Posts

Showing posts from January, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: save save me.Seeking help. ???????????????????

I'll see what I can do.

Major news event /
Major news events can make you famous/


Ummm, okay I guess.

Who can help me information translated into English and published in foreign television or newspaper or Internet or passed on to the Chinese President xi jinping.

Okay hold up, lemme get this straight. All you need is for someone to translate something into English and have it published/broadcast on international mediums OR given directly to Chinese President Xi Jinping? Pfft. I GOT THIS.

I gave you 100000 dollars /

You did? What did I do with it? I don't think you did, please send again, thnx.

Please give this letter translated into English/

No doubt, kid. Hit me off with the realness. I'm ready.

Save Save me.Seeking help.

This part says, "Save Save me. Seeking help." This is mad easy.

I come from China¾È¾ÈÎÒ¡£ÎÒÏÖÔÚÔÚ±±¾©ºÍÒÔÇ°ÔÚÌì½òÌÁ¹Á±»ÖйúÈË´óίԱ³¤Õŵ½­µÄ˽Éú×Ó[ÃúÉÐÀÏ°å´ó¸Å½Ð]¸ßÔ­µÄÈË24Сʱ¼à¿ØÅ°´ý.ÖйúÈË´…

Dishwasher versus dish washer, a manly man’s perspective

Image
I am a proud, domesticated man. I know my way around a washing machine. (By “a washing machine” I mean my washing machine. I do not know my way around other washing machines.) I know where to find virtually everything in Safeway, including canned coconut milk (ethnic foods), and I won’t hesitate to add feminine hygiene products to my cart if they’re on the list. I make homemade croutons (by toasting bread really hard). I wash dishes. My goodness do I wash dishes.

I’m not just domesticated in that I’m able to swallow my manly pride and do certain unenviable chores out of a sense of duty to my family. No, I embrace it. It defines me. I have opinions, gosh darn it.

I don’t put my whites in the dryer because they’re more apt to withhold stains. Instead I hang them on a clothes drying thingee, and if I’m feeling particularly domestic I will put said thingee in the backyard and watch the clothes blow gently in the breeze while I breath in pleasant wafts of fabric softener. (My whites are pr…

Spam email of the week

Image
Subject: Your source in Volgograd and Sochi

I need one of those.
Dear Friends, If you are interested to get a direct information from Volgograd, where awful tradegy had place some time ago, I would be glad to help along with my colleagues - photographers and writers. Will be glad to share a story and interview.

HOWDY FRIENDS! Remember that terrible bombing tragedy in Volgograd, Russia? Y'all wanna pay me and my buddies for coverage on that? Seriously I will be legitimately and genuinely happy to share stories and interviews about this otherwise awful tragedy. In my opinion, the awfulness of this tragedy is counterbalanced only by my happiness at reporting on it.

In the future, if you ever interested to have your source on Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, we will be glad to help as well.

Even if you're not ready for a source at the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi this year, please keep us in mind for when the Winter Olympic Games return to Sochi in the future, i.e. the year 4086.

Any oth…

Facebook meme(s) of the day(s)

Image
DANG BABY YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT KNOWING THE DAYS OF THE WEEK

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS UNTIL I GET MY BABY MEME



LOL MONDAY IS THE WORST THIS BABY NAILED IT

THESE OVERALLS DON'T FIT AND I JUST CRAPPED MYSELF, ARE THINGS THAT HAPPEN ON MONDAY TO ALL OF US

BABY BE LIKE, WHY ARE WEEKS CYCLICAL, WAH! TALK TO COPERNICUS, OSHKOSH B'JOSH



THANKS BABY I FEEL BETTER ABOUT TUESDAY THAN I DID ABOUT MONDAY

YOU ARE ON THE BEACH THOUGH SO EASY FOR YOU TO SAY JERK BABY


WHAT IS YOUR DEAL GET A CLUE


GET OUT OF MY FACE YOU SMUG JERK I HAVE A LOT TO DO TODAY



DANG YOU BEEN AT THE BEACH ALL WEEK, SON? YOU A PIMP

YO I JUST REALIZED BABIES AIN'T EVEN WORK

THEY SHOULDN'T BE SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THE DAYS OF THE WEEK

WHY AM I EVEN LISTENING TO THESE DUMB BABIES, THEY DON'T KNOW JACK


WTF

LOL, LEARN HOW TO FINISH A MEME YA DUMB BABY

ALSO PRETTY SURE I COULD BEAT YOU IN A FIGHT

Alice in Wonderland (a.k.a. Albuquerque)

Image
“Where’s Alice?”

