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Showing posts from January, 2005

Here's some awards - Don't drop 'em

Since the Super Bowl has a bye week, so do I. Instead of churning out pointless dribble about who I think is going to win the Super Bowl and why, I'm going to hand out some awards for the 2004-05 NFL Playoffs up until this point. Because everybody loves awards! Right? And don't fret - I will churn out my pointless dribble next week, when we're closer to the actual game.

In the meantime, let's get 'er done.

The Special Award for Self-Righteous Announcing in the Face of Extreme Adversity goes to...Fox announcer Joe Buck, who was so appalled by Randy Moss' fake-mooning against the Green Bay Packers, that he went so far as to apologize on behalf of the entire network. Now, Fox needs to apologize for many things - one of them being Buck - but nobody needed to hear this commentary about why it was so "disgraceful" when Randy Moss fake pulled his pants down. In the realm of terrible things that can possibly happen during a football game (bad injuries, dirty …

The power couple whose lights went out

People seem to be genuinely upset over the breakup of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. This is the biggest national news story since that guy cloned a sheep, which was very important at the time because it virtually doubled our sheep population.

The general consensus, according to my polls, is that people think, "If Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston can't make it together, then nobody can." Relationships all over the country are running for cover, as if they were being attacked by an army of super-human sheep. For example, my parents have been married for over 25 years, but now my mom is worried that my dad will finally want to "settle down and have kids," while she herself still wants to "focus on her career." There has been much tension in the Kenny household lately because of this, and it seems like every day my mom is coming home later and later from the set of her movie, which is inside of a hospital, and will probably be going straight to DVD, beca…

Junkyard Dog?

Last week I took my truck in for some service, because it's been making some weird noises lately, like Ashlee Simpson. Also, it's way out of alignment. So much so, that if I were to take my hands off the wheel at any point during my driving experience, the vehicle would immediately just start going around in circles, like a dog chasing its tail.

I pulled my usual routine with the guy at the service station, feigning partial knowledge of anything that has four wheels. He knew I was full of shit though when I started using terms like "squeaky" and "underneath the car - not the pavement, but you know what I mean." Anywho, he called me back with an estimate of $1400 for the work that needed to be done. Apparently, I needed all new shocks and ball joints and non-squeakified collateral lug nuts, and "those kinds of things don't come cheap." In addition to that, I found out that my spare tire has a hole in it. Not in the middle, though. There's s…

A1 in the a.m.

Dunkin' Donuts has steak!

I have been waiting to hear those words since the day I was born, and I can't believe that the moment is finally here. All of those mornings that I would buy my coffee at Dunkin' Donuts and ask the cashier, "Do you have any steak to go with this"� and the cashier would say, "No," have NOT been for naught!

I feel like Andy Dufrene during "Shawshank Redemption" when he kept sending out letters so he could build a library, and then finally, years later, someone sent him some books and told him to leave them alone. Only Andy kept sending MORE letters. I am just like that, except that I'm not in prison, and I wanted steak instead of books, and I didn't want to build a library of steaks, I just wanted to eat them. For breakfast. And just like Andy Dufrene, I'm not going to stop here.
Dunkin' Donuts became popular for its coffee. And some may say, even for its donuts. But when someone like me came along, and dem…