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Showing posts from May, 2007

Classic card of the week

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*Special Friday edition
Kevin Brown, 1999 Topps

Hey, buddy, ya’ gonna take this friggin’ picture or what? You think I have all day here? I’m Kevin freakin’ Brown! Do you have any idea what that means? Ugh. Look at you. You’re like, thirty pounds overweight. No wonder you became a photographer. Hey, you look familiar…did I strike you out in high school? I did, didn’t I? I definitely struck you out. Now I remember. What’s your name? Is it Fatty McTripod? No? Too bad. That’s your name. For crying out loud, why is this taking so long?! It’s a beautiful day outside! Do you know how many things I could be doing right now instead of sitting here like a total jackass? I could be throwing a no-hitter right now. In my mind, I’m throwing a no-hitter right now, right in your freakin’ face! I could be signing a ridiculous multi-year contract right now. You are literally taking money out of my pocket this very second. You owe me a bazillion dollars. I could be punching a wall in a fit of rage right n…

Classic card of the week

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Cory Snyder, 1991 Score

Who can forget Cory Snyder? I mean, besides everybody? More importantly, who can forget Cory Snyder’s laser, rocket arm? Cory Snyder was indeed a rifleman, if you cannot already tell by the gusto in which he is rifling the ball in the above photo. Where’s the ball, you say? Probably like, a million miles away by now. Maybe light years even. In fact, Cory Snyder threw a baseball so hard, that it often caused him to transport into other dimensions, as evidenced, once again, by the above photo. In this particular dimension, the 6’3” 185 lb Snyder was transformed into a 7’4” 97 lb baseball player, who coincidentally, also played for the Cleveland Indians. And his name was also Cory Snyder, and he was a rifleman. That dimension was easy. In other dimensions, however, Cory Snyder would turn into a priest, or even a fireman, and he would have to solve various crimes. Sometimes he would even fall in love, which kind of sucked, because he would eventually be transported …

Classic card of the week

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Luis Sanchez, 1986 Topps
*Special Friday edition

Luis Sanchez was brought up under the ideology, “Trust no one.” In fact, Sanchez did not even trust the very person who introduced him to this important life lesson – his father – but that may have been due to his father’s ill-conceived wording when doling out advice: “Trust no one. Trust me.” And Luis Sanchez did not trust his own mother either. One day, a young Sanchez arrived home from school to find his mother rummaging through his clothes drawer. It was later discovered that Mrs. Sanchez was simply putting away the clothes she had washed and ironed for her son, but that was no matter to Luis. He never spoke to his mother again, and he immediately initiated his custom of writing his name on every piece of clothing that he owned. “Trust no one,” Luis would mutter to himself as he spent sleepless nights, sharpie in hand, writing his first and last name on opposite butt cheeks of some newly acquired cargo shorts. So when Luis Sanchez mad…

One-on-one with: Roger Clemens

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Me: Roger, welcome back!

Roger Clemens: Thank you…Where am I again?

Me: New York.

Clemens: Oh yeah. Awesome. You know, I always loved playing in New York, and my family-

Me: Roger, Roger, whoa. Stop it. You don’t need to go through that spiel with me. We all know why you’re back here.

Clemens: I came back for one reason -- to help the Yankees win a World Series title. I’m very committed to-

Me: Holy crap, Roger! Will you stop it already! Is there an off button on your back?

Clemens: System error!

Me: What?

Clemens: What?

Me: I have no idea what’s going here. Let’s cut the crap though, Rog. For serious. You came back to the Yankees for the money, and we all know it. That’s the reality. But a lot of Major League Baseball teams have money. What reasons besides money made you decide to come back to the Yankees?

Clemens: That’s a great question. I don’t know…probably the money.

Me: Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. What influence did Andy Pettitte have on your decision?

Clemens: Andy’s like, my soul m…

Classic card of the week

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Jeff Montgomery, 1991 Topps

If it weren’t for the Royals uniform and the stadium background, this could easily be a picture of Jeff Montgomery on vacation in the Bahamas, as taken by his lovely (I assume) wife. But for Jeff Montgomery, everyday was a day at the beach, even if that beach was technically the barren wasteland also known as the Kansas City Royals organization. No matter to Montgomery, who began each day by putting on his practice uni, grabbing his Royals sun visor, popping the cassette single of Technotronic’s “Pump Up the Jam” into his iPod walkman, and fast-walking three laps around the stadium. And hey, if somebody stopped him and wanted to take his picture, for say, a baseball card, or even a “Kansas City Royals’ 1991 Studs of the Bullpen Calendar,” that was cool with Jeff Montgomery. Snap away. Actually though…is that a visor? I’m not exactly sure. I’ve never seen anything like that in my entire life. It almost looks as if Montgomery is wearing a fitted Royals hat bac…

Classic card of the week

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Alex Cole, 1991 Topps

Few players struck fear into the hearts of opposing pitchers quite like Alex Cole. Some say it was the thick, oversized glasses, which not only protected his face from errant fastballs, but also gave him 7-7 vision, which led the league. (“Vision” was a statistical category in 1990, before it was replaced by “OPS.”) Others say it was the condescending smile. Said Roger Clemens in 1991: “Of all the players I hate facing, Alex Cole has to be at the top of the list. He has this smile, like he knows something that I don’t know. Like he slept with my sister or something. I tried to beam him in the eyes one time and the ball bounced of his glasses and over the wall for a three-run home run. I hate that guy.” Still, others claim that it was Cole’s penchant for trash talk that made it hard to focus on the mound. Among Alex Cole’s hit list of hurled insults are the following:
To Frank Viola: “Yo! You got nicer jheri curls than my mom!”
To Nolan Ryan: “Eat this, hick!”
To Dave…