That’s the question my wife asked me in a panic as we drove along Route 40 out of Albuquerque on our way home from an extended holiday vacation in Colorado. The Alice to whom she was referring was an “Alice in Wonderland” doll that nestled tightly in our daughter’s arms each night before her restless movements managed to release it from her clutches to the foot of the bed or, alas, the floor. For Christmas, said daughter had received dolls from the movie “Frozen,” which were currently occupying her time and which went a long way toward explaining her recent carelessness with Alice.

“How should I know?” I said.

My ignorance made me culpable, apparently, and it was decided by all the females in the vehicle that I must have let Alice fall out of the car while I was packing it BY MYSELF. I denied these accusations as the frantic car search continued, pointing out the many times I had saved babies—our daughters call their dolls babies—from tragic asphalt fates. I always se…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Notice of appearance in court NR#6037

Notice to Appear,

Hereby you are notified that you have been scheduled to appear for your hearing that
will take place in the court of Washington in January 14, 2014 at 09:00 am.

Please bring all documents and witnesses relating to this case with you to Court on your hearing date.

The copy of the court notice is attached to this letter.
Please, read it thoroughly.

Note: If you do not attend the hearing the judge may hear the case in your absence.

Yours truly,
Ruth Smith
Clerk to the Court.


- - - - - - - - -

I travel to Washington, show up to local court Tuesday morning, barge through courtroom doors

Me: Sup, y'all, wasn't easy but I made it. Now who did the murder? Prolly dude o'er there (points to bailiff). Boom, solved. NEXT. J/k seriously though where do I sit?

Judge: Excuse me sir, but this is a court OF LAW. May I help you with something?

Me: Yeah, no doubt, no doubt. Just here to do my civic duty. Or, uh ... maybe I'm the one who …

Dad fails to charter unique code for unique girl

Last summer my wife told me to submit an application for our oldest daughter to attend a local charter school. I said, “What? She is like 3. Pretty sure we have some time.”

She said, “Your daughter is 4. And we don’t have a lot of time. There is a waiting list.”

“Is this one of those schools where there are yet-to-be-born children on the waiting list?”

“Probably.”

“Okay I will do it tomorrow. One question.”

“What?”

“What is a charter school?”

My wife delved into some explanation that did not necessarily serve as an answer to my question. So I looked online. According to Wikipedia, “a charter school is an alternative education system where a school receives public funding but operates independently.” So basically … I still don’t know. It sounds like a charter school is a school that has its cake and eats it, too, and also we pay for the cake.

Nevertheless, I filled out the application under the impression that the school would prefer a child who came from less than ordinary circumstances. How …

Facebook meme of the day

Image
IMMA KEEP THIS SNEEZE GOING BY SHARING IT WITH MY FRIENDS

LOL THAT NOSE BE SNEEZING OUT ITS MOUTH

I'M ALLERGIC TO GENERAL IGNORANCE

BULLSHIT IS A PROPER NOUN AND SHOULD BE CAPITALIZED

I'M ALLERGIC TO GENERAL IGNORANCE

"FOR BETTER SENTENCE STRUCTURE!! REPLACE A COMMA WITH TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS..." - ERNEST HEMINGBERG OR SOME SH*T

