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Showing posts from May, 2018

Nextdoor posts of the week

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ME: WHO WILL TAKE PICTURES OF ME AND MY HORSES

THEM: HAVE YOU CHECKED THE SOCIAL MEDIA SITE NEXTDOOR

ME: NO I THOUGHT THAT WAS FOR LIKE GARAGE SALES AND ADULT DIAPERS

THEM: NO IT IS FOR LITERALLY ANYTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE, IT CAN MAKE ALL OF YOUR WILDEST DREAMS COME TRUE

ME: WOW BUT HERE'S THE THING-- NOT ONLY DO I WANT PICTURES OF ME AND MY HORSES, I WANT OPTIONS

THEM: LISTEN I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE GOING TO FIND THE PERFECT HORSE PHOTOGRAPHER ON NEXTDOOR, ALL I'M SAYING IS GIVE IT A TRY




ME: THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE, NOW IF I COULD ONLY FIND MY FRIEND CORNLIUS A HANYMAN




CORNELIUS NEEDS A HANYMAN

CORNELIUS WALKED THROUGH THE SCREEN DOOR BY ACCIDENT WHILE CHASING A FLY OUT OF THE HOUSE AND NOW HE NEEDS A NEW HANY FOR IT

BUT HE'S NOT GOOD AT INSTALLING A HANY WHICH IS WHY CORNELIUS NEEDS A HANYMAN




I HAVE A CRAZY IDEA DID YOU CONSIDER CALLING AMIGOS INSTEAD OF ASKING RANDOM STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET

ALSO I APPLAUD YOUR STRATEGY OF PASSIVELY WAITING FOR THIN…

Nextdoor posts of the week

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GET YOUR BEACH BODY BY BODY BY BADGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY ... ED

TEXT THREAD:

"YOU'RE INVITED TO MY BBQ AND IT'S BYOB"

"COOL BUT FIRST I GOTTA BBBBBB"

"WOW WHAT IS THAT"

"BEACH BODY BY BODY BY BADGE"

"SOUNDS DOPE CAN I TRY"

"I DON'T KNOW ARE YOU A BB"

"WHAT'S THAT"

"BRAVE BOY"

"YES"

"OK LET'S DO THIS SO WE CAN BYOBB"

"WHAT'S THE EXTRA 'B' FOR"

"THAT'S A TYPO"




OK I GUESS




HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY DO YOUR DOGS PISS ON THE CARPETS

WE'RE RUNNING A MOTHER'S DAY SPECIAL ON OUR STATE-OF-THE-ART PET PISS DETECTOR 3000, PERFECT FOR THAT SPECIAL MOM WHO HATES DOG PISS

HOLD UP THO




PHONE CALL

RICH: HELLO IS THIS BILL

EARLE: ACTUALLY IT'S EARLE, BILL IS MY NEXTDOOR PSEUDONYM, IS THIS RICH

RICH: YES, WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING

EARLE: NO REASON, LISTEN TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE PISS DETECTOR MACHINE

MARTHA: /FROM UPSTAIRS/ EARLE! WHO ARE YOU TALKING T…

Nextdoor post of the week

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LOT TO TAKE IN HERE

SO LET'S BREAK THIS BABY DOWN

We built a raised garden bed and had cleared the ground in front of it with anticipation of putting a nice edger around the garden with river rock.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR RAISED GARDEN BED

ASSUMING THOSE PLANS WORKED OUT FINE

The weather this week killed me and I am running out of time to finish it because I travel a lot for work and took off this week.

YOU TOOK OFF WORK TO FINISH YOUR GARDEN?

WHY ARE YOU RUNNING OUT OF TIME

IS THIS LIKE THE MOVIE SPEED WHERE IF YOU DON'T FINISH YOUR GARDEN IN 55 HOURS A BUS FULL OF PEOPLE WILL EXPLODE

"BOSS I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT MY TRAVEL SCHEDULE ... YES IT'S ABOUT THE GARDEN AGAIN ... LISTEN I JUST NEVER HAD A GARDEN GROWING UP AND THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME"

Anyone handy, in the gardening space?

TO BE CLEAR YOU'RE *NOT* ASKING IF ANYONE IS HANDY WHEN IT COMES TO ATTIC INSULATION?

Need help getting the supplies from the home ore as well.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRAW SUPPLIES…

MSN quick links of the week

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WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO

AS IF I HAVEN'T PORED OVER DONKEY KONG COUNTRY: TROPICAL FREEZE TO FULLY APPRECIATE ITS MAGNIFICENT DETAILS

I MEAN C'MON




BUSINESS INSIDER READERS FRUSTRATED ABOUT HEADLINES ARE HAVING BAD GRAMMAR

BOOM ROASTED, BUSINESS INSIDER




THIS PHOTO ACTUALLY MAKES ME WANT TO DRINK A GALLON OF GASOLINE

WTF





BEEN TRYIN' TO READ THE TEA LEAVES ON THE CHICKEN WING MARKET BEFORE MAKING MY SUMMER PLANS

SO THIS IS WELCOME NEWS

NOW I CAN GO ALL OUT ON OTHER SUMMER ESSENTIALS SUCH AS RAVIOLI AND BAND AIDS




I HAVE NO IDEA

THIS IS LIKE A FREAKY FRIDAY WHERE THE HEADLINES ARE ASKING ME THE QUESTIONS

AND I DON'T LIKE IT

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO THINK




THIS HEADLINE IS MISSING LIKE EIGHT WORDS

OR IS IT A TYPO

"WASH"

DID THEY WASH HIM

THAT WOULD BE WEIRD BUT IT KINDA MAKES MORE SENSE THAN WHATEVER THIS IS



A PENIS?

