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Jim Les, 1992-93 Fleer Asked to describe Jim Les in three letters or less, Jim Les replied, “’Good.’ No wait, that’s four. Ummm, give me a second here…” After approximately ten minutes, the light bulb went off for Jim Les. He leaned back slowly in his recliner, flashed his famously cocky smile and said, “Me.” Jim Les rocked #33 as an obvious homage to his idol and career rival Larry Bird. Also like Bird, Les rocked the lethal combination of curly bangs and a short mullet, to the delight of no one in particular. And also like Bird, Jim Les did his lovemaking behind the three-point line, so to speak. In fact, let’s find out what the back of the card has to say: Les is more if you are talking about three-point shooters. Hey, is that a mispri-…Wait, I get it! JIM Les is more, like the phrase “less is more!” Ha, ha! Back of the card, you’ve done it again! Wait…that makes no sense. Whatever! What else ya’ got? One of the NBA’s most feared long-range missile launchers, Les led the league in t...

Note: This column appears in the 11/29 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/30 issue of the Peoria Times I came home this past Sunday from a nice, long holiday weekend, ready to watch the Cardinals move closer to an NFC playoff spot. Here’s what happened… -After 10 weeks of suffering through the likes of Vince Young and Jason Campbell, Kurt Warner has somehow become my starting fantasy quarterback. And good thing, because he is dealing on this first drive. Warner to Fitzgerald, touchdown! Looks like both the Cardinals and myself are headed for the playoffs. -(That was foreshadowing...the bad kind.) -Trent Dilfer is starting for the 49ers today. My friend Rashad and I like to use the term “Dilfered” to describe a bad loss. For example, if Rashad were to lose a round of golf to an 84-year old woman, I would say he “got Dilfered.” -Frank Gore goes down awkwardly, and is now limping off the field, which leads the announcers to say that this game could turn into “the Maurice Hicks show.” ...

Sedale Threatt, 1992-93 Stadium Club I KNOW you ain’t lookin’ at Sedale Threatt. -- Sedale Threatt When not just chillin,’ Sedale Threatt could be found leading the Los Angeles Lakers in various statistical categories. Or, making babies. One of Threatt’s former lovers accused him of having “as many as 14” children. Said Threatt in response, “Accused ? What, is it a crime to reproduce?” Sedale Threatt would later find out that, yes, it is a crime to reproduce, as he was sentenced to six months in prison back in 2000 for failing to pay child support. Nevertheless, one of Threatt’s offspring, Sedale, Jr. , plays quarterback at Leigh University. As for the others…do they play sports? Then who cares? But such is not the legacy of Sedale Threatt. For he was much more than fertile. History will remember Sedale Threatt as the man who replaced Magic Johnson as point guard of the Lakers in 1991. So there’s th-…wait. Wait a second. I’m sorry...

Note: This column appears in the 11/21 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/23 issue of the Peoria Times On November 10th, in what would eventually become a 2-1 Sharks’ victory over Phoenix, former Coyote Jeremy Roenick became the third American-born player to reach 500 goals. On November 12, the Sharks’ Joe Thornton and Devin Setoguchi each scored twice as San Jose shutout the Coyotes 5-0. Excited at the prospect of watching the Coyotes potentially turn the tables on this one-sided “rivalry,” I went to this past Thursday’s game, which was Phoenix’s third straight against San Jose. And, at the risk of ruining a week-old surprise, the Sharks won 6-0. For those scoring at home, last week -- a week that started, mind you, with Phoenix on a very modest two-game winning streak -- resulted in a 13-1 loss, mixed in with some milestones for the opposition, a 2-7 home record, and a last place showing in the Western Conference. Yikes. Admittedly, I am no hockey connoisseur. But this was the th...

Elmore Spencer, 1992-93 Fleer Elmore Spencer is confused. What the hell play are you calling coach? Princeton? X? What is the ref doing? I can’t see! Did he just say I have eight fouls? WTF? Besides being perpetually confused by the intricacies of his role in the NBA -- rebound, outlet pass, stay out of the way, repeat – Elmore Spencer was also famous for being the first player in NBA history to wear eye black during a game, as a result of the glaring sun that often crept its way into various indoor arenas throughout the league. Spencer also chewed tobacco during games and once tried to break up a fastbreak by sliding into Sherman Douglas, tearing Douglas’ ACL in the process. When he wasn’t busy pretending to play a different sport, Elmore Spencer spent most of his time being fat. Says the back of the card: Spencer, the consummate widebody, led UNLV to a 26-2 mark last year as a senior while averaging 14.8 points, 7.9 rebounds, and 2.5 blocks per game. Consummate widebody? Really? In...

