I wasn't expecting a payment, but the double exclamation points on this congratulatory email from the federal government speak to the legitimacy of my situation. I have butterflies of excitement in my tummy.
FOREIGN TRANSFER DEPARTMENT
UNITED STATES FEDERAL RESERVE
2012/2014 FRAUD VICTIMS REF/PAYMENTS CODE:FRB/00546
Totally real department of the government? Check
I'm a fraud victim? Check?
Payment code? Check.
Recent date written almost accurately? Check.
This all checks out.
Call me Mike.
It has come to our notice that you have been defrauded of your hard earned money by fraudsters from Africa and the rest of the world.
DANG AFRICAN FRAUDSTERS! (shakes fist to the sky) Welp, at least justice is being served, even if there is no detail regarding exactly how the fraudsters have been defrauding me of my hard-earned money so that maybe I can adjust my spending. Whatevs. Point is that: haters goin' hate; fraudsters goin' defraud.
(Shout out to "the rest of the world" for playing second fiddle to Africa. In the game of worldwide defrauding, it's Africa versus the field, and Africa is #winning.)
During the last Anti-Fraud meeting held in Washington DC USA,
it was alarmed so much by the rest of the world on the loss of fund by various foreigners to scam artists operating all over the world today.
Is there no such thing as a spam email editor? I mean really guys. Let me get this straight though:
During the last anti-fraud meeting (not a real thing), the rest of the world was alarmed by how many foreigners (how do we define "foreigners" in a worldwide context?) are being scammed by the rest of the world? Yes? OK, got it.
After the meeting, we have decided to redeem the good image of African Countries,Therefore,an immediate payment of $10,500,000.00USD (Ten Million,Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) has been ordered for each of the affected victims.
United Nations: Africa, what's the deal, yo? Your fraudsters keep stealing money from everyone.
Africa: What? Pffft. Naaaah.
United Nations: Africaaaa ... ?
United Nations: ...
Africa: OK fine we did it.
United Nations: We think you should give back the money.
Africa: OK. But only to redeem our good image, NOT because we don't like money.
United Nations: Wonderful. How much per person, so that we can alert the affected parties via email?
Africa: (punching numbers into calculator) Uhhh ... $10.5 million each.
United Nations: Seems fair.
Fill the required information below so that we can start processing the release of your funds.
1-A Copy Of Your Identity
Media pass to 2008 spring training games attached.
2-Current Home Address For Delivery
8675309 Boner Road
Rest of the World, Earth 12345
3-Date Of Birth
regards,You are to contact the Vice Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Mrs Janet Yellen on her private email so as to attend to your email response swiftly: (email@example.com).
OK, I will email all of my personal info to the vice chairman of the federal reserve at her AOL account. I normally wouldn't do this, but some causes - in this case, restoring Africa's image (and also me getting $10.5 million) - transcend "gut feelings." Besides, those are just butterflies.