Spam email of the week

Subject: sir or madam

I must be doing something wrong if none of these spam emails can detect my masculinity through their computers. I am going to wear more cologne.

Attn:  Car Cleaners Detailing - Mesa, AZ -

You have correctly identified our newspaper's website - - as a car cleaner that does detailing. In Mesa. This is reassuring, since we were originally, back in 1978, concerned the name "Peoria Times" might lead people to believe we were a newspaper in Peoria that DIDN'T do car detailing in Mesa. WHEW.

To: The Director,

That would be me. I direct all car detailing here. And write a humor column.

Our company is specialized in Multi-Function Jump Starter. 

OK. Hey, I just thought of a cool name for your company that exemplifies everything you're about: Peoria Times.

It is a good partner of the car, car owners are also motorists essential artifact.

This sentence reads like you found a bunch of words on the side of the road and decided to line them up single file. From what I can gather, these are the major points this non-sentence is trying to make:

  • Essential parts of the car are also partners with the car. Kind of like how my wife and I are partners if my wife was my spleen.
  • Car owners are also motorists. I can't argue with this, and I'm glad someone finally had the guts to say it.
  • These first two points are as essential to basic truth as a dinosaur fossil. Makes sense.

Jump Starter has very wide range application the following:

1. Start car.

I don't believe for one second that your jump starter starts cars. Prove it.

I stand corrected. True story: One time I tried to jump start a car without making "sure at least 3 LED light are bright," and I killed a guy. (Not true.)

2. Support charge car, laptop, ipad, phone, slr, PSV, DV, etc.

Just to be clear, I'd like to go over, again, the various things your car jump starter can charge besides the car:

  • charge car No idea what that is. A remote-controlled car? OK.
  • laptop Those usually come with their own chargers but yeah, sure, I think using jumper cables to charge a laptop would be cool and normal.
  • ipad Ditto
  • phone Landlines, too, I will assume. Wonderful.
  • slr ?
  • PSV ??
  • DV ??????????????????????????????????????

I'm sorry - I am confused about all this. Is there a food chain-type diagram you can provide that will show in layman's terms what you're talking about here?

According to this diagram, the jump starter is the sun around which the planets of technology revolve? I don't know if that's accurate, but this is without a doubt the greatest diagram ever created.

If you like know more info about Jump Starter, We’ll be happy to offer more and support you step by step.

I will like know more info. How many steps are there on the ladder of jump starter discovery?

Cathy []

Cool email address, Cathy.

So I never ordered the jump starter but I asked Cathy out on a date. I wore too much cologne to let her know I was def a sir and Cathy was like:

I guess you could say I didn't jump start the relationship.

Thank you.