Spam email of the week

Subject: RE:Your Abandoned Package For Delivery

Welp, looks like my abandoned package is finally ready for delivery. This is going to sound weird, I know, but I've been waiting for an abandoned package to be delivered to me by my good friend, former mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg. So let me just check who this is from ...

From: "Michael Bloomberg." {}

Word. True story: My friend Michael Bloomberg's email address used to be, but since he left office, he wanted to keep a low profile, so he changed it to, which represents a bunch of inside jokes that only me and Michael Bloomberg are privy to. He's actually hilarious, Michael Bloomberg. We LOL.

Michael Bloomberg.

But this sounds serious. What's up, Michael Bloomberg? Is everything OK?

 How are you today? Hope all is well with you and your family? I hope
this mail finds you in an excellent condition of health. But if you do
not remember me, you have received an email from me in the past

Uh, pretty sure I remember you. We're basically best friends. And you also used to be mayor of New York City, duh. The family is fine, thank you, Michael Bloomberg.

 regarding my late father inheritance multi-million-dollar business
proposal which we never concluded at that time.I am using this
opportunity to inform you that my late father inheritance which was
WILL in my name have been concluded with another Greek Merchant who
financed it to a logical conclusion.

Me and former mayor Michael Bloomberg used to have this saying: There are only two things Greek merchants are good for - affordable hummus and financing inheritances to their logical conclusions. Ha ha. He was kind of racist though, Michael Bloomberg.

 I thank you for your great effort to our unfinished transfer of the
funds into your account, due to one reason or the other best to known
you at that time.

Little known fact: Every single thing former mayor Michael Bloomberg ever said publicly was written for him. He actually has the language skills of a second-grade chalkboard.

Due to the effort, sincerity, courage and trust
worthiness you showed during the course of the transaction, I want to
compensate you and show my gratitude to you with the sum of
$5,900,000.00(Five Million Nine Hundred Thousand Dollars).

But he is also sweet and generous. Thank for the five million nine hundred thousand dollars, Michael Bloomberg, from when your dad croaked. I always knew my courage for sitting idly by while Michael Bloomberg's dad died would pay off.

I have left
an international certified bank draft for you, worth about
$5,900,000.00(Five Million Nine Hundred Thousand Dollars). cashable
anywhere in the world.

Well thank you for that, Michael Bloomberg. Wouldn't you know, a few months ago the former mayor of Tallahassee left me a $6.7 million certified check, but it was only cashable at select Florida-based Loan Marts! You can imagine my embarrassment when I attempted to cash it in Estonia. Suffice it say, we are no longer friends.

 My dear friend I will like you to contact Bar John Owen so that he
will send the draft to you without any delay.

Certainly, Michael Bloomberg. "Bar John Owen" sounds like a person.

At the moment, I 'm very
busy here in Paraguay South American,

As any former mayor of New York City would be.

trying to invest my money with
the help of the Good Samaritan who hears my cry and assistant in the
release of my funds with the bank.

You've come a long way from being the billionaire mayor of New York City to crying on the side of the road in Paraguay - WHAAAAH! NO ONE WILL HELP ME INVEST MY MONEY! WHAAAAH! PARAGUAY IS STUPID, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO I AM? WHAAAAH! - and being assisted by a Good Samaritan. Neither here nor there, but the Good Samaritan from the Bible helps someone not die, so using that term in the context of someone who helps you "release your funds with the bank" is good and nice.

 Thanks you in anticipation for your past efforts and God bless you.

Michael Bloomberg.

Thanks YOU, former mayor Michael Bloomberg. By the way, what ever happened to my abandoned package? Forget it - I will ask Bar John Owen.


troy said…
I'm seeing it as Michael Bloomberg is Robin Hood, stealing from himself and giving to you, and Bar John Owen is Little John. You too?
mkenny59 said…
Yes, of course. Scene: Michael Bloomberg crying in Paraguay and being comforted by Good Samaritan set to "Everything I Do, I Do It For You."