Thursday, May 28, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Info

I enjoy info and also have info, so this is a go.

From: Alfred Smith []

That is your email handle if you live in Peru, which is a company.


I am in Mexico

Or Mexico. Peru and Mexico are like samsies.

and I am interested in the vibrant economy and impressive enterprises existing in your country.

Wow, Mexicans are interested in our vibrant economy and impressive enterprises? WELL C'MON OVER, MIS AMIGOS! I'm right next door in Arizona and what's the worst that could hap

[shots fired]

[ducks head]

[looks around]

Go on ...

The client I represent plans to migrate and settle there with his family as soon as he can secure a partner in a commercial enterprise.

Sounds legit.

Your client: Alfred! Please email Americans at random and secure me a partner in a commercial enterprise so we can move out of Mexico.

You: I'm not sure that's how business works in an economy as vibrant as Amer-

Your client: (turns on blender to make smoothie) CAN'T HEAR YOU ALFRED, JUST DO IT.

I think maybe your client is Mexican Batman though.

In view of the budgeted funds for this enterprise, the real estate, marine tourism and fish farming/agriculture will be ideal.

Housing or fish: Choose your path to American success.

If you may, please, get back to me through email with details and procedure for investing into these area and say your industry as well

(coughs while saying "blogging")

and may be other areas with potential for promising investment return.

Nope. Just fish and housing.

Thanks for your time.

You're welcome.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: RE:dark grey

There's only one lady I know who sends emails with such eloquent, informative subject headers ...

From: Connie-9 []


Nice day to you my dear friend,

It is so good to hear from you again, Connie! Indeed we are dear friends. This what dear friends do - talk about slabs over email.

How are you?:)

I am good, thanks! Well, to be honest, I guess I could be doing a little bit better. Spring is here and I am all out of slabs :(

Spring is coming, many project is started again,

As they say.

and clients also start concentrating on purchasing or plans for market demand again,

Ahhh, spring. The weather warms up, birds are chirping, butterflies flutter by, the smell of fresh flowers fills the air, and clients start concentrating on purchasing or plans for market demand again. So it goes during CAPITALIST SPRING.

inquiries from them also increase obviously.


So i wonder if you also need    related information.

Yes, I need information related to spring and market demand and also inquiries. Not exactly those things because I already have those things, but something related. Something like, oh I don't know ... a G654?

Anyway here I'd like to share some basic information of G654 for you firstly,


In case there will be more questions, just email me freely,

I anticipate having questions.

My first question is who is taking your slab pics? Is this a picture of a picture of G654 slabs? This is just my opinion - as a dear friend, I feel obliged to tell it like it is - but if you're going to promote G654 top polished big slabs, invest in a slab photographer. It's easy! "WANTED: #slabphotog" Boom.

Hey slab guys - working hard or hardly working? LOL, j/k slab guys - you keep doing your thing. I am curious as to where you think I live that I'd have a staircase made out of these giant G654 slabs, but I can't argue the quality.

Connie, before I order, can you send some info regarding the safety conditions of your manufacturing plants? I feel like floppy 90s-style hats are maybe not the best protection against falling slabs. I know, but hey - I'm a union guy. Thanks.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

How Sex Works, part II

For part I of our ongoing series of “How Sex Works,” click here. Or, you know, don’t. 

We’ve reached the biology part of “How Sex Works”—HOORAY—so everyone strap on your science helmets.

This two-page layout is themed “A girl at puberty” and includes this helpful chart, titled “Differences in growth.” This chart proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that, yes—sometimes humans, even female humans, are different shapes and sizes. Not every human is the same exact height and weight. Seems like the orthodox laws of puberty just got a kick in the ol’ groin. Plus 1

It’s understandable, then, that these particular girls chose to have their faces shadowed out. No one wants to be ostracized by the science community for participating in a study that debunks the traditional thinking that every human is the same person. Also, no one wants to be ostracized by their own group of friends for appearing in a book called “How Sex Works” while wearing a flesh-colored bathing suit.

Hold up though, everyone—my girl Sally has a question:

My breasts are small, but my friend says I still ought to wear a bra, or the muscles will get weak. Do I have to?

