Thursday, November 06, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Good Day, I am Diplomat Douglas Wilson

This is the subject. Exactly the subject header a true diplomat would use. What's poppin', Dougie Fresh?

Good Day,
  
I am Diplomat Douglas Wilson I have been trying to reach you on your telephone about an hour now just to inform you about my successful arrival in Syracuse Hancock International Airport, New York (USA), with your two boxes of consignment worth $2.5 million USA dollars which I have been instructed by FEDEX DIPLOMATIC COURIER COMPANY to be delivered to you.


They say don't bury the lede, and Diplomat Douglas Wilson certainly does not. Strangely, I have been right next to my phone for the past five hours, so the ringer must be off. Which stinks because I have always suspected my sudden riches would be somehow connected to an airport in Syracuse that I literally just discovered existed.

Nevertheless, shout out to the FEDEX DIPLOMATIC COURIER COMPANY for instructing you to give me $2.5 million in box money for no apparent reason, but also I am slightly disappointed in their service, considering they are about 2,500 miles off from my physical whereabouts. If they sent you from Phoenix Sky Harbor to SyraCock (my nickname for Syracuse Hancock International Airport), I am gonna be hella pissed.

I just turned my ringer on, btw.

The Airport authority(Clearing Agents) demanded for all the legal back up to prove to them that the fund is no way related with drug nor fraud money,

Airport Authority: I see that instead of socks and underwear you have $2.5 million in these cardboard travel boxes. Are you involved with like, drug or fraud or whatever?

Diplomat Douglas Wilson: What? Pfft. Nooooo. Airport authority, c'mon, I am Diplomat Douglas Wilson.

Airport authority: OK. We believe you. We just need to see your papers. And please, call us Clearing Agents.

I have presented the papers and handed it over to them and they are very much pleased with the papers I presented,

Diplomat Douglas Wilson: Here are my papers, Clearing Agents. I hope you like them. I drew butterflies on them.

Airport authority: We are very pleased with these papers. We are going to hang them on the refrigerator at the Clearing Agents airport lounge.

But the only thing that is still keeping me here in the airport is the U.S Working Permit which is not placed on the boxes, one of the Airport Authority has advise that we get the Working Permit so that I can exit the airport immediately and make my delivery successful.

Oh, you just need me to obtain a working permit for a dude stuck at the airport? This sounds like something a newspaper guy would contact a diplomat for, as opposed to something a diplomat would contact a newspaper guy for.

Contact MRS.JENET DIBOR as she is the person in charge of the U.S Embassy Benin Republic to enable you obtain the US Working Permit Clearance and forward it direct in this Air Port, you have to be fast enough to enable me delivery the box to your door step tomorrow as I promise.Contact her now Email (unembassybenin@yahoo.ca) MRS. JENET DIBOR

I am going to let my friend, Diplomat Mike Gordon, who forwarded me this beauty of an email, chime in with his thoughts regarding Diplomat Douglas Wilson's plight. Take it away, Mike:

I AM IN THE GODDAMN AIRPORT WITH $2.5 MILLION OF *YOUR* MONEY AND I'M FREAKING OUT. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST CONTACT MRS. JENET DIBOR, BY EMAIL, NATCH, ALREADY? OH MY GOD TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE AND oooooh, look, Cinnabon!

Thank you, other Mike.

As I can not afford to spend more time here due to other delivery I have to take care of in Austria . I can accompany you to your bank where you will deposit the fund successfully with these papers.

I think Austria might be closer to Arizona than Syracuse, so maybe call me when you get there and we can go banking together.

I have more vital papers with me but I can only present you the hard copy when I get to your house as that is the diplomatic rules,

OMG you are coming to my house?

Me: Oh, babe, by the way, I'm having company over later.

Wife: What? Who?

Me: Just Diplomat Douglas Wilson. I don't think you ever met him. I call him Dougie Fresh.

Wife: What? Whatever. Why is he coming over, to watch the game?

Me: Game? Nah, yo. He just has $2.5 million in two separate cardboard boxes to give me, but he has to give me the papers first, in person, obvs.

Wife: I don't trust this at all.

Me: Babe, don't get mad at me. It's diplomatic rules. Hey, should I make him nachos?

Wait a second. I just thought of something. How am I supposed to open my boxes without an unlocking code?

(Here Is Your Package Unlocking CODE (AWB33XZS)

WHEW.

Urgent Response is needed because here is very busy and hot Email me : (diplomatdouglaswilson@yahoo.com)

I am very sorry you are hot and bothered at SyraCock, Diplomat Douglas Wilson. I will email you right after I email MRS. JENET DIBOR, which is what you told me to do urgently like two seconds ago. But I will email you, too, to make you feel better and less hot. In the meantime, do me a favor and go to the bathroom and run some cold water on your wrists. That always works for me.

2 comments:

troy said...

'... that is the diplomatic rules.' That's incredible. Also, you just won, for correctly spelling 'lede.' Would you like to bet it all, double or nothing, for the correct spelling of the abbreviation for 'headline'?

mkenny59 said...

No, because I never knew headline could be abbreviated. But thank GOODNESS because what a burdensome word to write out. And thank you again for your wonderful spam.