I'M ALLERGIC TO GENERAL IGNORANCE

THAT NOSE IS WEARING A HAT AND SHOES

ALSO I AM ALLERGIC TO FAKE PEOPLE

DANG YOU NEVER REALLY MET OUTKAST YOU FAKE LIAR PERSON, GREAT NOW I HAVE TO BUY ALLEGRA

THIS MEME WOULD BE A LITTLE MORE PROFESSIONAL IF THE NOSE GUY WAS CARRYING A BRIEFCASE

THEN HE CALLS INTO WORK LIKE, SORRY BOSS CAN'T COME IN, CAME DOWN WITH A CASE OF FAKE-ASS PEOPLE ALLERGIES

BOSS IS LIKE, WTF IS THAT EVEN REAL

THE BOSS IS LIKE A BIG TOE OR SOMETHING

ANYWAY PLEASE KEEP THIS FAKE SNEEZE GOING

FOR THE TROOPS

Spam email of the week

(We couldn't resist.)


Subject:Federal Bureau of Investigation F B I
The subject of this email is that it’s from us, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, a.k.a. FBI. We are the FBI, the ones who sent this. Federal Bureau of Investigation. The FBI. We are the subject and the sender, an omnipresent force of investigative prowess. FBI. Us. We are the FBI. Not you. You are a gullible dumbass true American. We are the FBI.
Anti-Terrorist And Monetary Crimes Division
FBI Headquarters, Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J.Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, Nw Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
www.fbi.gov

In case you didn’t believe us, here are the deets. By the way, the Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division are lumped together. Budget constraints, what can I tell ya’? Thanks, OBAMA. Anyway, it does work out well on those frequent occasions when a terrorist tries to use a fraudulent $20 bill at Safeway.
ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY
The FBI is not impersonal. We just …

Caught in the Amazon jungle … of returns

Me: (opens email, first message reads “Details on your Amazon order FDS436578”) Babe? What did you order on Amazon?
Wife: Oh just some boots for the girls. Don’t worry though, they’re probably going back.
Me: What do you mean they’re probably going back? They haven’t even gotten here yet.
Wife: My mom is sending some boots for them. I want to see which ones I like better.
Me: Why is your default mechanism to buy it instead of just waiting?
Wife: Just … don’t question me, okay? I know what I’m doing. Three days later, Amazon box of boots sits on chair where I usually sit at kitchen tableMe: BABE! What is going on with this box?
Wife: Oh, you can return it. I like the ones my mom sent better.
Me: I’m sorry, I can return it?
Wife: (makes puppy dog eyes)
Me: (forcefully grabs box) Gimmie this thing … where’s the computer? 
I go into office to use printer and execute return
Me: (yelling because wife is in different room, likely ordering another product that will soon be returned from her iPad) Babe? W…

Facebook meme(s) of the day

Image
TAKE THAT POLITICIANS

DUMB POLITICIANS BE LIKE, "DERP DERP I'M SO STUPID AND DUMB WHERE DA PROSTITUTES AT"

ALIENS BE LIKE, "YOUR BUDGET IS FIXED, WE HAVE ANALLY PROBED NORTH KOREA AND DISCOVERED THEIR AGGRESSION IS BORN OF INSECURITY, WORLD PEACE HAS BEEN RESTORED"

MEANWHILE POLITICIANS BE LIKE, "JUST SENT THAT HOT-LOOKING ALIEN A PICTURE OF MY SCHLONGER"

THESE JOKES ARE TOPICAL

VOTE OR DIE ... FOR THE ALIENS - P DIDDY, 2016

HOLD UP I'M NOT FINISHED BLASTING POLITICIANS YET WITH BITING COMMENTARY


BOOM, ROASTED

NOT HAVING A GOOD YEAR SO FAR, POLITICIANS, WITH ALL THESE HILARIOUS MEMES AT YOUR EXPENSE

WHICH WIZARD OF OZ DUDE HAD NO TESTICLES

THINK IT WAS TOTO

THE WIZARD OF OZ MOVIE IS 75 YEARS OLD AND THE BOOK IS 114 YEARS OLD

THE SONG "IF I ONLY HAD SOME TESTICLES" IS ZERO YEARS OLD CAUSE IT DON'T EXIST

OTHER THAN THAT YO THIS IS MEME IS ON POINT

HOLD UP I AIN'T FINISHED

KNOCK KNOCK

YOU SAID WHO'S THERE

POLITICIANS

YOU SAID P…