Note: This column appears in the 11/15 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/16 issue of the Peoria Times Before the start of the season, I wrote, regarding the Arizona Cardinals, that “not one player stands out on defense. Not one .” Now more than halfway through the NFL season, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I was correct. After all, there are at least five players that stand out on defense. Not one. See? I just italicized the wrong word! Of course, I’m lying, and once again, an idiot. Granted, at that point in time it seemed, to me at least, that maybe only Adrian Wilson had the potential to affect the outcome of a game on his own. So maybe it’s not that my idiocy has been exposed, but rather that several players on this defense have stepped up to, well, stand out. (In my dreams, I like to imagine that my critical statements provide bulletin board material for the Cards. One scenario has Ken Whisenhunt walking into the locker room, and slamming down a copy of The Glendale St...

Stephon Marbury, 1998-99 Upper Deck Let’s update the paragraph on the back of this card, shall we? Over the course of the two too (many) seasons which Stephon Marbury has spent with Minnesota New York, the club has taken on the look of one of the league’s premier young teams this . Building upon Regressing from a rookie season which saw him earn NBA All-Rookie First Team honors (Second Team honors that year? Kobe Bryant) and carry the Timberwolves Knicks(‘ interns) to their first-ever playoff back-seat-of-a-truck appearance, the second- year rate point shooting guard racked up the NBA’s fourth- best highest assists turnover total* in 1997-98 2006-07 and placed his (self-imposed nick)name (Starbury) alongside the game’s history’s premier playmakers franchise killers, such as Isiah Thomas. Marbury’s improved decision making (“ Are you getting in or not? ”, Dogfighting is a sport too! ) and blinding quickness forehead also combined to boost the former Georgia Tech star’s ...

Note: This column appears in the 11/8 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/9 issue of the Peoria Times On Sunday, the Arizona Cardinals take on the Detroit Lions. Many people may be confused as to the details surrounding this matchup, and by “many people” I mean “no one in particular.” Nevertheless, that is why I am here. Below are some fast facts about this Sunday’s matchup. Keep in mind however, that my “fast facts” are similar to “Snapple Facts,” in that no one is really certain whether or not they are actually true. -The Cardinals and Lions first faced each other in the year 1776, with the winner earning America her independence, and the loser forced to move to Detroit. Kurt Warner was but in Kindergarten. -Many in and around football are describing this matchup as “a poor man’s Colts versus Patriots.” However, they are stressing that the man in question is very, very poor. And also dead. -In Kurt Warner and Jon Kitna, Sunday’s quarterback matchup will feature two of the most out...

Gaston Green, 1992 Collector’s Edge “Oh, snap! Gaston Green ‘bout to poop in his knickers!” This is almost certainly what was going through Gaston Green’s mind at this particular moment, although there is no concrete evidence to back that up. What is for certain however, is that this card marked the first time in NFL history that an opposing player showed visible fear of the Chargers’ defense. (This is before, of course, Shawne Merriman began injecting himself with rhinoceros tranquilizer.) In 1987, an up-and-coming hip-hop artist named Rakim grew a thicker mustache and decided to secretly join the NFL, under the simple alias of Gaston Alfred Green III. Makes sense. Anyhoo, after toiling in Los Angeles with the Rams for three years, Rakim was informed by his hip-hop partner Eric B, that, “Yo! I heard even hip-hop pioneers can thrive within that Denver running system, kid!” Word. And with that, Rakim Gaston hauled ass for Denver, where he immediately rushed for over 1,000 yards in 19...

Note: This column appears in the 11/1 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 11/2 issue of the Peoria Times This Sunday marks the beginning of the second half of the season for the Arizona Cardinals. If I were asked to sum up the first half of the season, I would probably say, “Ehhh,” and then shrug my shoulders. The first seven games have provided a constant mix of good news and bad news for this team. Everything seems to be evening out -- the Cardinals are suddenly Jerry Seinfeld. In fact, let’s recap, shall we? Bad news : Matt Leinart is playing like crap. Good news : Here comes Kurt Warner! - - - - - - - - - - - Bad news : Here comes a quarterback controversy. Good news : Leinart got hurt! Controversy over. - - - - - - - - - - - Bad news : Warner is hurt. Good news : Wait, no he’s not! - - - - - - - - - - - Bad news : We are 3-4, under .500. Good news : Three of those four losses are by a combined eight points, and the 15-point loss to Carolina came with Tim Rattay at quarterback. Thi...

