Spam email of the week

Subject: Furniture quote

Part of me wants to believe this is a legit email requesting a quote on a classified ad for furniture. But the rest of me knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is a bonkers spam-jam that will try to sell me a recliner. Are my instincts correct? Let's see who this is from.

From: Chair


Respect Director,

Whatever happens though, this is dope. I like this. Respect Director? Maybe that is not technically my job title right NOW, but it will be when all is said and done, even if I have to agree to a 25-percent pay cut in the process. But it won't even matter because I will immediately turn around and fire my boss on account of that blatant disrespect and give myself a raise out of respect for myself. Any questions? Didn't think so. Now everyone get back to respecting one another, aiiiiight? If you need me, I'll be in my office, a.k.a. the Chamber of Respect. Mad respect, son.

We are Chinese chair and sofa factory locate in Foshan, Guangdong Province.

Thank you for making known your specific province. Sure, my full-time job is that of respect director for a weekly, community newspaper, but I'm well versed in the provincial status of various Chinese sofa factories. And Guangdong has a stellar reputation for making dope-ass sofas. So please, continue.

Professional in seating furniture system,

System is an appropriate word to describe the various hunks of matter we put our butts on. Take it from a respect director - it's about time these things earned some respect for their complexity. This email is going to be like the West Coast Offense of couches.

such as leather chair, fabric/mesh chair, leather sofa, fabric sofa, etc.

See? I'm already lost. "Fabric/mesh chair?" Meshing together fabric and mesh? Meshing mesh itself ... and then sitting on it? How is that even possible? Freakin' science, man.

If there were demands of chair or sofa, feel free to contact us,

Is there ever NOT a demand "of chair or sofa" in the newspaper industry? How do you think we do newspaper stuff, standing up? Get out of here with that mess. And get in here with that mesh.

We can produce your wanted chair and sofa if with a certain quantity.

So basically what you're saying is, if I order chairs and sofas in unspecified quantities, you cannot fill the order? That's kind of absurd, but whatever. I'll chalk it up to the Guangdong Province's renowned attention to sofa detail.

Feel free to reply this email, we will send you wholesale list with photos quickly.

If doing just that would not undoubtedly unleash on me an infinite amount of Chinese sofa-related emails from which I'd be unable to unsubscribe, I would totes do it. For the pics.

Yours faithfully

Mr. Jackie

Thank you, Mr. Jackie. Your nickname - "Chair" - tells me everything I need to know about the confidence and faithfulness with which I can order chairs from you. Mad respect, son.


troy said…
When I read the first three lines of this email, I suddenly and completely understood how Heisenberg would have felt if someone started making blue tie-dye meth with 114% purity.
mkenny59 said…
You make a solid point. First three lines of this email > first three lines of anything, ever.
troy said…
Yeah, I mean, I am glad I was able to supply you in the past, I think it worked out well -- you got material for posts, I got to read the posts -- but this ... I can't compete with this.