So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

I’ve always thought downtown Glendale would be just a little bit hipper if, instead of having approximately 138 competing antique shops, it had literally anything else. Not to say the antique shops aren’t fine, but it always seemed like overkill. Replacing just one of them with, say, a cool bar or a vegan lunch spot would, I always thought, go a long way toward attracting a more diverse clientele. I held this line of thinking, however, without ever having stepped foot inside one of these antique shops. Not that I ever had anything against antiquing (legitimate verb, apparently), but I don’t know a good antique from a bad antique, and my perpetual mission in life is to get rid of stuff, not acquire more stuff. If my wife and I were both acquiring stuff, we would be on “Hoarders” next week and I would be buried in scented candles and children’s toys. Walking through downtown Glendale after Oktoberfest last month, my wife and some of our friends did a little window shopping ...

Subject: yard sale watch Cool. I could use a watch from a yard sale. And email seems like the perfect place to get it. My name is David Bailey and I created a FREE yard sale app called " yard sale watch " for the Iphone. I bet Mr. and Mrs. Bailey are proud. And that's coming from someone who creates FREE spam email writeups on his blog. If you see a yard sale or if you are having a yard sale, just click the blue house button on the app and it pins your location. You can add up to 3 photos, share it on facebook,twitter Here is me doing that: I just checked in at [total stranger's driveway]. Trying to talk them down on this: (picture of XXXXL Sean Jean t-shirt on hanger) and this: (picture of Warren Beatty-signed Dick Tracey movie poster) If you're on #yardsalewatch holla atcha boy. (selfie) Oh, and anyone out there know the market price for this? [404 ERROR - YOU HAVE EXCEEDED MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF PICTURES ALLOWED ON YARD SALE WATCH APP. PLEASE CLOSE AP...

The big Thanksgiving traditions are properly acknowledged—ad nauseam, if you ask me—every year. There are, however, some important Thanksgiving traditions that have not been given their just due. So today I would like to do just that. The famous Thanksgiving salmon . If you’re vegetarian like my wife and I, then you shirk the traditional turkey in favor of something that contains considerably less bird meat. (By the way, as vegetarians who eat fish, we are technically “pescetarians,” but I am not even going there. Most people we meet in Arizona are already flabbergasted by the term “vegetarian.” There’s no need to make it worse.) And the closest thing to bird meat is a dead, pink fish. It’s not like we’re going to eat some flimsy tilapia. I mean, it’s Thanksgiving for crying out loud, not Memorial Day. If you think family rolls their eyes at your vegetarianism the other 364 days a year, just wait until Thanksgiving. I remember our first vegetarian Thanksgiving like it was y...

Subject: Furniture quote Part of me wants to believe this is a legit email requesting a quote on a classified ad for furniture. But the rest of me knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is a bonkers spam-jam that will try to sell me a recliner. Are my instincts correct? Let's see who this is from. From: Chair OK. Respect Director, Whatever happens though, this is dope. I like this. Respect Director ? Maybe that is not technically my job title right NOW, but it will be when all is said and done, even if I have to agree to a 25-percent pay cut in the process. But it won't even matter because I will immediately turn around and fire my boss on account of that blatant disrespect and give myself a raise out of respect for myself. Any questions? Didn't think so. Now everyone get back to respecting one another, aiiiiight? If you need me, I'll be in my office, a.k.a. the Chamber of Respect. Mad respect, son. We are Chinese chair and sofa factory locate in Foshan,...

Subject: RE:Your Abandoned Package For Delivery Welp, looks like my abandoned package is finally ready for delivery. This is going to sound weird, I know, but I've been waiting for an abandoned package to be delivered to me by my good friend, former mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg. So let me just check who this is from ... From: "Michael Bloomberg." { daan@petrokimia-gresik.com} Word. True story: My friend Michael Bloomberg's email address used to be mbloomberg@nycmayor.gov, but since he left office, he wanted to keep a low profile, so he changed it to daan@petrokimia-gresik.com, which represents a bunch of inside jokes that only me and Michael Bloomberg are privy to. He's actually hilarious, Michael Bloomberg. We LOL.  VERY IMPORTANT NOTIFICATION, Michael Bloomberg. But this sounds serious. What's up, Michael Bloomberg? Is everything OK?  How are you today? Hope all is well with you and your family? I hope this mail finds you in an excel...

