So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: Congratulations beneficiary! This is going to be a good day. Everyone is happy and proud of my ability to earn money just by sitting around. Good day, I know, right? This is to inform you that the WESTERN UNION management is no longer happy with your inability to contact us since the last time we sent you an email in regards to the below information. Welp, now I am sad. At first, WESTERN UNION management was happy with my inability to contact them, our clever game of me not responding to emails they never sent producing a kind of joy similar to when a father tries to call his estranged son from jail before remembering he doesn't have a son. But that persisted, and they changed emotional course, and they are no longer happy with this. As someone who has made a lifelong, conscious effort to never disappoint WESTERN UNION management (WWWUMD?), this has obviously rocked my world. This is the 4th time we are reaching you and would probably be the last if you fail to...

One of the stresses in my life is entertainment. A thing that is literally intended to be a break and distraction from the stress of everyday living is something that stresses me out. Part of this is sports, although I am getting better about that. Sports is the worst. No matter who you root for, you will be disappointed in some regard by season’s end. Throw fantasy sports into the mix—which I do because I am apparently a masochist—and sports becomes one big ball of terribleness and unwanted outcomes. On the rare occasion that sports produce joy, it’s fun to say that all the heartache leading up to it was worth it, but that is totally not true. Also, everything I am saying is in regard to watching sports, like from a couch. But, again, I am gaining more and more perspective and slowly removing the vice grip sports has had on me throughout my entire life. Yet I still have the issue of television to confront. Indeed, television—more specifically the DVR—stresses me out. Recently we...

Flipper Anderson, Sports Illustrated for Kids I like this card because it reminds me of the days when, if a receiver did something completely special and out of the ordinary like HIS JOB, he would celebrate by raising his arms in the air in triumph instead of pretending to slit his throat or pull his pants down. RECEIVERS THESE DAYS AMIRIGHT? In fact, in my humble opinion, Flipper Anderson may have had the greatest touchdown celebration ever, and it came at the expense of my beloved Giants. In the '89 playoffs, the Rams and Giants ended regulation tied. Anderson scored the game-winning play on a 30-yard touchdown pass and Forrest Gump'd it -- he just kept running through the tunnel and into the locker room. If there is a better way to end a game, I do not know it. I mean, I do not like him at all because of that and I think he's the worst. But that was pretty awesome. Anyway, 1989 was a good year for Flipper. In 1989, Flipper had the best game ever by an NFL rec...

This weekend is Labor Day weekend, which means several important things. For starters, only two months left of summer! Or three months, depending on whether or not the scorpion sees its shadow. Also, we should take time over the weekend to give thanks for the labor unions and a political appeasement process that feared another Pullman Strike for making this extra day off possible. (If that sounded smart, please be aware that I just, like two seconds ago, looked up “Labor Day” on Wikipedia. And I am a history major.) More importantly, of course, Labor Day marks the beginning of football season. Football season creates an interesting dynamic in our household. To be more specific, my wife greatly dislikes football. And that’s real football I’m referring to, so you can imagine how she feels about my love for fake football. The Saturday of Labor Day weekend is, you see, the occasion of my annual fantasy football draft. This was a much easier thing to partake in when we lived back east ...

I admit that I have no idea how solar energy works. Granted, I have no idea how regular energy works either, but living with it for this long has at least made me feel like an expert. One day I will explain to my daughter, “In my day, you’d plug a lamp into the socket and it would turn on because of the electrical currents and wires that somebody else installed. It was a lot of work. You kids have it so easy today, with the sun.” It’s difficult for me to grasp green energy in general. We recently made a trip to the west coast, and along the I-10 are miles of wind turbines, surely the brainchild of some California hippie vegetarian tree-hugger. Every time we pass those things I marvel at the fact that wind can produce energy by making things spin around. “How does that work again?” I will ask my wife. And she will start talking about how the wind produces energy and then it’s stored in the turbine or something, but I stopped listening a while ago. She doesn’t understand either. But...

