Subject: Congratulations beneficiary!
This is going to be a good day. Everyone is happy and proud of my ability to earn money just by sitting around.
I know, right?
This is to inform you that the WESTERN UNION management is no longer happy
with your inability to contact us since the last time we sent you an email in
regards to the below information.
Welp, now I am sad. At first, WESTERN UNION management was happy with my inability to contact them, our clever game of me not responding to emails they never sent producing a kind of joy similar to when a father tries to call his estranged son from jail before remembering he doesn't have a son. But that persisted, and they changed emotional course, and they are no longer happy with this. As someone who has made a lifelong, conscious effort to never disappoint WESTERN UNION management (WWWUMD?), this has obviously rocked my world.
This is the 4th time we are reaching you and
would probably be the last if you fail to comply.
The "probably" makes me wonder if it's worth risking just one more unreturned email. You know, for leverage.
Perhaps we should donate your money to the Orphanage
since you are obviously indisposed to claim it.
I'm not sure what's better - the attempt to shame me in to collecting money that doesn't exist, or the threat to donate said money to charity. HOW DARE YOU THREATEN TO DONATE MY UNEARNED, DISPOSABLE CASH TO PARENT-LESS CHILDREN! I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO STOP THIS.
Contact WESTERN UNION office now for your reference
number to pick up your first payment of $15,000.
Me: Hello, WESTERN UNION office? This is beneficiary. I am calling to get my reference number so I can pick up my first of many $15,000 payments that would otherwise be wasted on needy children.
WESTERN UNION office: OK. Your reference number is uh, 5.
Me: Thanks. Can I have $15,000?
WESTERN UNION office: OK. What is your reference number?
WESTERN UNION office: Here is $15,000.
Me: Thank you.
I see that, at the behest of CEO Wesley Unimontra, who wore No. 1 when he played high school soccer, WESTERN UNION has collectively moved to foreign Yahoo email accounts. Seems legit.
Let me know as soon you pick
up your first payment of $15,000
Mr James Mark.
Not for nothing Mr James Mark period of THE United Nation, but when I get my 15 Gs you won't be able to find me for as long as it will theoretically take me to blow 15 Gs on strippers and Schlitz. I mean, OK, I will let you know.
Endeavor to email them the following information for immediate processing,
I thought this was finished? I hate endeavoring.
Your Receiver Name--------------
Uh, for fantasy? Demaryius Thomas? How is he invol-
I don't have one yet, but I plan on buying one when I get enough $15,000 payments. I will call it something cool like Coolberg. Or YOLOtown.
Before I throw a changeup, I always grab my crotch. Wait, why am I telling you this?
Your Test Question--------------
What did the cool guy say to the orphanage kids?
Freeload much? Get a job. It's like, really.
The Triassic, if we're talking about the last time I had sex. LOL. j/k #seriouslythough
I don't know what this mea-
No, thank YOU, Mr. John Solomon.. And say what's up to Mr James Mark. and my dog Wesley Unimontra and anyone else I may have missed who is involved in the process of me getting $15,000. Oh, and tell Wes I would rather donate to an orphanage than trade him Demaryius Thomas for Sammy Watkins straight up. He'll know what I mean.