Dammit Sally. Your friend is either a complete moron or tricked you into embarrassing yourself in front of everyone single person who has ever read this book (a.k.a. me). I recommend you put down the bra and get some new friends who don’t think going bra-less causes your calf muscles to atrophy. Let’s see what Liz and/or Dick have to say:

Breasts have no muscles. 

Thank you. So what have we learned so far?

  • Not every person is the same exact size. 
  • Breasts are not muscles. 

I can feel my puberty knowledge blossoming already! Plus 2 

Now,  if you thought morphing into a breast-muscle missle machine was tough, try turning into a man! There are a lot of questions.

My friends have started laughing about me and saying that I smell. What can I do? William, 14 years

Have you tried not smelling bad, William? I feel like that might be something you can do. 

Unlike Sally, William’s friends are actually doing him a favor. You cannot call yourself a friend if your friend stinks and you’re not like, “Dude, you stink.” (h/t Winston Churchill) I’m not sure how it reached the point that William posed this question to a teenage sex book before discovering the wonders of deodorant more organically, but whatevs. Let’s see what Liz and Dick have to offer:

Many things about your body change as you grow up. One of these is that you start to sweat more and your sweat has a different smell. A bath or shower every day is the best safeguard against odor. Wear clean clothes and socks whenever possible. Use deodorant or an antiperspirant; you can buy these in supermarkets and drugstores.

There is a lot of #science in that answer, and it’s kinda presumptuous on Liz and Dick’s part that clean socks are readily available—uh, we’re middle class over here, not British royalty, sheesh. Still, knowing where to buy deodorant is helpful for the super smelly tween like William who has no parents, teachers, or other life resources to guide him on the most basic rules of hygiene. And I should know—I spent three embarrassing months looking for deodorant at various Orange Julius locations until a friendly stranger with a van brought me to a drugstore. Plus 1

What should I do about the fluffy hair on my face? Ben, 15 years

The first thing you should do is stop describing the hair on your face as “fluffy.” Seriously, wtf. Are you a Persian cat? Get a grip on yourself, Ben.

The rest is up to you. You can let the fluffy hair grow wild until you have a weird-ass fluffy as hell adolescent fluff-beard, or you can shave it off with a razor, like, for example, Gillette’s new Fluff-Off Xtreme series of blades. Again, this is a great question for a teenage sex book and not like, your dad. A book taught me how to shave, too. (posts picture of an adolescent me standing at the bathroom sink trying to shave while an open book rests on the counter and my mom stands in the background looking on proudly) Minus 2

My breasts  have started to swell , and they are quite sore under the nipples. Am I going to change into a girl? Adam, 15 years

Holy s***, Adam. YES.



This happens in quite a few boys of your age and is nothing to worry about.

Really? I honestly never knew this, but OK—if you say so, weird, outdated sex book. It’s definitely nothing to worry about if you’re a boy and you start growing boobs, which as we all know are just muscles. Plus 1

Thursday, May 14, 2015

How Sex Works

Was given a book the other day for reasons that I trust are ironic. The copyright is 1994 but I think the book is just as relevant today. I want to take an absurd amount of time seeing if I’m right, so I guess this will be a new blog feature? Sure, why not.

Judging by the cover, how sex works is that you’re a grease monkey teenager and you try to give your sleeveless turtleneck-wearing girlfriend a shoulder massage but she’s all like, “Chill. Let’s hold hands.” That is EXACTLY what sex is like for a teenager: no sex. And that’s OK because you are 14 and maybe you shouldn’t be having sex right about now. So far this book nails it. Plus 1

The subtitle of this book is, “A clear, comprehensive guide for teenagers to emotional, physical, and sexual maturity.” This is inherently a false premise. There is no sexual maturity for a teenager because a teenager is a teenager. To wit, I am 37 years old and I think a book called “How Sex Works” is hilarious enough to spend inordinate amounts of time writing about it for a blog. You can imagine how many penises teenage me would have drawn all over this thing. Minus 1

This book was written by Elizabeth Fenwick (vagina parts) and Richard Walker (penis parts). I bet they’re having sex. Plus 1 

Granted, I don’t know a lot about sex—my daughters are adopted—but I’m pretty sure that is not how sex works. That is riding a bike. UNSAFELY I might add. No helmets, and I have no idea what that other boy is sitting on. Wait … that’s a girl? I don’t know. Freakin' 90s, man. Minus 1

Then again, I suppose it’s possible the bike ride has nothing to do with sex, and Liz and Dick are just easing us into this discussion via adolescent stock photos. That’s cool I guess. Plus 1 

Speaking of photos, now seems as good a time as any to mention that I will not be analyzing this book by its actual words, which potentially make sense and are based on some scientific and emotional studies. That is no fun and I don’t think sex-crazed teenagers read anyway. We're going only by pictures. Sorry/not sorry.