Note: This column appears in the 12/15 issue of The Glendale Star and the 12/16 issue of the Peoria Times I do almost all of my holiday shopping online. There are, however, rare instances whereby unnecessary shipping costs or in-store-only coupons force me against my will to venture out in public and shop in human form. These instances always involve shopping for my wife because—let’s be honest—she’s the only person I have to shop for. These instances also usually involve me having to enter the unfamiliar and intimidating realm of the female-centric store. My knowledge of what my wife actually wants from these stores is typically limited to, “I know she shops here, I think.” As a result, upon entering the store I immediately seek out an employee from the all-female staff, which is not difficult as they usually spot me first thanks to the glazed look of bewilderment on my face and also because I am blocking traffic. I always preface these conversations by specifying that I am shopping f...

Note: This column appears in the 3/13 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 3/14 issue of the Peoria Times Last Friday evening was my annual fantasy baseball draft. Going into this particular draft, I felt that I possessed a distinct advantage, as I have been furiously scouting various major league teams during spring training. Granted, by “various major teams” I am referring to, pretty much, the Padres, who, until last Friday, I had seen play a grand total of one time in 2008. And my distinct method of scouting involves watching several players (on the Padres) play baseball for two innings during a meaningless spring training game, and making general assumptions based on this small sample size of performance. So with the draft fast approaching, I decided it would be a good idea to get in one more cram session, bringing my grand total of scouting cram sessions to two. On draft day, Friday, the Padres were facing the Arizona Diamondbacks, which would give me some great insight into yet an...

This Friday is our annual fantasy baseball draft. One of the most important things about a fantasy baseball team is choosing a team name, something I take very seriously. My usual custom is this: 1) get the email that the league is set up, register, 2) think about a name for approximately eight hours while staring at my team page, 3) eventually settle on something I don’t really love, 4) change it the next day to something worse, and then 5) finally change it to what I’m comfortable with. This year was no different. My original team name was Mrs. Mattingly, a nod to the now ex-wife of my all-time favorite player and her recent legal troubles . (I even changed my avatar to her mug shot.) Then I couldn’t sleep at night, tossing and turning, haunted by the idea that I was disrespecting Don Mattingly himself. Coincidentally, the next day I read this article, and changed my team name to Provocative Doodles, because I thought that was funny. But that ended up being funny for like, three seco...

I can’t even imagine life without fantasy sports these days. In fact, I would place “fantasy sports” right below “eating” and slightly above “going to work” in my hierarchy of “things that are important to lead a productive life.” Obviously, I have great perspective. Seriously though, three weeks ago, the NFL season began, and I cannot adequately describe how exciting it was. Six years ago, before I started consistently participating in fantasy leagues, I also found the opening of the NFL season to be delightful, simply because I could watch professional football games, root for the Giants, and spend some quality time with my family or friends. I was so naïve. Because now that I think about it, what was the fun in watching Jerry Rice if all of those great stats went only to…Jerry Rice? How selfish of him! Three Sundays ago, on the opening day of the NFL season, I spent the early morning juggling three fantasy teams – my baseball team was in the playoffs, and I was preparing my respect...

Instead of making bold predictions about the upcoming NFL season, which starts in just a few days, kicked off by a very football relevant performance by Elton John (who, I hear, once watched half of a football game), I'm going to tell you all about my fantasy football draft from last weekend. The reason for this is because I have no idea what's going to happen in the NFL this year. I know that the Patriots will be good, I think. After that, I'm lost. If the Bengals win the Super Bowl, I won't even be shocked, unless they do so because every other team in the league gets trapped in an avalanche while mountain-climbing. So I'm not even going to pretend like I know how this season is going to turn out. But I DO know how my fantasy football draft turned out, because I was there, I was told. For those who don't know, fantasy football is a game whereas people like myself draft real players (unbeknownst to the actual players) for fake teams, so people like myself can m...