Dennis Awtrey, 1973-74 something With the start of the NBA season just around the corner, I figured now would be as good a time as any to take a look back, and acknowledge how the NBA has changed. Not much, I say! In fact, on almost any day of the week, you can spot current Chicago Bull Ben Gordon , happily dribbling a basketball in the carpeted hallway of United Airlines Arena, or, at his old high school, on career day. Why? Because what the hell else are you going to do when you’re dressed in full uniform, standing in a carpeted hallway, and someone hands you a basketball? Frown at it? Not likely. Sure, maybe Ben Gordon doesn’t wear his underwear as an actual uniform, and maybe he doesn’t rock the curly white-afro mullet combination. And yeah, he probably wouldn’t be caught dead looking like this under any possible circumstances. In fact, maybe Ben Gordon is bad example. But still, not much has changed! Seriously! As for Dennis Awtrey, if that name rings a bell, then you must be Denn...

Note: This column appears in the 10/25 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 10/26 issue of the Peoria Times I’m not going to lie -- I am not a big hockey fan. In fact, at the Coyotes game this past Saturday night, I went to get a beer with my friend Rashad at one point during the first period. When we tried to go back to our seats, there was a cluster of people waiting to do the same. Of course, I tried to push my way through the crowd with a bunch of “excuse mes” while Rashad waited behind me, pretending like he didn’t know me. Yep, I didn’t realize you had to wait for the whistle to go back to your seat. You know you’re not a hockey fan when one of the three black guys in the arena is telling you how to act. So yeah, I don’t know much about hockey. But ya’ know what? If I’m going to have the type of time I had this past Saturday night, then there may be hope for me yet. At the risk of having this come across as some type of corny, “Hey Glendale -- if you haven’t been to Jobing.com Are...

Mike Lynn, 1991 Pro Set This is probably my best card featuring the President and CEO of a defunct league. It is also, amazingly, the worst. Nevertheless, Mike Lynn was, as you can see, the President and CEO of the World League. “What the hell is the World League?” you may be asking yourself. Excellent question! The World League provided an alternative for the millions and trillions of people throughout the world who were sick and tired of the NFL. Around 1991, the general consensus was, “Yeah, the NFL is okaaaay, I guess. But what about some freakin’ helmet cams! And I don’t know about you, but I’d like to see some shorter kick-off tees! And let’s get some Asians involved in all of this, ya’ know?” This is where the World League stepped in, headed by Mike Lynn, who left his post as director of cruise ship operations for the Minnesota Vikings in order to do so. The World League consisted of 10 teams, including the New York / New Jersey Knights (rolls right off the tongue!), the Tallaha...

Note: This column appears in the 10/18 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 10/19 issue of the Peoria Times The Arizona Cardinals travel to Washington this week to face a surprising Washington Redskins team. The surprise is that they’re decent, though the same could be said of the Cards. Anyhoo, in leu of stringing together moderately coherent sentences, I’ve instead decided to do a “Tale of the Tape” featuring random words and choppy phrases that make no sense to anyone who is unfamiliar with either team. This is where my lack of a journalism degree really comes in handy! Hi mom! Arizona Cardinals (3-3) versus Washington Redskins (3-2) Nickname : (Cardinals) Inappropriate, needs to be changed Protector of the desert Nickname : (Redskins) Offensive, needs to be changed Redskins: Taught the Pilgrims how to play trombone Advantage : Arizona Cardinals Scorpions Head Coach : (Cardinals) ...

Steve Balboni, 1990 Bowman For the seventh consecutive season, the New York Yankees are not going to win the World Series. Joe Torre’s reign as manager may be over, most of the fan favorites of the late 90’s teams have since retired, and many of the remaining veterans are at a crossroads. Also, A-Rod and blah, blah, blah. I spent most of the past week or so feeling down and out about the Yanks, and wondering what the future holds. Then, while flipping through some old cards and trying to come up with a winner for “Classic Card,” I stumbled upon this. Sometimes in life, a little perspective is all you really need. Here I am feeling sorry for myself about the current state of affairs for the Yankees, and it occurred to me that I had forgotten where I came from (New Jersey). For in the vast realm of history, it wasn’t too long ago that this guy was providing the bomb for the Bronx Bombers. Yikes. I, along with many other like-minded kids of my age, I think, used to call Balboni “Steve Bal...