My wife and I do not fight often. We share a similar, oftentimes offensive, sense of humor, and are alike in enough ways to where we’re rarely at odds. When we do fight, however, sheets are almost always involved. And no—we’re not between them. We are either folding them or putting them on the bed. Both of those things are THE WORST, but if I had to pick one that’s worse than the other, I would pick both. Folding the regular bed sheet isn’t so bad. As long as I am standing at a proper distance holding my side tightly, ensuring no wrinkles, and, when it comes time to fold over, I fold in the same direction as my wife, which is something I have to guess at because she doesn’t tell me, and I never guess right. In her defense, if she were to say, “Now fold to the right,” by the time I was able to process whether she is talking about her right or my right, she would have already folded her side and be extremely annoyed that I was still standing there with my mouth open like a fool. F...

Subject: http://www.glendalestar.com/ Sure. http://www.glendalestar.com/ That's me. SZFC International Co. is a factory and trader of color changing mugs located in China. SZFC International Co. needs no introduction. But thank you. What are color changing mugs? Mugs that change color? I'm sorry, that was stupid of me. I hate myself. I don't know. ● To pour in HOT water, the mug changes colors magically ; ● To pour in COLD drink, the mug changes colors magically too. This sounds very complicated. Do you have pictures of this mug magic? What kind of sorcery is happening here? I cannot condone this type of black magic. J/k I would like 10 NesQuik bunny cups to impress my friends. I have to ask though, because according to the documentary Food Inc. , the magic contained in color changing mugs is often toxic cow semen: Are these mugs FDA-approved? With SGS approval, pass FDA. Is that an answer? We are audited by Disney, AVON CPA and Sedex are available. Oh good. The last th...

Subject: SEE THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR PAYMENT‏‏‏‏‏‏‏ Because our fantasy high school girls volleyball commissioner is the WORST, that's why. Good day, Sometimes i do wonder if you are really, really with yourself. Is that you, Plato? Not sure I've ever been hit off with the realness this early on in a spam email. Because you know what? I wonder the same thing sometimes. Am I really with myself? Or am I a dope rapper-turned-actor stuck in the body of a lanky, gray-bearded white man? Also, what is space? How did matter as we know it come to ex- How could you keep trusting people and at the end you will loose your hard earned money, or are you being deceived by their big names? Indeed there are few bigger names than Gen. D. Rubben Brett and the Rev. Al Green John Anderson , so you can't really blame me for being easily deceived. Their game plan is only just to extort your hard earned money. Now, the question is how long will you continue to be d...

Subject: Good Day, I am Diplomat Douglas Wilson This is the subject. Exactly the subject header a true diplomat would use. What's poppin', Dougie Fresh? Good Day,    I am Diplomat Douglas Wilson I have been trying to reach you on your telephone about an hour now just to inform you about my successful arrival in Syracuse Hancock International Airport, New York (USA), with your two boxes of consignment worth $2.5 million USA dollars which I have been instructed by FEDEX DIPLOMATIC COURIER COMPANY to be delivered to you. They say don't bury the lede, and Diplomat Douglas Wilson certainly does not. Strangely, I have been right next to my phone for the past five hours, so the ringer must be off. Which stinks because I have always suspected my sudden riches would be somehow connected to an airport in Syracuse that I literally just discovered existed. Nevertheless, shout out to the FEDEX DIPLOMATIC COURIER COMPANY for instructing you to give me $2.5 million in box money fo...

Janice was a girl who lived around the block from our house when I was growing up. She was cool, but also a little rough around the edges. She always seemed to be into the bad stuff just a little too soon. One time, I, my sister Jill, and Janice were hanging out in our backyard and playing some game where we were jumping off our picnic table. During one of her jumps, Janice mooned us on her way down and my sister and I had no idea how to react except to later agree in private to not hang out with Janice anymore. I still have the image of Janice’s bare butt imbedded deep into my psyche, and not in a good way because I never thought of Janice like that. (Possibly with good reason. My sister said the last time she saw her, Janice had short, spiked hair and was wearing a sleeveless T-shirt and holding hands with her girlfriend.) A few months later, after avoiding Janice at all costs lest I fall victim to having to see her butt cheeks in midair again, I was walking home from my cousin’...