AGAIN, CAME HERE FOR ANSWERS AND AM LEAVING WITH MORE QUESTIONS

"NEW SCIENCE"

NEW ENGLISH PROVES THAT WORDS WITH THIS LETTER H…

Facebook memes of the week

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FOUND A DOPE NEW FACEBOOK PAGE CALLED HAPPY GRANDMA

*HOW* DOPE YOU ASK

BOUT TO HIT YOU OFF WITH THE REALNESS




THIS TYPE OF BITING COMMENTARY IS TIMELESS

BUT USING A MINION ADDS A CONTEMPORARY FLAVOR THAT SPEAKS TO THE MODERN HOUSEWIFE

IF ANYONE SHOULD BE MAKING MAN VS. WOMAN OBSERVATIONS IN 2018 IT'S A SITE CALLED HAPPY GRANDMA

YOU KNOW WHAT, I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE WASTING TIME CRITICIZING THIS ON MY DAY OFF





HATE TO BE THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS BUT NOT *EVERYONE* IN HAPPY GRANDMA CLUB CAN HAVE THE BEST GRANDKIDS

"BEARER" WAS A PUN BECAUSE THIS MEME FEATURES A BEAR WITH A RABBIT ON ITS BACK AND ALSO A BEAR AND A RABBIT RIDING A UNICYCLE

WHICH-- SURE WHY NOT

THE FIRST RULE OF HAPPY GRANDMA CLUB IS "THROW A BEAR AND A RABBIT RIDING A UNICYCLE ON THERE"




DOES THIS FLOPPY-HAIRED RED SOX FAN KNOW HE'S BEING USED TO ADVANCE THE GRANDMA AGENDA

I'M IMAGINING THE THINGS THIS KID PROBABLY SAYS ON THE REGS AND THIS IS DEF NOT ONE OF THEM

SEEMS MORE LIKE THE "GRAND…

Inspirational poster of the week

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THIS POSTER IS IN OUR CONFERENCE ROOM

WHAT DOES IT MEAN

HOW DOES THIS STORY END

DOES IT CONTINUE ON THE BACK

BECAUSE OF THE ELLIPSES

I MEAN DOUBLE ELLIPSES

DOUBLE ELLIPSES MEAN THAT *A LOT* OF INFORMATION IS ON THE WAY

OR IN THIS CASE NONE

AM I A LEADER OR A FOLLOWER

AND WHICH IS BETTER

WHEN I'M DRIVING A RACECAR

HOLD UP THE RACECARS ARE A METAPHOR?

BECAUSE I AM ALSO A RACECAR DRIVER AND THIS POSTER IS IN OUR RACECAR PLACE CONFERENCE ROOM

IT'S CALLED "RACECAR PLACE CONFERENCE ROOM A"

"RACECAR PLACE CONFERENCE ROOM B" IS ON THE SECOND FLOOR AND IT HAS A POSTER OF A CARTOON RAT THAT READS "RATS..................IT'S MONDAY" LOL

ANYWHERE WHERE WAS I

OH YEAH AM I A LEADER OR A FOLLOWER

PRETTY SURE I'M A FOLLOWER

THAT'S ME IN THE ORANGE RACECAR

OF LIFE

IS THAT BAD

I WON'T WIN THE RACE BUT I WON'T GET BLAMED FOR ANYTHING EITHER

I'M ALL ABOUT PLAYING IT SAFE HERE AT RACECAR PLACE HEADQUARTERS

BESIDES I JUST STARTED LAST WEEK

ANYW…

Internet stuff of the week

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HATE TO NITPICK BUT PRETTY SURE IT'S NORTH CHAROLINE





OK SURE

"SCIENTISTS"

"OH WHAT DO I FOR A LIVING, WELL I'M A ROSEMARY SCIENTIST CURRENTLY CONDUCTING A COMPREHENSIVE RESEARCH STUDY, HOPING TO PUBLISH MY RESULTS IN A MEME IN TWO TO THREE YEARS"

I DID NOT SHARE THIS BECAUSE IF MY MEMORY IS 75 PERCENT BETTER THAN ALL YA'LLS I WILL HAVE A SIZABLE ADVANTAGE WHEN THE ALIENS TAKE OVER

(BTW I AM NOT MAKING THE "ROSEMARY IS A WOMAN" JOKE BUT NOT BECAUSE I DON'T THINK IT'S KIND OF FUNNY)

((TRIPLE NEGATIVE, SON))




EXCLAMATION POINT!

TONE: NAILED IT

AGAIN, HATE TO NITPICK BUT THIS IS FILED UNDER "TV" INSTEAD OF "RAPE"




WHAT

THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE

BECAUSE ICE-T'S CHARACTER AARON GRIFFIN WAS TOTALLY LOCKABLE IN 'GEARS OF WAR 3'

HONESTLY EVERYTHING AFTER 'GEARS OF WAR 2' JUST DOESN'T DO IT FOR ME

I MEAN, I'LL PLAY IT BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME

"GRANDPA, IS IT TRUE THAT ICE-T'S CHARACT…