Friday, October 03, 2014

Spam email of the week

This message was sent with high importance.

What can be so important at this ungodly hour (12:26 p.m.)?

Subject: Nice guy/Kashmire White can be offered again

It's arguable that nothing in my life up to this point has been AS important as this. I am ready.

From: connie-wei [connie-wei@vip.163.com]

Please proceed, Connie hyphen Wei.

I'm willing for you!

Whoa, Connie hyphen Wei! Slow your roll there, sugarlips. First, I am married. Second, I only came here with the honest intention of acquiring some kashmire white. Remember - I am a nice guy.

Good day to you, o(≧v≦)o~~

Yes, if that bonkers emoticon is not a dead giveway, this is the same "company" that, a few weeks back, sold me some dope slabs. For all the slab work I do. Since the Wuhan Co. and I have a history of doing business together, I am going to hear them out, OK? OK.

How are you doing?

I am doing good, Connie hyphen Wei. Prettaay, prettaaaay, prettaaaaaaaaay good.

Here is a good news for you.

And here is a second grade-level worksheet on sentence structure for YOU. I am ready for the good news.

Since the  material original problem, Kashmire White can be not offered in previous months,

Hold up - Wuhan experienced problems with their kashmire white, too? Dang, who's running the ops o'er there - CONGRESS? Ha, ha, j/k Wuhan. #Congressburn #topicalreference

and from last month on this beautiful material can be continuously offered  again. For countertops, floorling or other indoor out door decoration, it is really a very nice choice. Then much willing to share our Kashmire White details with you.

Stop. You had me at "it is really a very nice choice." (Hyberbole much? LOL.) I am interested to know, however, how this deal influences my flooring and countertops. I feel like maybe I think kashmire white is a different thing than YOU think it is. I think it is a terribly misspelled reference to the fine, soft fiber obtained from goat hair that is used to make expensive cardigans. Your turn.



OK I think I was off. This kashmire white looks suspiciously like the slabs I just ordered from you guys.



This is a beautiful reenactment of the life cycle of kashmire white slabbery. First, kashmire white is just a cluster of cells living in its mom's belly. But before you know it, it's a full grown countertop on which a bowl of plastic fruit can rest comfortably. Then, it's shipped to the warehouse? Finally it dies a lonely death on a cold, hard industrial dolly.



wtf

I mean, YES, it is a good news for me, of course! My feedback on Kashmire White with Connie is that it would be the perfect name for a QVC show. Also, the highness of importance with which this message was sent has proven to be warranted, understated even. Thank you for everything, Connie hyphen Wei. You saved my life.

4 comments:

troy said...

Dude she totally wants you

mkenny59 said...

I know, right? I'm trying to not let it go to my head though because, honestly, she wants you, too. Because you have email.

troy said...

Not impossible it's really your sister she's after. Like she's all sidling up to you and everything and then, just when you are feeling more confident, more *yourself* than you ever have with any woman (or man) before, you lean over and look into her eyes (if at all ergonomically possible) and whisper "I think ... I think we should go away together." And she gazes deep into your eyes, a knowing gleam in hers, and says, "Help me like your sister."

mkenny59 said...

Niiiiiice. Very nice, my friend.