Intro: There are some Arizona Cardinals fan sites that like to express their insecure love for the local team via weird trash talk and hyper-masculine threats of violence. Let us explore some today, OK? OK. PRETTY SURE IT IS THO ONE HUNDRED YARDS + 160 FEET WIDE + 22 HUMANS = MAD ROOM ALSO IT'S THEIR FIELD ALSO THE FIELD IS IN A STADIUM THAT IS LITERALLY LIKE THE BIGGEST STADIUM THAT HAS EVER EXISTED ALSO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN I'VE NEVER WATCHED FOOTBALL BEFORE SO NOT SURE HOW IT WORKS DOES THE FATTER TEAM GAIN RIGHTS TO THE FIELD, AT WHICH POINT THEY SET UP THEIR KINGDOM J/K I LIKE YOUR MEMES DO HAVE ANY ABOUT OTHER TEAMS OR PLAYERS OH SNAP ... WHAT HIS LAST NAME IS GORE SO THIS SHOULD BE "FRANK WHO?" WHICH ALSO DOESN'T MAKE SENSE BUT STILL, OH SNAP PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE HAS THE BALL AND IS GETTING TACKLED ONLY THE BEST, MOST RECOGNIZABLE PLAYERS DON'T EVER GET TACKLED IN FOOTBALL, LIKE ALL THE CARDINAL...

Subject: Congratulations beneficiary! This is going to be a good day. Everyone is happy and proud of my ability to earn money just by sitting around. Good day, I know, right? This is to inform you that the WESTERN UNION management is no longer happy with your inability to contact us since the last time we sent you an email in regards to the below information. Welp, now I am sad. At first, WESTERN UNION management was happy with my inability to contact them, our clever game of me not responding to emails they never sent producing a kind of joy similar to when a father tries to call his estranged son from jail before remembering he doesn't have a son. But that persisted, and they changed emotional course, and they are no longer happy with this. As someone who has made a lifelong, conscious effort to never disappoint WESTERN UNION management (WWWUMD?), this has obviously rocked my world. This is the 4th time we are reaching you and would probably be the last if you fail to...

When I go food shopping, if circumstances allow, I bag my own groceries. What are the necessary circumstances? First and foremost, I must be shopping alone. If I have my girls with me, I’m sorry, but all of my attention and energy on the checkout line is focused on keeping their hands off the candy and trying to prevent them from repeatedly asking the cashier for stickers. Not that I succeed at this, as I typically leave the store with two girls plastered with stickers on their body and faces that read “THIS ALCOHOL IS PAID FOR.” Second, there has to be no store employee available to bag. I wouldn’t want a grocery store employee coming to my job, pushing me out of my chair and sitting down to write a rambling column about my family, so I won’t impose. This rules out shopping at Safeway, which usually has baggers. By the way, I’m pretty sure Safeway baggers are obligated to ask, “Do you need help out with this?” which is embarrassing for everyone involved when I’m declining while be...

Subject: Glendale Incidents - Glendalestar.com: News 2014-08-28 2:05:53 This is an interesting spam email tactic. They've taken an actual article from our actual website and used it as the subject header for this email. So, theoretically, were I an idiot, I would say to myself, "Oh, this legit person must be emailing me about something online. I better open this email and see what is happening so I can address it instantaneously and professionally. After all, I am the web editor, and I must adhere to my responsibilities." Then I open the email. Dear Sir / Madam, "This person is good and nice, and I don't hold it against them that they don't know whether I have a penis or a vagina. After all, my work email handle, 'subscribe,' is not gender specific. But I definitely don't have a vagina, for what it's worth. "Not sure why I needed to remind myself of that, but no going back now. My inner dialogue bites its tongue for no one....

Subject: sir or madam I must be doing something wrong if none of these spam emails can detect my masculinity through their computers. I am going to wear more cologne. Attn:  Car Cleaners Detailing - Mesa, AZ - Peoriatimes.com You have correctly identified our newspaper's website - peoriatimes.com - as a car cleaner that does detailing. In Mesa. This is reassuring, since we were originally, back in 1978, concerned the name "Peoria Times" might lead people to believe we were a newspaper in Peoria that DIDN'T do car detailing in Mesa. WHEW. To: The Director, That would be me. I direct all car detailing here. And write a humor column. Our company is specialized in Multi-Function Jump Starter.  OK. Hey, I just thought of a cool name for your company that exemplifies everything you're about: Peoria Times. It is a good partner of the car, car owners are also motorists essential artifact. This sentence reads like you found a bunch of words on the side of...

