost energy, enhance memory and fight disease at the same time!
Say word. Been trying to beat this cystic fibrosis with French fries and let me tell ya’—IT AIN’T WORKIN’.
For nearly two decades Manuel Villacorta, award-winning registered dietitian,
Uh, duh, you don’t have to tell me who Manuel Villacorta is, sheesh. Think I’ve been living under a rock or su’in?
His new book, Whole Body Reboot: The Pe…