Bryan Clutterbuck, 1989 Topps When Bryan Clutterbuck first met his Brewers’ teammate Robin Yount, he introduced himself by saying, “Hi! I’m Bryan Clutterbuck. That’s Bryan with a ‘y,’ and Clutterbuck with a ‘Clutterbuck.’” That happened in 1986, during Clutterbuck’s first stint with Milwaukee, where he immediately became a household name, except not really. He would rejoin the club in 1989, which is when his career really took off, and by “took off,” I mean came to a halt. States the back of the card: He earned his 1st major league Win: 4-25-89. He earned his 2nd major league Win: 5-25-89. One could easily assume – because this is Bryan Clutterbuck we’re talking about here – that he simply chose to space out his victories in perfect month-long intervals, giving him six wins every season (which is, amazingly, exactly what a 44-year old Roger Clemens is worth!). But alas, Bryan Clutterbuck would never see the big leagues again after that elusive second win, a result of him tearing his gr...

Note: This column appears in the 10/11 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 10/12 issue of the Peoria Times This past Sunday the Cardinals were the early game against the St. Louis Rams, and I decided to take notes on everything that occurred. Here’s what transpired… 9:52 AM : Okay, I’m at my friend Rashad’s house, who has Direct TV’s Sunday NFL Ticket. Of course, he set up a second TV so I could watch the Cardinals, because he didn’t want to waste his HD on a game featuring Gus Frerotte and Kurt Warner. Can’t really blame him. 10:01 : The game hasn’t started yet, and Rams’ coach Scott Linehan is cursing on the sidelines. Good sign for the Cardinals. 10:02 : Matt Leinart calls a play, throws an interception, claims he was misquoted. 10:08 : Rams’ go up 3-0. Frerotte gets so pumped he bangs his head into the wall . 10:19 : The camera pans to a shot of Matt Leinart’s hip, which looks like a plate of eggplant parm. I didn’t know you could get an STD on your hip! 10:24 : My fantasy kicker,...

To Chien Ming Wang : Maybe you need a new pitch. Dick. To Derek Jeter : You’re officially on notice. To Roger Clemens : Go away. To Andy Pettitte : Whatever. To Jorge Posada : A hit would have been nice. But hey, you call a great game. To Joe Torre : Thanks for staying awake. To Johnny Damon : That thing down the first base line is called “first base.” You should go there sometime. To Mike Mussina : Thanks for sucking so bad this season that the team had to ask a cigarette-smoking sinker-baller to pitch on three days rest. To Alex Rodriguez : I don’t care what you do. To Jason Giambi : You still here? To John Sterling : Don’t worry, it was the bugs’ fault. Joe, wake up! You're fired.

Greg Screpenak, 1992 Collector’s Edge Greg Screpenak played rookie guard for the Los Angeles Raiders in 1992. Because the Raiders were the only team in the NFL to define their offensive line by seniority and not positional placement, Screpenak was ineligible to play the position the following year, or for the rest of his life. Nevertheless, Screpenak was also the first player in modern football history to have the left arm of an African American man, the face of a young Tony Siragusa, and the IQ of an oriental rug, paving the way for others of his ilk. According to the back of the card, “ the L.A. coaching staff is impressed with his use of his size and long arms to overwhelm defenders .” So there was that, also. Oh, and Greg Screpenak’s name was not Greg Screpenak, a little-known fact I discovered while Googling Greg Screpenak. To this, Google replied, “Do you mean ‘Greg Skrepenak?’” And I was all like, “Shit, I don’t know what I mean anymore when it comes to Greg Screpenak!” Frustrat...

Note: This column appears in the 10/4 issue of the Glendale Star, and 10/5 issue of the Peoria Times If someone were to say to me, “Hey Mike, what have you learned since you moved to Arizona?” I would first tell them that I didn’t come here to learn -- I came here to get a better tan. Then I would explain that I’ve learned two main things since arriving in Arizona. First and foremost I’ve learned that -- and I hope this doesn’t come across as a vast generalization -- everyone in this state drives like an absolute maniac. I’ve honestly never experienced anything like this in my life. It’s comical to me that the NY/NJ area gets a bad rep for their drivers, when the locals here would make a New York City cab driver fear for his life. Everybody here drives 50 miles over the speed limit and tailgates like a mo' fo', which is made even more intimidating when you consider that 99% of the vehicles on the road here are pick-up trucks with tires the size of Ferris wheels. I’m not even en...