Top left: Pretty sure that is the most 90s hair/sideburns combination I have ever seen in a teenage sex book. Plus 1 It also appears the Heimlich maneuver worked. GOOD JOB, JOEL. Plus 1 Unfortunately, I cannot tell where the pattern on her skirt and the one on his terrible shirt begins and ends, and it’s disorienting. Minus 1 Top right: “We’re going to use your otherwise innocuous headshot for a sex book to insinuate you’re happy with your sex life.” “OK.” Minus 1 Bottom: “Mom, have you seen my pressed purple button-down? I wanted to go lie in a wheat field and read a sex book I mean ‘Catcher in the Rye’ cause I’ll be in the rye, get it?” “DAMMIT CALVIN I TOLD YOU TO IRON YOUR OWN CLOTHES I’M NOT YOUR MAID.” Plus 1

Until next time.

And stay safe out there. Wear a helmet.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Spam email of the week

Do you know a doctor who is good at being a doctor but bad at having pens? Well have I got the email for you!

Subject: Promotional Pens for Doctors - Offer #7117


Here are my questions/comments:

  • Does a "pcs" = a pen?
  • If so, $75 seems like a lot for 300 pens, even on a doctor's salary. I would probably pay $7 for 300 pens. Or, better yet, zero dollars for zero pens.
  • Then again, I am not a doctor. Just a writer.
  • Are the non-customized pens blank or do they read "Your Message Here?" If the latter, I would like to order three non-customized pens because I think that's sort of funny, maybe, it's not, forget it, I don't want any pens.
  • If choosing my pen colors becomes burdensome, is it possible for you to surprise the sh*t out of me by choosing the colors yourself? I realize that is risky but YOLO.

Give your customers a gift to remember your business

Are promotional pens really an effective means of medical advertising?

Man: (writing grocery list, stops to look at pen) You know, I should really have my spleen removed.

OK I guess they are.

Orders are shipped in 3 business days with FREE SETUP & FREE SHIPPING

I can't believe there isn't an exorbitant setup fee to imprint a message onto these plastic pens. And I feel bad for the delivery guy who has to carry 300 pens all by himself without even getting paid for it, but hey - not my problem. This is a great deal, and too good to pass up. I guess I will become a doctor after all.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Fw:Necklace wholesale 2015 latest design crystal necklace jewelry

This seems relevant to our newspaper. Let me check it out.


Dear ... somebody whatever doesn't matter just buy the necklaces dammit,

Good day.
(Quality is our culture)

Following a weak salutation with what appears to be a motto, inexplicably in parenthesis, indicates that quality is certainly not your culture when it comes to emails. But who I am kidding - I need some m______ f______ necklaces. What's up?

This is Vickie from Aicharme Jewelry Co., Ltd, professional supplier from Austrian Crystal Jewelry for Europe and U.S. market for more than 8 years.

Hi, Vickie! We have been with our respective employers for almost the same amount of time. TWINSIES.

We own 2 factories and thousands of Austrian Crystal Jewelry designs, whatever you are looking for, you can find it in our factory.

I need mailing labels for our newspapers. Also: mad necklaces.

"We believe our products will give you an edge over your competitors."

This is in quotes (and red font, fwiw) as if it's a first-person testimonial that was provided by someone other than Vickie. Also, who are my necklace competitors? 2 Chainz?

Please check attached new designs. Hope you like any of them and hope we can have chance to serve you in the near future.

I am looking at these words but don't see any necklaces. Where does the good business start?


Thank you.

This is OK but my wife thinks heart jewelry is mad cheesey, son (her words). No offense, Vickie.

That is a beautiful necklace. I will take ... (counts amount of wives I have on my fingers) ... one. Also, some mailing labels.