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Showing posts from August, 2012

Classic card of the week

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Mike Alonso, 1991 Katmandu
Here is a card of Mike Alonso playing a bongo drum. Mike Alonso is a member of Katmandu, which is a band. Was a band. Whatever. The point is, that might be the greatest chest hair that begins randomly midway down the torso that I have seen. In fact I'm not really sure if it's delayed chest hair or high-rising pubic hair, although I do hope it's the former, because I've been staring at if for 15 minutes, and I'd feel weird if I spent all that time staring at another man's pubic hair who is playing bongos. Regardless, one more button undone and we're officially in the forest.

So the front of the card is pretty self-explanatory ... Mike Alonso playing a bongo drum ... Katmandu. But there is even more information on the back of this card. Let us go there.



SPECIALTY: DRUMS

I am going to assume, now that I know that drums are his specialty, that Mike Alonso also plays drums that require sticks.

PROFILE: DRUMMER MIKE ALONSO, ESTA…

Labor Day weekend becomes ultimate fantasy

This weekend is Labor Day weekend, which means several important things. For starters, only two months left of summer! Or three months, depending on whether or not the scorpion sees its shadow. Also, we should take time over the weekend to give thanks for the labor unions and a political appeasement process that feared another Pullman Strike for making this extra day off possible. (If that sounded smart, please be aware that I just, like two seconds ago, looked up “Labor Day” on Wikipedia. And I am a history major.) More importantly, of course, Labor Day marks the beginning of football season.

Football season creates an interesting dynamic in our household. To be more specific, my wife greatly dislikes football. And that’s real football I’m referring to, so you can imagine how she feels about my love for fake football.

The Saturday of Labor Day weekend is, you see, the occasion of my annual fantasy football draft. This was a much easier thing to partake in when we lived back east and …

Spam email of the week

RE:hey there

One of my absolute favorite spam email ploys is the "Re:," as if I had sent previous correspondence to "hotmail_92a69537fb6f718a@live.com; on behalf of; victorontop@yahoo.co.uk" about "hey there." Let's see how he responded to my original email that I never sent. (Note: I am no longer protecting the identity of the spambots.)

hun be healthy be happy be successful this is how

I am "hun," I guess, also known as "Hon," which is short for honey, which is an appropriate way to refer to someone over email whom you have never met or talked to before or anything. Also, this must be my lucky day because I was just sitting here and all of a sudden I got this email that contains the secret to health, happiness, and success! The secret to all those things is a website! Although, it should be noted that my happiness as it relates to this specific email would involve, simply, a comma.

http://t.co/0y8UALBl

As much as I want to be heal…

Lions, homework, and rockets, oh my

As our daughter gets older—she turned 3 last week—things are becoming more advanced at daycare. For example, I am no longer supposed to call it daycare, but “school,” since she is technically in the preschool program. She has a homework folder now, so things just got real. Last week after I picked her up and drove away, I realized I forgot to take her homework folder, so I had to turn around, get her out of the car in the 110-degree heat, and go back in and get it, at which point I left my only pair of sunglasses there. When I got home I had to call daycare school, which is always weird for me since I feel the need to describe myself as so-and-so’s “daddy” instead of just using my legal name. Hi, this is daddy. I left my sunglasses there by mistake, can you find them please? They thought they found them but wanted to confirm the brand with me, but I never knew what brand they were so I responded, “I don’t know. They are brown.” If I am any indication, they probably think our daughter …

Classic card of the week

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Rick Hunolt, 1991 ROCKCARDS
Before we begin, I must acknowledge So, Do You Like ... Stuff? blog No. 1 friend and partaker, Bill, for passing along this gem (and many others, coming soon). This was sent along with the message, "I have no idea where I got these," which, yeah, sure, Bill. Rick Hunolt cards don't just magically appear -- this isn't some fantasy world we're living in. It's okay this card was stashed in a fireproof box in a location known only to you, and that you wore latex gloves while scanning it. Nobody here is judging.

So there's not much to say here except EVERYTHING. Pretty sure that extremely big wristband is a cut-up tube sock. That is also the smallest tattoo I think I've ever seen. I mean, Rick Hunolt -- you're a heavy metal guitarist. If you're going to get a tattoo, get a tattoo. Of course, all of this is forgiven thanks to the denim vest with no undershirt and the creepy, crazed look of intrigue. What's t…

Going green with the help of that big yellow thing

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I admit that I have no idea how solar energy works. Granted, I have no idea how regular energy works either, but living with it for this long has at least made me feel like an expert. One day I will explain to my daughter, “In my day, you’d plug a lamp into the socket and it would turn on because of the electrical currents and wires that somebody else installed. It was a lot of work. You kids have it so easy today, with the sun.”