It’s cute the way kids talk. Until it isn’t. A speech therapist mom and writer dad, we work in words all day long, and as such, our girls are far less likely than most kids their age to get away with poor speech. I mean, we’re not over the top—we’re not using flashcards like Rick Moranis in Parenthood —we just feel as though they’re at the age now where it’s important for them to pronounce things correctly. Ya’ know, to learn and stuff. Which is fine … until they manage to drag you down with them into the abyss of meaninglessness. They say pick your battles as a parent, and it’s true. It’s not that I pick the wrong battles—although I do—it’s that, once engaged, I get strung along on an adventure that is so far away from the initial point I was trying to make, I end up alone and left for dead on the island of confusion. If I didn’t know better—although I don’t—I’d say they do this intentionally. To wit: Me : Anything exciting happen at school today, girls? Girl 2 : Marley at s...

Subject: VITAL INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR FUND I have a fund? I have fund. I HAVE A FUND! My Dear, I am Miss.Faith Okeke a Computer IT with central bank of Nigeria. Good ol' "Mississippi" Faith Okeke - the Nigerian computer tech with a no-nonsense approach that belies her Southern charm. Coming to CBS this fall. I am 26 years old, just started work with C.B.N. I mean C.B.N. And now. I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED, Whew! That's a relief. Had my file marked XXX and disk painted GREEN made it to Nigeria, I would be very, very concerned. Phone calls would have to be made. Diplomatic relations compromised. I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees and certificate but the fund has not been release to you. Hmmm. That's annoying. When you almost pay a certificate you expect a fund release. That's just common courtesy. One would think I'd be aware of the fund not being r...

Subject: Christian Louboutin Bargain Sales Let's do this. www.myliving123.com Welcome to christian louboutin outlet, be in the front of fashion, Christian Louboutin shoes are welcomed.Christian Louboutin shoes are the shoes stylish women deserve to own. Being stylish in itself is what earns a woman the right to have Christian Louboutin shoes, which are also stylish. And welcomed? Theoretically, a woman who punches puppies in their little puppy faces but who is also stylish *deserves* Christian Louboutin shoes. I hope the women of third world countries can rest easy tonight knowing the reason they don't have nice, expensive shoes is because they don't deserve them because they aren't stylish. So far, this email has its finger on the pulse of virtue and basic morality. ANYWAY, I know nothing about women and have been fooled by emails before. Do you have photographic evidence that Christian Louboutin shoes are truly something women like? This montage of cr...

When we embarked on a family drive to my grandparent’s house when I was young, we would pass this large building. There was no signage out front, and I was always curious as to what the building was. One day, as my dad drove us all to Mum and Pop’s, we inevitably passed it, and I finally asked my dad about the building. My dad, while spying me through his rearview mirror said, “Oh, that? That’s the Seatbelt Federation building. They monitor which kids are wearing their seatbelts in the passing cars, so if I were you, I’d get mine on LIKE I TOLD YOU WHEN WE LEFT THE HOUSE.” I couldn’t get my seatbelt on fast enough. I’d like to say it was my childlike naïveté and not sheer idiocy that spurred me to action, but I’m pretty sure I was a teenager before I realized it was really a professional building that rented office space. Fast forward some 30 odd years, to my daily routine of strapping two girls into their car seats. They’re both at the age now where they want to do everything on...

Subject: Re I hate you. Hello! Hello! I hope you don't mind me contacting you. Not at all, Dmitriy Golovin [nikogdin@yandex.ru]! I am just sitting here at my full-time job for which I have a laundry list of daily responsibilities that - let's be honest - can wait while I open this email regarding nothing that was sent to me by a robot with a misspelled name that is at at odds with the BS email address for which it's associated. What's good, Dmitriy? I enjoy collecting souvenirs from various corners of the wide world and this has turned into a hobby. OK. This is good for me to know. I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU DMITRIY. I wish you a long, fruitful existence of caressing your souvenirs lovingly when you are not busy sending out emails to random people about how much you love your souvenirs. Is it OK if I get back to work no- I was hoping that you would be kind and send me a little something. Uhhh I have received gifts from all over the world, including han...