Thursday, October 02, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: HELP ME LIKE YOUR SISTER

This could mean a number of things:

1) Someone who does not like my sister is emailing me to assist them in liking her. If so, allow me to say that my sister is nice, and you should like her because she is nice. Both of them. I have two sisters. They are married though, so if you are trying to like her like her, please do not because she doesn't need that drama. Because she is a bitch. Both of them.

2) Someone is urging me to help them in that same way in which I once helped my sister, which a) how did you know I had to bail my sister out of jail for assaulting a Denny's waitress? and b) OK, I will. (c) I won't.)

3) Someone wants me to help them as if I would help, theoretically, a sister, and by this they could mean a biological sister; a nun; or a sister in Christ because they are about to go into detail about how Christian they are in this awful email that is trying to spam me and ruin my entire life.

Let's see ...

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am Mrs. Anna Guth from Australia.


G'day, mate! You call that a knife? Australian for beer. Kangaroos. Ha ha ... these are just jokes I thought of. Just joshin' ya', Mrs. Guth. Hope all is well with you.

I am 68 years old, I am suffering from a long time cancer of the breast.

This fake person got cancer in her breast
Don't ask me why I'm m**** f***** stressed
Things done changed


My Husband (Tom Guth) died in a motor accident before his death we were true Christians. 

Since his death, he has converted to Scientology, and I to Fake Christianity, for which I have a popular Twitter handle, @FakeChristian.

Was there a cycle involved in Tom Guth's motor accident? If not, sad to hear he became another statistic in the motor epidemic. Let us, once and for all, learn from Tom Guth to stop touching stray motors. #MotorSafety #RIPTomGuth

Since his death I decided not to re-marry, I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $5.6 million dollars wishes .

All Tom Guth left you was $5.6 million worth of wishes? You should have remarried.

And the best part of it is

This is not sarcasm, even though everything we've read thus far has been terrible.

the paying bank told me in the letter that they can have the funds released to my approved person that was authorized by me or transferred to his bank account and if outside their country then transferred to his or her bank account.

The point of all spam email is not that I am the approved person to withdraw millions of dollars from this foreign bank - of course I am - it's how it all came to be. The beauty is in the journey.

Presently, am using my laptop in the hospital at in London where I have been undergoing treatment for my sickness.

Thank you. "From what country is Anna Guth hospital-laptopping her way into my heart?" was the lone, nagging question I've had while reading this email. I am good now.

I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only more 2 months to live. It is my last wish to see at least 60% of this money is donated/ invested to any organization/business of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization.

Doctors: Mrs. Guth, I am sorry to inform you that you only have two months to live. Bad day, mate.

Mrs. Guth: (with sign language) I have one last dying wish.

Doctors: OK, but we're just doct-

Mrs. Guth: Remember the $5.6 million worth of wishes I deposited in the wish bank?

Doctors: Uh, no. Also, what? Again, we don-

Mrs. Guth: Please make sure Mike Kenny of Arizona gets 60 percent of that wish money so he can invest it in any organization of his choice.

Doctors: How about The Make A Wish Found-

Mrs. Guth: It's not your choice, a$$holes. It's his.

Doctors: You know what? Here's a laptop. Go nuts.

I seek for is a God fearing person like you ,who will carry out my last wishes and before I emailed you today I prayed and the holy spirit gave me the confidence to send you this email.

It would have helped if you had also asked for intercession from Our Lady of Confident Email Sending, which just happens to be the name of my old grammar school.

I took this decision, before I rest in peace because my time will soon be up. As soon as I receive your reply I will give you the contact of the paying bank.

I, too, will pray for confidence in sending my reply because writing emails gives me the runs. Once I receive the blessing, I will reply to the address from wence this email came, which is info@safakcatering.com. That is cool that, despite everything outlined above, you are also an admin for a Middle Eastern catering business. Do I inherit that, too? I like gyros.

You can contact me on my email: annaguth147@gmail.com

Oh OK. That makes more sense.

Waiting for your responds

That doesn't.

Yours faithfully
Mrs. Anna Guth


I just went back and sung to myself the entire content of this email to the tune of Journey's "Faithfully," and if you think I'm kidding, you don't know me. As always, I am at work.

2 comments:

troy said...

Mike Kenny, people: making the Crocodile Dundee jokes this country needs/has forgotten. Give him a hand.

mkenny59 said...

Thank you. I am good at timely pop culture references, plus I did it all for the nookie.