Showing posts from June, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: RE: BREAKING STUDY: NBA Finals Sets Online Viewing Record - For Least Adult Website Views (Full Study Inside)

Quite possibly the greatest subject header involving the NBA and porn studies that exists. Also, "BREAKING STUDY" is a thing, I guess? Before I comment any further, let's go inside to see the full study, which is inside. The computer.

Hey there,


How’s it going?

Pretty good, I guess. Still catching my breath from watching the NBA Finals while NOT simultaneously watching online porn. You?

Last night, one of the best NBA Finals series of all time came to a historic climax – and beyond the King getting his second ring, the games did the seemingly impossible – took viewers away from online porn.

Cool use of climax there. I suspect this entire email could serve as one, big "that's what she said," and I will try my best to refrain from going there. I don't want such immaturity to infiltrate this very important and relevant topic about basket…

The trials and tribulations of our daughter, part III

Read part I here; part II here.

Our daughter, DLG1, is beautiful, sweet, smart, funny, active, warm, and extremely outgoing. You could meet her, as many have, and find her to be no different than the average child. Even our extended family often has a difficult time believing that our nurture did not easily overcome her nature.

The truth of the matter is that it has not, and never will.

We see life through the lens of our own experiences, and because of that it’s nearly impossible to understand, much less relate to, a child who was born not to a mother but to a system that passed her around until God intervened. Even we, her parents who have been there since day … (counting) 111, have difficulty with it all. There is an extreme temptation to say, to believe, she’s been with us essentially her entire life, and she doesn’t remember being abandoned; she was just a baby! And even if she did remember anything, it must have been terrible, and life is much better now. Everything is fine. The…

Spam email of the week

Subject: File Number (UNO-154/4456/013)

Look at all those letters and numbers! This email couldn't be more official if it had a seal. Who sent this joint, yo?

From: United Nations Trust Funds []

UNITED NATIONS TRUST FUNDS? Daaaaaaaaaaaag. I didn't know there was a united nations of foreign diplomats who convene to decide which email users randomly receive trust funds! This is great news. I know there's war and poverty and all that, but sometimes the world gets it right, you know?

I'm pleased to inform you that you've be selected by the United Nations Development Program (UNDP) for its Grant Award.

It's humbling to know that I've "be selected" for this, along with all the other esteemed "undisclosed recipients" copied here. I will use this grant money to finally set up my pediatric nutrition foundation, which teaches kids about GMOs and the benefits of organic produce J/K GONNA BUY A FLYBOAT CAUSE I'M FLY.

It's like, do…

The trials and tribulations of our daughter, part II

For part I click here.

My wife’s background as a therapist enabled her to notice things very early on with our daughter that many might have missed. By "many" I mean me and by "might have" I mean did. In fact, the only reason our daughter (daddy’s little girl, DLG1) never received speech therapy is because my wife is a speech therapist, so our daughter has been unconsciously annunciating since she was a baby: I saaaaaid, “Wah, wah.” What can’t you understand about that, father? Now please hand me my bottle before I flip out. DLG1 does, however, currently have three non-speech therapists.

Her physical therapist has done wonders with the four-month-old we handed her who could not hold her head up. Not including illegal narcotics, DLG1 did not receive any pre-natal care, which caused her to have the physical strength and stamina of banana pudding. Now she is more athletic than most kids her age, and last year won “a long jumping contest” at school. On those days wh…

Spam email of the week

Subject: hi

Oh, hi ... "keketa dakowa."

Hello dear, Nice to meet you ,how are you doing today in your

Is this what you consider "meeting" someone? ME TOO. I am doing great today here in America, thanks for asking. What's popping with you in your stupid country?

My name is keketa wish to have you as my friend,honest to
share a true relationship with you,

Oh, snap, this is cool and normal. I think the first step to building a true relationship with a complete stranger is to send that person an email and be all like, "let's have a true relationship my name is Keketa." Let us skip all of the mutual experiences and bonds of trust and get on with the relationship because honestly, who has the time? Quick question though: how do you define friendship?

for friend is all about Respect,
Admiration and love passion,and sharing of ideas,

Poetry. Did you pull this from the Psalms? Prolly. So dang true, though. Mad respect. A friend to me is all about click…

The trials and tribulations of our daughter, part I

As usual one morning last week, I was only able to complete school drop-off after prying our older daughter off me like a wailing amoeba, and left to a chorus of, “NO DADDY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The phrase kicking and screaming is not usually literal, but that is exactly what our daughter was doing while being held back by several teachers as all the other children, including those much younger than her, looked on with both awe and disdain. As I walked down the hallway to leave, a mom who I kind of know and who was bearing witness to this whole thing looked at me and said, “Don’t you just wish you knew when days like this were coming?” I responded, “Ha, I know when I wake up it’s going to be a day like this.” I expected a normal parent-to-parent response to that, something like, “Tell me about it!” Instead she responded with a somewhat judgmental, “Really?”

Well, yeah, REALLY. My wife later said that I probably misread the comment because I was on edge. Perhaps. The previous evening our…

Spam email of the week

Today's email comes from "Micheal Gilbert," which is either Michael spelled incorrectly, a French person or something, or a thing that doesn't really exist. The answer is "C."

Subject: Ad Placement.

"If ya' can't spell yer own name ... ya' might be a spambot."

"If ya' be usin' puncteee-ation in yer subject header ... sorry, but ya' might be a spambot."

- Jeff Spamworthy

Good Day,

It was.

 I wish to place an employment ad and will require a price quote and your next publish.

That was almost a sentence. You were almost there. It was so close. I feel bad about how you can't formulate a sentence. I don't want to judge you, even though you are terrible. I wish you weren't so terrible. Please, go on.

Account Representative / Mystery-Shopper.

Is this the same position?

Person 1: So, what do you do for a living?

Person 2: I am an account representative slash mystery shopper.

Person 1: Oh, I have heard abou…

Families: bonded through their dissatisfaction with everything

I don’t think people realize how much they complain until they actually hear themselves. Seriously, listen to yourself. Wow, you are ungrateful.

And we should hang out because I, too, complain a lot. This column itself is basically a drawn-out, weekly complaint. “I have pigeons on my roof, my clothes don’t fit, there are too many television shows on my DVR, wah, wah, wah.” I am sorry.

But here’s the thing: am I? I am not sorry. But I am trying to change. I am currently reading a book about perspective, and I am taking its advice by writing down something I am thankful for each and every day. Today was “I am thankful I’m not a MORON like that idiot on Grand Avenue.” It’s a work in progress.

All of this had me thinking recently—is the need to complain something learned or inherent? Nature or nurture? The reason I ask is because our daughters complain ALL THE TIME, and I do not believe they have already become so jaded by their stressful existence of playing nonstop and not having to wo…