Friday, November 07, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: SEE THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR PAYMENT‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

Because our fantasy high school girls volleyball commissioner is the WORST, that's why.

Good day,

Sometimes i do wonder if you are really, really with yourself.


Is that you, Plato? Not sure I've ever been hit off with the realness this early on in a spam email. Because you know what? I wonder the same thing sometimes. Am I really with myself? Or am I a dope rapper-turned-actor stuck in the body of a lanky, gray-bearded white man? Also, what is space? How did matter as we know it come to ex-

How could you keep trusting people and at the end you will loose your hard earned money, or are you being deceived by their big names?

Indeed there are few bigger names than Gen. D. Rubben Brett and the Rev. Al Green John Anderson, so you can't really blame me for being easily deceived.

Their game plan is only just to extort your hard earned money. Now, the question is how long will you continue to be deceived?

Can't stop, won't stop.

Sometimes, they will issue you fake check, fake ATM card, introduce you toe fake diplomatic delivery,UN-existing on-line banking and they will also fake wire transfer of Your fund with Payment Stop Order.

Listen, buddy - I'm just like any red-blooded American who's fallen victim to the ol' un-existing online banking (?), but the diplomatic delivery of that fake toe was not my fault. They had the wrong address.

Anyways,by the virtue of my position, I have been following this transaction from inception and all your efforts towards realizing the fund. More often than not, I sit down and laugh at your ignorance and that of those who claim they are assisting you, it is very unfortunate that at the end you loose.

You're kind of a dick. And what exactly is your position that you are monitoring the email correspondence between myself and Gen. D. Rubben Brett? Did you see the pics I sent him? Because that wasn't mine. It was a joke. You shouldn't laugh at that. All that said, yes, I have lost all my money. WHAT CAN I DO?

Although, I don't blame you

WHEW.

because you are not here in Nigeria to witness the processing of your payment in Nigeria.

It is true I am not in Nigeria. I'm feeling you on that.

 it is because of this truth they decided to extort you, the keeping collecting money from you both in Nigeria.

You should say Nigeria again.

The most annoying part is even fraudsters have really taken advantage of this opportunity to enrich themselves at your expense,

Hold up - the fraudsters are defrauding me not only for the sake of defrauding me, but also to enrich themselves? Gen. D. Rubben Brett never set my money on fire like he promised? Oh hell to the no.

I know the truth surrounding this payment and i am the only person who will deliver you from this long suffering if you will abide by my advice.Please i beseech you to stop pursuit of shadows and being deceived.Feel free to contact me immediately you receive this mail so that i can explain to you the modus-operandi guiding the release of your Payment. Do not panic or have fear for anything,i know you have gone through hell but time has come to reap.

A wave of comfort washes over me. I have been to hell and back chasing the shadows of spam email, but it will all be worth it when I reap what's owed to me: random wads of cash to which I have no legitimate claim.

Furthermore,all i need from you is trust,just give me the trust all your information is here with me,because i have work in UN office for over 8 years both in Africa and UK and there is no means of receiving payment that cost anything except court affidavit of claim if the owner is not there in person, which will not cost more than $185.

I like how you are up front about needing $185 off the bat. That shows me you are not like the famous Rev. John Anderson, who didn't inform me he needed a $235 processing fee until I was past the point of no return. Plus, he didn't have nearly the amount of tenure you have had in the UN office. I can't believe I trusted a reverend with no UN experience. That one's on me.

In addition, all the fees they ask both transfer cost or delivering cost, clearance  certificate known of them exist.

I have no idea what the eff this even means, but it feels like you are trying to tell me there might be additional fees in excess of the $185 you literally just promised me would be the max. It's aiiiight though, I trust you.

 If you really want us to proceed send me your direct contact or you ignore my letter if you are not interested.

Don't patronize me with reverse psychology. Of course I am interested.

Regards,
Paul Smith


That is a relief. For a second there I thought I was dealing with one of those Nigerian guys for whom English in merely a second language, but I feel better knowing I'm dealing with a Caucasian American who has the education of a 4-year-old cat. I didn't mean that to be racist. I'm just trying to reap.

"Do not panic or have fear for anything,i know you have gone through hell but time has come to reap." - Proverbz

4 comments:

troy said...

1. The reason we like you so much is not that you merely don't stop. It is that you also -- and I really can't overemphasize the degree to which we appreciate this, it's really the whole reason we come back -- don't quit.

2. That said, I am afraid you misinterpreted this email. Paul Smith is not accusing you of possession of an ill-gotten fake toe. He is mocking you for falling pray to a toe fake, which is the oldest trick in the book, despite the fact that the players usually are wearing cleats, meaning you were watching the toes FAR too closely. Since Ellington proceeded past your faked-out ass and caught that TD pass, which subsequently lost me the game in fantasy that week, I am afraid I am on Paul Smith's side here. Sorry!

mkenny59 said...

This makes so much more sense than mistakenly being delivered a fake toe that was supposed to go to a neighbor. The toe fake does always get me, mostly because my dad, during sports, would always say, "Watch the toes, not the ball." It feels like he failed me in that regard.

In my defense regarding this particular incident, yes - Ellington toe-faked me out. HOWEVER, it was very undiplomatic, as he called me names when he ran past me.

mkenny59 said...

btw, I'm glad at least you and I are enjoying ourselves here.

troy said...

Cat, the li'l widget down the bottom-right says you've got people from LOMBARDIA coming to the site. LOMBARDIA. I had to look it up, and even then I wasn't sure it was real. We're just the only ones putting ourselves out there. You know. For the lulz.

Although if more of them would comment, I could feel less like I'm highjacking your site, which is so desperately not in need of highjacking.