It’s difficult for me to grasp green energy in general. We recently made a trip to the west coast, and along the I-10 are miles of wind turbines, surely the brainchild of some California hippie vegetarian tree-hugger. Every time we pass those things I marvel at the fact that wind can produce energy by making things spin around. “How does that work again?” I will ask my wife. And she will start talking about how the wind produces energy and then it’s stored in the turbine or something, but I stopped listening a while ago. She doesn’t understand either.

But lik…

Things Method Man tells his significant other in the 1995 smash romantic hit, 'You're All I Need'

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Note: This remake differs only slightly from the Marvin Gaye/Tammi Terrell original.

I will always be there for you.

Nothing makes a man feel better than a woman. (Note: Method Man is a man.)

There are two options in life: make war or make babies. I suggest we do the latter. (Interpretation: Then we can start a war because we will have an army of babies.)

Before I was Method Man, you were good to me. Now that I AM Method Man, I will repay that loyalty by not frontin'.

Even when it looked like it would rain outside, you were like, "Don't worry; it's just rain." (Rain is a metaphor for a thunderstorm of misfortune caused by unforeseen circumstances and not Method Man's own poor decision-making, i.e., anything suggested in other Wu Tang jingles.)

Never give my (your) vagina away. And keep grooming it and stuff.

I am going to walk the dogs.

Let's live in a big house with thousands of kids. This may run contrary to my earlier wishes that your vagina remain &qu…

Spam email of the week

After soliciting to see other people's junk, fellow blogger Chunter showed me his. And let me just say ... it's not real, and it's fantastic.

Subject: Khadija Mohamed-Sent you an auction item from LiveAuctioneers.com

Before you get all excited about Khadija Mohamed sending you an auction item from LiveAuctioneers.com, I just want to say--that is not at all what happened, whatsoever. There is nary a mention of an auction item in this entire email. I don't know what the motivation was behind that subject header, because what Khadijia Mohamed is really offering is much, much better.

Good day my Dear I am sorry to disturb you with this message pls bear with me, i decided to let you know base on what am going through.

I will bear with you, Khadija, rest easy. Please, continue to let me know base on what you are going through, which is a thing that totally makes sense.

My name is Khadija Mohamed, A final year student in University of Cocody Abidjan Code D'Ivoire.

The Univer…

Simple purchase leads to wife’s frustration, proposed boycott

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This past weekend I was tasked with the simple assignment of walking into Safeway and purchasing a gift card for our friend’s birthday. It did not go smoothly.

We were on the way to the party, so my wife and daughter waited in the car while I ran inside. My wife’s instructions were, “Get a $25 Visa gift card.” I was like, “Okay.” There was good communication there, in the beginning.

There are approximately 14 different gift card mall stations in Safeway, so I was already wondering to myself how long it would take me to find the Visa cards. I am positive my wife was concerned I’d be wooed by another station, and come back with a Cheesecake Factory card instead, thinking that was better. One of the stations is right when you walk in the store, and almost immediately after the double doors closed behind me, there they were—Visa gift cards. It was like heaven was shining a light down on them, making my life easier. I saw one that read “$25,” grabbed it and proceeded onward.

I purchased a …

Classic card of the week

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Rex Hudler, 1991 Score
Guys, I think we may have found someone who out-Ecksteined David Eckstein. I’m just kidding—that’s impossible. Still though!

Rex was just the shot in the arm the Cardinals needed in ’90.

If you replace Rex with “Eck” and ’90 with “’06” … I mean ... I am totally freaking out right now.

Versatile and aggressive

Many baseball players at the time were stationary and indifferent, so this is important to note.

he filled in at all four infield positions and the outfield

It could be argued that Rex Hudler > David Eckstien by means of versatility. Eckstein could only play shortstop, which he couldn't really play, and second base, which ditto, on account of having to throw the ball.

"He's scrappy," said Cardinal manager Joe Torre.

We've made so much fun of scrappy over the years that to hear used in a serious context is quite delightful and a reminder of why we got into this business in the first place.

"He's the type of player you'd like…