Friday, October 10, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re

I hate you.

Hello!

Hello!

I hope you don't mind me contacting you.

Not at all, Dmitriy Golovin [nikogdin@yandex.ru]! I am just sitting here at my full-time job for which I have a laundry list of daily responsibilities that - let's be honest - can wait while I open this email regarding nothing that was sent to me by a robot with a misspelled name that is at at odds with the BS email address for which it's associated.

What's good, Dmitriy?

I enjoy collecting souvenirs from various corners of the wide world and this has turned into a hobby.

OK. This is good for me to know. I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU DMITRIY. I wish you a long, fruitful existence of caressing your souvenirs lovingly when you are not busy sending out emails to random people about how much you love your souvenirs. Is it OK if I get back to work no-

I was hoping that you would be kind and send me a little something.

Uhhh

I have received gifts from all over the world, including handles,

???

Dear Dmitriy,

Thank you for reaching out to me via email. I am thrilled to participate in your affection for worldwide souvenirs. Within this package you will find one of our country's famous handles. We are renown for using handles to carry things, and I don't think I'm being immodest to say that our country's handles are by far the best handles you can find anywhere in the world. I ripped this one off my mother's luggage, which she won on our country's version of "The Price is Right." (Here it is called "How Much For Everyday Thing, Prisoner?") Please enjoy and stay bless.

Love always,

Pooty Tang, South Americaland


badges, charms, coins, souvenirs with symbols of cities and countries.

Before I decide whether or not to grant your request, tell me, Dmitriy - how do all of these things make you feel?

It makes me very happy.

OK.

I would be very pleased if you would take the time to send me a small souvenir from a remarkable placeand.

We have so many remarkable placeands here near Phoenix, Arizona, it's going to be a real challenge to decide what to send Dmitriy! Maybe I will just send him the official badge of Arizona, which is Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Steven Seagal standing on top of a border fence while holding guns in the air under the caption "DON'T TREAD ON US." It's very beautiful, and all I have to do to get one is join their posse for a time period not to exceed six years.

Excuse me if for some reason you get my letter again.

"Forgive those who are redundant in their efforts to gain worldwide souvenirs." - 11th commandment

Thank you for taking the time to read my email, I would be very grateful if you would be able to help me.

Kind regards

Dmitriy.


Thank you for your kind regards, Dmitriy, and it's been my pleasure to read this email. Now, what is your address so I know where to send the Steven Seagal badge?

My address
Golovin Dmitriy


Your indecision regarding which of your names comes first will allow me to pay the postage on this with confidence.

455000,
Russia,
Magnitogorsk,
str. Uralskay 8/1-19


Hmmm, not seeing a zip code there. Thankfully, my full-time job affords me certain mailing-related advantages. So let me just run this through my trusty address confirmation machine and se- (large explosion that can be seen from outer space)

3 comments:

troy said...

I'm really not sure how to say this, but ... here goes: This is the first time I liked the emailer more than I liked you.

Yer pal
troy

mkenny59 said...

Dmitriy is the man. I can even front.

mkenny59 said...

*can't* front