Friday, October 17, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: VITAL INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR FUND

I have a fund? I have fund. I HAVE A FUND!

My Dear,

I am Miss.Faith Okeke a Computer IT with central bank of Nigeria.


Good ol' "Mississippi" Faith Okeke - the Nigerian computer tech with a no-nonsense approach that belies her Southern charm. Coming to CBS this fall.

I am 26 years old, just started work with C.B.N.

I mean C.B.N. And now.

I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED,

Whew! That's a relief. Had my file marked XXX and disk painted GREEN made it to Nigeria, I would be very, very concerned. Phone calls would have to be made. Diplomatic relations compromised.

I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees and certificate but the fund has not been release to you.

Hmmm. That's annoying. When you almost pay a certificate you expect a fund release. That's just common courtesy. One would think I'd be aware of the fund not being released on account of not having a fund, but this is all news to me.

The most annoying thing is that they cannot tell you the truth that on no account will they ever release the fund to you, instead they let you spend money unnecessarily.

Earlier I was annoyed, but now I am really annoyed. I am going to send them an amount of money so exorbitant it will make them RUE THE DAY they caused me to spend frivolously.

I do not intend to work here all the days of my life,

I sense a change in theme here. Can we get back to talking about my fund?

I can release this fund to you

Thank you.

if you can certify me of my security, and how I can run away from this Nigeria if I do this, because if I don't run away from this country after i made the transfer, I will be seriously in trouble and my life will be in danger.

Isn't it just like "Mississippi" Faith Okeke to put her life on the line for me, a person she doesn't even know except for what she saw on my RED-X tape, which, if I remember correctly, was three hours of me trying and failing to make gnocchi from scratch.

Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria, you may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian.

Don't use a mafia analogy and then tell me I wouldn't understand. I'm from New Jersey.

Speaking of New Jersey, shout out to Naughty by Nature:

If you ain't ever been to Nigeria
Don't ever come to Nigeria
Cause you wouldn't understand Nigeria
So stay the BLEEP out of Nigeria

 - "Mississippi" Treach

The only thing I will need to release this fund is a special HARD DISK

This is becoming very "that's what she said." You may not understand because you're not American and/or 11 years old.

we call it HD120 GIG.

This is some James Bond type ish right here. Even if our correspondence were to be intercepted by the Nigerian mafia, I am confident they would be unable to crack our complex HARD DISK code, and would have no idea how many gigs are in the HD120 GIG. So let's do this. How does this work?

I will buy two of it, recopy your information, destroy the previous one, punch the computer

Please don't punch the computer. The computer is innocent. Actually, you know what? Punch the computer. I don't care.

to reflect in your bank within 24 banking hours. I will clean up the tracer and destroy your file, after which I will run away from Nigeria to meet with you. If you are interested.

Are you ... asking me out? Let's just say my HARD DISK just went up to 150 GIGs, if you know what I'm saying. You may not unders-

Do get in touch with me immediately,You should send to me your convenient tell/fax numbers for easy communications and also re confirm your banking details,

Yes, let us communicate by fax for easy communications. The fax will be the easiest way. I just faxed you two things: a) my bank routing number and b) a picture of my fist to threaten your computer with if it asks you ONE MORE TIME to re-confirm my banking details, sheesh.

For phone conversation,please call me on +2348052520211

(pleasant woman's voice) Hello! You have reached the voicemail of the Nigerian mafia I mean C.B.N. If you know your party's extension, please dial it anytime. To obtain a certified copy of your personal HARD DISK, press 1 for RED, 2 for GREEN. If your personal HARD DISK is YELLOW, please hang up and dial 911. For Skip Allen, press 3. For Christian "the Nigerian Nightmare" Okoye, press 4. For "Mississippi" Faith Okeke, press 5. For all other calls, please fax us your bank account and routing number. It's the easiest way.

2 comments:

troy said...

What was amazing about that was not how amazing that was. What was amazing about that was how amazing that was AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN MAKE A SINGLE EBOLA JOKE. God, I admire you.

mkenny59 said...

I refuse to add fuel to the fire of fear. Also, I did not consult the Ebola Czar so I decided to play it safe.